Sex is making our lives miserable - does this happen to anyone else!

[alltalkedout]

Hello. My husband and are in a bad place. Sex has always been an issue for us - according to him we don't do it enough and sometimes when we do have sex he doesn't feel that I am attentive enough to him in bed.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child. Silent treatment, moody and miserable awful to be around and sleeping on the sofa. Then we don't have sex because I don't like him when he is like that. Usually it works out and we make up and things are fine but not this time.

It's happened again and he's left the house for the afternoon to get away (not left for good). He said he's not sure that he can live like this for the rest of his life and that we are incompatible sexually.

I tried to explain that it's normal for couples to go through dry periods but he says that if he doesn't have sex then the chemicals/ hormones make him crazy. This changes who he is and I don't like who he becomes when he hasn't had sex for a while which makes it harder for us to reconcile. He is also convinced that I don't fancy him - I do I just feel knackered as my daughter wakes up every night.

I just wondered if this happens to anyone else. It make me feel like a frigid freak and he tells me that other women actually like sex and I don't. Am I being unreasonable or do others experience this - especially the hormones making him behave badly/have no control over his moods and behaviour.

Thank you.

pinkfrocks

I don't think you should feel like have to explain your post to Apple. What you said was perfectly clear. She came up with a bizarre interpretation and went off on her own tangent.

The OP doesn't have to meet her husbands needs - what a very old fashioned attitude.

Yes, they could have a bit more/bit less sex. That will depend on him growing up, stopping sulking, helping out a bit more with the house and children, and generally becoming a more attractive human being - which in turn will make the prospect of sex with him slightly more attractive.

Look, we have a culture built on men's belief that women are there for them to stick their dicks in, and there to meet their needs in every respect. For centuries, women were handed over to men as prizes and deal-sweeteners, with no say in the matter at all, to be raped and/or impregnated as often as the man felt like doing so. Yes, there were marriages where the participants liked each other and treated each other well and in all probability enjoyed sex with each other, but the woman was still the property of the man, with little or no redress if he mistreated her.

All along, there has been an insistence from men that women don't like sex very much, or if they do they are disgusting and untrustworthy, that women are the gatekeepers of sex, etc etc, which all boils down to the fact that men obsessively yearn to own women's sexuality and own women as a breeding resource, so women have to be conditioned to mistrust their own sexual feelings.

These days, in most societies, it's at least superficially accepted that women are human beings with the right to make choices about their lives, including who they would like to have sex with, but there are still plenty of men, like the OP's partner and a couple of the desperate my-willy-needs-attention posters on this thread, who still see women as sexual vending machines - push the right button and get a treat, and if it doesn't happen, kick and punch the machine and insist it gets repaired or replaced, because dispensing what the man wants, whenever he wants it, is what the woman-machine is for.

To cue, arsenaltilidie provides a good example of the phenomenon pinkfrocks described.

No thought that the DH is not meeting the OP's needs: which is basically to not be a tit.

It's not old-fashioned so much as thick.

Quotes from a thread where DH doesn't want to have sex with her DW.

He doesn't want sex with me and never really has been that in to it.
I really miss sex and find myself looking at other men a lot as I don't feel husband fancies me.

Response

*Could you ask for an open relationship?

So he gets to not meet your needs, not discuss his lack of meeting your needs, and refuse to do anything to remedy it. Charming.

Has your husband said why he doesn't want sex with you? Does he make an effort in other ways?

I think he's intentionally choosing not to see what's happening. His behaviour doesn't sound very nice.

Masturbating is fine. Not being present in your relationship, refusing to listen to your needs? Not fine*

Hypocrites!!

i'm not responsible for how other MNers respond to OPs, and i haven't ever made those responses

Arsenal the semi-literate nature of your post makes it almost impossible to comprehend.

Could you try again, please?

This time with some punctuation so we know who is saying what, whether you are quoting someone else, et.

How many people are you quoting there arsenal? It looks like one, but I must be wrong - because it wouldn't stack up as a coherent or reasoned argument if it was.

the OP is pretty clear that she is willing to talk to her H about the situation (and has done so), but he is the one refusing to behave like an adult and do anything other than the equivalent of "if you won't have sex with me i'll scream and scream until i'm sick"

On 2nd thoughts, Arse if you have problems writing intelligible posts, maybe you are better at reading.

This is what the OP said.

We get stuck in these cycles of it all being great for a while but then something will happen (illness, exhaustion etc we have two you children under 8 and I work full time) and a week or two will go by where we don't have sex and then he starts to behave like a spoilt child.

I can't actually see where she says she never wants sex with him.
Can you?

Quotes from a thread where DH doesn't want to have sex with her DW.

So... a completely different thread about an entirely different thing, then.

(And presumably responded to by different people.)

