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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong in thinking this is more a job for the man in the house??

129 replies

twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 02/04/2015 22:42

Happy to be told I am so in the dark ages...honestly I value all your opinions but just need to get some perspective on this. Tonight DD 18 (young niave thing...well i think..but thats not the issue) is going out tonight and needs to be taken to her friends house very last minute thing..she was meant to be getting picked up from here but last minute probs meant we had to take her there... its only 3 mins in the car but walking is through a dark alley....yikes.... scooby doo neck holding stuff... its just not a nice little cut to take but has to be done on foot to friends house...takes bout 15 mins there and the same ( necking holding alley on the way back) I hate it and would never ever ever allow her to walk the 50 yds or so of "terror". Anyway ...tonight...previous to this.... both hubby and I where out at clubs with our other kids at different venues, and he kicked off about having to go out with DD again ( he wanted a beer) I had been home half an hour before him had opened wine and had bout half a glass at this stage....obviously I cd not drive her...He wd "not" drive her so I had to do the walk of terror.... he thought this was ok. I had to be all brave with DD on the way there and was absolutely "cacking" myself on the journey back.. Im home now and in a state of shock of what I had to do.. do I need to just like wise up and grow a pair or is hubby not being very fair.. Sorry for rambling post but I'm just peeved at the minute.

Making tea and crackers now..ummmm xx

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 03/04/2015 14:35

teach her how to defend herself (like Takewondo or something similar as I don't know what's out there)

I do believe people should always go places with a friend or family they trust. Guys or Gals. (there were a lot of my male friends who got attacked but they slightly knew the person)

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 14:45

I do believe people should always go places with a friend or family they trust.

Isn't this rather limiting?

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 14:52

Limiting and annoying.

When I was younger I had a friend who's mother wouldn't allow her to come out unless she was walking home with someone. Now the mother knew damn well it was just me and her DD, so it was me having to walk my friend home then walk back alone. The mum didn't give a shit though.

nooyearnooname · 03/04/2015 14:55

I have to say DP would never 'let' me walk down a dark alley alone at night, whether I was scared or not. I don't think it's a matter of whose job it is, (most) women are more vulnerable than men to being attacked or raped, that's just the way it is. I would be quite upset if I was you, I'd feel like he didn't care about my safety.

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 15:00

(most) women are more vulnerable than men to being attacked or raped, that's just the way it is.

What do you think about the evidence given earlier that suggests it's not "just the way it is"?

nooyearnooname · 03/04/2015 15:10

Hadn't RTFT Vivacia, apologies. Just giving my opinion.

blueberrypie0112 · 03/04/2015 15:12

they don't HAVE to, but i always feel it is a good idea if they do.

babygiraffe86 · 03/04/2015 15:14

I'm wondering how a 3 minute drive on a road takes 15 minutes to walk including and alleyway?

Maybe juSt me but I moved out at 18 and waked home from my pub job at 3am alone.
Mum would have laughed and told me to man up had I asked for her to accompany me - never crossed my mind to ask to be fair.

I do agree with no driving after any alcohol though -car crash caused by drunk driver at 16 has definitely made me of the same mindset! How were they getting to town? If a 3 min drive could they have not collected dd on the way or anything?

babygiraffe86 · 03/04/2015 15:15

Wow my spelling is atrocious!!

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 15:18

You don't have to apologise for having different opinion Smile what makes you say that "it's just the way it is" though?

blueberrypie0112 · 03/04/2015 15:20

"Now the mother knew damn well it was just me and her DD, so it was me having to walk my friend home then walk back alone. The mum didn't give a shit though."

That's different though, I was talking about going somewhere together. walking home, well only it's a good idea walk with your neighbor if you are coming home from school. only if it reasonable.

The mother should have drove you home if she strongly felt the way she felt. OR go get her child.

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 15:26

they don't HAVE to, but i always feel it is a good idea if they do

I don't know about that. I think it's often a good idea to do something on your own or with new people.

Jackieharris · 03/04/2015 15:28

Surely it would be better to walk the car route if you are that worried.

By 18 I'd been living in a different city from my parents for a year. I just can't fathom them ever walking me somewhere at night!

blueberrypie0112 · 03/04/2015 15:29

walking home, well only it's a good idea walk with your neighbor if you are coming home from school. only if it reasonable. (sorry, I am thinking of my son, he does walk from home from school as his school bus does not go through this way. too close to school BUT he doesn't walk with his neighbors though.. I did walk to my friend's house alone a lot (to and fro) but I did walk with a friend to the store that was 3 miles away

a lot of my deaf friends mom would not even dare let their kids walk alone out of fear of getting hit by car.. not that it matters but parents do have all sort of fear.

