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Original poster

How much am I hurting myself with affair?

105 replies

needcake · 24/03/2015 11:05

Please be assured I hate myself for having an affair before I start my message.

I have fought myself over my feelings and I'm certain I love him (personal issues prevented me knowing for a long time) and I'm certain he loves me (again through a long period of understanding what love is & believing) and last month we were about to make the step to being together, but he halted things because - extremely understandably - he couldn't leave his young DD as he's afraid he won't see her at all/much (access and distance he would move to be with me).

So now I'm afraid I've tricked myself into believing something that isn't real (though my head & heart both say it is, it's my fears) so I feel quite adrift. I can't not have him in my life, I can't let myself be strung along, what can I do? Obviously I've said I won't be used etc so I know he's not messing me round and we've just been friends since, but I want more. And by more I mean the package of intimacy and togetherness, not just sex as that was only a small part of our time together.

How much am I hurting myself allowing things to potentially indefinitely carry on as they were? Of course my fear is if I let him have his cake and eat it, there's no motivation for things to ever move forward, but being together at all is better than not. For the record, he knows none of my feelings about this and has said he is ok with friends as he just wants me in his life in any way. Just wondering what your thoughts were on me possibly allowing myself to hurt even more when I know that's probably what's going to happen?

OP posts:

Hobbitwife001 · 24/03/2015 15:27

So, OP after having the devastation of your DH's affair, and the damage it did to your marriage, you go and do the same thing to another woman?

Cause the same pain to someone else, and then come on here to complain how hurt you are? You are deluded and selfish, this is not the place to come for support for your actions.

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 15:28

The OP is to blame for the infidelity she is committing in her marriage, 100%.

The OM is to blame for the infidelity he is committing in his marriage, 100%.

That's what equality means. It is not equality to blame women for ruining other people's marriages. They only have responsibility for their own.

CunningCat · 24/03/2015 15:29

I'm with you Hobbitwife. What a selfish pair. Deserve each other

Christinayang1 · 24/03/2015 15:36

Hobbit

Me too, spot on

QuietTiger · 24/03/2015 15:38

Just to clarify, I wasn't the OW in this situation.

A very close friend of mine (male) had a long term affair with a female work colleague whilst he was married with 2 young daughters. Similar senario to the one you describe OP, he told the OW that "She was the one", "My wife doesn't understand me", "We never have sex", blah, blah, blah...

I knew the intimate details of everything, as he'd confide in me and navel gaze when we were on long shifts working together in a very stressful job. I knew the OW in question, also someone I worked with.

Friend was going to leave his wife for the OW, usual script, and then the wife he "never had sex with" unexpectedly got pregnant. He was given an ultimatum by the OW, either choose her and leave, or finish it. The OW was gambling on him leaving his wife.

He stayed with his wife and finished with the OW. He told the OW that he couldn't do it as the time wasn't right and he wanted to wait until his kids were older/had done their GCSE's/pick a text book excuse.

He told me (his close friend) that the OW wasn't worth loosing his kids over, or worth loosing his nice house and set up with his wife, and actually he didn't really love the OW either, even though she was a "damn good shag".

Knowing my friend, he was flattered by OW attention and instead of having the morals and decency to either end it with his wife before the affair started, or say no to the OW, he decided to have his cake and eat it.

What I think of his actions, is neither here or there, as I stayed out of it and didn't get involved in his personal life - his actions and the consequences were up to him. I did however refuse to lie for him to his wife and refused to act as an alibi. AFAIK, his wife knew of/found out about the affair and chose to work on her marriage, rather than him ending it with OW and his wife not finding out.

My very long winded point is; OW was completely screwed up over something that she thought existed and didn't. It affected her job dramatically (did I mention, he was her boss?), she was left hanging, hoping he would leave his wife, and she got very, very hurt and bitter. Whilst she was with him, she couldn't behave like friends around him, couldn't let on they were "partners", and was basically a sordid little secret for him.

I know he got off on the excitement - I think to a certain extent, the OW did too.

Seeing the destruction caused by both my friend and the OW to others, and themselves, I would say, like others, Walk away. Find someone who is single, can commit to you and you're not their "dirty little secret". You won't be able to be friends, OW tried it with my friend because they had to work together - eventually they both had to move departments because it was so awkward - for everyone.

Get a grip and let it go.

JonesTheSteam · 24/03/2015 15:42

They are both to blame for the damage they will do to the OM's wife and the OP's husband.

Yes they're the OM's vows to break, but your argument is that the fact she is hurting the other wife is irrelevant as she isn't married to her.

So much for morality and humanity, especially in light of the fact she knows what it's like to feel the hurt and devastation.

So if she were a single woman and still chose to shag a married man, he would still bear all the blame and she would be blame free? Really....

wannaBe · 24/03/2015 15:43

agree with Morris. the op is responsible for whatever hurt her affair causes within her own marriage.

All this "doing to another woman," is just bullshit. The op isn't doing anything to the om's dw - he is. don't see anyone on here blaming the om for what he is doing to the op's h - oh wait, that's because he isn't - the op is.

QuietTiger · 24/03/2015 15:45

JonesTheSteam - Not sure if you're responding to me, or a PP up the thread. Please could you clarify, as I agree with you.

