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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am panicking because I killed my iPhone- this is not good.

116 replies

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 17:19

DP has OCD. We have recently had DC2 and this has made it much worse. So much so that I feel like it's taking over my life. I am "allowed" to do less and less in the house because I once didn't do something "properly", I.e. To his OCD standard. Today I put my iPhone in the washing machine. It's an ancient 3GS, I've had it about 4 years. But I know it's going to become another sign that I am careless, never do things properly etc. I am in tears, dreading telling DP. This is not good. I'm hardly bothered about the phone - it was old, backed up regularly. I just can't face DP's reaction. What has the relationship come to? :(

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/04/2015 18:54

The therapy comment rings ENORMOUS bells.

Normal people WANT help.

Abusers don't.

Go out now, get yourself a new phone on an upgrade and sod what he thinks.

He's using ocd to abuse you. trust me on this.

and he'll go on to abuse your child in the same way.

LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 19:11

He's abusing and controlling you.

The OCD is just a cover up - and the reason why he doesn't want to sort it out

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 19:14

Have spoken to him. Was fine about the phone. Says i should be thinking about upgrading anyway.

I just feel like this crisis is over, but it won't be long until the next one. Something needs to change, I just don't know how to do it, or what to do. I've suggested further treatment, ie talking to GP, looking for private counselling, couples counselling. He adores the DC and just doesn't see how this affects them. But he also doesn't see (care??) about the impact on me.

What really stresses him at the moment is that we agreed what I would need to be done before I went on mat leave me to be able to look after the DC at home, and that hasn't happened, and he has to make that my fault, somehow.

OP posts:
glintwithpersperation · 02/04/2015 19:22

It is completely normal to occasionally make silly mistakes in life eg drop and smash phone, loose credit cards, shrink clothing, smash plates, knock a cup of tea into a drawer of documents. Any partner who goes beyond calling you a wally and berates you or punishes you by stopping your access to household activities is an abusive bastard. You and your children deserve so much more

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 19:29

he is not a good father if he treats the mother of his children like this

whathaveiforgottentoday · 02/04/2015 19:35

He's got the wrong idea about the role of the counsellor. They don't make you better, a good counsellor should help the individual help themselves. The fact that he understands himself better should be a good thing - but he doesn't want to get better. He would probably expect a counsellor to wave a magic wand to make him better, which is never going to happen. Therefore, of course, no counselling is ever going to work while he has this attitude.

I feel for you because unless he understands how irrational he is being, he can't/wont stop.

Hissy · 02/04/2015 19:48

Did you speak to him face to face about the phone? Or is he not in yet?

If this were my ex I'd be preparing for the comments about my carelessness to start at some point. Is he likely to bring this up in future?

There is a horrible imbalance in your relationship, you are terrified of his reactions. That is no way to live. No way at all.

Please think on about this and look at how others live. Not like this!

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 19:54

I don't think he expects a magic wand from the counsellor, it's more that he's heard it all before and he knows the technique (CBT).

Spoke on FaceTime and yes, worried about when it will be brought up again (and again, and again).

OP posts:
Gralick · 02/04/2015 19:57

What really stresses him at the moment is that we agreed what I would need to be done before I went on mat leave me to be able to look after the DC at home, and that hasn't happened,

  • Fair enough. OCD is anxiety based, and feeling that everything isn't "under control" could be distressing for him ...

and he has to make that my fault, somehow.

... But this is irresponsible. It is not in your gift to make the entire world predictable, nor should it be! Blaming is another symptom of feeling out of control: when we can't accept that things aren't always as we would wish, we blame somebody else instead of taking responsibility for our own feelings.

This obviously hurts the other person needlessly. It is selfish.

He adores the DC and just doesn't see how this affects them. But he also doesn't see (care??) about the impact on me.

He's allowing his desire for an impossibly controlled life to hurt his family.

Hissy · 02/04/2015 20:05

My (abusive) ex used to be fiiiiiiine when I was most terrified he'd go ballistic - used to unsettle me more than when he did go postal.

When I thought it'd be ok, he'd go bat shit and I'd be hearing about it over and over and over again.

Stand up and be counted love. He has no right to bully you or make you fearful in your own home, under any circumstances, for any reason whatsoever.

((((Hug)))

Hissy · 02/04/2015 20:08

Even if he does have ocd, that doesn't give him the right to do this to you.

Hissy · 02/04/2015 20:09

You facetimed him to head him off at the pass, to gauge his reaction, and because you were worried, right?

Sorry. I know this is shit. I've been there and done that. :(

Beatrixemerald · 02/04/2015 21:00

I can really relate to your post. I understand how you feel, I can only say that following a series of eventsy husband got help and is on an abusers programme amongst other things and I am no longer scared of making mistakes. Your dh's behaviour is controlling and abusive, please feel free to pm me if you want any info about the programme he is on, however my husband found it and pays for it himself.

hippymama1 · 02/04/2015 21:28

I have OCD and have had very successful CBT... The thing is that it only works if the sufferer really wants it to as it's quite hard work. Sounds like your DH is happy to remain as he is despite the distress it causes you... Sad

fluffapuss · 02/04/2015 21:48

Hello Bears

I am exhausted just reading this !

