sad and lonely

[matroyshka]

Ashamed to even type this but I’m just so sad and lonely I need to reach out. I’m 35 and single with no children and I feel like I’ll be alone forever. Everyone I know is part of a couple and/or has children and sometimes I feel like the only one who’s alone. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months who I really like but feel he’s losing interest – so sad as I just don’t understand why I keep ending up alone. What’s wrong with me?!

I know writing this sounds really self-pitying but it genuinely feels like that - in the grand scheme of things this is such a non-problem…Lately I’ve been making a list of 5 things I’m grateful for each night before bed and this makes me see that I am lucky in lots of ways but it just doesn’t seem like that most of the time. I would like to have a family and feel time is slipping away.

I was in an EA relationship for a long time (a few years ago) and absolutely appreciate that no relationship is better than an awful one… but I’m still so lonely and just want to feel loved...

Bit of an outpouring really, sorry for the pity post, I just thought it might help to write it down…

So there are a few of us on here. I spent 7 years in a relationship, and was forced to end it due to wanting to raise a family, she already had x2 DD, and at 42 when we met felt too old! That was 13 years ago.
A few relationships came and went, none of which were suitable. Now in my late 40's, have many friends , but still feel lonely without a loving relationship , the children would bé a bonus.
I did contact an ex to try for a child. I am sure anyone in my position would understand, not ideal.

I totally get the supermarket thing, I go late in the evening to avoid this. I can't help but smile at the kids messing about in the isles.

I've joined a social group , but it seems it's the wrong one as most are near retirement.
I will try meetup.

As time goes on it gets so much harder to meet anyone,even more so of child bearing age. OLD is not for me. I have posted on a previous thread about venturing into S/E Asia, I've since put a stop to that. A British girl is the answer.

Here to support those in the same predicament.

Hi, I've been single for 3 years after horrid break up. To begin with I felt exactly the same as you. Didn't know what to do with myself at the weekend in particular. I then started doing a class on a Saturday morning - spin to start with, but now I do a writing class. I liked this as I felt it got me out of the house and started off my weekend in a positive manner rather than moping about the house.

I also made a real effort to boost my social life/circle by saying yes to every invite that came my way. Eventually you won't need to make an effort - my social life is almost too busy now. But I would stress the need to put an effort in. A social life is like anything - you need to work at it. I made more effort with people at work and renewed acquaintances with uni friends.

I also joined a choir for a while. And did meet up / city socialising. I didn't make any lasting friendships at those but did past the time at a point in my life when I was feeling lonely.

I've been seeing someone for 5 months now - someone who I met via a colleague I ended up getting pally with. Early days but a positive story I hope! I would never have met him had I not made more effort to be friendly at work.

Also I asked him out so if you meet someone you like (like the poster above) then you should go for it. No cheek, no chance.

Sorry I do hope my last post didn't sound smug. It wasn't meant to - just trying to say I've been there and these were my coping techniques. And that the more you go out and about the more chance you have of meeting someone.

Not at all, I liked it.

I joined meet up, but doubt I'd make friends there. Just started making more effort with likely potential friends at work or school gate.

Hopefully I'm on the right track.

Keep going with this one, then, once it's full continue? I hope it continues. It's great to find others in similar positions.

I never do a big shop in the supermarket now, dash in and out. Avoid the smug couples!

Can I join the feeling sad and lonely club?
I often feel those thing alongside a huge sense of responsibility to my three children.
I don't get much time just for me.
Weekends in this house are known as shattered day and shunday. We are surrounded by couples.
I'm a widow, have had one relationship since then, but I've ended that due to unsolvable conflicts with children.
The meet up thing looks good, I must try it.

Hello
Thanks for your posts!