KatieKaye · 03/04/2015 15:29

YABU - because you should have taught your DD long before this to make plans for how she gets to and from places safely by herself at night.

Which includes having a back-up plan that is not reliant on others.

She is 18, so I don't understand why you say that you "would never let her" walk 50 yards down that alley? there was a safe alternative, although it would take her longer. that is the choice she should have made.

You need to work with your DD about making safe choices. She's probably going to be leaving home soon and she needs to have that knowledge, rather than relying on other people, whether it is friends giving her a lift or parents walking her there. It is sad that at 18 she is still asking for a lift for such a short distance and you need to hep her become more self-reliant so she can make safe decisions in future.

nooyearnooname · 03/04/2015 15:57

Vivacia I suppose my thinking is that if a man attacks a woman, it's not usually an even match in terms of strength, so the woman would usually come off worse. Man vs man (elderly / disabled etc excluded obvs) I think the attackee would have a better chance in a fight. For a woman there is also the threat of rape or other sexual assault as well as plain violence. I know it happens to men too, but I think that man on man sexual assault by total strangers is far less common than man on woman sexual assault (recognise its less likely to be reported though). I don't have any facts or stats to back up my views though so happy to be proved wrong!

pocketsaviour · 03/04/2015 16:09

At the age of 18 I think I'd have died of embarrassment if my mum had walked me to a party!!

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 16:19

Grays posted a couple of interesting articles earlier today nooy

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 16:31

When it comes down to it, he's a lazy bastard who puts his own comfort and love of booze ahead of the safety of his daughter and wife.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/04/2015 16:51

I think everybody is being unreasonable but then, when I was 18, I managed an inner city community centre which involved me locking up at midnight and walking home alone in a notorious area.

I get that being 18 doesn't mean you wash your hands of your child and their safety but this should mean making sure they know how to reduce risk and protect themselves when you are not there to do it for them.

This means one or more of the following:

  • learn to drive
  • get a bike
  • get a whistle and a rape alarm
  • learn self defence (I'm not sure about this one but it does give one confidence)
  • get a taxi (again not always a safe option regardless of whether the driver is licensed)
  • get high vis running gear and trainers and run home
PurpleSwift · 03/04/2015 17:02

I'm sorry but you sound utterly ridiculous and are completly over dramatising this. YABSOU

Roomba · 03/04/2015 17:11

My parents were very overprotective of me when I was a child, but by 18 I'd been off Inter-Railing round Europe on my own for several weeks (often staying in pretty dodgy hostels sharing rooms with complete strangers). I would have rather died than have my parents walk me to or drop me off at a party, however scary the walk! It wasn't an alleyway full of drug dealers ffs, just some trees and noises!

I get that people wish to protect their children as best they can - I feel the same - but how can they ever learn to protect themselves as adults if you won't even let them walk 50 yards in the dark on their own?

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 17:11

When it comes down to it, he's a lazy bastard who puts his own comfort and love of booze ahead of the safety of his daughter and wife

Bollocks.

It's okay for the OP to wash her hands of it and have her drink though because she's a woman?

And at that age I wouldn't have expected my parents to put their nights on hold to walk me through a sodding alley, especially if my mum thought it okay to guilt trip my dad on the basis of her being female.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 17:59

This is a very serious and emotive issue, so I hope I word this ok, but you seem to be confusing incidents which are highly significant to you and your friend with statistical likelihood. If you're defining "risky" as "places were more rapes occur" than alleys are incredibly safe places and your home incredibly risky

I am not confusing anything thanks, so don't adopt that patronising tone with me. I was talking specifically about risk in stranger rape and sexual assaults. You conflate acquaintance and stranger rape. I did not discuss statistics. Women are more likely to be sexually assaulted by an acquaintance, but for women who are assaulted by a stranger, if you read research into convicted sex offenders, assailants generally look for an area that is not overlooked and a victim who appears vulnerable.

Deserted walkways whether an alley, towpath, paths across recreation grounds, common land or parks etc are fairly common choices.

It depends on the alley but generally they are distinct from roads with houses, flats, shops etc on either side and through traffic. The experience of my friend and to a much lesser extent myself, was that calls for help went unheard because there was no-one to hear, as neither alley had any houses or buildings overlooking it. Both incidents occurred in daylight and the assailants would have been at much greater risk of being seen on a normal London street.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 18:05

That said, you're not very likely to be raped anywhere. And you're more likely to be raped by an acquaintance, partner or ex-partner than by a stranger.