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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When a partnership isn't a partnership...

142 replies

notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 17:59

My OH an I have been together a little over 3 years. I have an autistic child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I stay at home to look after child 2 and we home educate child 1 which we both feel is in child 1's best interests.

We have been looking at buying a bigger house. The one we are currently in was bought over 10 years ago by OH. I want to go on the deeds for the new house. OH did not react well to this. I pointed out that we are in a partnership, have a child together and I work just as hard as he does - he sees this as unfair because I've only been with him 3 years. I see it as I have a right to security just as much as he does.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 19/04/2016 22:22

The first post wasn't two weeks ago, it was a YEAR and two weeks ago.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/04/2016 22:33

Thanks for the heads-up, Cabrinha.

The OP reactivated another one of her old threads earlier www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1640760-He-wants-an-abortion-I-dont-bit-of-a-mess and from her last update on that thread I erroneously assumed that this one had been created recently,.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 19/04/2016 22:39

Sorry for the confusion

OP posts:
Uncoping · 19/04/2016 22:48

Don't have much solid advice

Uncoping · 19/04/2016 22:48

Argh! Posted way too soon.

Meant to say, I don't have any solid advice but I'd like to give you these! Thanks

goddessofsmallthings · 19/04/2016 23:35

Did he buy a bigger house and, if so, are you named on the deeds, OP?

Have you moved out of the home you shared with him, or is he living elsewhere?

You say that you are now 'faced with CAFCASS'. Is this because he has, or you believe he will apply to the family courts in respect of dd? What contact, if any, does he have with her and where does it take place?

Did either of your dc witness him assaulting you and have they adjusted to him not being around?

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 05:09

No, we didn't move - we planned to extend instead.

He was removed from the house, a non-molestation order was put in place which I stupidly later dropped thinking that we could work this out (when the police interviewed him the called me and told me how distressed he was and he just wanted to work things out but then the CPS decided to prosecute)

My solicitor made emergency CA application when she submitted the non-mol order.

CAFCASS have recommended a section 7 - the report contained almost nothing of what I had said and was full of what he had to say - which contains blatant lies.

He sees our daughter every weekend - he's living at his parent's house.

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 09:08

Oh, I didn't finish answering your questions:

They didn't witness the assault, but both have witnessed other fights.

DD is fine and happy, DS says the house is a much nicer place without him here

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 13:36

I am completely devastated and frightened. Someone come talk to me

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/04/2016 13:48

Hi notonthebandwagon,
((hugs)) I am sad for you and your situation. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2016 13:55

Good grief you have a lot to deal with at the moment.
But you sound like you are doing coping and getting through it all.
What are your next steps?
Have to spoken to CAB?
Do you have family and friends who can help you with things?

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 14:14

I have no family - friends are doing what they can

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/04/2016 14:16

I don't have any advice to practicalities as I'm in the US.

I am glad that your dc are ok and comfortable with his absence.

Imho, you have perhaps come to the point of not believing his spoken word to you-even through the proxy of the police calling you with his emotional state? Especially in light of the written lies to the authorities-again demonstrating his global self-interest.

His "heartfelt" gushing speeches full of emotion and earnestness just can not be believed anymore. This wouldn't be cynicism on your part (not that there is anything wrong with cynicism) as you have trusted his pleadings time and time again only to get deeper and deeper burned by him. He had you as an unpaid slave on the back of cheap lip service to love and a few manufactured tears. (I bet they were sincere tears at the possibility of loosing free service.) I am sorry to say that, imho, his love for you wasn't about you, but rather about your service to him. I know that hurts, sorry. But understanding that as a truth will help your resolve moving forward.

Can you reinstate the non-molestation order? Please try on the basis of becoming aware of his lies.

misszp · 20/04/2016 15:20

No idea if this has been suggested, but my ex and I wrote up a title of deeds that stated if we split my ex would get the deposit money back out of the property that he put in, and then any remaining equity would be split. It protected his contribution, but also gave me some financial security in the way of equity. We did split and he kept the house anyway, so his money was still in the property, but we had it valued and he then remortgaged so that my portion of the equity could be released. Just a thought, worked for us.

misszp · 20/04/2016 15:22

So sorry - just read your update - I hope you and dc are ok.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 17:23

Band - he's been saying similar things and acting in a similar way for the past year.whenever I tried to tell him this he'd shout me down telling me how dare I compare him to the man he hates so much.

So much has gone on this past year so many awful ea tirades of nasty abusive comments, goading me into trying to hit him, begging with him to please stop - floods of tears made him worse. So many accusations of me deliberately trying to wind him up.

I tried to leave several times which has been held against me as being controlling and using the children as a weapon.

I'm ground down to nothing.

I have no self esteem left.

I really loved him but spent so much of this last year stressed and afraid.

I do not believe a single word of what he says now - nor believe a single tear was genuine. It's always been about him and snapping himself in half for me. No matter how I've approached him over a subject bothering me it's always been met with my words and intentions being twisted and a pile of other stuff thrown in to try to divert the attention back onto my issues and my inability to be a good partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 17:32

This is the result of our final row -

OP posts:
redexpat · 20/04/2016 20:54
Flowers

We're here for you.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 20/04/2016 20:55

My anxiety is through the roof!

OP posts:
redexpat · 21/04/2016 04:58

I'm not bloody surprised!

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2016 08:36

Please ensure he stays away from.
Make sure you call Womens Aid today. Make that a priority.
0808 2000 247
They can help you with next steps. You need a restraining order to keep him away from you.
When you talk to Womens Aid, at some point mention you would like to do the Freedom Programme.
This will really help you see things more clearly and will give your self esteem a big boost.
Keep your sugar levels up and be kind to yourself.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!
Please always remember that. He is an inadequate abusive nasty piece of work.
It's not you, IT'S HIM!

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2016 08:37

You can always report the attack to the police.
In fact I urge you to really consider this.
You have injuries and they can help with an injunction.
Even you just call 101 to discuss it with them.
See where that takes you.
I would report him. No doubt about it.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 21/04/2016 10:42

He was arrested on the night and charged.

It's all turned very nasty - one sided CAFCASS report with hardly anything of what I had to say in it and arecomnendation for a section 7 based on him claiming I'm an Alcoholic, cannot look after the children and I'm mentally unstable.

I should have left when you all warned me to

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 22/04/2016 11:05

More game playing from him: refusing to let me know who will be picking DD up tomorrow morning.

I've just read through my home birth thread from July 2013

How has it come to this?

Where is the man I loved?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2016 11:19

The man you loved was a facade - a fake.
It's that simple.
This is who he is. He's just showing who he really is now.
You were in love with something that didn't really exist.

If he can't tell you who is picking her up then no-one gets to pick her up.
It's him or she stays with you.

Don't let him dictate.
Take control.