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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am panicking because I killed my iPhone- this is not good.

116 replies

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:19

DP has OCD. We have recently had DC2 and this has made it much worse. So much so that I feel like it's taking over my life. I am "allowed" to do less and less in the house because I once didn't do something "properly", I.e. To his OCD standard. Today I put my iPhone in the washing machine. It's an ancient 3GS, I've had it about 4 years. But I know it's going to become another sign that I am careless, never do things properly etc. I am in tears, dreading telling DP. This is not good. I'm hardly bothered about the phone - it was old, backed up regularly. I just can't face DP's reaction. What has the relationship come to? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 03/04/2015 10:42

I know this represents the negative side of DP - he is also really nice 90% of the time, but with recent stress the negatives have got much worse. I really need to talk to him again about the effect the OCD and his recent behaviour is having on us all. Sometimes he is aggressive, sometimes he just gets really down about how he can't make things perfect for us and I need him to know it's not the OCD but the controlling behaviour that is really damaging.

As others have pointed out I also need to make it clear this is our house not his and I need to be able to do more without being criticised.

Finally I need to get through to him that the situation can't last. It's not fair on me or the DC and if I have to move to protect them I will. Like AF said I just want him to recognise that he is putting rubbish (literally) ahead of his DC and me, and he might just end up with the piles of recycling and no family :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 10:49

I know this represents the negative side of DP - he is also really nice 90% of the time

It's that 10% that defines the relationship OP.

And if you're honest it's not 10% is it, this is day in day out day after day after day...

minkGrundy · 03/04/2015 10:56

I think the issue with the counselling is not who is cleverer but if you have had and have struggled with an illness for a long time and tried to control it but not succeeded then it is natural to take the pov that it is very difficult if not impossible to control.

I.e. if dh thinks he is highly capable yet he is not capable of controlling this then he will in fact be resistant to it being controlled by something he perceives as simple.

If it were that simple he would have done it himself.

So he is invested in his condition and in it being hard to fix. He is also invested in being unable to control it 'he can't help it'.
Because otherwise he would have to admit he has not been very nice to you.

However, OP, it matters not why he does it what matters is what he does and it effect on you. The effect is the same whether he can help it or not.

You cannot carry on living like this so either he decides it is hopeless and lets you go or he decides to consciously control how he treats you.

I agree with pps though that the level of control is excessive and abusive rather than direct symptom of OCD. And again it does not matter why he abuses you. What is relevant is that you are being abused. And no one should have to live with abuse.

MadeMan · 03/04/2015 14:02

I thought OCD was about straightening up cushions and washing your hands all the time, not getting on somebody's case for accidently putting their phone through the wash; that just seems like being a bullying arsehole.

It's probably not a good idea if he has a temper or such, but I'd be tempted to tell him that you washed it on purpose and then laugh hysterically in his face like a grinning maniac.

Also, as PamDoove suggested on page 1, put the phone in some dry rice and leave it for a few days because sometimes modern technology is more robust than we expect and it may still work fine.

MadeMan · 03/04/2015 14:05

WicksEnd also suggested the rice trick too. Wink

PoppyField · 03/04/2015 15:13

Hi OP,

Your phone story reminds me of an exactly similar incident with my XH. I put my new phone in the wash and I truly feared his reaction. It didn't occurr to me to think that it was something he would be ok about. I expected to be 'punished'. And so I was. He was horrible about it, and instead of calling me a wally, he reacted as if I had either done it on purpose - i.e morally corrupt,or as if I was the stupidest, most despicable person in the world. Scary and head-fucking in equal parts.

I can see that he is only 10% nasty, but like Twinkelstein says it is that 10% that defines your relationship. And the significant thing is, that you are aware of this, worrying about his reaction and generally on edge 24/7.

10% bullying = 100% dread/anxiety all the time you're with him.

How dare he 'punish' you for not doing things the way he wants them? How very dare he? I think you should think carefully about the future with this man. You probably feel a great deal of compassion for him. I would try to feel compassion for yourself now, and think about how you will feel in five years' time when he will have got worse.

AyMamita · 03/04/2015 17:47

What does this man do for work, OP? Does he have an office job? Does he bully and berate coworkers who don't recycle correctly? Or does he save that behaviour just for you and the DCs?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/04/2015 15:20

Looks like you were all right. Went to town, got a new phone, all fine. Went to set it up and my photos didn't appear. Wasn't sure if I'd synced or restored from backup. Cue lecture from DP on how I was childish (?) for not knowing exactly what settings were on my old phone, and an idiot for putting the phone in the wash. I should "fear his response" because I am an idiot. Ended when he asked as I was so careless would I leave DS somewhere and forget him.

