Shitty things I did during my abusive relationships

[Gralick]

It gets mentioned sometimes when discussing relationships with a serious power imbalance: the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I don't know whether people want to add theirs. I'm going to bed in a minute, but will come back & add some more. I never was one to take things lying down and, almost tragically, didn't quite realise I had the alternative option of walking away for good.

XH2 was a gaslighter. He would do things like go missing for hours at a party, and it'd turn out that one of his women friends had gone missing too. There was always an explanation, I was paranoid & clingy, you get the picture. At a party shortly before we decided to split, I snogged a bloke I didn't know. Real proper snogging - in front of XH, who was pretending to be asleep on the sofa.

Still with my water torturer. Finding some solace in this thread, that despite the shame and self hatred of what I've become, that there are people here who understand.
My abusive retaliations have ranged from the ridiculous (fed up of his post binge drink bed wetting, I got up in the night and pee'd in his workboots. He never said a word, but seeing the reflection I his puzzled face in the mirror was priceless) to my rage on Sunday. Arguing with him while he was lieing in the spare bed, him refusing to get up to go on a planned outing as he was tired (hungover). Stormed downstairs and tipped every drop of alcohol down the sink. Except half a bottle of wine, which I took back upstairs and sprayed all over him. Then the red mist came and I lobbed the bottle against the wall over his head.
I also had a short affair, not for revenge, but just because I wanted someone to be kind to me. I ended it, after it moved from emotional to sexual, and was totally honest about it all to my partner. I wanted him to have the choice of leaving me, or both of us working on the relationship. He stayed but nothing has changed.

cherry, give it up, love

the relief when you simply stop trying will be immense

I agree. No relationship can work when only one person is working on it

Thanks for the flowers. The day is coming, but I'm teetering on the see saw of is it me or him? His quiet subtle emotional abuse versus my mad rages? I can honestly say I have no anger issues with anyone else, past or present, but then everyone who knows him says how nice and placid he is. Unfortunately my behaviour has spilled out in public.
I'm good friends with his ex, she said he was just so infuriating, wouldn't discuss anything, or even really row with her. One day she got so aggravated by him that she went in the kitchen and started smashing plates and flinging saucepans around. He walked in, calmly handed over a hammer and told her to do it properly, and then walked out again.

yep, water torturer

two women (you and his ex) who say the exact same thing about what he is like behind closed doors (not the cheery public persona he chooses to project) cannot be wrong

Actually, does it matter if it's you, him or the dynamics between you? It's shit, whatever, and no life.

what an interesting read, thanks for starting the thread, Gralick.

I was in a relationship with a Water Torturer. The really bad thing about them is that they are so subtle, to the point of me thinking I am mad, and I am the abuser.

Of course, I know I am not.

I have also lashed out physically at him.

One time was when we were getting ready for a flight. We would have to leave the house in approx 4 hours. DS was only around 1 at the time. I asked ex to put DS down for his nap (the only thing I asked of him as they were both upstairs) as he was tired and it was time. This would also help with me getting our packing finished, and would also mean DS wouldn't be grumpy on the flight.

In the meantime, the cat brought in a half-dead pigeon. Its head was hanging off but it wouldn't die. I spoke to ex about it, he didn't seem arsed. He said just leave it.

I packed the rest of my stuff and I went and had a shower, hoping the pigeon would have died, and DS would be having his nap when I finished.

When I finished I saw the pigeon still alive, and DS still awake and crying with tiredness. Ex was doing nothing in particular, I think he was sorting out his shoes (not packing). I asked him why DS wasn't asleep and he replied with something non committal.

Anyway long story short, I had to kill the pigeon with a hammer and DS didn't get his nap. I was really shaken up by the killing of pigeon, and I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. Ex just said I was daft to not have left it (to die a slow and painful death / to decompose in our space) - I got no words of comfort, no touch of hand to say "its okay you did the right thing" or "are you okay"

I had just about got over that, and had finished packing everything. DS was in the pram, bags were on my back, keys in hand, front door open.

At this point ex decided that now would be a good time for a shower.

I lost it. I pushed him into the bathroom, and hit and hit and hit. They were feeble hits, pathetic hits. But I was just so angry and just so fed up of his shit. He would often do that - wait until the last minute before something really important, and then faff about and do something to make me fret, to make us late. Then he would say I was being unreasonable because I reacted to it.

I cried for the entire flight. Told him I hated his guts. And I really did / do.

BREATHE.

I don't know if it even sounds that bad. Its just a tiny snippet of what life was like. But writing it all out has been a release. And I am so glad I don't have to put up with that anymore!

