Shitty things I did during my abusive relationships

[Gralick]

It gets mentioned sometimes when discussing relationships with a serious power imbalance: the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I don't know whether people want to add theirs. I'm going to bed in a minute, but will come back & add some more. I never was one to take things lying down and, almost tragically, didn't quite realise I had the alternative option of walking away for good.

XH2 was a gaslighter. He would do things like go missing for hours at a party, and it'd turn out that one of his women friends had gone missing too. There was always an explanation, I was paranoid & clingy, you get the picture. At a party shortly before we decided to split, I snogged a bloke I didn't know. Real proper snogging - in front of XH, who was pretending to be asleep on the sofa.

I think I understand where you're coming from. I recently did something (terrible!) to get my husband back for something he did (long story). He'll never find out, but just knowing that I'd done something that he wouldn't approve of made me feel better!

Did what you did make you feel better or worse?

Thanks, Laugh :) I don't know, it made me feel even more hopeless about the marriage. It was really weird that neither of us said anything about it. I was shocked at myself; I thought the fact I'd done it must mean I didn't love H enough, but at the same time I thought I'd probably done it to get a reaction - which wasn't forthcoming.

I know what you mean about the secret revenge! I hope it's balanced things out in your own mind. I had a revenge ONS during my first marriage - H figured it out and ended up using it as an excuse for further infidelities, though I'm sure he would have done them anyway. Try as I might, I couldn't regret my one night of cheating.

I once threw a magnum of champagne at XH1. He'd come outside to greet me, coming home from a work do (I'd won the magnum), with a torrent of abuse. The bottle missed him, thank god. It exploded very satisfactorily against the outside wall of our flat.

Hi Gralick, yes, the revenge definitely helped balance things out in my own mind. I can't quite believe I did what I did, but in an odd kind of way I felt it gave me some of my power back, and that gave me strength.

The most important thing is not to feel guilty. The stress of a bad marriage can make you behave badly and do things you wouldn't normally do. That doesn't make it excusable of course, but stress can do terrible things to you, particularly when you are in a bad situation.

Hopefully we will both have good relationships next time and not feel we have to take revenge and do bad things. Good luck, I hope you find happiness in the near future.

Just in case you are wondering, Mumsetters don't like threads about infidelity, that's why I am the only one who has responded to this post.

I'm not surprised you've had so few responses to this post Gralick. It does seem to be the case of MN that very few can accept they have behaved anything but angelically in the throes of a dysfunctional relationship. I applaud your honesty

I cheated on exH quite a few times (before we got married) to 'get my own Jack's for his shitty behaviour. He did deserve it, though I do kind of wish I'd just left him

*own back. Damn you autocorrect!

Heh. Thanks, Binkles and Laugh. I know what you mean!

For me, it's about understanding 'what went wrong' in full. I can see that my upbringing led me to expect relationships to be power struggles - so that's what I got. Part of de/re-conditioning myself is to see how that worked (and didn't!)

We're quick to reassure posters here that they're not "as bad as him" if they've exploded from stress or stuck up for themselves. We're right, too - although I hope more of us will know a bad thing and walk away from it in future, as you say Suzy.

I liked "get your own Jack's"

In my eyes, I behaved terribly to try to make myself feel better. It was terrible because it involved someone else and I hurt them.

I found myself making very good friends with an older man, he was lovely to me but I felt no kind of attraction to him at all. I know he felt more for me, I'd ring him and go to see him and he'd always be a shoulder for me to cry on. I actually considered leaving my abusive ex for him because he was someone who would protect me from the fall out of that break up.

I didn't do it, thankfully for him, I chickened out of leaving my ex on that occasion and ended up cutting all ties with this man and all of the friends I made through him. I hurt him awfully by doing this but I was too scared to continue seeing him.

I did leave my abusive ex, when I was strong enough to do it without having someone else waiting in the wings. I always feel so guilty when I think of what I did though, I've never treated someone as badly as I treated my friend. My abusive ex brought out a very bad side to me.