He has stormed off and is now presumably sleeping in the spare room (he's been there 2 hours), leaving me with DC, who apparently I can't be trusted to look after Hmm :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/04/2015 15:22

AyMamita No, he'll just call them irresponsible idiots behind their backs. He will bully and berate them if they don't do their jobs to his standard.

OP posts:
hippymama1 · 04/04/2015 15:36

op this is not OCD. This is bullying and abuse. You and your children deserve better.

Ratfinkandbobo · 04/04/2015 15:49

He is an abusive twat. End this relationship. Go find him and tell him to fuck off!!!!!

AnyFucker · 04/04/2015 15:55

He sounds simply horrible

he doesn't deserve a loving family around him

if you are so shit, why doesn't he do you a massive favour and fuck off for good

he could go cuddle a green bin. ...see if that keeps him warm at night

Goldenyellowhibiscus · 04/04/2015 16:00

I agree with AF.

I made so many excuses for mine on the basis he could be 'really nice' Hmm and that's the point. They can be nice. They are choosing to be twats.

Honestly OP, he sounds horrible. Flowers

iknowimcoming · 04/04/2015 16:02

Oh dear Bears I really feel for you Sad I was in a similar situation this time last year (without the OCD excuse tho) I had reached rock bottom and told my DH to leave as I couldn't take it anymore. He begged me to let him stay and said he would do anything to put it right, so I agreed and said he had to get professional help, not believing for one second that he would. However he did and after lots of help from a great therapist (who eventually saw me too) I can honestly say that we've never been happier. However I am very aware that I am lucky and that in most cases people who emotionally abuse others don't change, and that things could have turned out very differently, but they still would have been better than staying the same. Tell your dh that he must change or leave, but mean it, I promise whatever the outcome things will get better if you stand up for yourself and your dc and take control Thanks

Gralick · 04/04/2015 16:02

I should "fear his response" Shock Who does he think he is, Vladimir Putin??!

What an absolutely hideous thing to say - an arrogant threat, coupled with a bunch of verbal abuse.

Chuck the petty dictator out, rapidly followed by all his recycling.

Soon! Pretty please?

Goldenyellowhibiscus · 04/04/2015 16:04

I did Grin at that, Gralick

hippymama1 · 04/04/2015 16:06

Is there anywhere that either you and the Dcs can go, or he can go, to give you all some space? The last thing your and your Dcs need is him sulking like a teenager and making a huge atmosphere...

Whatever you do, don't try to appease him - he's probably sitting in the spare room waiting for you to do just that. What a spiteful, manipulative bully.

Hope you are as ok as you can be under these horrible circumstances. Flowers

Ratfinkandbobo · 04/04/2015 16:06

You should fear his response!!! What a fucking dickhead. Go and set fire to the recycling bin!!!!!!!!!

lorrainecleaver · 04/04/2015 16:12

I agree with the others, his mental health condition is no excuse to bully and belittle you.

As an aside, OCD is often a manifestation of long standing B12 deficiency, if it's not been tested, it should be. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3573587/

lorrainecleaver · 04/04/2015 16:14

Oh just read your update.

Leave the bastard. No amount of OCD explains this. He's a bully.

ARoomWithoutAView · 04/04/2015 16:41

Leave, let him deal with it in his way. He will have to learn the hard way that some things are not within his control. That is not your problem.

Ouchbloodyouch · 04/04/2015 17:33

Twunt

RubbishMantra · 04/04/2015 17:49

Yes, agree with AF. Let the bully snuggle with a bin. Or even go and live in one, like the snarly bloke from Sesame Street.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/04/2015 18:08

He's nasty!

Regardless of any MH issue he has, it doesn't excuse his vile behaviour towards you.

Seriously Bears - is this going to be your life for years to come? Nobody deserves to be treated like that!

Witchofthenorth · 04/04/2015 18:16

Oh bears! Just read your update..

You should fear my response Shock ??

What a horrible bullying vindictive thing to fucking say. Perhaps a wee reminder that despite his belief to the contrary, the world does not revolve around him and that he is a bullying cunt!

Bears I am so mad for you...you and your DC deserve so much better, please tell this wank stain to piss off!