sad and lonely

[matroyshka]

Ashamed to even type this but I’m just so sad and lonely I need to reach out. I’m 35 and single with no children and I feel like I’ll be alone forever. Everyone I know is part of a couple and/or has children and sometimes I feel like the only one who’s alone. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months who I really like but feel he’s losing interest – so sad as I just don’t understand why I keep ending up alone. What’s wrong with me?!

I know writing this sounds really self-pitying but it genuinely feels like that - in the grand scheme of things this is such a non-problem…Lately I’ve been making a list of 5 things I’m grateful for each night before bed and this makes me see that I am lucky in lots of ways but it just doesn’t seem like that most of the time. I would like to have a family and feel time is slipping away.

I was in an EA relationship for a long time (a few years ago) and absolutely appreciate that no relationship is better than an awful one… but I’m still so lonely and just want to feel loved...

Bit of an outpouring really, sorry for the pity post, I just thought it might help to write it down…

Firstly, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad and lonely.

Are there any local classes or new hobbies that you could take up? They could give you an interesting focus whilst meeting new people.

maybe take a more pro active approach. with this guy, tell him you feel hes losing interest and its time to call it a day. try to relax and embrace being single, while working on your self esteem. this could include learning a new language, toning up at the gym, getting a qualificatuon. you are still young but you are in danger of being desperate and settling. we all get lonely and being married with kids isnt necessarily protection against that. there is nothing wrong with you, believe me.

Thanks for your replies, Pixa and MyRightFoot. I do a few activities in the evenings, I have interests but they never completely absorb me, I'm always thinking about what's missing in my life. It's the weekends that are hardest - I go to the gym and then what to do after that when everyone else is doing couple-y and family things...

Your post really struck a cord with me OP.

Although I do have a child from my previous relationship (which I am unbelievably grateful for) I understand those feelings of loneliness well.

I do not have one single friend and in fact spent last night (like bloody Bridget Jones) on a night out with three other couples! I also spend my daily life (shopping, days out, working) looking around at all the couples and wishing I had someone special to share our lives with.

I have no magical cure or remedy I'm afraid but I often think to myself while I've been single I haven't met anyone who I would like to stop being single for, so you never know maybe HE is out there somewhere!! I am sure someone will come along for you at exactly the right and correct moment in time and you will look back and understand why he was worth waiting for.

Have you ever had a longterm relationship, OP?

pocketsaviour - yes, I was with someone for about 7 years. That was over more than 3 years ago though.

MrsLannister (love the moniker!) - so sorry to hear you feel lonely too. I know how you feel, I had a similar night out on Friday and really empathise with how you feel looking at other couples. Thanks for the nice words, I'm sure you will too, it's just hard to believe that when feeling low isn't it... of course you're right though (:

I used to get teary in supermarkets on Saturday evenings looking at all the couples with their couple food with my sad little basket for one. At 37 after a long horrible relationship that had finished a few years earlier and a few short term flings that really didn't work out I had pretty much resigned myself to the role of doting auntie and avid Saturday night tv watcher. And then I met DP :). Online dating.....have you considered it OP?

Always helps to write things down or talk it through,I have an 11 year old who is my world but unfortunately I've had a week that's gone from bad to worse and feel so on my own at the moment,I went running this morning and although my problems are still there I must admit I felt a bit better,do you have any close friends you can talk to

I can't add much to what everyone else has said but I wanted to say I feel exactly the same.i feel my life is over at 39:-(
If you want to chat Id welcome a pen friend or modern day e mail buddy ?! Xxx

i would recommend ol dating. you might not meet the love of your life but getting dressed up for dates does wonders for your confidence.

Yes I get where you're coming from too. I am thankful for my children, but doing food shopping has me tearful at times! I look at the couples and wonder how did they find each other and how are they making it work when I can't. Yes it's self pity, but I feel sad.

You are young op, remember that, you still have options.

OP are you me? I honestly could have written that exact same post. I am also 35, single and no children. There's nothing I would like more than to meet someone, settle down and have children but it feels like it's never going to happen. My friends tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that I'll meet someone but when I've spent yet another weekend alone it feels like there is.

I go to the gym, I go swimming, I go running, including to Parkrun to try and meet new people. The thing is, everyone already seems to be coupled up. I've tried online dating but experiences from that just confirm to me that I can't do relationships. My confidence in shattered, my self esteem is rock bottom.

OP you are not alone in how you feel. I don't know what the answer is but for now I'm giving up and getting a cat instead!

www.meetup.com

Until 6 months ago I had no social life or friends then i took th eplunge and tried meetup and now i could be out every night if i wanted to.

The secret is to try different groups and keep going along. Don't be put off that some have far more women than men. These women can become your friends and help you to expand your life. Going along to ones centred around an activity or interest are good. The ones that meet at the cinema or a night club give less oppportunity to chat so its harder to get to know people. Give it a go.

I'm 38, never had a long term relationship, really want a baby &... I think I want a boyfriend but since none of my relationships have ever lasted I'm not sure about that one.

I can't have a baby alone as I've had serious MH problems and couldn't cope on my own as a parent - and financially I'm quite badly off too.

I do have some good friends but my social life could be better - I have a friend who is also single but she seems to have given up on men altogether so she won't come out at night with me!

I have other friends who are single, no children but the difference is that they have had long term relationships.

I want to start online dating but I just feel too fat right now! So I am going to the gym again.

