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Original poster

Am I wrong in thinking this is more a job for the man in the house??

129 replies

twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 02/04/2015 22:42

Happy to be told I am so in the dark ages...honestly I value all your opinions but just need to get some perspective on this. Tonight DD 18 (young niave thing...well i think..but thats not the issue) is going out tonight and needs to be taken to her friends house very last minute thing..she was meant to be getting picked up from here but last minute probs meant we had to take her there... its only 3 mins in the car but walking is through a dark alley....yikes.... scooby doo neck holding stuff... its just not a nice little cut to take but has to be done on foot to friends house...takes bout 15 mins there and the same ( necking holding alley on the way back) I hate it and would never ever ever allow her to walk the 50 yds or so of "terror". Anyway ...tonight...previous to this.... both hubby and I where out at clubs with our other kids at different venues, and he kicked off about having to go out with DD again ( he wanted a beer) I had been home half an hour before him had opened wine and had bout half a glass at this stage....obviously I cd not drive her...He wd "not" drive her so I had to do the walk of terror.... he thought this was ok. I had to be all brave with DD on the way there and was absolutely "cacking" myself on the journey back.. Im home now and in a state of shock of what I had to do.. do I need to just like wise up and grow a pair or is hubby not being very fair.. Sorry for rambling post but I'm just peeved at the minute.

Making tea and crackers now..ummmm xx

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 03/04/2015 03:13

Several other options - bike, taxi, road walk - which don't require driving.

In this house the scary walk in the dark would be mine, I'm a karate grade higher than DH.

HicDraconis · 03/04/2015 03:17

You are in the dark ages and need to wise up. Or take a decently heavy torch with you for the purpose of making the alley less dark and not at all for bopping potential muggers on the bonce

Your DD is 18 and wants to go somewhere, she sorts herself out. Lift with friend, taxi, bicycle, walking along the (presumably better lit) car route.

Scary walks down dark alleys in this house are my job, not DH's - I'm a grade higher in karate than he is :)

HicDraconis · 03/04/2015 03:18

Doh for double post, sorry.

Tanfastic · 03/04/2015 04:21

Op, I'm obviously stuck in the 1950'st too, totally with you on this one. My dh would not have expected me to walk through a dark unsafe alley on my own and I wouldn't have done it to be honest. I'm actually pretty surprised at some of the "man up" comments on here.

But I am a wuss and proud of it Grin.

Next time I wouldn't assume he will Do it. I realise it was a last minute arrangement but in that case you should have got your heads together and communicated who was doing what. I'd have driven every time rather than walk.

FishWithABicycle · 03/04/2015 07:12

like DrMorbius said upthread:
It's not a job for the "man of the house". As with any other job, it is a job for the most suitable for the task in question.
In this instance "the man" generally has the physical presence to avoid any unpleasantness.

Plus any Father who allows his DD to go down a dark alley while he has a beer, needs a word with himself

Nothing should be a job for "A Man" just because he's a man. But if this alley walk is really unavoidable then the most appropriate person for the job does it (and in some couples, like the karate couple upthread, that will be the woman). I have no problem accepting that your DH is more appropriate for this task than you, but that's because he looks bigger and less vulnerable than you, not because he's the man of the house.

If it was truly unsafe for your DD to walk home through this alley it was equally unsafe for you to walk to her through it. BUT I do not remotely believe it was unavoidable. I was fully independently mobile for my social life at that age via my trusty bicycle. If I had to be on foot for any reason and had to choose between a scary/dangerous 15 minute walk or a safer 25 minute walk I had the maturity to choose the latter. At that age she could be living entirely independently - your task over the past 18 years was supposed to be giving her the resourcefulness and wisdom to be able to cope with that - at what age do you think she will be capable of living as an adult? because she might be off to uni shortly so you don't have a lot of time left if you haven't done this.

Hakluyt · 03/04/2015 07:28

I do find all the "once your child is 18 they're on their own" comments very sad.

FishWithABicycle · 03/04/2015 07:43

They're not "on their own" - my parents are always there for me when I need them even though it was a number of decades years since I was 18. But good parents are working towards forming their children into independent beings so when the OP doesn't seem to be even considering the possibility that her DD could take any personal responsibility here it does seem a valid area of discussion.

nooka · 03/04/2015 07:58

It's not that they are on their own it's that they should be resourceful enough at that age (and quite a few years before IMO) to find their own solution, plus as an adult why should they be more at risk than the OP? Either the path is too risky to use alone for either the OP or her dd (maybe her dh too for that matter) or it's a bit scary but fundamentally not really an issue.

I expect my children (in their teens) to be fairly independent, by 18 they will likely be off to university or exploring the world, quite possibly on their own. I'd hate to think that they couldn't solve the dilemma of a slightly scary path.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/04/2015 08:07

Could you not have walked the short cut there, and walked the long way round thus avoiding the alley of doom on the way back?

OutsSelf · 03/04/2015 08:10

Statistically, your husband is more likely to be attacked in the proverbial dark alley.

