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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am panicking because I killed my iPhone- this is not good.

116 replies

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:19

DP has OCD. We have recently had DC2 and this has made it much worse. So much so that I feel like it's taking over my life. I am "allowed" to do less and less in the house because I once didn't do something "properly", I.e. To his OCD standard. Today I put my iPhone in the washing machine. It's an ancient 3GS, I've had it about 4 years. But I know it's going to become another sign that I am careless, never do things properly etc. I am in tears, dreading telling DP. This is not good. I'm hardly bothered about the phone - it was old, backed up regularly. I just can't face DP's reaction. What has the relationship come to? :(

OP posts:

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 18:07

Thanks to those who engaged thought.

Ie. not vivacia or the OP. Those two are just not very clever.

Ratfinkandbobo · 02/04/2015 18:08

You need to ask yourself 'do I want this for the rest of my life?' If the answer is no, then you need to think what your options are. Think of the impact of his behaviour on your dc's. No opportunities to play and learn for fear of mess.

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 18:09

Witch, I understand what you're saying, and I've tried to find a way to get this across to him, this is not his house, family, etc, it is ours, but it has been his way for so long. It started out as division of labour ("I'll do cooking and washing up, you do recycling"), it's become all about how he has to do it because I once put a banana in the compost heap with a sticker on. So I can't be trusted to do the composting any more.

There is no question that he is also ill. He has to check all our baby's nappies in case there is too much poo that could be flushed rather than sent to landfill. :( he doesn't see how strange that is.

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 18:13

The OP is upset, I get that. There is no need to go around jumping on people and trying to make out there is something malicious in their post. Anyone can see that I am on her side in this.

His condition appears to be out of control OP, if he is not going to do anything about it and make you feel you can't speak out then you need to consider your future happiness.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 02/04/2015 18:14

He expects you to understand his MH problems and accept him but he wont accept mistakes that you make.

You need to have a very frank conversation and set down some boundaries. You need to let him know that you will make mistakes at times because you are human and for him to apply 'his rules' to you is irrational. If he doesn't like it, it is because of his MH problems, not you.

You have a right to be accepted for you are, imperfections and all and if he can't accept that, he needs to seek help.

I agree that the fact he sees himself as cleverer than any counsellor is a bit of a red flag suggesting he thinks he is right.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:15

if he sees counselling as a battle to be won or lost, there is no help for him

the fact he can "outsmart" professionals only tells me his arrogance knows no bounds and he will never, ever change. That is just pure manipulation and it's at your cost, not theirs

what are you hanging on for ? More of the same, for years and years and years ?

Witchofthenorth · 02/04/2015 18:17

Living with a partner who has MH issues can be exhausting and relentless. And yes, they are ill and need support. However, when you get to a point where you are scared about your partnes reaction to something really quite insignificant, then you need to take time and decide how much longer you can do this.

This will not just affect you, but your DCs too.

Only you can decide OP, but i would be seriously considering my future. There is no illness in this world that should have you in fear of a reaction.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/04/2015 18:17

I understand that you love him but is it really worth sacrificing a normal life for yourself and your child?

My friend has ocd and she is the kindest, sweetest person I know. Your H has ocd and is also a controlling bully.

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 18:19

Re counselling, it's more that he thinks he knows how CBT works and he won't benefit from it. He understands how it works and understands his condition better than a counsellor would. For me though, I have tried to talk to him so many times and it always comes back to me ("I would let you do more if I thought I could trust you"). I want to talk in a neutral space where some one independent can chip in and keep the discussion focussed.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:20

OP, if you upped and left him but put a soup can in the wrong recycling bin on your way out the door....what would bother him the most ?

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 18:21

That is a good question AF.

OP, my original post was why don't you stand up to him, as in, why don't you feel you can? Are you frightened of him?

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 18:22

He expects you to understand his MH problems and accept him but he wont accept mistakes that you make.

This captures it well.

It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde - "normal" DP is very supportive, fun, great father etc. OCD DP is a different story.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:22

no counsellor worth their salt would see you together

they would very quickly clock he was using the sessions to verbally beat you further into submission

Purpleball · 02/04/2015 18:23

Aside from the husband issues which I'm no good on, put the iPhone in a sealed container with a load of rice and leave it a couple of days. It fixes it more often than it doesn't

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:23

he isn't two different men, OP

he is the same man who switches his bullying of you on and off at will

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 18:28

OP, if you upped and left him but put a soup can in the wrong recycling bin on your way out the door....what would bother him the most ?

This is a question I want him to consider. I don't think he even thinks that I could leave, and doesn't see that I am getting closer and closer to an ultimatum- if the recycling doesn't go I will.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 18:30

Sorry, struggling to keep up with responses!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:31

Gralick · 02/04/2015 18:31

Have you seen Nettle Tea's Bancroft thread, Bears?
Mr Right
The Drill Sergeant

How much do you recognise?

MadameOvary · 02/04/2015 18:31

I wonder how many on this thread have MH issues but don't use it as a stick to beat their partners with?
Saying that he "can't trust you" with the recycling is just an excuse to undermine you. I'm quite sure he believes what he's saying but his complete lack of willingness to take responsibility for the fallout from his condition is what makes him abusive.

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 18:34

Has he had CT?

blueberrypie0112 · 02/04/2015 18:36

put it in a sock, and let it sit in the bowl of rice... the rice will get rid of the moisture and it will work fine again (from the person who went through this)

Or talk to him, and hopefully it is under warranty.

But you should reconsider your relationship with him though.

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 18:36

Sorry, I meant CBT, has he ever had any or just thinks he knows it won't work?

blueberrypie0112 · 02/04/2015 18:39

"He is also cleverer than any counsellor and would beat them at their own game"

He doesn't want help, does he? Are you sure he doesn't have any other problems beside OCD? my son tend to be OCD (anxiety, exactly) and even HE want to get help and because a better person.

blueberrypie0112 · 02/04/2015 18:40

because=become (I wish there was an edit button)

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