Am panicking because I killed my iPhone- this is not good.

[Bearsinmotion]

DP has OCD. We have recently had DC2 and this has made it much worse. So much so that I feel like it's taking over my life. I am "allowed" to do less and less in the house because I once didn't do something "properly", I.e. To his OCD standard. Today I put my iPhone in the washing machine. It's an ancient 3GS, I've had it about 4 years. But I know it's going to become another sign that I am careless, never do things properly etc. I am in tears, dreading telling DP. This is not good. I'm hardly bothered about the phone - it was old, backed up regularly. I just can't face DP's reaction. What has the relationship come to? :(

I'm so sorry that he has responded as you expected. You know you have to make a stand otherwise things will
just get worse. My dh is like this (without the OCD - he's just an arse at times) and every now and again he gets a colossal mouthful back from me which keeps it in check. It's not perfect but it does stop me living in fear (been there before as it seems I've married my father). Best of luck

How are you Bears?

Does he still have the huge piles of recycling all over the place that you are too scared to throw out?

Every time he is a controlling cunt throw some of it out. Why not?

Hi op I agree with everything Jaycee up thread has said about CBT and his needing another type of therapy.

More importantly like another poster also said she has suffered from OCD since 5yrs old, this is exactly what your kids have got to look forwards to if not taken out of this environment.

"Cue lecture from DP on how I was childish (?) for not knowing exactly what settings were on my old phone, and an idiot for putting the phone in the wash."

What an absolute prick.

"OCD is often a manifestation of long standing B12 deficiency"

Would a fuckoff size jar of Marmite on toast sort out his crappy behaviour?

Regrettably unlikely, Made. Anyone with that depth of B12 deficiency would be suffering obvious physical symptoms such as lassitude, constant colds, repeated digestive upsets, distorted nails, hair loss and all sorts of things.

There is evidence from the US that prescribed combinations of vitamin & amino acid supplements can help with various mental health conditions - although these aren't routinely tested in the UK, GPs do order them if the usual meds don't seem to be working. Mine is a far from avant-garde practice, but I have all these tests because of ME/CFS with depression.

Thing is, Mr Bears is showing no sign of accepting there might be anything wrong with him. If he had severe nutrient deficiencies, he would be so unwell that he'd be in the doctor's every months. It sounds far more likely he's just a bully with pathological control issues.

Am ok, thank for asking. Like I say, DP is only like this a fraction of the time and when it has blown over is fine. The B12 thing is interesting - he's a strict vegetarian so does have limited B12 intake, but the OCD did predate that.

The thing about throwing recycling out is that would be a real ultimatum, there would be no going back after that. I just can't face that right now. I have told him it's not acceptable to speak to me like that. He says he does it "in the heat of the moment" and that "everyone does this", although couldn't think of a time when I'd called him names in an argument .

We do have very different approaches to conflict, and he is much more confrontational than I am. He seems to think if I don't get wound up by something I don't feel there is a problem so he escalates things to make me react. I don't say things in an argument that I don't mean, I know others do and apologise and move on, but I just don't work like that.

I'm not sure where to go from here. It is all ok now, but it has left me looking for an exit strategy. So far the effect on the DC is limited, but will increase as they get older. Am off to stay with my parents soon for a week, just me and the DC so will have a chance to really think things through then. This has really been an eye opener for me though, and I have really appreciated all the comments , especially from those who have experienced similar

Gralick, he does suffer from extreme tiredness and can sleep for 24 hours if given the chance. He is at the doctors every few months with various complaints including digestive upsets and colds that last months - the GP chalks this up to health anxiety associated with OCD . I don't think it can all be chalked up to that though.

OP there is OCD and OCPD. The former is...well you know what it is. The sufferer struggles to manage or control the symptoms but ultimately they feel a sense of unease or discomfort because they actually know there is something wrong. They may feel torn about doing exposure work in therapy - it's very challenging, but the motivation comes from recognising that they have a problem. OCPD is a personality disorder. The person with OCPD is much more rigid and fixed in their beliefs and behaviours. They don't have that insight that something is actually wrong with them and their behaviour. They have no unease - they think there is something wrong with other people who don't share their thoughts and behaviours. Which sounds more like your husband to you? And I agree, his behaviour towards you is abusive and not excused by any mental health problem he is experiencing.

Not sure kitty - he knows he has OCD and is being treated for it, but thinks that further treatment won't work. He flips in and out of self awareness, so often says I put up with a lot from him, but then will forget all that when he has an episode like this

"he escalates things to make me react" - This means he provokes a row when he wants one.

When you're in an even moderately balanced relationship with someone - partner, colleague, neighbour, friend or relation - you respect their conflict style as well. Look around any day and you can see an animated, direct and forceful person having a perfectly functional disagreement with a measured, quiet and restrained one. Those disputes are functional because neither person's trying to 'beat' the other - they're disagreeing and looking for a solution. Your H seems to saying disagreements to him are battles, which he insists you fight (and lose, so he feels like a boss.)

It's unlikely he's made it through adulthood without learning to negotiate situations, so his compulsory battle re-enactments are a special treat for you

Very pleased you have a week's break coming up! Sounds like you can use it

Just seen the latest posts - I wondered about OCPD, kitty, but you'd need a lot more information even for an amateur internet 'diagnosis'. It sounds possible.

However, Bear, the continual niggling complaints might be symptoms of nutritional deficiency ... but a GP shouldn't be diagnosing health anxiety without running a battery of tests first. As he does go to the doctor, can you ask him to find out what blood tests he's had, with particular reference to B12 & folate? (Any of the major deficiencies will also show deficiency in one of those.) You can get a copy of your medical records for about £10, the GP has a form for it.

I wouldn't get your hopes up, tbh. But, considering a friend of mine's been diagnosed with tennis elbow when she had fused vertebrae (), it's always worth checking ...!

Ugh how horrible

I lived with someone like this for seven years. He would even stand outside the bathroom to listen to make sure I had washed my hands after going to the loo. He was a control freak too.

He refused to get help and I ended up having a breakdown. Eventually we split up.

It wears you down eventually. Please think of yourself and your children (thankfully I don't have any). It is no good for you or them in the long term. I know it is easier said than done, especially as by the time you realise how bad it is, you are far too brain mashed to think how to get out of it.

How's it going Bears