Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He wants an abortion, I don't...bit of a mess.

(82 Posts)
trustissues75 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:54:04

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, found out 4 weeks ago. OH and I have been together for just over a year. I'm in the middle of a very messy international divorce. I have a son who is 8. We moved in with oh in July this year, 150 mile away from my home and family.

From the start OH let me know he didn't want children, and I was fine with that. We had a discussion about him going for the snip especially since I have very strong opinions on abortion (I've had one before it still haunts me 27 years later, and I could never get one again)

Long story short I fucked up with my birth control, he knew...and hey presto...looks like at 37 I'm still super fertile. (I'm not looking for judgments on my lack of responsibility...bit late for that so lets just stick to the now please)

Now we're in a mess.

We're going to counselling this afternoon and all I can hope for it he'll change his mind. We have had a talk about why he doesn't want this child....the usual stuff, finances, no room in the house etc....but the one thing that I feel may be at the actual crux of all of this is a bad relationship he had over 10 years ago. He wanted kids, their relationship ended badly and as he put it (though I'm paraphrasing) his chance to have kids was taken away from him. When I asked him what he meant he said he could never trust anyone enough to have kids with them...he didn't want the possibility of forever having to be tied to someone who might let him down.

I'm still trying to get my head around this....suddenly our problems seem way bigger than me being pregnant....if he didn't want the possibility of having to be tied to someone forever then why was he perfectly okay getting involved with someone who had a child? I son adores him, we had the discussion of the fact that unless he was deadly serious about this being forever then we wouldn't be moving in because my son sees OH as his father (long story short NSDH abandoned us with just a suitcase of clothes and walked off to America with another woman and hasn't seen DS since...which has been almost 2 years now)

I'm almost sppechless to be honest.

On top of all of that he's worried about how he's going to stand with the CSA if I have the baby....I don't think I even need to tell you how that statement made me feel....

Please help me get some perspective on this...



dequoisagitil Thu 20-Dec-12 11:02:10

When it comes right down to it, this is your body and therefore your decision. If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, then you should.

Your relationship may not survive you going ahead, but equally it may not survive you aborting as you may very well resent him hugely afterwards.

Separate the two issues and concentrate on whether you want the pregnancy. If you do, then he will have to make his decision about whether to stay in the relationship (and equally so will you).

flurp Thu 20-Dec-12 11:08:29

HE got YOU pregnant! He mustn't forget this. If he was aware that your contraception wasn't failsafe and still had sex with you then he has to face the fact that there was a chance you would fall pregnant.
This isn't something you have done to him to upset him angry
Never mind him now - think about yourself. If you can't have an abortion then don't be forced into one - you will end up hating him for it.
If you want to have the baby then you might have to consider your options as a single Mum as he might not stick around.
Above all make the decision for yourself and if he comes round (and he should apologise for the things he has said) then all well and good.

trustissues75 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:08:52

Forgot to add that while I've already given this some thought as to being a single mother and we'd manage I'm very concerned about the ramifications with the NSDH still fighting for full custody and removing DS permenantly from the UK - a year since he filed in the USA and we're still not even through the issues of the USA not even having jurisdiction over child issues - and the NSDH using his spin to convince a judge I'm not a good mother (NSDH has mentioned he may be getting back on with the DoD and getting a job in the UK, bring his nice new, successful ready made perfect Barbie-doll and her two kids with him so they can play happy families and invoke the jurisdiction of the UK court instead)

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 20-Dec-12 11:19:05

If he's talking about CSA already then I'm assuming he's not planning on you being together once the little one is here?

trustissues75 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:20:58


He says he doesn't know.

peeriebear Thu 20-Dec-12 11:26:09

If you have the baby and he resents you, you may split but you will still have a beautiful much loved baby.
If you have the abortion you WILL resent him, you split but you get nothing but sadness.
Or alternatively he might realise he's being a massive twat and come to his senses.

susanann Thu 20-Dec-12 11:27:02

sounds like he needs counselling re the previous relationship. He sounds like he has commitment issues. I think if you want to keep the baby then you should. You need his support now, esp with the other issues with your ex. I think i would question whether you want to be with someone like that. Sounds like he will probably leave, but that may be better anyway.good luck

Dahlen Thu 20-Dec-12 11:31:47

If your NSDH comes back to the UK he is very unlikely to win full residency. Courts don't like upsetting the status quo because it's not in the best interests of the child, and if your H has had no contact in the two years since he left, he'll get laughed out of court. Incidentally, having a half sibling with one parent but not with the other can be taken into account as a good reason to maintain residency as it is. Not that I would advocate having a child for those reasons, but if you're adamant that you won't have an abortion, then it might help to see the unexpected positives.

I think you need to approach having this child as a single parent to take the pressure off yourself. If your OH comes round, great, but if not you're already prepared.

I sort of see where he's coming from, but that's his issue to deal with. If he felt that strongly, he should not have taken the risk when you told him about your contraception fuck up. He now has to face up to the consequences, whether he likes it or not. And while it can be difficult for men to have children with someone who "lets them down", it's usually far harder for the women who are left with the full emotional, practical and financial responsibility. He needs to get over himself, quite frankly. His apprehension is fine as an abstract concept. Now you are pregnant, it's self-indulgent and he needs to start dealing with practicalities.

Some counselling may actually help both of you. Good luck.

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 20-Dec-12 11:32:31

You've had full custody of your son for the past 2 years with no involvement from his father. A judge wouldn't take him away from you and award full custody to his father. Go to the legal section of mn and get some more advice on it though for your own peace of mind but I don't think he'll be able to just take your little boy away.

