Shitty things I did during my abusive relationships

[Gralick]

It gets mentioned sometimes when discussing relationships with a serious power imbalance: the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I don't know whether people want to add theirs. I'm going to bed in a minute, but will come back & add some more. I never was one to take things lying down and, almost tragically, didn't quite realise I had the alternative option of walking away for good.

XH2 was a gaslighter. He would do things like go missing for hours at a party, and it'd turn out that one of his women friends had gone missing too. There was always an explanation, I was paranoid & clingy, you get the picture. At a party shortly before we decided to split, I snogged a bloke I didn't know. Real proper snogging - in front of XH, who was pretending to be asleep on the sofa.

Most of the conversations I had with XP consisted of him 'proving' that he was right about something or contradicting me for the sake of it (including on subjects that he knew literally nothing about but I did - he absolutely had to right at all times, you all know the drill). Occasionally though, it would be a normal conversation but I would pre-empt a disagreement and snap at him over nothing. Of course, he would use this as ammunition against me, to say that I was an unreasonable bitch and he was always the reasonable one.
Sometimes he got me so muddled and frustrated that I would punch him, only on the arm or leg, but as hard as I could.
I also pretty much ignored, and subsequently lost contact with, almost all of my friends because he isolated me from them and I didn't try to fight for their friendship.

On a separate note, the PP who kicked her ex in the bollocks because he was drunk and screaming at you, I do not see that as a shitty thing to do. That was legitimate self defence, and you should be proud that you found the courage to do it!

I tried to break up with my violent ex but he wouldn't accept it. He just continued to act like a couple and I was exhausted. I began hitting him back.
I made a plan, to cheat on him and get caught, knowing that he would feel humiliated and leave. I carried out the plan with a friend of his, at a party full of people we knew.
In the rows that followed, I delibrately goaded him into coming to see me (I was at a social event) and pushed all his buttons. He grabbed me, pinned me against a wall and hit me. Our friends intervened and it stopped them all from falling for his "isit is a bitch who cheated on me routine."
I did it so I could leave and not be questioned on if it was the right choice.

I was so calculated and manipulative that I scared myself, I didn't know I was capable of that. Once I began to recover from the relationship, I felt so guilty. When I told DH about this, he told me not to - that's not me, that was a person in self-protection mode, doing whatever was necessary to survive/escape.

mrsDiesel as pp have said, it's him, not you. And no one deserves what your ex did. I really hope you get out soon.

When me and DH had our first argument, we were in the car, he was driving, and he shouted at me (I was already shouting). I hit his arm, demanded he stop the car and got out. I couldn't breathe and was crying. He looked passed the anger and asked me, very gently, what I was afraid of. I told him I couldn't face a fight, and if he was going to hit me I didn't want to cause a crash. He was horrified. I could tell by his face that hitting me wasn't even on his radar, and he felt guilty. He didn't raise his voice for a very long time.
That is the correct response.

Thank you fluffy

Choo - No, that's far too much of a simplification. If only it were straightforward! In every story so far, the poster was the victim. The whole point of relationship abuse is to alter the victim - usually from an independent, articulate adult to a quietly obedient servant. It works. But the independent person's still inside the target, rebelling.

I was pre-conditioned by my parents but not every victim is: plenty come from happy, balanced families. What you call 'growing up' is the 10+ years of therapy I've put into overcoming my upbringing, not the relationships I had as an adult; they were symptoms. However grown up you are, there's an abuser who can break you and it's sheer bad luck if you meet them.

If I put for every post that makes me want to, this thread would look like an Interflora advert! Laugh, please double-check what alternatives you have to letting your children finish their education in such a harmful atmosphere.

When I told DH about this, he told me not to - that's not me, that was a person in self-protection mode, doing whatever was necessary to survive/escape.

YY :) Wise DH!

The definition of victim Isnt always that straightforward though is it, that was my point where does co dependency start/dysfunction end and abuse start.

I'm very ashamed at how badly I treated my ex on account of him treating me badly, if you see what I mean.
I lied, I cheated, I got drunk and once called him a fat ugly loser. in front of my children.
I am deeply ashamed of the way I behaved.

That's a huge question, Choo. Try starting here for your answers: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/abuse_victims.html I'm not sure if you're trying to push survivors on this thread towards self-blame. Please don't, we've heard it all before. You can easily inform yourself on the issue.

I'm not ashamed and under the circumstances I don't believe it was shitty.

I stabbed exh in the arm with a dart. It was in self defence though. He had me by the throat against a wall, I had 8 months old ds2 in my arms and had to get him off me - the dartboard was hanging on the same wall.

Fed up of being put down by his comments, once I no longer cared what he would do to me, I told him a few home truths - he had a small dick and was crap and selfish in bed. Cruel? maybe, but deserved.

When I finally left him I very quickly had a ONS with someone I knew from work, knowing it would get back to exH and letting him know that No! the lack of sex between us wasn't because of ME or my depression and that YES I actually did still have a libido just not for him. I'm shocked he didn't work it out earlier tbh but then he thought he wasn't in any way abusive.