I think you might need to work on your understanding of the word "hypocrite".

Come on Funkster - arsenal can't be expected to master their understanding and the spelling of hypocrite on the same day

Pinky OP said it's been going on for years.
And the DH doesn't want 'scheduled' sex because he feels it's just to shut him up.

My point is they BOTH need to make an effort.
Maybe OP needs to initiate more, to show she finds him attractive and DH needs to stop sulking so he doesn't put pressure on her.

The OP has understandably abandoned the thread, which means one of the key questions (in her case) goes unanswered. However, I would like to put the same question to all those saying she should stop whining and open her legs:

When there is a libido mismatch and the man is the one who feels sex is not happening often enough, How many of the woman's needs is the man putting himself out to meet? It's not just about how much housework he does - though doing his fair share is a good start (his fair share is: enough to make sure that both he and his partner have roughly equal amounts of leisure time). It's not enough for him to do the dishes once a month and immediately get his cock out. Is he listening to his partner, asking her about what she specifically wants and needs that she is not currently getting? Does he listen to her when they're talking about sex? Sometimes a woman goes off sex because the man keeps on doing, or demanding, something she doesn't much like, even after she has asked him to stop doing it - whether that's constant attempts to stick his cock up her arse without asking or doing lots of gentle stroking of her shoulders 'because that's what women want' without checking whether the actual woman he's having sex with likes it.

arsenal - it's like this. When men stop acting like whiny teenage boys when they don't 'get' sex and when they start behaving like adults in an equal relationship then the need to compromise becomes diminished, because the idea of having sex with them suddenly becomes far more appealing.

No Arsenal, it hasn't been 'going on for years' in the way you mean.

She said sex has been 'an issue' because
a) he criticises her performance in bed
b) he doesn't have sex as often as he wants

SHE doesn't have to make any effort with a man who behaves like a spoilt toddler, who walks out and threatens to leave her if she doesn't comply with HIS needs.

I can't believe that you don't 'get' this- are you male or female because your posts come over as a man's.

Yes, they could have a bit more/bit less sex. That will depend on him growing up, stopping sulking, helping out a bit more with the house and children, and generally becoming a more attractive human being - which in turn will make the prospect of sex with him slightly more attractive

Come off it, she'll be saying she'd like a cuddle and a footrub but doesn't want sex.

OP and her H - problem is caused 50 50 and the solution will take 50 50 effort.

The thing is, from a purely pragmatic perspective, nagging and sulking is not the best way to turn a woman on.
I had a partner who used to do this. It created a far bigger problem than it ever needed to be, and ironically I do have a high sex drive. Frankly, the best way to get into a woman's drawers is to do something like cook a meal and wash up, or clean the toilet unprompted. That's hot. No I am not kidding.
Too many people seem to be going about sex wrong as far as I can see. It's not a fancy wank. Sex with another human is not there to scratch an itch. It's a conversation, had physically . It can be an ongoing one. Every shag doesn't have to be about orgasm, and every orgasm doesn't have to come from a shag .
I agree with SGB in that women have for too long had to shoehorn the way they go about sex to fit mens patterns.
I want sex cyclically. Maybe none for 10 days a month, twice a day for 10 days a month but if that didn't fit with what my partner wanted, if he wanted less when I want more, well hey, I know what my rabbit is for!
It's actually quite easy to get a woman going, if you bother to find out how and it has to be a mutual experience, otherwise why bother?
I stayed in a relationship with a sex pest far too long, and it just ground me down. I feel for you OP.

Do you think it's normal for women not to really want sex wildbill?

You're so wrong Bill

That's the only explanation I can find for your responses. If you consider it normal for women to have sex with their husbands out of duty rather than pleasure, and to avoid him being childishly moody, I can see why you might think that she would need to make more of an effort

I just don't understand how anyone can defend him. If you are sexually frustrated and your partner is not currently up for it, masturbate, problem solved. It's really that simple. The OP made it clear the dry spells are due to specific circumstances and if her husband stopped stropping, things would naturally pick up again. He is being unreasonable.

I think that if you're of the same whiny teenage boy mindset of the OPs 'D'H then it's probably quite easy to defend him - because your levels of comprehension of what makes for a healthy relationship (and as a result, healthy sex life) are very limited.

"Hypocrites"

of dogs and lizards: parable of privileges

sindeloke.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/37/

It's not unreasonable to feel that masturbation is not a good permanent answer if your partner doesn't want sex with you. It's not wrong to feel that nothing but masturbation, when you are in a supposedly monogamous, longterm, committed partner relationship with someone, is a bit lonely and unsatisfactory.
However, if all you are prepared to do to resolve the issue of your mismatched libidos is whine, sulk, threaten and maul your partner, then the problem is unfixable.