Daisy - I totally agree about being a bit scared to be alone. You were really brave to end a relationship you weren't happy with though, I know in my own case it took me a long time and a lot of attempts to get out. You must be a really strong person - sorry to hear it damaged your self-esteem, I struggle with that too. I'm not really sure how to improve it to be honest...

albal - definitely try meetup! Have you found anything that interests you in your area? I find it really hard to make myself go along to groups for the first time - maybe we could all encourage each other not to chicken out (that's my problem, great plans and then suddenly... last minute excuse!).

zigazagah - your post was really encouraging, not at all smug, thanks so much for posting, it's really great you have come out the other end and are happier! I need to adopt a more positive attitude, like yours! I'm really considering a Saturday morning class at the gym now, I'm usually rubbish at getting up at the weekend but starting off positively may be the way forward. How did you find the choir? I would love to join Rock Choir but my singing ability doesn't match my enthusiasm

Rummikub - good idea about the thread, let's do that. Good luck, is there anyone nice at work/school gate who seems like a potential friend? Sounds a good place to start!

Kohl and Frank - hello! Frank, definitely try meetup! I know I keep saying this, I should really take my own advice Kohl, do you have any meetup groups or anything similar in your area? Maybe you could try that type of thing to meet some new faces?

Take care everyone and have a good day! x

Yes I've found one new friend in work and one potential at school gate. :)

I've been trying to fill the Easter weekend. Those enforced days alone really make me fearful. Sleep, which used to be my escape, is no more as I really struggle to sleep and lay awake, musing! Always a bad idea!

You can set up your own meet up group too. It's a shame that mn local isn't thriving. I'm glad mn is here. Saved me a few times.

That's great, Rummikub! Have you managed to plan anything for the Easter weekend?

I'm really not looking forward to the long weekend - it seems such a waste to think like that but I know I'm going to end up feeling lonely and down. And eat too many Easter eggs...

Something that occurred to me the other day is that the men I know seem to be able to fill their time very easily as they get so absorbed in their interests, whereas the women I know don't - and my interests are only really a stop-gap for when I don't have any company and don't fully absorb me. Does that make sense?! I wonder why this is... Maybe I need some new hobbies!

What is everyone on the lonely thread up to at the weekend? Wishing everyone a very happy and non-lonely Easter!x

Hi all,
Just signing back in!
Had awful day yesterday as the dog injured himself.
I did have the meet up app, I'll have to try it again.there was a couple of walks I wanted to go on with a local history walk group.
Thankfully I do have a plan this easter half term for me and the dc's. I'm visiting my best friend who moved a 100 miles away (hence feeling even more lonely) for the week so that will be enjoyable.
And then back into work the week after.
I'm glad we ve all been able to start chatting on here and have started our own "lonely group"!

Thanks matryoshka :)
I've got to fill 3 days of the Easter weekend. Another friend has unfortunately just got busy with waiting fr tradesmen when I was hoping to see her. I'm feeling a bit like a stalker with trying to in people down for dates!!

Are we in massivly different parts of country to have a meet up I wonder?

I'm in herts(edge of North London)

Hi It was Rock Choir I joined and it was loads of fun. And you don't have to audition or be brilliant at singing. We performed at loads of great things eg did a flash mob etcetc. Not many men at it though so it won't be where you meet someone!

Also I am really into to writing so that is what I do to pass the time if I'm in the house and at a loose end (with ref the comment above about men getting absorbed in hobbies). I can't feel lonely if I'm actively concentrating on something.

I also have a cat. Pets are the best!

Brownsofa - so sorry to hear about your dog, I hope he's ok? The local history walk group sounds really interesting. Your plans for the holidays sound great, have a lovely time!

I was wondering where everyone is too - I'm in Southampton.

Rummikub - haha, I don't think it's stalkerish though, just being organised (o; Hope you manage to fill the other 3 days with some fun stuff or nice me time.

Zigazag - ooh, really tempted by Rock Choir now, it sounds a lot of fun! Do you write fiction?

I'm really nosey curious now about other people's hobbies?

Well I started off doing a blog about dating! Then it diversified into other stuff. Now I do the blog and some fictional writing too - short stories.