I was in an abusive relationship through most of my teens, I lived with him and had a baby. He was physically, emotionally, financially, sexually abusive - basically the whole package and I felt totally trapped in the relationship.

I was an utter bitch though. If you took it out of context, I was so manipulative, I'd lie and pick fights and emotionally blackmail. If I wanted to see my friends I knew there was a better chance he'd let me go if he was feeling guilty so I'd goad him into hitting me.

Sometimes I'd hit him back. Sometimes I'd even hit him first. If he was up in my face yelling at me and I knew it was coming sometimes the waiting was worse, if I hit him he'd hit me back and get it over with and he'd get to blame me so he'd be happy.

Does that make me as bad as him? I don't believe it does.

I also eventually cheated on him although I actually don't really feel much guilt about that.

It took me quite a long time after that to work out how to behave in a normal relationship and even now I occasionally catch myself considering how I need to manipulate situations with DH before remembering that actually, I don't.

mandatory your honesty is so refreshing. some abusers target feisty women because its more fun to to wear these women down, yes like you sometimes i struck back when i simply should have walked away.

I occasionally catch myself considering how I need to manipulate situations with DH before remembering that actually, I don't.

Love this! Yes, I often have two replies in my head at the same time. I have to take a split second to check whether I'm in a 'battle' or a normal, empathetic talk. Now I've trained myself to be in 'normal' mode most of the time (I hope I have, anyway), I've lost my previously brilliant sales ability. It's probably worth the sacrifice, given that I couldn't separate it from my personal interactions.

I know what you mean about provoking a fight, too. The simmering tension & mysterious silences/absences would build up like a head of steam ... which was the objective, of course, but I didn't see that until we started the divorce.

Blink, I'm very sorry you hurt your friend. I think there is such a thing as an exit affair (emotional or more), which can help someone to understand there's more to relationships that what we've got at home. Ideally the relationship would be transitional for both parties, and it is very sad if one person's heavily invested in it. You might be surprised, though - if he really is as emotionally mature as you felt, he probably understood perfectly.

I used to encourage his love of bacon and sausage, hoping he'd get cancer or have a heart attack. What an awful thing to think. I was so desperate. Can't believe how happy and well adjusted I am now, 13 months after leaving him.

Shpanish, is it really wrong of me to be laughing at the thought of you going "Have the full English again! More salt?" with evil intent?

I kicked my ex in the bollocks to get him out of my way. He had thrown me off the bed and against the wall after coming in drunk, screamed in my face and wouldn't let me leave the room until I admitted what a horrendous person I was.

I showed him instead.

In retrospect I should have just agreed with him but I think that was the moment I realised I had to get him out. I was more scared by the fact that I felt nothing watching him rolling around and puking on the floor. I was totally unemotional the only thing I said was you can clean your own mess up and I walked out. My emotions had shut down and I was scared that if it happened again I might kill him or at least really hurt him. Even then I was worried about him lol.

I still shut down with DH occasionally if we argue. Just leave the room / house won't speak, he understands and we discuss any issues rationally when I return.

I hit my ex when he was holding me down by my throat snarling what a worthless unlovable cunt I was, who deserved the rape and sexual abuse I went through. I slapped him pretty hard and caught him with the side of my hand on the side of his eye socket, which gave him a very minor black eye. He them went round telling everyone how he had had to put up with my violence and emotional abuse . I regretted doing it so much, because it just put me in the wrong and enabled him to hurt me more and make his narcissistic fantasy more believable to others.

I'm so glad to see this thread, I have tears in my eyes. The relief is indescribable.

Mandatorymongoose, my ex was very much like yours. I remember one time he spat in my face and laughed, saying that was all I was worth. I saw complete fucking red and battered the shit out of him. I nearly tore his ears off, gouged his eyes out, and scratched him so deeply he was pouring blood. I just couldn't stop myself - SO MUCH pent up rage and resentment just bubbled over. Of course, he went into work and played the victim.

I used to fantasise about stabbing him, or about various painful ways he could die. After I eventually cheated on him, following 2 years of constant accusations, he said he wanted to throw himself under a passing car. I told him that was a good idea, that it would solve a lot of problems.

