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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much am I hurting myself with affair?

105 replies

needcake · 24/03/2015 11:05

Please be assured I hate myself for having an affair before I start my message.

I have fought myself over my feelings and I'm certain I love him (personal issues prevented me knowing for a long time) and I'm certain he loves me (again through a long period of understanding what love is & believing) and last month we were about to make the step to being together, but he halted things because - extremely understandably - he couldn't leave his young DD as he's afraid he won't see her at all/much (access and distance he would move to be with me).

So now I'm afraid I've tricked myself into believing something that isn't real (though my head & heart both say it is, it's my fears) so I feel quite adrift. I can't not have him in my life, I can't let myself be strung along, what can I do? Obviously I've said I won't be used etc so I know he's not messing me round and we've just been friends since, but I want more. And by more I mean the package of intimacy and togetherness, not just sex as that was only a small part of our time together.

How much am I hurting myself allowing things to potentially indefinitely carry on as they were? Of course my fear is if I let him have his cake and eat it, there's no motivation for things to ever move forward, but being together at all is better than not. For the record, he knows none of my feelings about this and has said he is ok with friends as he just wants me in his life in any way. Just wondering what your thoughts were on me possibly allowing myself to hurt even more when I know that's probably what's going to happen?

OP posts:
FuckkityUp · 24/03/2015 12:06

Life's too short for this type of silly drama. I think you should dump the married cheating bastard immediately. (Don't bother with any post 'relationship' analysis either - just dump him)

Then I think you should either leave your DH or work out a way to make the relationship work. If you leave your DH then give it a good while until you start dating again.

Then get on and enjoy life again.

pausingforbreath · 24/03/2015 12:24

Needcake,
You are not only hurting yourself but deceiving yourself too.

My Dh had an affair ( I was totally unaware of). He and OW made plans for their future together, made their promises to each other - they were the real deal together.

He did come home and tell me all about his affair , they had planned it together and she had taken the week off for him to move in - when he was 'finally free of nut job me'.

Trouble was, I'm not a nut job , I'm a damn fine woman - I'm saying it myself here but there are many more around me that will far more complimentary than me about myself.

So, he told me , and I told him to sort his own shit out - he had made the mess & he ( not me ) would clear it up.

He refused to leave and go to her (as they had promised each other earlier).
Even though I held the door open and told him to go if they were the true love story- I certainly wouldn't be standing in the way of that; who could ???

I was really quite reasonable in the circumstances, OW was not, she got really quite unreasonable - some may say justifiably so considering the future my DH 'promised her'.

Need cake, for your sanity , please accept that if he is lying to his wife - he's lying to you too. He's already proved himself to be a liar. Betrayal doesn't only become betrayal when it's YOU he betrays FOR his wife and not the other way round.

Oblivious at the time that I was in a 'competition' I had nothing to loose. Ow definitely ( on paper ) should of come out as the 'winner'.
But then everything she had been told about me , was admitted to be lies.

Your whole relationship is based on lies and tears - how good can that be for anyone?

ChoochiWhoo · 24/03/2015 12:28

What a load of selfish, self indulgent arse crank......you and the horrible little mans feelings do not matter, what you've done is horrible.

Patonthehead · 24/03/2015 12:30

needcake

Thanks for your good wishes. There isn't really 'recovering' in this situation. Just coping daily with the fallout from someone else's shitty selfish decisions. I'm coping fine. But this isn't something that anyone - me, exh, ow, the children - will recover from. We will deal with it because we have to.

JonesTheSteam · 24/03/2015 12:45

So your DH had an affair and 13 years on you're now doing the same thing.

Knowing the pain (I assume) it caused you, you're doing the same thing to another married woman who will probably be devastated if she finds out.

Pretty shitty behaviour really. However bloody miserable I felt about my marriage I could never do that to another person, knowing how much pain they will be in when it all blows up.

pausingforbreath · 24/03/2015 12:46

Oh crap, just read the bit about your Dh having an affair 13 years ago...
FFS - what's this ; you proving to yourself that you've 'still got it' and could get a married man to betray his innocent wife - like yours did to you?

It's not an affair you need but possibly a therapist, lots more self worth and self esteem. What you're doing now isn't going to erase your original hurt but compound it and damage you further.

AuntieStella · 24/03/2015 12:56

I don't think you love 'him' simply because you don't know the real (lying) him, but rather the affair bubble version.

You need to let go of this fantasy. Otherwise you will be living a half life, waiting for someone who only exists in your imagination. You haven't even met the 'real' him.

Then you need to sort out your marriage. Your fantasy affair crutch may have stopped you from either restoring it to functioning, or ending it as irretrievably dead.

