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Original poster

When a partnership isn't a partnership...

142 replies

notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 17:59

My OH an I have been together a little over 3 years. I have an autistic child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I stay at home to look after child 2 and we home educate child 1 which we both feel is in child 1's best interests.

We have been looking at buying a bigger house. The one we are currently in was bought over 10 years ago by OH. I want to go on the deeds for the new house. OH did not react well to this. I pointed out that we are in a partnership, have a child together and I work just as hard as he does - he sees this as unfair because I've only been with him 3 years. I see it as I have a right to security just as much as he does.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Controlleroller · 03/04/2015 21:50

Then tell him specifically what you want - ie option 3 - frame it as a compromise that represents security for his child and is fair and square around your contribution -- but I am not sure where that leaves him though if you split? If you were married - the courts aim to create two households - option 3 doesnt provide a home for your OH to have house his child on visits - unless there are significant other assets which he could use to put a roof over his head.

Lucy61 · 03/04/2015 21:50

Sorry, thought you said child two wasn't planned.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 21:52

And now he's next door talking to his friend who is of the mind that I'm working OH into an early grave (yes, friend actually said that to me a few months ago when OH had a massive run of overtime just weeks after child 2 was born - of course it was all a complete barrel of laughs for me).

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 21:54

Child 2 wasn't planned, Lucy but it was his choice - that's all can say without risking RL people recognising me here.

OP posts:
cosmicglittergirl · 03/04/2015 21:55

Are you happy in this relationship? I only ask because you're not sounding like you are.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 21:58

I was...I'm not right now. Not at all. I thought he saw me differently. Stupid girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 21:59

That's me who's stupid, not you, cosmic.

OP posts:
Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 22:01

You're right, controller...then option number whichever it was that leaves us both with something to start again with.

OP posts:
cosmicglittergirl · 03/04/2015 22:04

I didn't think so. I would feel let down in this situation, it's not about how much money one person puts in or who owns what, it's about being a family unit that looks out for each other now and in the long term. All I can suggest is can you discuss this with him again or do you have your definitive answer? If you do then you need to consider if you're happy with that. You are not stupid, he is behaving selfishly and how could you have predicted this?

Lucy61 · 03/04/2015 22:04

Sounds a bit iffy, op. Does he love you?

RandomMess · 03/04/2015 22:05

It sounds hurtful that he won't put you on the deeds.

Have you had any discussions about ring fencing the equity he is paying in to a new property?

I suppose I would be tempted to say that you don't want to buy a bigger house tbh...

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 22:23

Appparenly I don't love him on account of me being so upset over this.

We didn't get that far, Random...it didn't get much further than me saying we're supposed to be a partnership and him saying he's worked hard for what he's got. I'm not very good at these things - I get very tongue tied and when stressed words quite literally drop out of my head and I struggle to say what I mean.

I've said that this is not the kind of relationship that I want and I don't feel this is ok and right now I can't see past this - to which he said he loves me and wants to work it out but of course he'll say that. I don't want him to feel manipulated - he's already shown me how things really are.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 03/04/2015 22:26

I'm on the fence with this one. All of the points you raise are very valid.

But. I've bought my own house and I've worked damn hard for it. It's in my mindset that I will never have anybody's names on the deed to this house, nor will I ever sell it in order to buy a shared house. I would buy a shared house in addition to this, but for me, this is my security blanket. And if somebody chooses to move in here, they do so knowing that this will always, financially and legally, belong to me. However, I would not expect financial contribution to the mortgage. The utility bills though, I would.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 22:39

Token - if I were to put our youngest into childcare it would cost around £250 a week....how is that not contributing? He won't give up his hard won job so we can split things 50/50 and what I brought into the house from working full time would be swallowed by that £250 childcare...

Why should I shoulder all of the financial risk of this relationship with a child?

OP posts:
Eggynuff · 03/04/2015 22:47

Aren't these the sorts of things people discuss before having children. You don't half make life complicated for yourself OP.

You need legal advice. We can't tell you the answers here because we are not talking in a professional capacity.

Seriously. You tried to talk to him, it didn't work so put it on hold til Tuesday and then book an appointment with a solicitor.

TokenGinger · 03/04/2015 22:50

notonthebandwagon, I think you have misconstrued what I said. I said that all of the points you raise are very valid. I totally get what you are saying.

My post was merely to explain my mindset on the situation which may be what your DP is thinking.

I totally understand that it makes sense for you to not work.

Would him keeping this property to rent and you two buying a joint property be an option?

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 22:56

Eggy- child 2 wasn't planned but was wanted by both of us once we got over the surprise - that is why this wasn't discussed.

Token - it would depend on the mortgage company, I don't know the answer to that one. It's moot anyway because he decided this afternoon he didn't want to move and wants to put the deposit into this house.

OP posts:
ladyrosy · 03/04/2015 23:05

My DP and I bought a house together a year ago. I brought enough equity with me to pay for half of the house outright, and he had none.

He is on the deeds.

What we did do is sign a deed of trust at the solicitors that states that if we sell the house, 50% of the value of the house is mine, and any further money on top of that is split between us.

It seemed the practical solution. I worked hard for that money and spent years compromising on the way I lived so I could pump money into the flat I owned before this house. DP didn't mind signing one bit - he knows that money is mine, and the deed of trust recognises both my past financial effort and our contributions to the house moving forward.

It really was practical rather than romantic, but it caused us no problems.

We were together 2.5 years at the time of buying.

Controlleroller · 03/04/2015 23:05

If you were married - only assets accrued after the date of marriage are split 50/50 on separation - could you work from this principle with your OH to work something out? What would that look like in your situation ? Or would you require more than that?

KikiShack · 03/04/2015 23:09

As a starting point surely any childcare costs for your youngest should be shared by you- why on earth would you foor the bill for this entirely on your own? And I'd push for a proportional split of the cost too as it's much fairer.

Original poster
notonthebandwagon · 03/04/2015 23:11

That would work fine for me.

OP posts:
Jackw · 03/04/2015 23:31

Yes, I think you are onto something there. The childcare costs should be paid by both of you in proportion to your incomes. Though to be honest, I don't think he sounds all that great, won't marry you, won't give you any financial stake in your joint home. It all feels a little uncaring and selfish to be honest. And that nonsense about you not loving him. You could turn that right round on him: if you loved me you would want to ensure that I and our child were safe and cared for.

bonniebear · 04/04/2015 07:03

Can't you work round each other? I do 9 -5 weekdays. Dh does 6 - 11 weekdays, then Sat/Sun 7 -2 and then 6 - midnight. Great way to avoid childcare costs

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2015 07:13

Your previous job may not have enabled you yo buy a house but live comfortably. Does your oh have a present job that enables him to be a full time carer for his dc?

Sadly I would give the advice to not have children with the men that refuse to marry, as its not just s piece of paper it is security for children.

Vivacia · 04/04/2015 07:45

Can't you work round each other? I do 9 -5 weekdays. Dh does 6 - 11 weekdays, then Sat/Sun 7 -2 and then 6 - midnight. Great way to avoid childcare costs

Well, many jobs don't have hours like this.

I'm not sure how shared childcare helps you OP when you have your first child to homeschool.

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