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 15:48

Equality: I am all for it. Men have to keep their sex in their pants when they are away from their monogamous partner (of course if they are in an open relationship then this does not apply): I am all for it. Even my H who strayed is all for it. He was loyal for over twenty years- regardless of all the girls who wrote him nice poems and stuff- until he was away from home for months and I did not want to join him (because my priority are my kids and it would not have been good for them to move where he was)/ He lodged with a woman that I met when we visited him. And whether you want it or not she was after him. He eventually decided to have an affair with her - you see I put all the blame on him. I do agree with you: he is the one to blame for the pain he caused me. He should have said no. Especially that he was not that attracted by her. He moved away from her. She came after him again and again - she cried and supplicated and played the poor damsel woman in love (I got docs.) And the rest is history. Now his sex is to blame - her 'manipulation' did not help. And yes the OW are from my point of view the lowest beings on the feminine chain and the feminine chain is on a much higher level than male ones. I will make sure my sons will be on a higher level.
Kittens: I also know some men who dissolved their original relationship to be with their OW and the new relationship works well. These are the exceptions- not the rule. Besides often than not in these exceptions the original relationships were not happy ones, well before the OW appeared. It seems that this is not the case. The OP must focus on her kids and H and get over it. She is not a teen anymore.

JonesTheSteam · 24/03/2015 15:50

I was responding to morris, sorry...

And I'm sorry, but I think most people would not do this to someone else had they had it done to them. I actually find that quite disturbing..

wannaBe · 24/03/2015 15:53

jones anyone who gets involved with someone in a relationship should IMO question whether they want their name added to the destruction that will undoubtedly be caused.

But in truth the one responsible for the lies is the one who is telling them. And reality is that while we on mn can state categorically that the "dead marriage" lie is just a cliché, there is no real way of knowing whether that is or isn't the case.

All affairs involve telling lies and are not justifyable. But some affairs are just not as black and white as that, so if you're a single person or even someone like the op whose self esteem has been shattered through previous experience then you may well believe that things are as bad as they say, and in some cases they might be, in some they might not be, but only time and experience has the answer, hence why some people buy into the cliché. And sometimes the cliché happens to be a reality.

wannaBe · 24/03/2015 15:57

I read somewhere that the statistic for women who have been cheated on who then become an ow is actually quite high. And I personally know at least two people who did exactly that - partner left for an ow and they then became involved with mm within months of being cheated on themselves.

MrNoseybonk · 24/03/2015 16:08

Doesn't sound like OP will leave DH to be single.
Could be wrong but it sounds like she wants to hop from one relationship to another, with all the benefits that brings, including shared house, etc.

slithytove · 24/03/2015 16:13

End your marriage. Recover from that, get your kids through that.

Maybe OM will follow your lead. Maybe not.

Either way you will be happier surely? You are doing your whole family a disservice by cheating.

Does your husband think things are ok?

slithytove · 24/03/2015 16:15

Tell you what, had you left your husband for OM a few weeks ago as planned, it would have been hugely disrespectful to your family. Kids deserve the chance to mourn, to accept, to move on. were you intending on leaving them or bringing them to a home with a new daddy right away?

Viviennemary · 24/03/2015 16:25

Sounds as if he wants to continue with his marriage and his affair with you. A situation that will probably suit him very nicely but is not good to you. I don't buy this staying for his child lark, nor do I buy the just good friends. It's up to you what you do in the end. But what is the point of being a little bit of a part of somebody's life.

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 16:27

MrNosey, are you a man? you are the one who spotted the marital financial benefits of the OP. Madame Needcake is Madame Wants£££
As many will say I speak with 'cliches'- and they might be right! In some circumstances (stress- proximity- closeness at work or elsewhere etc) men might run with their little toy up for grab by almost any OW willing to play with it but, Lord do they know to protect their wallets and to keep it full for their beloved original relationship!

Jux · 24/03/2015 16:30

You are lying to yourselves and each other, and to your respective partners and children. Stop. Just stop.

JonesTheSteam · 24/03/2015 16:44

wannabe

Having read your last post I can see where you're coming from, and I accept I am wrong.

I guess if you've been through an affair some anger towards the OW (or OM) is only natural though. I certainly called her all shades of skanky soon after discovery, but DH had the brunt of my anger and I certainly felt as a married woman she should bear some of it. But you're right the blame for the affair's fallout in our marriage rests solely with my DH (and he accepts that) and she is responsible for her own marriage only.

I do probably still feel some anger towards the OW in my case, although having thought about it carefully I don't feel that it is for the affair itself any more. It's more resentment I guess that her life has carried on as 'normal' while DH and I have been through the mill, that she continued to attempt contact with DH for months after, even going as low as to send an anonymous email to his work address from a brand new account with a load of shit asking to be forgiven and that she never meant to hurt anyone. This arrived when I felt we were well on the road to recovery and caused a setback. I resent that she had a one night stand with a different colleague at the same event last year as the one the previous year where she shagged DH. That DH wasn't her first affair or her last. That she hasn't learnt from her behaviour and hasn't atoned, while DH really has. That she really has carried on as if the whole thing has had no impact on her life and yet she wanted to leave her DH for mine.

I should probably feel sorry for her if her life is as shit as she wanted DH to believe. And I should probably feel sorry for her that her self-esteem is so low that she needs to cheat serially on her DH in the hope that (like the OP?) she can just move onto someone else rather than have to be single. I can't though. I'm not that nice a person.

I shouldn't apply that anger to the OP though. And if her self esteem is that low, maybe I should feel sorry for her. Not sure I'm there yet.

guinnessguzzler · 24/03/2015 17:18

Jones, you're spot on. No one with good self esteem and happy in themselves would behave in that way. Hurt people hurt people.

LetsGoToTheHills · 24/03/2015 18:20

I'm afraid I've nothing helpful to say here, but as someone whose husband has had an affair who places the blame firmly at his door and no one else's, I do wonder how a married man with children who is prepared to do that can possibly seem attractive? They must do, as it happens (seemingly a lot), but why isn't such a blatant lack of moral compass a complete turn-off? Genuinely curious!