Shitty things I did during my abusive relationships

[Gralick]

It gets mentioned sometimes when discussing relationships with a serious power imbalance: the 'target' partner tries to assert themselves, or defend themselves, in a not-too-brilliant way. Taken out of context, this defensive behaviour is abusive and, if we want to be massively clear-cut about things, is abusive anyway. Counter-abuse, if you will. Far from ideal, but very human.

I don't know whether people want to add theirs. I'm going to bed in a minute, but will come back & add some more. I never was one to take things lying down and, almost tragically, didn't quite realise I had the alternative option of walking away for good.

XH2 was a gaslighter. He would do things like go missing for hours at a party, and it'd turn out that one of his women friends had gone missing too. There was always an explanation, I was paranoid & clingy, you get the picture. At a party shortly before we decided to split, I snogged a bloke I didn't know. Real proper snogging - in front of XH, who was pretending to be asleep on the sofa.

The issue i have is where the thread has been put , in amongst lots of threads of women trying to survive affairs, and hold their families together and manage the rawness of discovery of an affair, humiliation etc and the rawness of separation ...you have this thread littered with tales of "my ex were a reyt bastard so i fucked his mates, lots of times and it were reyt good!". More than a bit off colour would have been better in chat/fem section.

I think you've rather missed the point of the posts, Choo. I don't think what I did to my XH was 'reyt good', and neither was the horrific and long-lasting context of the relationship.

If you're concerned about the placement of the thread you could of course report it to MNHQ.

Choo, really, just go away. You're being massively insensitive and missing the point entirely.

Some really sad posts in this thread. Many of them reminding me of my own abusive past.

'so you're going to get it both barrels now you've started being a twat directly at me'

oh no!
we are all quaking because you are angry

are you serious
get over yourself
(and do some work on your spag 'being a twat directly at me' doesnt really scan now does it)

PS are you that woman who used to be a pole dancer / lap dancer/adult entertainer?

I may or may not have wiped my ex's toothbrush around the toilet bowl. It was after he cheated and then on my discovery called me a fat cunt and told me I was rubbish at sex and only a blind, desperate man would ever want me again.

Very childish but very satisfying

Go and fuck yourself ... you're going to get it both barrels now

Words none of us have heard before

You seem to have confused this with a thread about the joys of having an affair, Choo. No idea what gave you that impression, but it's really not.

Why don't you put your effort into supporting the other posters you mention?

Just ignore people like Choo. They only feed off the distress of others.

If we were to say that anything in relationships that might offend or appear insensitive to others should be elsewhere then this board would be very empty.

Victim blaming should be challenged wherever it is found, unless it is simply deliberate baiting which it appears it might be here. Then it is best ignored as it has already been ably challenged.

We're both barrels discharged by Choo in her last pos?t or are we still waiting for them?

*were!

Totally posted in the middle of a slanging match there...

Thank you, Tis, you are right.

Your sounds like commendably mild revenge, Mamma :)

my support to you all on this thread

posters like choo using the tactics of your abusive exes/partners is a kind of delicious irony, huh ?

Choo surviving abuse and coping methods for getting through that are no less suitable to the relationship section than getting through infedileity. This section is for all aspects of relationships.

If I were reading this even in the aftermath of an affair, and yes I have been cheated on whilst I were pregnant. I would be too busy feeling empathy for the women that have been through so much, to be taking their infedility to a twat as some kind of personal dig at me.

I think that the only person being insensitive here is you. Minimizing abuse as if it somehow pales into insignificance compared to cheating. As someone who has been on the receiving end of both I can categorically say I much preferred the ex that cheated and gave me a clear visible reason to leave than the one who escalated his abuse of me to the extent that I thought it was normal to be covered in bruises. All in places people wouldn't see of course.

Well said MrsD

Mrs D sums it up perfectly. Exactly what she said!

Hear hear Mrs D

MrsD

spot on mrs D.

Well I always want people to agree with me, such a shame obout the subject matter! Thank you all.

OP thank you for this thread, especially the link to the blog and the Am I The Abusive One post.

I've been told that I was the abusive one so many times and he is such the consummate victim that I often wondered.

I didn't ask to get depression during pregnancy and for the next 4 years. I didn't want to be an economic victim. I didn't plan on getting isolated from all forms of support, even Mumsnet funnily enough. I never thought I would be physically or sexually assaulted by my husband. But it all happened. And that made me angry and ragey and shouty. My husband did choose to cheat, throw that in my face, and then sexual assault me before I finally left.

So as a PP said taken out of context my actions towards my husband at the time would be unacceptable but in context I was actually trying to find a way to cope with an intolerable situation.

I was in a very abusive, emotional, physical, drugs, money, threatening my disabled brother and widowed mum relationship (I could go on) from the age 17-around 23.

I am a very strong person too and I really relate to some of the above. I found a box (this will out me) with pictures of him sleeping with a lot of other women, used underwear, a diary of our relationship talking about how he and his female friend decided to 'target' and 'destroy' me when I was 17 (and had just lost my Dad) they were obsessed with cruel intentions. It spoke of the amount of times he cheated on me and things I'd said that he laughed about. He threatened me with a knife, told me I would never see my family again, constantly accused me of cheating then sobbed when I said I would leave and begged forgiveness. He sent me evil threatening text messages, punched me and threw me out of his car. I tried to get him to stop taking cocaine and thought if he loved me and saw me taking them he might stop which had the obvious repercussions. He tried to kill himself every time I left him and I spent numerous nights in hospital with him after he'd taken an overdose of paracetamol. I tried to tell his parents but they shut the door in my face. These are a few things.

I flipped one day and hit him a few times, he called the police and had me taken away. I broke a chair when I found the diary. I scratched a girls car he was sleeping with in the house we lived in until the day before - it was parked outside. I cheated on him towards the end once with this person who seemed to like me but he was engaged so I hurt her too when they broke up. Amusingly I once left 'don't call me baby' on repeat in our flat and tried to leave him.

It feels quite good to get that out, it didn't affect me for years afterwards but when I had children and now I have a lovely stable, normal DH it has affected me. I've tried to understand why but when I bump into him or his wife I feel very anxious, I'm hoping time will get rid of that!

• I didn't hurt her physically I mean she must have been emotionally hurt.

to all on this thread.