I told him a few home truths

You've just made me realise something about the both-ways verbal abuse in my relationships, Carbe.

The stuff that was screamed, roared, snarled and hissed at me was 90% untrue. That's why it screwed with my head so badly: this person, who knew me very well, was getting emotional about characteristics I didn't recognise in myself. Was it true? Was I frighteningly out of touch with myself. And, if it wasn't true, why was he yelling it at me? (I know that answer now.)

The stuff I screamed, yelled, sobbed and whimpered was defensive: "No, I don't!" and assertive: "What makes you think that?" Or it was 100% true: "When you do X, I feel Y;" or "You said you wouldn't" and "Jane saw you at Z with Lucy." But they reacted as though I was doing the same as them - making stuff up - so I eventually came to believe I was verbally abusive, and couldn't tell any more what was real.

Lol, i have plenty experience of DV both childhood and as an adult, i dont need to 'educate' myself im simply proposing a different angle which may involve looking at things differently, my view is simply different not invalid.

ive wonder if at that time you attracted the se men because you were in a similar mental/ethical level at the time and have since grown up?.

Yes, this is invalid. You implied that DV targets are mentally and ethically immature. That's garbage.

Wrt the specific scenario you asked about - serial cheaters - I can answer for myself and for one other type of victim. My parents taught me that all men cheat. This assumption will have been evident in things I said, so my partners would have identified me as potentially tolerant. I've known other women with the opposite assumption that their partners are faithful, who were blind to the truth because they weren't looking for it.
Neither case indicates stupidity or immaturity.

I was referring specifically to the serial adulterers ..adultery is very abusive due to the physical risks the line between abuser/abused becomes murky

You have missed the point of the thread. Also, I'm mystified about the physical risks of 'adultery' but please don't explain. I feel you're pushing an agenda.

I've been in two abusive relationships.
In the first he beat me in the street and held me down in the road so we would be killed.
He once beat me across my back and legs with a big piece of wood.
One day he was screaming abuse at me and I punched him in the face. The first time I had ever been violent with anyone. He hurt me badly after but it was fucking worth it.
I was 14. He was 18.

My second abusive relationship was with dds father. His abuse was different to the First man. He would smash things up at first. Punch holes in walls. Smash tellys ect.
Eventually it escalated into violence. I tried to leave him but he wouldn't allow it. I thought I was hiding it quite well from dd till one day he went mad and she was terrified.
I calmed her down and put her to bed and then for the second and last time in my life I was violent. I attacked him, punched, slapped, scratched and kicked. I have never been so angry. I'm 5ft he's 6ft yet I dragged him out the door and kicked him out. I told him I he ever scared dd again i would kill him.
I'm now 23 and have decided that I will not risk a relationship again. I cant do it.
Do I feel guilty about my two incidents of violence? Do I fuck.

When my ex had me pinned against the wall with his hands around my throat, I kneed him in the bollocks and spat in his face as he descended. Packed a case, left that night. Valentines Day 1999

I can totally understand the violence and manipulation game playing etc, and not feeling guilty ive been there Myself like I said, but adultery obviously carrys the risk of sometimes serious stis , on a board where lots of women are seeking support and sometimes gum checks due finding out theyve been cheated on, this side of the thread is a bit inappropriate and a bit sick, i know its not intentional on the posters behalf but still perhaps not the best choice of board? However i may be alone in sentiment but its not invalid or garbage although you're responses to my posts are ironically proving my point.

Thank you both for the kind words. I am ending things, he has moved out but he usually worms his way back in. My sister is staying for a couple of weeks though which will help.

Well, I can't speak for everyone Choo but I used condoms I think you're proving your point all by yourself.

Sorry , but this thread is riddled with people trying to justify being downright awful to their partners. Half of these cases , by the definitions often wheeled out on MN and similar sources , are simply abuse in their own right. I am not doubting that people have probably been treated in a shit way which may have led to some of the cases - and some of the partners sound truly awful , but if there was another thread called "things I did to my stupid crazy ex" listing half of these things , there would be outrage and rightly so.

Since you don't seem to have read the OP, entre, I'll paste some of it for you:-

the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I can't see how you're disagreeing with it.

I dont quite get your point either entre
I'm also puzzled that you feel you need to apologise for making it

I don't think anyone's trying to justify it to be honest, nor should they.

Hurting someone physically, cheating on them, throwing things, name calling etc. we all know it's abusive and shitty behaviour - given we've generally been on the other side of it for months or years we're probably well placed to judge.

There's a difference though in the dynamic of an abusive relationship, even though in my relationship I might have behaved in an abusive way (in your opinion) I never had any power. I never had any control. I fought for tiny little bits of a life. My ex's abusive behaviour on the other hand was all about power over me, what I did, said, saw, spent, ate, drank, smoked, my availability for services.

That was the difference. That's what made it abusive, the power. That's why he's an abuser and I'm not, even though I behaved in a way that was utterly abysmal.

Good point well made, Mandatory.