When a partnership isn't a partnership...

[notonthebandwagon]

My OH an I have been together a little over 3 years. I have an autistic child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I stay at home to look after child 2 and we home educate child 1 which we both feel is in child 1's best interests.

We have been looking at buying a bigger house. The one we are currently in was bought over 10 years ago by OH. I want to go on the deeds for the new house. OH did not react well to this. I pointed out that we are in a partnership, have a child together and I work just as hard as he does - he sees this as unfair because I've only been with him 3 years. I see it as I have a right to security just as much as he does.

Am I being unreasonable?

Yeah you have to seek th out. Dh has had to start 2 seperate jobs in 2 new areas to make sure the hours fit. There are definitely jobs available if you are willing to work different times. The 2 areas he works in take unskilled staff and are desperate for staff

One of ours is autistic to. It is difficult starting with the opposite shifts due to the whole routine change. Dd has adapted now though cause she knows when I get in then dad goes out etc. The first month was the hardest.

So, he won't change/rearrange his job to enable you to work, he won't pay for childcare, he won't put your name on the deeds, he won't marry you, he won't make a will to protect you and his child. That's what he wont' do. What will he do? He will protect his assets. He will keep his finances separate from yours. He will complain to the neighbour about you, he will continue to make his decisions based on what's best for him alone.

That doesn't sound like someone who is committed to a relationship. It sounds like someone who is happy to have his house cleaned, his meals cooked, his child looked after, and his physical 'needs' met, all for very little investment on his part.

OP, if that's all you want in life, that's fine. But if you want more then I'd suggest you start making alternate plans for yourself and your children.

Hi OP, childcare where I am is £39 a day (I think that is a pretty standard UK cost), which for a 5 day week is roughly £8000 a year, after taking off holidays, so by staying at home, you have saved your 'family' income that amount the numbers of years of age of you spend full-time at home looking after the children. Even if you manage to get your own child DS1 into a suitable school you are happy with, once DS2 goes to school, you still need either someone to work part-time or else again to pay for part-time childcare - £28 a day X days * 13 years.

And all these years that you are staying at home/working part-time, you are not generating any (or diminished amounts of) pension/accrued benefits for yourself, which means you will be doubly affected if this does not last and hence you cannot rely on whatever he deems fit to let you live on when you retire. Even if you stay together, you will be at his mercy and have no financial clout whatsoever.

He is ONLY able to work full-time (and save 100% on child-care) to build up a nice little nest egg for himself because you stay at home and enable him to, which is fair enough if you are happy with it and believe you will be protected and it will work out fairly. But this is clearly not the case. I would really try to get this sorted fairly both for you and your children. Ask him does your future or what happens to you not count? Only his future? Sorry but the phrase 'selfish pig' springs to mind. You are not asking for the moon, just a little bit of security. Good luck.

Yes, Vivacia, shared childcare doesn't particularly help with the HE situation - hopefully something will change there and I'll get him an ECHP (or whatever the new statement is called) but since everything is getting cut and getting any kind of services for SN seems to be getting harder I don't hold out much hope.

We argued more last night. Didn't really get anywhere except to clear up that he'd actually misunderstood what I'd meant and thought I'd want half of what he'd accrued for the past 10+ years too.

Today he admitted he was being unreasonable - I'm going to tell him I want to talk to a solicitor to draw things up formally. I also want a pension scheme setting up for me. His will can be changed while we're at the solicitors too.

Thank you for all the thoughts/suggestions/idea - it helped me to articulate with more clarity.

Well done OP it sounds as though you've handled this really well.

Echoing Vivacia. Very well done! Especially getting it in writing!!

OP here - those of you who were jumping up and down over his attitude were so very very right. The last year has been a horrific stream of abuse from him and me slipping further and further into depression. I had a break down at Christmas, and 10 weeks ago I had him arrested for ABH which he pleaded guilty to and was given a 1 year conditional discharge.

I am now faced with him claiming to CAFCASS that I'm a crazy alcoholic, he has dropped his stepson like a hot potato, I am facing a section 7 and he is hell bent on having our daughter removed from my care based on me not being a good enough mother - of course, if that happens goodness knows what will happen to DC1 - he hasn't seen his father in over 5 years.

I should have left long ago.

How have I managed to get into this situation? You would have thought I'd learned by now

Holy Fuck. What a Fucking Prince among men.

I'm terrified and in bits

Have you got any support for yourself ?

I have a family support worker, domestic violence worker, solicitor - no family. I have got therapy regarding my abusive childhood, and am under the local psychiatrists being assessed for Aspergers, ADHD and Attachment Disorder but that's it.

Our daughter has now also been referred to SALT on the suspicion that she is ASD too (my son was diagnosed finally last year at aged 10 - been home educating him for two years)

Have you a problem with alcohol ? (serious question, not an accusation)

No. Normal LFTs, normal scans, no withdrawal symptoms. I have had periods in the past of drinking more than I should but all bloods etc check out fine.

Please make sure it stays in the past. He doesn't need any more sticks to beat you with. Not fair, of course but that is how it is.

he is the violent abuser but you still have to be whiter than white < grrr >

10 weeks ago I had him arrested for ABH which he pleaded guilty to and was given a 1 year conditional discharge

Are you still living with this man and planning or hoping to buy 'a bigger house' with him?

No, goddess.

We all make mistakes.

I am no legal expert but I don't think someone with a conviction for ABH will be awarded custody.

Some of the claims he has made are mind-boggling. He's claimed he's never seen any money out of my personal bank account (bearing in mind that for the majority of the 3.5 years we were living together my account only had child benefit and periodical payments from DV 1's father and then in the past year DLA too). I sat down the other day and went through the amount of money that has gone out of my account since I moved in with him in July 2012 until the day Ai had him arrested: on 'family' expenses it comes to £10k give or take a £100 or so. In that time I have brought up his daughter, carried on home educating DC 1, trekked here there and everywhere giving the children opportunities to experience the world, battled horrific depression, insomnia, post-natal spine issues, stomach issues, a broken arm and my own sensory issues. I got myself help from the Dr, advocated for a referral to the local Aspergers unit ( which is apparently almost impossible to get)

I've battled him over his inability to accept DC 1's autism, his family's rigid ideas of child-rearing and gender-roles, his inability to see I desperately needed a break and this is what I'm left with.

A man who blames me for everything and accepts l/acknowledges none of his actions

Bloody he'll not. What does your solicitor advise?

• Hell not he'll

I'm even more confused now.

Is the man you've posted about 2 weeks ago to the effect that he won't name you on the deeds to a bigger house one and the same as the man who, 10 weeks ago, you had "arrested for ABH which he pleaded guilty to and was given a 1 year conditional discharge" and is this man the father of your dd?