When a partnership isn't a partnership...

[notonthebandwagon]

My OH an I have been together a little over 3 years. I have an autistic child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I stay at home to look after child 2 and we home educate child 1 which we both feel is in child 1's best interests.

We have been looking at buying a bigger house. The one we are currently in was bought over 10 years ago by OH. I want to go on the deeds for the new house. OH did not react well to this. I pointed out that we are in a partnership, have a child together and I work just as hard as he does - he sees this as unfair because I've only been with him 3 years. I see it as I have a right to security just as much as he does.

Am I being unreasonable?

But I'll be breaking the contact order.

I'm already now facing a section 7 based on him saying I'm an alcoholic and cannot look after the children

What does the contact order say?
That any random person can come and collect your DD?
Or that your 'D'H should collect?

It's so hard to deal with abusive twats.

They don't have rational thoughts, they just want to keep the control and keep abusing.
I really feel for you.

Solicitor has sorted it.

This is just horrible.

God, I cannot stand the thought of another 10+ years of him treating me as if I'm nothing.

Why in the hell do I still love him so much?

I'm bloody pathetic

it may be that he is not ready to take the relationship to the next level. It doesn't matter if you have a child.....Unless he agreed to be committed to you and start a family together. Are you married to him? Sorry, I forgot what OH stands for.

Yes, he agreed to be committed to me and have a family together.

This past year has been horrendous: me severely depressed, needing a break and him blowing up at me every few weeks with the most vile, hateful vitriol.

I haven't even had an apology for what he did to me and he's seen the pictures.

No, we never got married but had lived together for 3.5 years.

The more thinking I do, and remembering things I'd forgotten the more I am coming to the conclusion that I've yet again wasted several years of my life loving a narc.

I thought I knew better this time around. But he has so many of the features and I've spent a lot of this past year depressed, anxious, stressed, blindsided red every time he has twisted things a few turned things on me. He's allowed to be angry with me but if I dare try to talk to him about how he's hurt me he somehow manages to turn it all around on me in a violent rage and it's all about how ungrateful I am and how difficult I am and that I'm hell to live with.

Once again, another narc.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Often recommended here.

Yes. It has been recommended. I have childcare problems though.

I have read Lundy Bancroft's book and a lot of it struck a chord with me.

After years of asking I've been finally referred to a therapist - my 1st appointment is on the 5th.

I'm just worried about the can of worms it may open.

Can of worms better than putting up with another arsehole though, yes?
As for childcare problems, two things to say to that and one is a bit blunt but it's meant with kindness

1. You can at least do the online version
2. Despite childcare problems (I'm dating a single parent, I hear you!) you found time to date this arsehole - so forget dating and find time for this programme? Surely it's better to use what child free time you can get on this, not on dating losers?

Well, we were living together and had some support from his family. When we were dating I lived near my family.

I have no family now and am having to rely on friends for hospital/court/medical appointments already - I'm already over stretching their generosity and his family won't help out.

I home educate, my eldest is autistic.

I could try the online programme but it would be much better to do it in person with other women going through similar things.

At the moment it's just not possible

Yes, but it's not like if you do the online programme you can't then do the course in person. In fact if you do, perhaps you'll get more out of the group course. Stop thinking I could do it, start think I will do it!

My point is not that you have time now - life sounds tough for you But you said you've dated arseholes before... so the family support you used to date this one back then, could have been used on doing the programme back then.

I honestly see this as just as important as medical appointments that you mention - this is a medical appointment but for you!

I see your point

Have you spoken to Womens Aid about your lack of childcare to attend the programme?
They may be able to help you with that?
Worth asking.

I have court tomorrow and I'm a bag of nerves. The things he's said about me in the CAFCASS report make me look like a crazed, alcoholic, incapable mother.

My FSW and solicitor are not one bit surprised after his conduct so far - why am I floored?

That's a good idea, melons. I have a DV support worker coming out next week - I'll talk to her about it