I really wanted to come back here and leave an update. You were all so supportive when I finally plucked up the courage to put out there what had been happening. Before I wrote my original post I spent a lot of time searching for posts from anyone who might have been through something similar, so I feel it's really important to leave an update not just to show those of you who posted replies to me, but for anyone who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in a similar situation so they can see there really is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is possible to come out of the other side.
So since my last post I did go back to my GP. I only told her I was raped and she helped me make a self referral for counselling. I had to wait a few weeks for an assessment - I was more truthful that time, told the counsellor it was H and that it happened numberous times. I was told that the waiting list for counselling was six months long. She also spoke with her supervisor about whether or not to make a referral to social services but they decided against it as there was no immediate safe guarding issue (I mentioned this in another post but just want to put the full picture in one place). I moved back in with my parents but hadn't told them still.
After more helpful replies to my other post about moving on, I went back to the GP. She wrote the counselling service to see if I could be bumped up the list - and it worked! We discussed anti depressants and at the time decided against it - I wasn't so sure about it as me and my son co sleep and he still wakes at night, so I was concerned about taking medication. I felt awful though. DS was still seeing H every Sunday and I felt terrible everytime I had to leave him there. The intrusive thoughts were getting worse and I was crying all the time. I thought I would be better off dead. I felt like a crap mother because I was always upset even around my baby, and he needs a happy healthy mum not one who can barely function. One weekend H cancelled his day for having DS, and the relief just washed over me - id been up my the night before crying my eyes out at the thought of leaving DS with H. then as the next weekend approached I could feel myself getting more and more upset again. I called the HV, and told her everything. She came straight round. She spoke with her safe guarding advisors and they told her she had to make a referral to social services and tell me not to hand my DS over to H. And they wanted me to talk to the police - HV said it wouldn't look good on me if I didn't, but I didn't have to press charges just tell them what happened. She rang them and a female officer came to my house that afternoon to talk with me. It was awkward and uncomfortable going through the details, but not as much as I thought it would be. The officer was absolutely lovely.
By that point I'd text H telling him I'd told HV everything and I wasn't allowed to hand DS to him and was waiting for social services to contact me. I hadn't expected it, but the texts from him just started pouring in, basically pleading that this would affect him seeing his other kids as well as DS, he wasn't in control of what he was doing because he was drunk, then he feels like a monster so might as well be treated like one. Not once did he try to say he hadn't done anything, much of what he sent together is an admission that he did something he knows is horrible and wrong and illegal. So the police took my phone and the details of the messages have been taken to use as evidence.
With everything that was going on I finally told my parents. I tried to write them a letter which was really painful to be honest, I'm sort of glad they never got that to read. In the end they knew something was wrong and something was going on, and they pushed me until it all just came out and I told them. They know I was sexually abused, I haven't said to them it was rape. But its made a massive difference that they know it was an abusive relationship. They don't want H anywhere near me and DS. They've been brilliant.
Social services have been crap if I'm honest. Someone eventually rang me nearly a week after HV made the referral, asked if I was happy to not allow DS to see H, I said yes, then they said they were happy DS wasn't seeing H and there was a police investigation of which they will be informed of the outcome, so they weren't going to open a case. This is fine by me, the phone call lasted less than 2 minutes. It was only afterwards I started to think they hadn't contacted Hs ex, my step daughters mum to let her know what's happened. Now if the shoe was on the other foot and I'd been sending DS to see his dad and all the while there is a police investigation on him for rape, I'd want to know. So I asked my HV about and she chased it up. She had to put in another referral. I still haven't heard from my "new social worker", who was supposed to contact me three weeks ago, so doubt they've contacted her. I haven't got her number and am contemplating joining Facebook just to find her to tell her.
I decided I wanted to press charges. The DC on my case is really good, I really worried about being believed but I needn't have. Everyone I've had to speak with from the police have been so knowledgeable on DV and that's really helped. They've taken a video statement from me, during which I mentioned I did tell one friend years ago when it first happened. We'd all been drinking and H got removed by the police for fighting with my friends partner. I told my friend about the rape but the next day I played it down and asked him to forget I said anything, and he did. The police took a statement from him and his version of events matched mine - I thought he might have forgotten but he hadn't, he just believed me when I said I'd over exaggerated and had thought if something had happened, then nothing like that must have ever happened again because we got married. With his statement and the text messages, I'm hoping it will go to court. The DC said he couldn't promise me anything, but said H did himself no favours when they took him in for questioning - he was still trying to insist on all those occasions he was so drunk he doesn't know what he did, he even acted "horrified" at some of the things they asked him about. He used to act the same when I confronted him the next day after one of his attacks. The DC saw right through him. It's a long wait to see if CPS will take it to court, but I should know by the end of September. If he's found guilty I've been told he's looking at between 5 and 10 years prison sentence.
I was really worried that if it doesn't go to court, or it does and he's found not guilty, he'd stand a better chance of getting access to DS by painting me to be a vindictive liar. But the lady at the women's charity helped me with that. Now I understand that even if that was the case, the criminal court and the civil court work differently. In the criminal court there isn't allowed to be any doubt to find a person guilty. In the civil court if they only believe me 51% I've won. She's had loads of experience with the courts and offered to come with me, and says she'll help me if he does take me to court over access. And I don't even think he would.
I'm on anti depressants now. The HV insisted I go back and talk to the doctor again. They're not making me too drowsy, im still waking up for DS. Had head aches with them for a few weeks and saw no difference in my mood, but now I feel a difference. My counselling got brought forward and I've had a few sessions, so it might be just that or a mixture of the two plus getting it all resolved. I haven't felt tearful or cried for a few weeks now. The intrusive thoughts have really calmed down, and my counsellor helped me to understand why they started happening when they did, and made me realise I wasn't going crazy like I thought. I've recently started going to a peer support group run by the women's charity too. I'm finding the more I can make sense out of what happened and how I dealt with it at the time, the easier I'm finding it to let it go and move on.
I'm sleeping and eating better, and I'm having more good days at last. I'm really enjoying spending time with my son now. It's amazing the change in how I feel, compared to how I was just a few months ago. I was scared I might never feel normal again and couldn't see myself feeling better again, I hope anyone who is looking for a similar case wondering the same things I was might find this so they can see it can get better. Thanks for reading if you got this far x