Wrt the pregnancy, don't keep or terminate for someone else, do what is right for you, your partner is talking about not even being in the relationship anymore. This is your decision.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:33:39

I think this an end of the road situation with your partner pretty much whatever happens next. If you have the baby and he comes round to the idea you'll always remember how crappy he's been when you need support most and that'll kill your relationship. If you have the baby and he rejects you both, he's gone. And if you don't have the baby you'll never forgive him so it's the end there as well.

I would therefore do exactly what you want to do because I think you'll be managing the outcome solo.

olgaga Thu 20-Dec-12 11:38:25

If he was so set against having children why didn't he get the snip years ago? This pregnancy is his responsibility too. And yes, he will be expected to pay child support whether he wants the child or not - just as you will have to support your child financially and emotionally too.

he didn't want the possibility of forever having to be tied to someone who might let him down

Good grief he sounds very selfish, and a proper drama queen. Ten years is long enough for someone of average emotional maturity to have moved on from a disappointing relationship break-up. Like you I'd be very disturbed that he thinks he can walk in and out of people's lives, particularly if children are involved, on a "no strings" basis.

If you are absolutely determined to have the baby, I'd start planning on moving back near your family where you will have some support.

Dahlen Thu 20-Dec-12 11:41:09

What has your relationship been like up to the point where you found out you were pregnant?

I'm assuming it was very good as from what you've said about your DS, I can't see you being willing to move in with OH unless you felt things were rock solid.

I think you might need to accept that some step parents without DC of their own (not all, by any means) just don't get the bond between parent and child. They can say they'll take on being a parental figure and commit to their step-child for life, and they'll actually mean it at the time they say it, it's not as though they're lying. But they've no real understanding of what they've committed themselves to and that only becomes apparent (to them as well as the biological parent) when the relationship looks as though it could flounder. It's no one's fault and doesn't make anyone callous, it's just one of the potential difficulties of second relationships when children are involved.

All you can do in this situation is give your OH some time to deal with this. But only give him as much time as you're comfortable with that allows you to start preparing yourself for life as a single mother if he doesn't step up. Right now, you, DS and unborn child need to come before the angst of a grown man who decided to have sex knowing contraception was a bit iffy.

olgaga Thu 20-Dec-12 12:20:12

Very well put Dahlen re the parent bond and people not really understanding the level of commitment they are entering into.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Thu 20-Dec-12 12:44:33

If your partner wants to parachute out of this relationship, he will. As everyone else has said, make your choice based on what you feel is right for you not him. You have to make a decision within a certain time frame.

People often ask, "When is it ever the perfect time to have a baby?" Evidently now you're actually pregnant he needs to wake up. Listen to what he says this afternoon. Let him voice what's on his mind. 37 is not too old to have a second child and if you have raised your DC1 you know it's not all baby cuddles and cooing infants. If your partner is using a 10 year old romantic disappointment to excuse supporting you and the pregnancy he has helped create, get him to shape up or ship out.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 12:48:52

He is probably in shock - if you had both agreed no DCs - I wouldn't abort a baby to keep someone else happy.

TheSecondComing Thu 20-Dec-12 12:51:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Thu 20-Dec-12 13:27:20

I agree with Cogito. If the relationship hasnt quite reached the end of the road, the tarmac will run out soon because, however you look at it, it's tainted.

You've said that you and your ds moved in with him. Do you have a home of your own that's being rented out or will you be homeless if he tells you to leave?

FTR this izzy is not expecting the arrival of a changeling and to avoid confusion she's not changed her name to celebrate the festive season athough she is doing so in spirit - hic

Amothersruin Thu 20-Dec-12 16:06:48

He has mentioned the csa already?-he is a huge twat who has no intention of stepping up to the plate and you would be better to get rid of him and then decide if you want to go it alone wth the baby...

AnitaManeater Thu 20-Dec-12 18:24:16

I do feel a bit sorry for men who find themselves in this situation (I've read it as neither knew they were having unprotected sex at the time) Women hold all the cards post conception.

I would just ask him bluntly whether he intends to be part of the childs life. He sounds quite melodramatic and you could probably do without the drama right now. The CSA will want 15% of his take home pay unless you can agree an amount between yourselves

JenaiMathis Thu 20-Dec-12 18:58:02

peeriebear is talking sense (and others too - it's just that her post is so concise). I would add htough that if you contimue with the pregnancy, don't mope about hoping he'll see the light.

My 'D'P tried to make me have an abortion. The pregnancy ended in miscarriage at almost 10 weeks, but I still haven't forgiven him. It might be irrational but it's visceral and a few years on it is often a fuck off great big elephant in the room.

If anything splits us up, it will be that. It still has that power.

fwiw I had an abortion previously which I have never regretted (other than rare "what if" moments). I am staunchly pro-choice.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown Thu 20-Dec-12 18:59:51

a few years on it is often a fuck off great big elephant in the room

Jenai that's sad.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 20-Dec-12 19:03:35

OP - did you both know that you were having unprotected sex?

JenaiMathis Thu 20-Dec-12 19:14:30

It is sad, theoxen.

Thing is I can understand his perspective, but I can't quite forgive and forget. We probably need some counselling tbh.

Sorry for the thread hijack OP, but I think my experience is relevant.

JenaiMathis Thu 20-Dec-12 19:16:42

Ali, the OP stated that she messed up the contraception but that he knew.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now