How much am I hurting myself with affair?

[needcake]

Please be assured I hate myself for having an affair before I start my message.

I have fought myself over my feelings and I'm certain I love him (personal issues prevented me knowing for a long time) and I'm certain he loves me (again through a long period of understanding what love is & believing) and last month we were about to make the step to being together, but he halted things because - extremely understandably - he couldn't leave his young DD as he's afraid he won't see her at all/much (access and distance he would move to be with me).

So now I'm afraid I've tricked myself into believing something that isn't real (though my head & heart both say it is, it's my fears) so I feel quite adrift. I can't not have him in my life, I can't let myself be strung along, what can I do? Obviously I've said I won't be used etc so I know he's not messing me round and we've just been friends since, but I want more. And by more I mean the package of intimacy and togetherness, not just sex as that was only a small part of our time together.

How much am I hurting myself allowing things to potentially indefinitely carry on as they were? Of course my fear is if I let him have his cake and eat it, there's no motivation for things to ever move forward, but being together at all is better than not. For the record, he knows none of my feelings about this and has said he is ok with friends as he just wants me in his life in any way. Just wondering what your thoughts were on me possibly allowing myself to hurt even more when I know that's probably what's going to happen?

I'd like to direct you to the "support thread - marriages in recovery" thread. 18 pages of hellish pain because our husbands f*ed someone else.

Youve done enough damage already.

Walk. Away.

Oh gosh, OP. I have witnessed two friends in a similar situation have nervous breakdowns. So my answer is: you are hurting yourself extremely much, and the longer you let this go on, the worse it will get. I am sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear but you probably have two choices: a lot of pain in the short term, or your entire physical and mental health on the line in the longer run.

For the record, he knows none of my feelings about this and has said he is ok with friends as he just wants me in his life in any way.

That sounds to me like he's not going to leave. I think you should cut him loose and not see him, even as a friend, because it will cause the painful feelings to recur.

What pocketsaviour said. I'm sorry but I have read enough on relationship forums in the last 3 years to know that that is often the story - they say they want to leave, they say they are going to leave and then they say they can't leave and no matter how long the OW waits...they just don't. They why's and the wherefore's don't matter in the end.

He's a cheating shitbag who wants to have his cake and eat it.

Why would you want him in your life?

He won't leave for the kids - probably will cite when they go to university as the time he will eventually leave because they'll be big enough. Then he won't leave because it would upset them to see their mum go through it.

Basically he won't leave, you don't have a future together. When you come to your senses and dump him he will find someone else to stroke his ego within a few months.

Wow. You are having an affair with someone married with a young child and your main concern is how much you are hurting yourself. You are also deluding yourself - he isn't going to leave, he is following the steps in this dance anyone not caught up in it could see that he would.

Erm, hurting YOURSELF?! You're bloody delightful.

All the best.

Longer, much more complicated story than this but in a nutshell, I was the mistress of a man I really loved for a few years. I believe wholeheartedly that he did love me (or as much as he could love anyone as he was very selfish). It was a lonely and terrible life. I did eventually have a nervous breakdown. You will too, most likely. His wife will, your husband will. You can't be friends. It won't work. Unfortunately the stuff about his DC is an excuse.

Please walk away. You can get over this before it becomes irreparable. I say this with love.

humanmagicmarker - perfect response to this post

You're hurting yourself a lot.

He's made his choice to stay with his wife. Friendship is only going to hurt. Back away, cut contact for your sake, for his wife's sake, for his DD's sake.

If he later contacts you with his finalised divorce papers in hand, great. Until then, nothing good will come out of it.

humanmagicmarker - you're right, I know you are. Not that it really makes a difference, but I feel I need to tell you he pursued me

cactusannie - married, 2 DC

shovetheholly - thank you for reminding me of that. You are also right, I have already made myself both over this. I did end it when I read a quote "let go of what is killing you, even if you think it will kill you" but he talked me round again (many, many times), only to halt things 6 weeks later.

pocketsaviour - yes I think you're right, he has said he will never leave me

Irianofway - yeah, that's my fear, even at the start but he managed to convince even cautious me it wasn't that way over & over, and then I fell in love and the affair started

fullpleatherjacket, worldgonecrazy, chchchangeabout, ASAS - good points. Everyone is hurting, I'm honestly not self centred though I understand why it appears that way, sorry.

Staircaseattheuniversity - thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it. I hope you're ok and have recovered from it now xx

Thanks for the replies, it's what I already knew so thanks for confirming iykwim.

You need to walk away

He has made it clear he isn't going to leave and keeping him in your life will only lead to more pain

I have known people who have made it work after starting as an affair but if you were both ready to take that step and he stopped it that tells you all you need to know.

It amazes me how people blame the OW, and not the DH for that decision. It feels very 1950s.

It was your DH who made the choice to stray. He was the one who broke the promises. The OW behaved crappily, but she owed you far less.

(I have never been an OW, and I have been cheated on, but I blame my exP far more than I would ever blame the other woman. He was the one who broke his promises).

And- I say this with love too- please get out of the headspace where you think you're different and this is different and its special. It's not, you're not. It's a massive cliche and likely to play out like these things always do.

Between you, you are hurting yourself, your children, his daughter, his wife, and your husband. If/when your marriage breaks up, that will probably hurt a wider circle of people.

Is it worth it?

Would you want to end your marriage if you didn't have this man around?

Would you want to end your marriage if you didn't have this man around?

Yes, it's trudged along dead for the past 13 years since my DH had an affair.

Shovetheholly - I'd venture it's the fact an OW often presents here on MN clearly looking for some sort of sisters unite/he's so so bad type support that riles most of us. Trust me, I'd happily tear any adulterous husband a new earhole also.

My husband had an affair. I discovered it; he denied it until I had irrefutable proof, and I threw him out. It was going on six months at that stage.

He did all the wrong things. He told me he wanted to reconcile while 'recovering' at the ow's apartment. He kept her hanging on for about two months, before telling me he was focused on us reconciling.

She has been left alone and bereft. She had asked him several times to move in with her, while we were married, and after the separation, when it was clear I was not taking him back.

Don't be that woman. She pinned her hopes and heart on someone who would leave work to be with her rather than see his four little children. What a waste of her love.

I hope you find happiness. I don't think you will find it with this man.

ASAS - You may be right. I'd happily join you in the new earhole department .

All sounds very dramatic and immature. I'm sure you feel this is the love affair I'd the century but it really isn't. Thankfully he loves his child more than you but still fancies a shag so drops the being friends is better than nothing at all. Ime you can't be true friends with someone when you want to have sex with them and friendships only work when BOTH parties have the same feelings.

You stayed after your husbands affair and that was your choice. I'd you can't forgive then leave him but don't break another woman's heart in the process, nor a small child.

Patonthehead - I'm so sorry you've had that hurt, I hope at the very least you personally have recovered from it, neither me or my marriage ever has. I really appreciate your honest objective viewpoint, thank you. I hope we both do! :)

I honestly didn't come on here expecting a positive, I have no one at all to talk to so I wanted all opinions, I already know it's stupid and wrong, so your viewpoints solidified my thoughts, and I do appreciate it. I will walk away, I know it's hurting me, I just needed someone else to support me.

Thank you.