sad and lonely

[matroyshka]

Ashamed to even type this but I’m just so sad and lonely I need to reach out. I’m 35 and single with no children and I feel like I’ll be alone forever. Everyone I know is part of a couple and/or has children and sometimes I feel like the only one who’s alone. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of months who I really like but feel he’s losing interest – so sad as I just don’t understand why I keep ending up alone. What’s wrong with me?!

I know writing this sounds really self-pitying but it genuinely feels like that - in the grand scheme of things this is such a non-problem…Lately I’ve been making a list of 5 things I’m grateful for each night before bed and this makes me see that I am lucky in lots of ways but it just doesn’t seem like that most of the time. I would like to have a family and feel time is slipping away.

I was in an EA relationship for a long time (a few years ago) and absolutely appreciate that no relationship is better than an awful one… but I’m still so lonely and just want to feel loved...

Bit of an outpouring really, sorry for the pity post, I just thought it might help to write it down…

About the meetup groups. Everyone is shy and anxious the first time they go along. Send the organiser a personal message saying you're new and could they meet you outside or something like that.

Thanks Venice, that's a good idea, hadn't thought of that but I guess you're right that most people are probably nervous too!

Sparkle - thank you so much for posting! how you were a year ago sounds exactly like me now, really pleased to hear things have got so much better for you, you sound really happy. Thanks for the advice

Allofa and Munchkin - welcome onboard! really sorry to hear you are both in the same boat x

Springy - complain away! I agree, really found it dragged - glad you enjoyed being outside in the sun though, the weather was amazing wasn't it!

I'm glad to be back to 'normal' life today, more of a routine seems to help. And I'm trying to take positive steps - have made a list of hobbies/interests that appeal to me and have found some meetups and groups to try out. Am having a good think about volunteering too and what kind of position I could do.

Have a good day everyone!x

I went a bit loony these 4 fucking days. Lesson learned: plan in future.

Like you chocolate I was in a very abusive relationship many years ago and I havent been in a relationship since. I also have a faint agoraphobia - enough to notice it, anyway. I had a serious loss 3 years ago and I am struggling to recover - I seem to be getting worse, not better, despite doing all I can to address it. Perhaps it's one of those times to just give in and be broken? I havent been able to work, hence no money (which ssriously doesnt help matters!). I think I didn't plan for those 4 fucking days because I'm on day-at-a-time clock. It's all I can manage at the mo - but I don't want to get caught short again like I did these 4 .... etc

What to do about 'friends'? A feature about broken hearts (romantic) on women's hour today said friends should 'suck it up' when you're flailing/miserable/done in. Ime those friends are few and far between. Though, to be fair, they usually mean well.

hi, what a great thread, thank you for posting, its nice to know, (in a reassuring way) that we aren't alone. I am 40, just turned in Feb and that was it for me, the penny dropped, no kids, friends have kids, we are all so different with our lifestyles, they want to drink, spend time with kids and Im more the theatre, skier, creative and its hard finding people similar who are into their sport or sensitive and caring. I have been single for a year and only meet nightmares (so I obviously need to be alone for now), My best friend as sad as this sounds is my mum..I trust her terribly and she is 68 and keeps saying get out there more, she is right. I am not the most confident though and very very shy.

For me I struggle with being alone, its not like I don't like my own company I just find myself worrying and at the moment its worrying my mum and dad will die soon even though both are ok and healthy. I know its my own fears, thinking without them I have nobody, so this year I am determined to start new groups. my dad is 71 and mum 68...

So if this helps, this is how I am trying....slowly I may add. I fell ill last Sept with flu, colds and constantly ill, wasn't sure why but realised I was low in vit D, so I wanted to more healthy, so I joined a gym....lost weight, more toned and felt so much healthier inside. I was chatted up at the pool and had men smile at me more at the gym. I have yet to meet anyone special but at least its a start and people talk to you whilst in the sauna weirdly..or in the pool....

The next is meet up groups...I have also joined not long ago and they are good fun, have yet to find one thats for me, but will look at the walking groups too that sounds more up my street. Or we could start one ourselves, anyone live near Bucks/Herts? We should meet up......

The other was a tennis club, I start tomorrow night.

You are so right, only do things you enjoy and not to rely on others to do that for you as their agenda you may have outgrown or is different. This is something i have realised, not everyone I know as friends enjoys the same things as me now.

I find when I joined the gym, others were in the same place, but I, like many of you, dread those bank holidays, they are the worst! so next time it comes up I am going away lol....otherwise I may start to worry about myself!

Maybe one tiny thing at a time to help you, ...like sparkle pup did....good incentive thank you.

