Shitty things I did during my abusive relationships

[Gralick]

It gets mentioned sometimes when discussing relationships with a serious power imbalance: the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I don't know whether people want to add theirs. I'm going to bed in a minute, but will come back & add some more. I never was one to take things lying down and, almost tragically, didn't quite realise I had the alternative option of walking away for good.

XH2 was a gaslighter. He would do things like go missing for hours at a party, and it'd turn out that one of his women friends had gone missing too. There was always an explanation, I was paranoid & clingy, you get the picture. At a party shortly before we decided to split, I snogged a bloke I didn't know. Real proper snogging - in front of XH, who was pretending to be asleep on the sofa.

Oh, Leclerc Wishing you well in your new relationship - and in everything, actually!

Oh, too painful. The verbal abuse I gave my ex h was horrific. I told him he was worthless, useless, a total mistake. I was reacting to his alcoholism and drug use and inability to put me and the children first (or second/third etc), we were both so powerless in the face of it, but I am so, so ashamed of what I said to the father of my children

I've just discovered Saint Lundy has a blog!

Mustn't stay up all nigh reading it ... Here are two appropriate posts:

Who is the controlling one?

Am I the abusive one?

:)

This is a painful thread and it is hard to admit to behaviour I am deeply ashamed of including an affair and some very cold harsh treatment of the EA ex. But like Tis who I knew well on the EA thread I am now very happy with a kind and loving man and can't believe my luck! Different people bring out different tunes in us

I still have lots of anger nearly 3 years after my ex moved out. We had a volatile relationship for years. A lot of it on reflection was petty, but over the years he knocked my confidence, made me feel like I was worthless and that no one liked me. When we sat down together watching tv he'd put me down, call me names and cause arguments for no reason. I had to stop going supermarket shopping with him, as he called me fat if I put anything in the trolly he didn't want, and he used to take stuff out of it that I put in.

He went out prractically every weekend with his mates, went on weekends away with them and if he did anything with me he'd start an argument because he didn't want to go or wanted to go home. I became jealous and paranoid so we were pretty volatile.

Worst bit was he said to me I hope you've got cancer, when I was waiting to be diagnoised. When I was having chemo he did the I'm bored lets start an argument thing while we were watching tv. He threw a sweet wrapper at me, so I threw it back and he punched me in the head for no reason. He never said sorry and would just leave me sobbing in bed. He spend hours on his phone texting and made me paranoid he was seeing someone else, he took great delight in winding me up and telling me who he fancied at work.

I became severely depressed after chemo, our DD was just over 1 year old and I went to seek advice from the local women's aid. They told me I had a duty of care to our DD, he moved out but didn't tell me until the day he did it. I couldn't cope with that and the cancer shit, so let him come and go for a year.... While he was coming and going I borrowed his car one day, came back and he told me he was going on holiday. He bogged off to America for 2 weeks, didn't ring to speak to DD so I lost it, and went through his car looking for clues as to where he might be as I didn't find out where he'd been until he came back. He then stopped contact with me then several months later I found he had a GF and she moved in with him.

At christmas he started texting me this was 15 months after he'd been to America. I played along with it and started sleeping with him (he still has his GF). At this point I still knew nothing about his GF, who she was, how old ect as he wouldn't tell me.

I was paranoid she was younger ect, this knocked my confidence again..

A few weeks ago he came round drunk and fell asleep, and I saw a message from his GF on his phone. After a Google search I found out who she is. And realised he was seeing her the whole time he was coming home, and he'd been to America with her on holiday.

So I've finally snapped. I've messaged her and told her everything, even sent her photos. He's gone mental threating all sorts, he hates me ect says he won't pay maintenance and doesn't understand why I'm ruining his life? I didn't want to sleep with him in the first place, all my morals went out of the window, and I don't know why I did. (Well I do, I stupidly still love him, but I could never get back with him as I don't trust him).

But after all of this, the only good thing that's come out of it is I realise I deserve better. My confidence was low, and know I've found out who the GF is, I'm laughing at myself as she's my age (I thought she was younger), not what I'd call particularly attractive although she has a very well paid job and I'm thinking that along with her being foreign might be the appeal. (He's always said he wanted to move abroad).

I know I've hurt his GF, which I'm not proud of but I have so much anger for this man I've literally seen red. And I'm hoping she stays with him to at least make his life hell as she'll never be able to trust him.

I'm not proud of my actions, but it does feel good to finally realise what a total selfish wanker he is

I don't think you've done the wrong thing by telling another woman what he's like, pass. And, as you say, you're starting to get your self-respect back!