One example

compost bin
old fresh vegetable or fruit, teabags, coffee grounds etc

Grass cuttings, leaves, soil, old compost from plant pots, hanging baskets etc

Shredded paper, paper egg boxes

In a couple of years makes wonderful soft compost by itself !

So a sticker on a banana skin will compost down - no problemo

If something does not compost down 100%, does it really matter in the great scheme of things...?

--

Control over you is one thing
Control over children in the future...

I am thinking of one word - escape !

Life is too short !

Good luck

JaceyBee · 02/04/2015 22:22

CBT the NHS favourite therapy and is recommended in the NICE guidelines for OCD largely because the structured/manualised nature of the approach means it's easily replicable and comes out well in RCTs. However, there are many clients for whom it isn't effective, for many reasons. There are many other types of therapy out there, you would probably have to pay privately though. Would he consider this?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2015 22:26

JaceyBee, would be really interested in any further info you have on alternatives to CBT A?

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 02/04/2015 22:59

Well all the research points to the therapeutic value being in the relationship with the therapist over actual techniques used but I would consider an experienced, accredited therapist in either Integrative Psychotherapy, REBT, CAT, or Psychodynamic Psychotherapy. Possibly schema therapy if you suspect underlying personality difficulties which can mean less intense and thorough therapies such as CBT fail. Feel free to PM me if you want

GiveOverLuv · 02/04/2015 23:05

My stepdad had OCD. He was also an abusive prick who reduced my wonderful, capable, smart mother to a quivering wreck who was scared that she had loaded the dishwasher 'wrong'.

badtime · 03/04/2015 00:31

Your partner sounds like a prick. This is entirely separate from his OCD.

I have OCD and I am really nice!

I am mostly okay at the moment, as I have had a lot of therapy. Your partner is very ignorant about CBT - it is not a single type of therapy, so he really can't know all the techniques. Also, if he thinks the therapy process is adversarial, this explains why he has never got better (and will never get better unless he wises up). It is collaborative, and only works if the patient/client is prepared to do the work. It really sounds like he doesn't want to.

My successful therapy combo was REBT to clarify the psychological issues and help with the obsessions, and then I later had ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) to help with the compulsions. These are both forms of CBT.

JaceyBee · 03/04/2015 00:58

I think REBT has been around a lot longer than CBT hasn't it? Ellis certainly predates Beck by at least 10 years. ERP is a behavioural technique used in CBT but does little to address the underlying issues. I'm assuming this is what OP's H has had? In which case he probably does 'know it all' as it is a very simple technique. But not enough for something this ingrained and pervasive I wouldn't say.

badtime · 03/04/2015 08:50

Wow Jacey, you are actually the first person to pull that particular 'no true Scotsman' on me - if ERP worked on you, your OCD can't have been 'ingrained and pervasive'. Hmm

I have had OCD since I was 5 (and possibly earlier) and it was affecting every aspect of my life. Whether it is 'enough' depends (in my view) on whether the patient needs, wants and is ready to 'get better'. ERP is very simple indeed - simple to understand and hard to do.

My point about CBT is that there are many different forms that come under the umbrella. It is doubtful that he is aware of all of them. Furthermore, the fact that he thinks the process is adversarial (beat the therapist at their own game? like they are trying to trick him into getting better?) suggests quite strongly that he has fundamentally misunderstood the processes involved. If he is battling his therapist, ERP will not work, as it is collaborative.

TBH, I 'understood' ERP as well. As part of this, I understood that I would never do it on my own.

JaceyBee · 03/04/2015 09:18

That's great, good for you. I'm not sure what the Hmm is for? I wasn't commenting on your illness. Glad you got better.

I think we're making the same point anyway. ERP alone hasn't been enough in this case. The fact that OP's H sees the therapeutic process as adversarial is of course problematic and suggests he is in no way ready to work on his issues.

I still maintain he could try something other than CBT though, also a lot of NHS CBT therapists have only had a years training and don't have a background in therapy. Depends who you see obviously.

badtime · 03/04/2015 10:07

Yeah, I went private and chose someone highly qualified and specialised, which I know is not an option for most people.

I think you are right that, given his negative opinion of CBT, he should investigate other therapies if he wants to get any better. I don't think he does, though.

Twinklestein · 03/04/2015 10:35

He's not 'cleverer' than any 'counsellor', he's just refusing to play ball that's all. If he approaches counselling as a game in which he must try to outwit his opponent then of course it won't work.

That said, CBT has its limits and doesn't work for everyone so it may be sensible to try a different type.