Oh, and thanks for the Lundy links - great reading.

View I actually got a bit of a stomach churn reading your post, I could feel your frustration coming out of your words.
I'm a bit wobbly today, a good friend of mine died on Sunday, cancer, he'd been ill for some time. He was best man at my wedding, so bringing up memories of happier times. It just sunk in today that I'll never see him again.
When I told DP on Monday, he just shrugged it off , this morning I just started crying in bed, he couldn't seem to work out why I was sad. Partly because he can't fathom what my life is, what I do, when it's not in direct relation to him. So he doesn't get that I have friends that mean a lot to me, because I don't see him when he's about.
Anyway, after 4 weeks of me letting everything go over my head as the arguments had got too much for me, I kicked off about his coldness. And then asked why it wouldn't occur to him to have hugged and comforted me. He said "why would I want to cuddle you when you've just been shouting at me"?
Which is a fair point, but when I asked why he hadn't done it since Sunday, or why no affection for a few weeks, he just said it hadn't happened.
It seems I only get attention when we're rowing.

I'd like to share something else on here.
Since an early age I've gone through many bereavements, starting with my mum when I was ten, one of my brothers when I was fourteen, my two best friends died of cancer when I was nursing my husband through his cancer. Recently another good friend emigrated, and another turned against me (long story). Another friend drank himself to death last September, then the one on Sunday.
I have found it increasingly hard to make friends, I know I put up barriers.
I had my assessment last week with Mind. When asked why I was with OH it was a real light bulb moment..... It's safe. If he doesn't emotionally support me, what have I got to lose?

This may out me. I've done so many bad things I've been labelled a narcissist by my family. Maybe I am.

My ex was violent and abusive, I was 16 when we met, had my son at 18. He beat me, strangled me, abused me and the mind games and emotional mind games were horrific. He then broke my sons arm, leg and fractured his skull, he was 3 months old. I never raised my hand to him, I never did anything back.

However my next relationship, although it wasn't physically abusive was just as bad. He was lazy, loud, angry, a gangster wannabe and a stereotypical bully. He took my money, lied and eventually got us evicted and made me and the boys homeless, the first I knew he hadn't paid rent was when they turned up to evict us. In one morning, I lost everything, I had to have my dog PTS because I couldn't rehome him (33 rescues I rang, not one would take him) we were given 20 mins to pack a bag so I ran upstairs and packed the kids favourite toys while he packed his stuff. That said it was to me. He then told me he 'loved me' and I completely lost it and hit beat 10 bales of shit out of him until I made him cry.

I picked myself up an carried on and it still took me a few months to get the balls to leave, and 48 hours later I was in bed with someone else. Did I cry when we split up? not a tear. Do I regret it, no I fucking don't. I'm nasty, I can scrap, I can be vile when I'm drunk, I don't feel guilt, remorse or empathy, I don't form emotional attachments to anything or anyone.
Am I a narc? I think I'm just damaged.

I was horrible to my ex too. And I did hit him, more than once. And I am ashamed to say that still now I wish I was stronger and my weak, loud, tearful attempts to hurt him would have actually worked. the smirk in his face holding my fists it's the only regret I actually feel

CherryTree - I am so sorry to hear about all the heartbreak and loss you have been through. It doesn't bear thinking about - the pain you must have gone through in your life. I never quite know what to say to people who are grieving, but I wanted to know I am thinking of you

I would urge you to leave this abusive relationship, however. How utterly awful that he will not comfort you. What a complete and utter fucking bastard. God, its made me so fucking angry to read your post.

"why would I want to cuddle you when you've just been shouting at me"?

Using my other username for this.

A lot of these posts have made me well up with tears. Especially your's Echo.

I finished with my (extremely) physically/emotionally/sexually abusive ex of 9 years as soon as he got sent to prison. He went white with shock and couldn't comprehend what I was saying. I had to repeat myself 3 times. He cried, I cried. He didn't realise mine were tears of relief. And guilt, for some bizarre reason.

I used to wish he'd die in a car crash on the way home, like a poster upthread.

to all of you who've been through this shit. And [power] to those of you who are still going through it.

Still catching up :)
Thank you for the posts - they really highlight how this crap works, and the utterly weird processes our abusers variously went through for the sake of showing us our 'place'.
I thought both my exes needed more obedient partners and was surprised when they married women of strong character - maybe not as upfront as me, from what I can gather, but certainly independent. Now I think I have a better picture: it's a power game, and games are no fun with weak opponents.
What a horribly sick approach to relationships.