XH2 and I were still having sex while we were separated but living together. I'm ashamed to say I didn't tell anybody because it would get back to his new partner, and I wanted him off my hands I think you did the better thing.

Maybe shitty and not proud of it BUT I don't regret it and if ever I was in the situation again I would do the same.
My ex was abusive in all ways, didn't understand the word no and tried to keep us prisoners in my home.

When my DS was about 14 months old he hit him, he hit him so hard that the bruise was there in the shape of a hand print for weeks.

I waited until ex had gone to sleep and woke him up with a knife to his throat and in a real calm way told him if he touched my baby again I would kill him!

He didn't touch DS again but his abuse of me escalated.

I was and still am a very independent woman but he robbed my self-respect and self-esteem.

I'd never threatened anyone before or after and just wish I'd been in a position to stick up and protect myself like I did my DS but I didn't... but do now :)

Tutt just

Thanks Gralick are things ok with you now? I just wish I could get the bastard out of my head. He's a selfish pig, only cares about himself and I really want to hate him. I've given him lots of abuse this week, basically laughing at the situation he's put himself in. He told me he hates me ect, doesn't want to get back with me, yet I've stupidly asked him earlier today if he's ok. I'm such an idiot!

tutt - glad you managed to LTB!

I still struggle to acknowledge that my ex was emotionally abusive but he was. He never hit me or physically assaulted me but I hit him. I attacked him one night and slapped and punched him all over. I ended up with bruises on my upper arms where he held them to make me stop. I also punched him in the face once. Both times I was drunk. Awful, horrible. I know I'm not an abusive person but I know I was abusive to him. He used it to - 'are you going to hit me again, at least I didn't hit you' but fair enough really.

Laughing at the situation he's put himself in sounds very affirming, pass! Keep detaching, you'll get there in the end. I just think my exes - all of the men, the ex-best-friend and the ex boss - are wazzocks. There's so much wrong in their heads, I'm horrified that I thought this was normal and thought I could help them!

Can't say I'm fully "over" any of it, but it's my choice to keep working on my own shit. Had circumstances turned out differently, I might well have found a decent & functional relationship a few years after XH2. Poor health and finances landed me in a restrictive situation, so I'm making the most of it psychologically.

Earlier this week, I realised why I married two chronically unfaithful men. My mother feels that every man will cheat given the chance. Her husband made her believe that: it formed part of his comprehensive abuse, keeping her insecure. Because she came to believe it as a fact of nature, and she is my mother, I absorbed this belief. So the XHs will have picked this up from various things I said and did. My second-hand mistrust effectively sounded like permission to them, and I unwittingly ensured my fears would come true.

Ehric, it's horrible that he pushed you so very far. He must have been a real headworker :( Forgive yourself, please - you know you'll never do it again!

self defence is justified. but i think this thread should also be about the boundaries we ourselves crossed. i did punch him once after he revealed he had set up a spycam in my home. i was more annoyed that he was encroaching on the privacy of my housemates and took great delight in telling me what they got up to.

he had set up a spycam in my home

I think each of us is aware of boundaries we've crossed. If anyone wants clarification or discussion, they've only to ask.

It's important to recognise that dysfunctional interactions change the boundaries. Some things are more reasonable in some circumstances than others. I stuck my thumbs in XH1's eye sockets once. He was strangling me and I'd heard my own breath rattling. I'm actually proud of this - I remembered an effective self-defence technique, used it, and restrained myself from blinding him. Obviously I wouldn't be proud if I'd done something that risky to shut him up during one of his vicious rants - but I did hit him or throw things at him a few times. I'm not proud of those instances (and am bloody glad the magnum missed him, though my taxi driver was awestruck) but I find my violence utterly forgiveable. It took me far longer to forgive my self-damaging choices to stay in those relationships, and the friends who exhorted me to.

My H and I once had a terrible argument in the middle of the night. He pulled the duvet off me and kicked me so I picked up the glass from my bedside table and smashed it in his face. Luckily I missed his eye but it did leave a very nasty cut on his cheek.

You are all talking about your ex's but I am still married to my husband.
It makes me so sad.

I often wonder if my background is to blame for some of the wrong choices I have made in life. I come from a dysfunctional family and went on to marry a dysfunctional man. If I had my time again I wouldn't have married him.

I've also had an affair and I'm actively looking to have another one because I hate the fucking bastard!