Reading your posts, I would say it's dead and it's time to end it. There may however be other factors you've not posted about, and you might want it to continue. That is often the much harder and more uncertain path, because you really do have to restore it to a proper, healthy relationship. And what you've said suggests that you are very far from that. Do you really want full commitment to your DH?

AnyFucker · 24/03/2015 12:56

I have read every word of your op, and nope not one mention of your husband.

yuk

wannaBe · 24/03/2015 13:13

Op the relationship is over, now what you need to do is to end your association with this man.

Whenever a relationship ends without that being what we want it is natural to cling to the thought that perhaps you can be friends, that being friends is better than having nothing at all. But reality is that being friends just reminds of what you had and what you lost, and will prevent you from moving forward. The only way to get past this is to cut all contact. Delete his number, don’t reply to any texts in fact block him if you can, and don’t speak to him ever again. If he tries to come back tell him that he’s made his choice and you respect that, now it is up to him to make his marriage work but you want no part of it.

People have affairs, it happens, and often an affair is symptomatic of something else wrong in the marriage, but while that may go some way to explaining why some affairs happen it doesn’t in any way justify it.

You are now outside of the parameters of the affair, and now is the time for you to look to yourself to change your actions and make the right decisions for yourself.

If your marriage is unhappy then end it. If you were prepared to end your marriage some weeks ago for the Om then nothing’s changed – just because the Om is no longer there doesn’t take away the reasons for your marriage to end.

It’s not wrong to end an unhappy marriage op. Whatever the reasons why you don’t want to stay with your h, you are entitled to end the marriage. But ending the marriage for someone else will not bring you happiness. You won’t be running out of an unhappy marriage into blissful happiness with the Om – you’ve never lived together; never had a proper relationship; your plans to be together have been built on if-only. And in the background you’ll be faced with the other people caught up in your reasons – not just your ex’s and children, but other people who will find it hard to reconcile what you’ve done. Friends and family who will take the side of your ex over you; family who will be shocked that you could do it; people who will refuse to accept you, and possibly even resentment from your children if they’re old enough to realise.

Yes some affairs go on to become long-term relationships, but it takes time, years even, of uncertainty, resentment, blame and judgements even from people who don’t know you. Are you prepared for that? Is your relationship with Om strong enough to see out the next two, three, five years until you can be sure that you’re solid?

End your marriage now and all you will have to rely on is your own strength to move forward with your life. If Om is the one then his marriage will end in time for its own reasons – none of which should include you – and time will bring you together. But that should be based on clean breaks on either side and not on a foundation of lies and deception.

sourdrawers · 24/03/2015 13:33

I too was mistress to married man - 25 years ago. 5 years of tears, disappointment, let downs and pain of huge proportions. Followed by miscarriage (me in hospital on my own, in foreign country), him pissing off, nervous breakdown and therapy for another 5 years. Walk away now OP!

Christinayang1 · 24/03/2015 14:03

How do your dh and dcs feel about your uncontrollable love for this man?

mojitoplease · 24/03/2015 14:11

I'm sorry, I have little - no sympathy for people who have affairs. If you do suffer, then in my eyes you deserve it. I'm not saying it to be nasty, but what goes around comes around, as they say.

My only concern is for the innocent parties. Your husband, his wife and of course, the DC. I hope they come out of this unhurt/undamaged, but I seriously doubt that will be the case.

worserevived · 24/03/2015 14:17

Tell your DH and let him decide his own future. You don't have the right to play with his life, any more than he had the right to play with yours. You chose to stay with him though, and equally he should be able to chose whether he wants to stay with you. I hazard he'll not. Men seem to find it easier to drop their families and move on, and quicker to find someone new. How will you feel when he does that? Would it take the shine off OM, and his inability to commit to anyone other than himself?

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 14:21

OP, you know yourself this affair has no future. It's self torture to continue with it but only you can break that cycle. You won't know peace or happiness while you continue with a man who is unavailable, behind your husband's back.

But I don't agree with the majority on here that women are to blame for men cheating on their wives. Their husbands have to take responsibility for that one, blaming women is a shitty throwback to bygone age. Men's sexual behaviour is their own lookout.

Christinayang1 · 24/03/2015 14:27

No one is minimizing the mans role in infidelity however the op is talking about her role, therefore we are responding to that

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 14:37

Of course they're minimizing it. They're saying 'You've done enough damage' and 'look at the other thread and see how much pain you've caused'.

She is cheating on her husband, and bears total responsibility for that. She hasn't done anything to anybody else's marriage, only the two people in that marriage can do that.

