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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong in thinking this is more a job for the man in the house??

129 replies

twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 02/04/2015 22:42

Happy to be told I am so in the dark ages...honestly I value all your opinions but just need to get some perspective on this. Tonight DD 18 (young niave thing...well i think..but thats not the issue) is going out tonight and needs to be taken to her friends house very last minute thing..she was meant to be getting picked up from here but last minute probs meant we had to take her there... its only 3 mins in the car but walking is through a dark alley....yikes.... scooby doo neck holding stuff... its just not a nice little cut to take but has to be done on foot to friends house...takes bout 15 mins there and the same ( necking holding alley on the way back) I hate it and would never ever ever allow her to walk the 50 yds or so of "terror". Anyway ...tonight...previous to this.... both hubby and I where out at clubs with our other kids at different venues, and he kicked off about having to go out with DD again ( he wanted a beer) I had been home half an hour before him had opened wine and had bout half a glass at this stage....obviously I cd not drive her...He wd "not" drive her so I had to do the walk of terror.... he thought this was ok. I had to be all brave with DD on the way there and was absolutely "cacking" myself on the journey back.. Im home now and in a state of shock of what I had to do.. do I need to just like wise up and grow a pair or is hubby not being very fair.. Sorry for rambling post but I'm just peeved at the minute.

Making tea and crackers now..ummmm xx

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/04/2015 18:09

I think it's a shame that you found my post patronising. If you want to dodge the reasoned argument and suddenly talk about the 10% of rapes that are "stranger rape" and suddenly change alley to "deserted areas" then fair enough but I think the rest of your post is skirting close to the myth that women can avoid rape by not being in public alone.

qumquat · 03/04/2015 18:11

I would have been incensed if my parents hadn't let me walk wherever the hell I liked when I was 18. It's not a question of father or mother's job, it's not the job of a mother or father of an 18 year old to drive then round the corner to avoid a 15 minute walk.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 23:13

Vivicia, you are jumping to wild conclusions, and ignorantly attributing to me views I do not hold. If you want to project Daily Mail opinions onto someone, find another poster. Particularly not someone who's actually worked with rape survivors.

The CSEW results indicate around 10% of rape is stranger rape. But the Met's SOI (sexual offences index) the figure is around 17% of recorded cases. This is partly to do with differences in classification, but equally the CSEW does not include victims under 16, which account for around 20% of the total.

The majority of acquaintance rape occurs in public places, social events, the home of the victim, the assailant or a friend, for example.

But, for women who are raped or sexually assaulted by strangers it's more likely to be outdoors. In urban environments you do see a common pattern - alleys, paths - as I said - towpaths, paths across common land, recreation areas or parks, paths across housing or business estates, anywhere were there are blind spots and fewer witnesses. I didn't 'suddenly change' anything with regard to this issue, I simply gave the context of my comments.

As you seem to need it spelling out, I am not claiming stranger rape is more common than it is. Nor that the incidence of acquaintance rape is not far more common. Nor indeed that all stranger rapes either occur outdoors or in the places I mentioned.

In fact I take issue with the fact that all too often what are called 'rape precautions' focus on stranger danger which can give young women a completely misrepresentative concept of the actual risks, and indeed what constitutes rape. Quite apart from the fact that this places the onus on women to 'avoid' rape as if that were even possible. If someone asks how to take precautions against rape, I say you can't really.

However, if I were going to be mindful of personal safety in an outdoor urban environment, I would bear in mind common places where women are victimised.

KatieKaye · 04/04/2015 04:17

Leaving aside all the debate on assault/rape, there was a reasonable alternative the 18 year old DD could have taken and that she should have taken. One that she could have taken alone and in safety.

I'd be worried about the fact she seems unable to plan effectively to ensure her safety and then get working on that. As a woman who presumably will be becoming more and more independent she needs to know how to ensure her own safety and even thinking about walking through this alley just to save a few minutes walking is incredibly stupid.

It is one thing to want to ensure your DC are safe but you have to equip them with the skills to become effective adults who take appropriate precautions to ensure their own well being. Avoiding this by walking with her to a party is quite neglectful of the real issues. What happens if she's had a couple of drinks, isn't thinking clearly and decides to toddle off home after a row with her mates? Will she go the long way round or just toddle down the alley? My bet is on the latter.

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