I think the way you phrase this is problematic because you breathlessly reproduce the idea that women are terribly vulnerable and need protecting by men. Your daughter is unlikely to be attacked in a dark alley, she's more at risk from the men of your own family/ boyfriends. Your husband is not safe because he is a man, he's a better target for street crime and violence.

That said, he sounds like a bit of an arse. He really should be prepared to take responsibility in enabling your daughter to conduct her social life under the conditions you have both agreed - though I find those conditions unreasonable myself.

Hakluyt · 03/04/2015 08:15

Yep- I would expect my 18 year old to solve the problem of the scary path too. But her solution would probably be for some friends to come and collect her- and th OP has said that her dd has friendship problems, so that might not be an option.

And I also think that families run on being nice to each other. The OP's Dp shouldn't have to walk the path because he's a man- but because other people are scared and he's not. When our cat brings in dead rats I always deal with them. Not because Dp couldn't (and hasn't in the past) but because he hates rats and i don't mind them.

Idontseeanydragons · 03/04/2015 08:47

Weirdly some families still watch out for each other whether they're adults or children - how odd that some don't!
OP it's not that it's a mans job at all - it's more a case of what you or him are comfortable with doing. If a dark alley or isolated place makes you uncomfortable and feel unsafe then DH should step up whether your daughter is 8, 18 or 28.
I thought that was what families did...

GoatsDoRoam · 03/04/2015 08:55

Dark alleys are not dangerous. People are dangerous. Usually, the people we know.

It is far, far more likely that something would happen to your DD at that party, rather than on the walk to or from it. But you wouldn't ban her from attending, or chaperone her while there, would you?

Womble200 · 03/04/2015 09:48

There's no man in my house; I have to do everything! Grin

Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 10:17

A friend of mine was raped in an alley, no-one could see or hear here so her calls for help were futile. I was once cornered in an alley although I managed to get away. Don't tell me they're not more risky than a normal street.

Whether the OP over-reacted is a different question.

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 10:55

Don't tell me they're not more risky than a normal street.

This is a very serious and emotive issue, so I hope I word this ok, but you seem to be confusing incidents which are highly significant to you and your friend with statistical likelihood.

If you're defining "risky" as "places were more rapes occur" than alleys are incredibly safe places and your home incredibly risky.

popalot · 03/04/2015 11:05

He should have walked her. It's safer for a man. Can we really argue any differently? However, I can see why he resisted. Next time she'll have to get a cab.

fluffapuss · 03/04/2015 11:09

Hello Two

Gosh !

Your daughter is 18 not 8 ! ! !

Of course she can walk round on her own. If you feel the need, buy her a torch

Encourage her to get a job or part time job, so that she can afford her own transport.

I would suggest that you need "to cut the apron strings" & stop treating your child like a young child & treat her more like an adult - encourage independence & assertiveness !

I dont know what the appropriate word is, but you & your daughter need to "man up" !

Suggest finding some stories on the internet for inspiration eg there was a 16 year old girl who sailed round the world etc

Good luck

Lydiand · 03/04/2015 11:11

He didn't need to walk her, he could have driven. Job done, everyone happy.

Lydiand · 03/04/2015 11:15

We will always give our daughter lifts, no matter how old.

"cut the apron strings at 18". No.

Bakeoffcake · 03/04/2015 11:24

"And I also think that families run on being nice to each other"

Blooming well said Hakluyt. What happened to just helping someone out because they'd rather not do it?(even if the reason isn't logical).

In our house DH deals with dead things the dog drags in and dog shit, I deal with blood (as DH thinks he's going to faint if he sees it). I wouldn't demand DH deals with a child's bloody knee, just because his fear is irrational.

My dd is 25 and has only just stopped being petrified of the dark. Should I have made her walk home her own in the pitch dark? No because that would be cruel and unkind.

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 13:36

It's safer for a man

No it isn't. The statistics say that men are more likely to come to harm whilst out walking. In fact they're twice as likely as women.

www.thesite.org/crime-and-safety/personal-safety/safety-for-men-9068.html

www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/feb/07/crime-statistics-england-wales-violent-sexual-offences

Mitzi50 · 03/04/2015 13:57

DS and I always collect DD (18 yrs) when she's at her friend's house - no dark alleys but no street lighting or pavements and not many houses. I always insist my daughter and I walk the same friend home at night. Not entirely logical as they are both at uni and currently backpacking in Eastern Europe but I'd rather do it than not when they're at home.

DS (17 yrs) doesn't have any friends within walking distance so not an issue but I used to collect him from scouts in the winter rather than let him walk the very short distance across the park in the dark.

Trills · 03/04/2015 14:05

Yes, you are wrong in thinking that it's a job for the man of the house.

You are probably wrong in thinking that it's "a job" that needs doing at all.

You are definitely wrong in thinking that being "the man" has any bearing on who should do it.

MadeMan · 03/04/2015 14:14

"Making tea and crackers now"

I live alone and my home is an absolute tip at the moment in need of a good cleanup, but thanks to this statement, this is now the only job I'll be doing as a man around my house this Easter weekend!