Me and my husband have been together 4 and a half years, we have a 7 month old son.
Over two and half years, whilst TTC out son, he raped me on a number occasions, he had a habitual drink problem and would come home waking me up to start an argument/just to shout at and lecture me about why I am a terrible person, and then sometimes he'd rape me. There was a particularly nasty night where he had almost suffocated me and dragged me from the bathroom back to the bedroom in a head lock and made me do things I didn't want to. He kept saying through out if he couldn't make me pregnant with love he'd get me pregnant through fear. This was the last time it happened, now over a year ago and I found out I was pregnant two weeks later (though thankfully ive been able to convince myself this is not when I concieved my son). I didn't think I'd ever become a mother because of fertility issues, we were on our 9th round of clomid and had already been through a miscarriage. Our wedding was also 6 weeks later after the attack. I just feel so humiliated still, the thought of cancelling the wedding and being pressured into aborting my baby, of the truth coming out or people talking about me was my worst nightmare. I'd been able to sweep all the incidents before under the carpet an just pretend they hadn't happened so I tried to do it again and carry on like normal.
After the wedding he carried on drinking heavily on our honeymoon, two nights he left me alone in our hotel to go out drinking alone, i was terrified he would do it again. The first night I locked myself in the bathroom and the second night he punched me in the head and threatened the hit me in the stomach (I was three months pregnant) and I'd ran down to the reception to get away from him and they asked me if I wanted to call the police. The only reason I said no was that we were due to fly back two days later, they warned me where we were my husband would be kept in police custody for three days - this meant flying home alone and coming up with an explanation for where he was and why.
I know it's pathetic of me but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone or to get help. I just wanted to concentrate on my baby who i wanted for so long. When we got back it was as if he had a wake up call and he stopped drinking. We moved much closer to my family - I said it was because of the baby but really I did this so that I could run to them if I ever felt in danger again. I was very down about it for months and would cry driving home from work. Once I started maternity leave it was like I could finally lock it up in a box and concentrate on becoming a mother. I felt close to my husband again somehow, and he was there when I gave birth to our son and he has been a completely hands on dad and dotes on our boy.
I would say he was around 4 months old when I started having nightmares and flash backs. There are just so many negative thoughts and questions running riot in my head - like he insists each time he raped me he cannot remember what he did as he was soooo drunk. Surely if he was so pissed he blacked out he would have been incapable of keeping me up and doing what he did for over six hours after he stopped drinking and come home? He's aware of how I feel, keeps telling me I'm depressed and blaming my contraceptive pill, every day he tries to carry on as normal as if I might snap out of it, every night he tells me he's still the same man I fell in love with. He's tried getting me to tell him how I feel, but how can i!!! he is the very last person I want to talk to about it! He turns it into being all about him and makes it seem as if it was only "one mistake" as if all the other "mistakes" leading up to it never happened or not as bad as I make out? I know I want him to leave but haven't got a back bone or any guts to just make it happen. I would have, and still would tell anyone in similar circumstances to run a mile but when faced with it myself it just feel so hopeless! Most days I just want everything to end so I don't have to think about it anymore, I worry that without my son I could really hurt myself. I keep looking at forums such as this for any one with similar experiences, I keep looking at sites such as rape crisis and wondering about counselling. I've checked how I could afford to live just lb and me in a new home on my wages and income support etc. I Just can't find the strength to get him to leave or ask for help. thinking of telling my parents makes me feel sick. I've tried thinking of how I could end my marriage and lie to my family about why.
This is really hard to write down let alone talk to anyone about. If you got this far then thanks for reading.