Chocolatesofa are you nearby or anyone? PM me it would be lovely to meet.

springy - if it helps, 4 whole days are quite tough to get through... and you've made it now! Really sorry to hear about your loss. Do you think some counselling could help? Maybe you could speak to your GP and see if s/he could refer you for anything that might help? I hope that's not speaking out of turn or insulting to say that

I think true friends would definitely suck it up when you are low and having problems - that's the friendship test. As you say though, not everyone is a true friend. I've finally given up on a very one-sided friendship and feel quite liberated... there's only so much effort you can make by yourself, no?!

Hi again, creative! It's not sad at all to be so close to your mum, it's a really great thing, I'm sure once you start going to more things you will make friends as you sound really nice! I understand with the shy thing, and often have great plans to go to clubs/meetups and constantly find excuses to put it off... but lately have been trying to make myself think of the best outcome of going, i.e. meeting nice people, vs not going (sitting at home and being lonely) - and it has helped a bit.

I think brownsofa and maybe another poster are roughly in the same area as you. Wouldn't it be great if some real-life friendships came out of this thread? Good luck at tennis tomorrow!

Hello all,

Oh my gosh, so much going on in this thread now, it's great to 'meet' so many people. But it also means I'm going to have to switch from my iPad because it's so hard to write a lot on it (for me anyway!)

Well I think we should all give ourselves a big pat on the back for getting through the bank holiday weekend. I've taken the rest of the week off so I'm still at rather a loose end. It's my birthday tomorrow and probably the only people I'll be hanging out with will be my sister and my mum! I know I should be grateful even for that, but in a way it is a little dispiriting (I'm aware I'm being a brat though).

Creative, I'm very close to my mum too, in fact the reason I moved 250 miles across the country a couple of years ago was to be near her as she gets older and less mobile. She's still very independent, but she's had a couple of major operations in the past couple of years, and since my dad died a few years ago my sister and I worry about her. She has lots of friends but she doesn't like to 'impose' on them too much. So I sometimes end up feeling a little 'suffocated' by the arrangement. On the other hand, we do get on well, and given some of what I read on here of 'toxic' parents, I feel very grateful for our relative normality.

Just found out today that my only local meetup group is about to be shut down, probably because of lack of interest. I need to work up the courage to start one ,yield. Does " 'town name' social" sound all right?

Interesting point about 'friends', springydaffs. I usually leap for the off button as soon as Woman's Hour starts so I missed that. But over the years I've consistently found that the friends you might expect to be there for you let you down when you need them, while others you didn't expect anything from really step up to the mark.

I could be talking bollocks though

PS sorry for all the 'inverted commas'. I hope they haven't irritated anyone too much!

I agree, matroyshka. Twas why I have labelled them with an expletive. 4 days! TWO bank holidays ffs. Yy all well and good for those clogging up the motorways avec family. Someone on the radio said 'have a lovely Easter with your family' and I felt cross at the assumption we would ALL be spending time with family. We, those on this thread, are FAR from unusual. It's the last taboo isn't it.

I used to be close to my mum, honourable, and I remember panicking at the thought of losing her. She's still alive but we aren't as close as we were but that strong emotional dependence on her was a phase, it passed ime.

YY springy daffs, we always have to hear about how all the families are enjoying their holidays don't we? Of course we are far from being in the minority but yet we are still ignored. It just largely washes over me now, although I do still find myself getting riled, despite my best efforts not to. I just find that I have to detach further and further. Possibly to my detriment socially; I don't know.

Thanks regarding the mum thoughts too. Funnily enough, I've been thinking that I won't be so upset when she dies. I feel so totally horrible for saying that, but I feel we've had enough quality time together now (she's 78), and I don't feel particularly emotionally dependent on her. I still have too many emotional hang-ups from my teenage years and how she was then (very different from now) to be too attached to her! (Sorry if that sounds callous). I also used to think she was a cool mum in that she never imposed her wishes for me on my sister on us, but in the past few weeks she's started making lots of comments about how her daughters have let her down and deprived her of grandchildren. I know she's joking, but it smarts. Because this is not how I wanted my life to turn out.

I meant Creative on the mum front (hard to scroll on this tablet), though I think we do naturally gravitate to those who love us when we're feeling lonely /bereft. I nearly said to my mum 'you're all I've got!' but managed to swallow it back in time.

I thing the 'shy' thing is one of the hardest things to overcome - I practically squirmed with embarrassment the first time I went to new classes or the dog centre - and had literally to force myself to stand still and make conversation with people!!

It helps if you have a couple of opening questions ready for meeting new people and even if you've got a (brief) introduction about yourself (you can rehearse it in advance too if makes you feel better!) - and after a while you'll be part of the furniture and new people will join and be trying to get to know you

Happy birthday Honourable! Hope you have a lovely day. That's a shame about the meetup group closing, great idea to start your own. I think that name would be fine, people would be able to find it easily by searching for your town name too.