Yep, me too. Weekends are the worst.

I would like to at least have nieces or nephews but my sister is 35 and not bothered about having children. I'm lucky to have her as a good friend though.

I do recommend getting a pet. It means you don't end up talking to yourself! I've got a cat and she was waiting for me when I got home from work last night which was nice.

I shall be trying online dating, have had success with meeting men on Tinder & Facebook in the past.
There is a man I like at work, I'm considering sending him my phone number on Facebook... hmmm not sure I'm brave enough though!

Thanks so much, everyone, for your replies. I'm sorry others are in the same boat though - sending hugs!

Re OLD, yes, I have been doing it for a while and am seeing someone I met on there currently but am feeling very pessimistic about it - I think I am just so impatient, I want a serious, committed relationship right now! OLD can be fun but I've found the rejection and uncertainty and game-playing (of some men) to be really hard to deal with and have damaged my self-esteem even further. Plus there are so many stories of chancers and players it makes me so suspicious...

sally - I could have written everything you put! Getting a cat sounds a great idea, I would love a pet too but can't where I live.

radar - great to hear you've had positive experiences with meetup. I've joined a few groups but am very shy and find it so hard to go along to things alone. Really trying though...

sand - hugs! x

Latara - please don't feel you are too fat, you sound lovely! I go to the gym a lot and it does help me feel better about my appearance, so that sounds a good plan. Good luck if you decide to go for OLD or send your number to work guy!

brownsofa - will PM you! x

Wish my brother would provide some nieces or nephews - he is younger than me but his gf is in her early 40s and they don't seem to be interested in children...

Please keep posting everyone, it's not good to hear others are sad and lonely too, obviously, but it's good to share (o: x

Rummikub - I know what you mean, I do the same, embarrassed of my sad little basket and imagining everyone else having a fun, romantic evening planned. It's probably not their reality at all I guess but sometimes it's hard not to believe it... x

nooyear - lovely to hear you've found a happy ending! There is hope! x

I would love to have a thread about loneliness on here. It seems like something a lot of people are facing, whether they are single and childless, or unwell and thus quite isolated, or heavily involved in childcare with very young kids.

to all going through it.

shovetheholly - absolutely! I read something recently about how loneliness is a growing problem these days, which is so sad.

Matroysnka, thanks for the pm will pm U back shortly;

Maybe you could take the lead on a loneliness thread???? Or maybe this is now the loneliness thread?!! ( not sure if we ll be booted to some other board though?!)

Hi

I know ppl suggest groups ect but it not for everyone,
I did on line dating didn't work but met my bf through an ex but still get lonely .

I know a post before said about looking at ppl shopping and I'd have a meal for one it's horrible I know , yes I'm with some one now but no one to go girly shopping ect .

Yes my social circle bigger now but his mates not mine.

What I'm trying to say there are lots of us out there , I think being lonely is bigger than many ppl think.

Hi everyone. First MN post for me.

I feel the same as the OP and others who have posted. Feel lonely and a bit unwanted lots of the time . The thing about going to the supermarket on the weekend I totally get - seeing the couples buying lots of stuff for Saturday night and a nice cooked Sunday breakfast, me with a sad little basket - of course the reality might be different in their home life but still it is easy to feel lonely.

I'm 37 and feel like most men I meet (who I could like!) seem to be in long term relationships/married with families. I'm a reasonably social person, have friends, keep myself busy, okay job and flat etc but I would love someone to share my life with again, to love and be loved, even just to have a cuddle with. I would like to have a family but feel time ticking away.

I have tried OL dating in the past but didn't seem to get anywhere.

I wasted 8 years of my life in a relationship (ended couple of years ago) which didn't really go anywhere - I guess he wouldn't commit to "more" and we wanted different things so it ended. Looking back I think I wasn't treated that well at times, tried to please to much. Ex always often put me down, criticised etc dressed up as "advice and help". I know it wasn't working but I still do miss some things about him and the relationship. I think I should have been much clearer about what I wanted and addressed sooner rather than waiting and "hoping"

Anyway just thought I would add something as the thread struck a chord.

About the loneliness thread idea - what do people think, shall we just carry on using this thread or is it better to start another one? Or change the title of this one if that's possible? I'm not very MN-savvy!

Jesy - great to hear you've met someone and hope it's going well, although sorry to hear you still get lonely. You're right, loneliness does seem to be a big problem. Just wondered if you'd tried meetup and the like to make some more female pals and what your experiences had been?

DuchessDaisy - hugs! My longest relationship sounds very similar to yours, I stayed in it too long, always thinking things might get better. Really regret wasting so much time on him but hey ho... I know exactly what you mean about everything you've said above, just wanted to say you're not alone

How's everyone doing today? Is the week generally easier than the weekend in loneliness terms? I find I [over]think more at the weekends... xx

Matroyshka - thanks!

I agree that the weekend can be more lonely for the week - work, commuting etc takes time and energy away in the week. Friday nights I often find can be worst, especially if you spend the day listening to other people's couple/family plans. Don't get me wrong some good things at times about being single and living alone (no moans about "crap" tv, food, housework disputes et al!) but I think many want to share their lives with someone and be loved.

Yes I stayed in my relationship way too long. Feels like wasted years now and I should have been stronger and clearer - for both of us really. I think often there is an element of being scared to be alone in some ways. My last relationship was also damaged my confidence in some ways and feel sad about that.