I feel absolutely no remorse.

I cheated on my abusive ex several times and then gaslighted the fuck out of him about it. Don't feel guilty in the slightest about it. I really can't bring myself to give a fuck about that rapist's feelings.

However, the fallout in my next relationship was bad. I ended up with a guy who was self-centered, alcoholic in denial, lazy, passive-aggressive arse. He wasn't abusive, he was just a crap partner. I was carrying around a huge amount of unresolved anger and I would let him have it over really stupid things. Get home from a late shift and find he'd eaten all the bread so I couldn't have toast? Get ready for 20 minutes of shouting. The shower rail in the bathroom fell down again? Totally his fault. If we went out drinking I would sometimes be horribly nasty to him in front of his mates. Also I banged one of his close friends twice. It was a terrible relationship, and it went on for 7 YEARS.

I grabbed his balls once whilst he had his hand around my throat. It was a sort of stand off. If he killed me, I'd rip his nuts off in the process. He once recorded me ranting at him rather drunkenly about his behaviour and how much it made me despise him, which he gleefully kept and threatened to play it to all and sundry. I also grabbed his arm once and squeezed it to show him how much it took to give someone a bruise. I never did give him a bruise tho. Those are three occasions I ever did anything nasty/abusive and I maintain I was driven to it by years of emotional, financial and physical humiliation.

Those of you saying you hit the abuser while he was laying hands on you, I would definitely put that in the category of self defence.

Thank you so m for your post, Paradise

There's psychological self-defence as well, pocketsaviour, which isn't as obvious to others or even to the frantic victim herself. This is what Lundy Bancroft says in his 'Water Torturer' profile, for instance:

"When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, What the hell are you talking about? I've never done anything to you. Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple's interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, I don't know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he's so low-key. Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her."

The profiles are reproduced here, with more info: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Since we managed to run our other relationships without snarling, lashing out and lying, it's a safe bet the relationship was causing this behaviour. That's nothing like as obvious when you're in it, though, and we can beat ourselves up about it for years afterwards. Some people can re-balance themselves quite naturally once the 'war' is finally over. I'm one of those whose entire life had been a war of some sort, so I needed a great deal more self-forgiveness and readjustment after deciding to break these patterns.

It's telling that I completely stopped raging as soon as XH2 announced he was leaving - and that's been ages, but when we were together I 'raged' about three times a week!

I peed in his hair oil when I had the rage when he finally (sort of) admitted to his affair.

I think we all just have different coping mechanisms to deal with the way we are being mistreated until we are in a position to take action to eviscerate the bastard end the relationship. No, it's not nice and I'm not proud of who I became, but I don't feel guilty either. Git.

And I like my Jacks with Coke on the rocks please

I punched XH in the mouth. I'm not proud. It also gave him ammunition for years. 'Yeah, I grabbed you / threw stuff at you / threatened you with a hammer / stole your money, but it's not as bad as a punch!'

We used to share a PC and both played the same game. When he went on one of his benders I'd play it until I'd eradicated his name from the high scores. It helped me cope in a small way.

I'm in an unhappy but non-abusive marriage at the moment and haven't ever felt the urge to be violent or engage in mind games. Thank fuck.

I lied and lied. To protect me and to protect my kids. I hurt my parents to prevent them from knowing the worst. I once threw a wine glass (after a whole day's provocation) which nearly hit dd2. I stole. Worst of all - once or twice I lied and said that the dcs had done something as by this time he was less likely to physically hurt the older ones whereas the physical and sexual abuse was increasing for me.

He travels a lot and when there was an accident on a motorway he was using I used to pray it was him. I used to plan what I'd say when the police came to the door to inform me of his death. I used to plan what I'd wear to his funeral. I used to school my features and thoughts because I was afraid I'd laugh for joy.

I'm not proud of the things I did. But I'm bloody proud of me for being here and for still having faith in humanity enough to be embarking very tentatively on a new relationship with someone else.