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 14:40

On this one I am with AnyFucker: no mention of your H or kids in your OP,
Madame Needcake.
MorrisZap: read carefully and you will see that the male betrayer is OK to leave it at the friendship threshold and took into account his child (at least mentioned him/her) whilst the female betrayer wants more (break-up of two family units) and do not mention her H or kids. Not that the male betrayer appeals to me- or that I diminish his responsibility. I agree that men's sexuality is their own lookout but with the weakest (wicked) links in the women' chain (the OW- here the OP) they would not have gone far with it .
Madame Needcake, you ignore all the kids involved and the betrayed woman (few of us here know what it feels like to have an OW on the heels and something else of the dad of our kids.) You do not need cake you need heart and brains.

HootyMcTooty · 24/03/2015 14:48

Your post sounds exactly like every other affair thread I've ever read. You and ON are walking cliches, but you think you're different, star-crossed lovers and all that shit. I'm afraid this sounds like every other grubby little affair I read about here. He wants his wife and family at home and you to massage his ego and make him feel like the big man.

I'm sorry for what your DH did to you, but really you need to find a way to be happy, it sounds like neither DH or OM will bring you happiness.

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 14:56

MaMa that's just gymnastics to place the OW in the traditional evil role. She is not the weak link in his marriage. And he has not demonstrated moral strength, he has shagged another woman and now wants her in his life ie as a booty call.

IrianofWay · 24/03/2015 15:01

I agree with you morris. The person in the marriage bears responsibility for the marriage.I would never blame an OW/OM for damaging a marriage. I think in most cases the person they hurt most is themselves. I'd still find their behaviour questionable - unless you believe every individual is a little island of morality with no interest in anyone else.

MrsGPie01252 · 24/03/2015 15:04

I'm gutted that you've 'chosen' to fall in love with a married man knowing the pain and upset that is caused when your own husband had an affair. I'd like to think that that is the last thing I would 'allow' myself to do after my husband walked out on my and my 3 kids after 15 years for a young babe in the office.

Relationships aren't easy. They can 'trudge' along sometimes. But rarely ALL THE TIME. It's easy to focus on the doom and gloom when something falls apart but ultimately a strong relationship takes effort and the will to fight through the bad times. For one, I hope this man can fight his selfish urges and step up to becoming the husband and father he bloody should be and I hope he leaves you alone to find someone who can give you the love you deserve.

A relationship built like this rarely has a happy ending. Could you ever trust him? Are you ready to be a step-mum to a child who will feel animosity towards you? Will he be miserable and blame you for not seeing his child sometimes? It's worth considering the bigger picture here because the HARD part hasn't even started yet...

MaMaof04 · 24/03/2015 15:10

AS you please MorrisZapp- You want to believe that men are responsible for affairs- believe it! I believe that from the evolution point of view men are still more dominated than women by their primary desire (sex for sex-sake) and that women are much more emotionally and socially developed. The OW is wickedly using her social skills to take advantage of their primary brain (between their legs) but once sex is satisfied and their ego sufficiently stroke then they know to use their brains (brains now up in their head) to preserve the family unit. Often married men indulge in affairs with women they would have not gone out with had not they had the security of their marriage behind them. Just have a look at the OW in famous cases: less attractive (either physically or as a personality) than their wives.

kittensinmydinner · 24/03/2015 15:16

If this truly is the overwhelming love affair you believe it to be (and I am not saying it's not) then nothing will stop him from wanting to be with you. Shut the door and do not open it until he has a divorce decree in his hands. Men/women do leave there wives/husbands and children to be with another, it happens everyday. These are not men who love their children 'less'. It means they are honest enough to tell their OH that they no longer want the relationship. If he really feels for you what you believe him to feel, then this will spur him on to end his marriage. If he doesn't then you know he didn't feel the same. But to do nothing and keep seeing him is guaranteed the fasted way to wreck your mental health and destroy all those around you. Time to put your big girl pants on ! And I say that as an OW who married her OM nearly three decades ago.

MorrisZapp · 24/03/2015 15:18

Lol MaMa, your reasons for blaming women sound like something from a bonkers religious pamphlet from 1945 to me. I see men and women as equals, and men's marriage vows or relationship commitments to be as important as women's.

Men can run the world but they just can't say no to sex outside their family unit. You have to be kidding me.

Christinayang1 · 24/03/2015 15:25

Morris

Why so aggressive?

If you want equality then both parties that enter into infidelity must be equally to blame. Of course the dh is wrong, of course he owes his family and wife but the op is on here therefore people are responding to that

What's wrong with saying read the other thread...she should , as should every other person that decides to cheat when in a committed relationship

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