When we split up my ex accused me of being abusive towards him -giving him filthy looks for no reason, snapping at him, ignoring him for days, not telling him when I was coming and going and dumping the children on him

I probably wasn't the nicest person to live with but I was exhausted, burying myself in my work and just stopped pandering to his every whim

I said to my ex, If he called me a cunt again I would hit him. Not long after, he called me a cunt and I slapped him. He put me to the floor and screamed in my face "If you hit me again I kill you!" I never hit him again and he kept calling me a cunt.

I done other shitty things...but nothing compares to what he has done and really all my behaviour was a reaction to what he had done to me. So I have no regrets at all about things I have done to him.

ALaughAMinute, you really should just leave. Your be so much happier believe me.

Rebeccca,

I plan to leave after my children have finished their education.

I always always have evened the score

?I have also found that, given enough rope he will hang himself ?

18years that resonates.

I was with my ex from being 16 we moved in together at 25. Looking back there were big red flags, he could be very cruel.

We agreed thAt my wage would pay all bills and that his would pay for shopping / socialising, but by the end of the month I increasingly found myself paying for those things, he was going out drinking with his tarts while I was working 12 hour shifts to bring in more money.

He did decreasing amounts of housework. Kept telling me I was mad if I questioned where the money had gone.

I was working 70+ hrs a week and would walk in the house to find him Sat with his feet up asking what was for dinner. When I asked him to help out more I was having a go at him. I tried to explain that we both needed to contribute equally, my contribution was earning money putting hours in outside of the home, he could at least put some hours in inside the home. That was putting him down apparently and making him feel small because he didn't earn as much as me .

We'd go out on a weekend and he would get absolutely slaughtered. When we got home he'd tell me all of the things I'd said thAt had upset various people. It got to a point where I wouldn't dare speak to people while he'd be the life and sole, such a great guy. I'm sure people we would wonder what he was doing with me but they didn't know what it was like when we got home. He'd corner me in a room and shout at me, horrible things. I was exhausted so stopped going isolating me even more.

Things got violent the day I walked in after 10 Straight 12hrs shifts. It was a hot day, he was sat, feet up, cold can of lager, surrounded by mess, dust, washing up etc. As soon as I walked in he started, this place is a shit hole, there's no food in the fridge, what's for dinner. I stood there taking it all in and thought fuck this, turned a round and walked back out.

When I went back he screamed at me accused me of cheating, he hadn't eaten because he was skint,, he had to put up living with a slut, slag, whore in a shit hole. Then he threw me against a wall. He denied remembering the next day, blamed the drink, said he couldn't have done that, I was mad, I shouldn't wind him up.

This went on and the mind games/violence intensified over the next 6 months until the incident I described a few posts above happened.

Then I detached completely. It took a few more weeks but thanks be to God one of his tarts got serious and he moved out. I think he thought he could come back any time, the day after he moved out he came to pick some more things up and asked to borrow the car. I very calmly informed him he was no longer insured to drive it (he had never bought, taxed, insured a car or paid for petrol yet used it more than me, I walked to work while he drove my car). He went pale and then bright red, stormed around the house screaming about how I hadn't wasted anytime. That I had planned this all along. Watching him storm off down the street dropping things I felt this almighty lightness. The dramatics didn't end there but that's another thread and I've already hijacked this one enough.

Wow that was long, sorry, didn't mean for all that to come out but I haven't really spoken about what happened to anyone, cos he was such a great guy don'tchaknow.

I am so glad to have found in this thread. My exh was a abusive and I left. (After 7 years)
My new partner started to become aggressive toward me, trying to intimate me, using the fact he is bigger and stronger to make me back down. Only this time I lashed out and punched him. I think I was reacting to how my husband would treat me, preempting the violence.
Now he is saying I am an abuser after all I punched him, he didn't hit me. He doesn't see how pushing, dragging, squeezing me is abusive. No I am the violent one because I hit him.
I am untangling myself from this relatinonship too but it is hard and I find myself wondering if maybe it is me.
He said I deserved what my husband did to me.

oh MrsDiesel

It's not you, how a partner reacts to your reactions tells you everything you need to know.

The first time DH and I had an argument he went to take my arm, in a come here and give me a cuddle way. I ended up curled up in a ball on the floor crying and shaking, he was mortified.

My ex never hit me either. Doesn't mean what he did couldn't have killed me.

You Need to get out sweetheart.

Without being controversial , whilst reading this thread a llot of the posts fall into self defence, however the multiple cheating ones, ive wonder if at that time you attracted the se men because you were in a similar mental/ethical level at the time and have since grown up?.