Im an old hand at this, for various reasons dont want to depress anybody and i've developed a few skills around it..

To start with, I avoid situations that rub my nose in it. I can honestly say I've never noticed what others are buying in the supermarket but, If I did, I'd avoid it. I just can't see the point of doing something that makes me feel shit. I don't socialise too much with marrieds, rich people, people whose children are doing well. Etc! I just don't want it in my face.

It doesn't make my life smaller, it's more a case of self-care really. I spend time with/do things with people in the same/similar boat.

Good idea to get out to something first thing on a weekend, it always gives me a boost to do that, I feel I'm in the land of the living!

I know it's not easy but I really do look to accept the situation I'm in. Not passively but I'm a legit human being, whether or not I have the frills some people seem to have. A lot of loneliness and isolation is down to the way society is structured and not personal at all.

I have a friend who does friend/boyf homework, she's on it! I keep my eye on that, too; keeping my toe in, making sure I factor in socials/meet-ups [sorry about the endless obliques here ha/ha].

Ime friends come and go, I hold friendships lightly these days. I'm quite boundaried around friendships though - if someone takes the piss I back right off (and people really do take the piss I find!). And I want to spend time with people who want to spend time with me, otherwise I am simply not interested (why would I be??)

I'd MUCH rather spend time alone than with people for the sake of it. I am an extrovert but everyone finds new situations difficult, you just have to be brave and get over that initial hump. Though if it's not going well I leave. Try something else...

Thus pronounceth I on loneliness/isolation! I'm not ashamed of it is the bottom line and that's half the battle imo.

That's really impressive, zigazig!

springydaffs - sorry to hear you are experienced in this area! It sounds like you have built up some great strategies and don't take any rubbish from anyone... I need to take a leaf or two out of your book, especially not feeling ashamed of being lonely (o: Very wise words, thank you xx

What is friend/boyf homework?

Another lonely one here! I'm 35, lost my mum suddenly last year, 2 weeks later my fiance cheated and left me and its been a struggle ever since..

This thread is great, love all the suggestions and hearing how people are coping.

I work in a charity shop on Saturdays as i too was finding the weekends very hard without the routine of having to get up and be somewhere. Its a bit tiring after working a full week but its really helped me - i've got to know new people and I enjoy being on the till and chatting to the customers. It helps me to feel I'm doing something useful and is also a good reminder that there's a whole world out there full of nice people :)

Friend/boyfriend homework = going at it like a project, researching opportunities, giving everything a try, keeping balls in the air in case one doesn't work you can shift to another. It's a good approach I think, helps stop taking things personally.

I was wondering about the friend/boyfriend homework too That's a good idea, I like the idea of treating it as a project. It appeals to my list-making/notebook obsession passion

elsa - so sorry for everything you've been through. Your attitude is really inspiring x

Do you want "family/friends" generally or a boyfriend/partner and/or a child most?

2 friends from my home town joined many classes and groups which were mainly attended by women. Eventually they joined an all female Saturday rambling group which turned out to be very social. For one of my friends this became her "family" and she has made some very good friends who have given each other mutual support through the last 5 years. The other friend decided that what she really wanted was a boyfriend and left to deliberately join activities that more men rather than women would go to ( e.g. a fencing class, rock climbing, kayaking)rather than the yoga, art classes etc that she had tried in the past. She had some exciting flings and friendships that boosted her confidence and then met her DP through work.

Someone else I know (in her 40's had always wanted children but never had a steady relationship). She volunteered as a mentor/friend with a children's charity and is now a very busy foster parent. I am just saying (very longwindly) that you need to target weekend activities that will help put you in environments where the outcome you want most might be more likely.

I've been researching volunteering opportunities. I'd love to be able to do something over the Easter break. But most seem to recruit in sept. I was looking at hospitals mainly rather than charity shops.

I'll keep searching. Maybe even btcv?