Springy - that drives me mad too, it's so presumptuous and thoughtless. I read somewhere that nearly a third of households in the UK consist of just one person so it's not like being single is an unusual situation, but some people just don't think before they speak do they...

sparkle - that's a really great idea! I'm going to a new (to me) meetup tonight so will try and put those into practice

Have a good day, everyone!

I am supposed to be going to a meet up club for the first time next week. It is daunting, isn't it?

Yes these holidays are pure shit and sometimes I prefer to be in the safety and on the comfort of my own sofa ...

Yep survived the bank holidays! Wasnt too bad in the end. I luckily had a couple of things planned. Got to plan stuff for next week. My diary is becoming v useful! Essential even to make sure there's no big lily gaps.

Hello WiseOne! - absolutely daunting! Good luck with yours. I know what you mean about the sofa...

Well done, Rummikub! Glad you got through it and it wasn't too bad. Planning and diary-filling does seem to be the way forward!

I had been planning to go to a meetup last night but felt really down in the end and just couldn't make myself go... then of course was really annoyed with myself for not going

Honourable hope you enjoyed your Birthday, happy belated returns.

Sorry you felt down last night Matroyshka and didn't go to meetup. There will be other times when hopefully you will feel more like going. Hope you're feeling a bit brighter today.

Lovely weather which helps with the mood, seen a few friends and feeling ok . Am out on Saturday so haven't got that dread that I won't see anyone over the weekend. Hope everyone has some pleasant things lined up.

Against, so true, it does make things seem better when the sun comes out, doesn't it! Glad you've got something nice planned for the weekend. A friend just invited me round on Saturday night (o:

Hope everyone is doing well and has a lovely weekend x

Thank you for the birthday greetings, I've been really touched. Just checking in really; my sister was staying still yesterday but now she's gone back home and all the activities we did together I now have to do on my own again. But it was the kind of stuff you feel a bit more comfortable having someone with you, even if it's just wandering round the shops.

Anyway, hello all and I hope everyone is doing ok. Matryoshka I hope you had a good night last night. Against I hope you were able to make the most of the weather. It's been really windy and horrible here!

oldwise when is your meetup planned?

I'm back to work tomorrow after a week and a half off and I am really not looking forward to it! I will read the rest of the thread then properly too x

Not still yesterday; till. Duh.

Hello

I'm 30 years old and new to mumsnet, seems like a good place (are there many males here?)

I know and completely understand about the sad and loneliness part about life! it's story of my life! haha.

Anyway I am just here to offer some sort of help maybe or to just listen and offer my opinion/advice, I've not long turned 30 and after years of a crazy whirlwind life I like to think I want to make life style changes and I believe in Karma and doing good unto others.

How is everyone?

Hi Honourable, it feels weird sometimes after you've had someone staying and then the place seems a bit empty once they've gone, doesn't it! Hope work is ok and it wasn't too much of a shock to go back.

My Saturday was really nice thanks (o: Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

Oh yes, oldwise - do keep us updated on the meetup!

Welcome lovable! Sorry to hear you are in the same situation - hopefully we can give you some support I think there are a few males - I'm not a very seasoned MNer so am not sure how many.

Going off to the Meet Up this evening - it bloody better be worth it as I am giving up double Corrie and Eastenders !!!

Hi everyone,

Returned from Vegas for a birthday trip. Closed my front door and that was that. Back to reality.
Creative- great post, totally get the 'when your gone' 'thing. My parents near 80, + wont bé around long.

Just focusing on my Bike tour come longest day, rent flat out and onze I start I'll bé too busy to bé lonely.

With regards finding real friends, amongst my lot, I feel I'm saying stuff they dont wanna hear so I no longer talk to them. Knwon them 40 years too.

Hope everyone is ok

Hello, just joining the thread to add support.
I really do agree with those posters like springydaffs and zigazigah01 who talk about making an effort and planning like a project.
Many people have jobs where they are involved with structure, planning, organisation and analysis even if it is at the most simple level. However when it comes to their private life all these skills go out of the window.
Some people have a natural ability to make friends but most of us have to make an effort. Sometimes that "natural ability to make friends" actually hides a huge amount of planning and effort.
I was once told "if you don't get what you want, it's because you don't want it enough"
Good luck to everyone on your journey.

Haha WiseOne, you made me giggle there! Hope it WAS worth it

albal - Las Vegas sounds fun, did you have a good time? Sounds a good plan to focus on your bike tour, as you say keeping busy is the best way not to feel lonely. That's a shame about your friends, sometimes friendships do run their course don't they... it's a pity. I'm sure you'll meet some new friends though, maybe on the trip.

Thanks for joining in Gfplux, really sensible comments and that's a good quote, I'll try and remember that.

Hope everyone's having a good week! x

Well I'm really fed up and lonely tonight. I'd planned stuff for the last 2 evenings. Enjoyed those. But now I just want a hug :( I'm in whining mood sorry.