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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am panicking because I killed my iPhone- this is not good.

116 replies

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:19

DP has OCD. We have recently had DC2 and this has made it much worse. So much so that I feel like it's taking over my life. I am "allowed" to do less and less in the house because I once didn't do something "properly", I.e. To his OCD standard. Today I put my iPhone in the washing machine. It's an ancient 3GS, I've had it about 4 years. But I know it's going to become another sign that I am careless, never do things properly etc. I am in tears, dreading telling DP. This is not good. I'm hardly bothered about the phone - it was old, backed up regularly. I just can't face DP's reaction. What has the relationship come to? :(

OP posts:

WicksEnd · 02/04/2015 17:26

It's doesn't sound like he has OCD.

It sounds like he is a bully. Big difference. Re the phone, stick it in a bag of rice, might be beyond it but worth a try. Re DH, you shouldn't be in tears over a phone, it's not normal, he is using OCD to hide the fact, or to justify the fact he is controlling.

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 17:28

What makes you think he has OCD?

What other explanations could there be for his behaviour?

What do you think would be a proportional, reasonable response on hearing that your partner has accidentally damaged something of their own?

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:29

He definitely does have OCD, but I agree it feels increasingly like controlling behaviour as well. Have been trying to persuade him we need counselling but he won't go.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:31

Has been medicated for OCD since he was a teenager, long standing diagnosis. Mainly focussed on recycling but there are other triggers.

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 02/04/2015 17:33

It sounds like he needs counselling not you.

Who made him Grand Poobah to dictate to you and make you feel like the hired help.

Re the iPhone try putting it to dry out in a bowl of rice and don't switch it on for a few days.

Pipbin · 02/04/2015 17:35

It is possible to have OCD and be a cunt. The two are not connected.

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:38

I know Pipbin, I know. Sometimes it's hard to tell which is which though. And whether he's both.

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 17:39

Don't you stand up for yourself? Just because he suffers with OCD doesn't mean you have to live by his standards. Why do you let him belittle you?

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:40

Because I'm an idiot Buzzard. Is that what you wanted to hear?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 17:43

Don't you stand up for yourself? Yeah, it's all the OP's fault

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 17:43

OP think about what would be a reasonable response and then prepare a response for if you get an unreasonable response.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2015 17:45

What are his reasons for refusing to go to counselling?.

Is this really a relationship that you want your children to be witness to as well?. They will learn all about relationships from the two of you.

WicksEnd · 02/04/2015 17:48

I'm sure Buzzard didn't mean you were an idiot OP, I expect you're wound down by him and put up with his abuse because he claims it's his OCD.

Here's the crux though, if his OCD has not improved since teens and is getting worse, then his abuse is going to get worse too as as far as he's concerned, it is OCD which makes him choose to treat you that way.
He's hardly going to admit he's just an abusive twat after all these years you've put up with it.
If you said 'Stop, I will not be spoken to like that' What would he do/say?

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:48

From him Viv? I'd like sympathy and a discussion about whether it would be better to get an iPhone 5c or 6. What I'm expecting is a long discussion about how careless I am and this is why I can't be trusted, and then to have this brought up repeatedly whenever I ask him to do anything, or ask why I can't do something (like some recycling) because I don't check things properly.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 02/04/2015 17:49

Op I remember you. We're you the lady who was worried what the midwives and HV would say when they saw your husband haul in the living room?

My heart goes out to you. I understand you love your husband very much but you have to ask yourself how much you are prepared to compromise yourself and your dc life to accommodate his MH issues.

I think you're a start for coping this long.

What does he do if your cd try to touch his recycling?

Witchofthenorth · 02/04/2015 17:51

Hi Bears....I think buzzard just wanted you to see, in a blunt way, what you are doing.

Its not about the phone, its about him and his behaviour toward you. I dont doubt he is OCD, however, I feel that perhaps he has intentionally or not, used his OCD as a front for being a controlling arse.

As hard as it is, you need to stand up for yourself...its only a phone. Not the end of the world. As far as you being allowed to do less and less in your house? Its your house as much as hi. Do what you bloody well please. The OCD is his issue, that he is being medicated for. He recognises this, therefore, should be making an effort to try and not let it impact on your life. I have no experience with OCD, so may be way off track.

You are NOT careless or incapable. You have been ground down by a man who feels the need to control you. If he cannot see that his condition is affecting your relationship so much, he needs more help.

You DO NOT need counselling he does.

Im afraid I am more on the side of him being a controlling bully who is using his OCD as an excuse, than the OCD is out of control.

Take a deep breath, its not worth it, his impending reaction is out of context. I would take some time to decide if you want a future with this man.

How is his reactions? Are they violent? Aggressive? Passive aggressive?

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 17:52

I don't give one shit what his mental health issues are

When you are frightened of your husband's reaction to a completely commonplace accident, then it's time to call it a day

for your kid's sake, if not for your own

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 17:53

I'd like sympathy and a discussion about whether it would be better to get an iPhone 5c or 6.

Seems very reasonable to me! So if you don't get this you could say, "I was actually expecting a bit of sympathy, because it's my phone that got damaged. I wanted to discuss what to replace it with, because it's quite an exciting silver lining to this".

If you still don't get the reasonable response how would you feel about saying, "Er, this wasn't an invite for you to be unkind".

ElizabethHoover · 02/04/2015 17:54

i washed mine last week and was also dreading telling h. No marital issues at all, but you feel like a nob anyway and I was cross with myself.

how far from this is it?

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:55

Attila, he's had CBT, it worked a bit but now he knows it all and more wouldn't help. He is also cleverer than any counsellor and would beat them at their own game .

Wicks, exactly, am ground down. It hasn't got steadily worse since teens, just since DS arrived and he is struggling trying to do everything to his standards. I know I need to be explicit that what he says / does is crossing boundaries now. Was just hoping we could push through it, but this has made me realise how bad things are.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:58

That's me, quite, yes.

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 02/04/2015 18:00

bears

BertieBotts · 02/04/2015 18:01

He is also cleverer than any counsellor and would beat them at their own game

This rings huge alarm bells. Counsellors are there to help, they are not there to outsmart you or play a game. Why does he think that?!

Witchofthenorth · 02/04/2015 18:03

He is also cleverer than any counsellor and would beat them at their own game

this worries me....this tells me that he knows how to control his behaviour, he just chooses not too and that he is manipulative

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 18:04

Yes, OP, I wanted you to see that you don't have to put up with this just because he says so. I know you probably think you are being supportive as he suffers from a terrible condition but why should your life be made a misery too? That is not helping anyone.

Thanks to those who engaged thought.

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