View, your holiday story's upsetting to read. Cruelty to you, your child and a pigeon all at once :( I can imagine how trapped you felt at that moment - and a lightweight battering's the least he deserved! I think that sometimes the flailing's more metaphorical than intended to hurt physically: it's an archetypal response to being cornered.

I had my assessment last week with Mind. When asked why I was with OH it was a real light bulb moment..... It's safe. If he doesn't emotionally support me, what have I got to lose?

Oh, Cherry, my love
There's a thousand things I want to write here, but I'll stick with two. I'm very sorry for your losses - truly sorry; it doesn't get any easier to live through the ends of affirming relationships - and: Is it better to own a piece of worthless crap or to borrow lovely things throughout your life?

I'm so pleased you're getting support! I hope you can 'borrow' enough strength from Mind to get yourself into a happier & safer life.

Am I a narc? - Doesn't sound like it, echo. It sounds more like you're terrified of emotional vulnerability, so avoiding attachments. It's not remotely surprising but I hope you (and all of us) will eventually learn to love & trust ourselves properly, because this is where emotional resilience starts.
And, yeah, I'm pleased to know I can fight It proves I did love & stand up for myself, underneath all the other stuff!

I know where you're coming from, though. I was so convinced by those around me that it was all my fault, I've actually been formally diagnosed (twice!) as NOT having a personality disorder!!

I once tried to strangle my dh.
He had been such an endless arse. I was exhausted with 2nd baby in 15 mths and working from home
He was an endlessly lazy, goady toad.
He said something about my being useless and without a beat I had my hands wrapped around his throat

I spent many many months in therapy over that

IRL I'm not even shouty

This is a really excellent thread. My first abusive relationship I cheated. And in my second and fourth. Had a breakdown in my fifth which I have recently left and was because he told me I was abusing him and deserved the way I was treated.

Mainly I squash my feelings down and turn them inward and I wish I felt able to turn them outward as I supsect not having done so I am just stuck in this repeating cycle.

I have never been with anyone who hasn't abused me in some way and that makes me feel very sad.

I think, although I'm not meaning to support some of the defensive behaviours as good I think they are certainly productive and I think in a lot of cases a necessary part of getting abuse out of your life eventually.

After 1st one left I used to dream about stabbing him and wake up completely disturbed and shaking. I'm so afraid to let out my anger/disappointment in relationships now because of that and because of how I felt/what I did when my dad beat me as a child.

That's my real problem I think. I fought and kicked and bit and scratched my dad when he beat me and I've been afraid of myself ever since.

Even got this tattoo. It's a metal heart (lots of people ask). I feel quite weak in comparison to a lot of the demonstrations of strength on this thread. Though I was pleased that the very first time my xp got physical I called the police and got him out - which is strong.

Wow, it's an actual heart in mechanical form! I rarely admire tattoos, Offred, but that's wonderful work.

You are strong. And a mechanical heart of such exquisite construction can surely beat as true as any other :)

I was an abuser.
For years and years and years.
I was so lucky that my kind gentle husband would stay with someone who could be as nasty as me.
I spent years and thousands of pounds in therapy trying to be a better person who didn't get so angry.

I almost died 16 months ago giving birth to our second daughter. All i heard afterwards was how difficult it had been dealing with dd1.

Three months later i finally started to realise that it wasn't me but I still ranted, still cried, called him names. ANYTHING to get a response.

He finally moved out 5 weeks ago when I realised that he took my reasonable annoyance over things, encouraged me to get angrier and angrier (eg by refusing to engage) and then used that anger to punish me again.

I was never going to get anywhere. I was NOT the abuser. I WAS NEVER the abuser.

I spent years telling myself that I was.
Although I get where this op is coming from it's really upset me (no one's fault)

:( I'm upset too, ninety! For me it's the acknowledgement of so many years lost in desperate efforts to be a better person, a kinder wife & friend, a more reliable employee: to fix the deadly flaws that undermined my chance of true happiness and caused my relationships to end.

I was right about the fatal flaws, but completely wrong about what they were. This fact is so painful to contemplate, I can only do it in bite-sized pieces. It is some comfort that the contemplation leads me closer to the truth, and to living more authentically. But it can't bring back the decades of my life.

Don't get me wrong; there was a great deal of joy, excitement and love of some kinds in those decades. My memories feel detached, though, perhaps in a similar way to those of addicts in recovery (the processes are shockingly similar.) Had I but known it, I was permanently traumatised. I was only half in my own life. It's hard to face.

What you did five weeks ago was strong, brave and life-affirming. Congratulations! Good luck, too - I wish you a peaceful aftermath.

Sorry, I should have clarified ^^ I am the OP. Don't want to be gaslighting anyone on this, of all threads!