How much am I hurting myself with affair?

[needcake]

Please be assured I hate myself for having an affair before I start my message.

I have fought myself over my feelings and I'm certain I love him (personal issues prevented me knowing for a long time) and I'm certain he loves me (again through a long period of understanding what love is & believing) and last month we were about to make the step to being together, but he halted things because - extremely understandably - he couldn't leave his young DD as he's afraid he won't see her at all/much (access and distance he would move to be with me).

So now I'm afraid I've tricked myself into believing something that isn't real (though my head & heart both say it is, it's my fears) so I feel quite adrift. I can't not have him in my life, I can't let myself be strung along, what can I do? Obviously I've said I won't be used etc so I know he's not messing me round and we've just been friends since, but I want more. And by more I mean the package of intimacy and togetherness, not just sex as that was only a small part of our time together.

How much am I hurting myself allowing things to potentially indefinitely carry on as they were? Of course my fear is if I let him have his cake and eat it, there's no motivation for things to ever move forward, but being together at all is better than not. For the record, he knows none of my feelings about this and has said he is ok with friends as he just wants me in his life in any way. Just wondering what your thoughts were on me possibly allowing myself to hurt even more when I know that's probably what's going to happen?

04 what is your definition of feminism? I'm not too clear on what this has to do with feminism, "My daughters are studying to be engineers although they excel in art and music" let alone all of the guff about OW being a subhuman species and poor men just victims of their own rampant sexuality.

and who do everything they can to woo them- either because their biological clock is ticking or because they can't be alone for any reason. OP belongs to this group. She does not want to take the risk to separate so as not to be on her own - because of monies or because she cant be alone or for whatever reasons- but she wants to break the marriage of the OM to avoid taking any risks on her own.

This all supposition. It's your opinion. The Op has not said this.

And please- don't post silly things about feminism being the ability to study what used to be traditional male subjects ( ie engineering or sciences) . I hope you have not insisted your daughters study a subject that is dominated by men in the hope of making them into 'feminists'. I suppose you would say that Tracey Emin is not a feminist because she is an artist ?

And as for women being able to control their urges more than men can...

I suspect that you live in a culture that is male dominated- possibly the middle east- where such views are prevalent.

pink:
1- true I assumed that the OP does not want to move out of her marriage because she is afraid to do so. But it remains true that she does not want to move out of it and dream that the other married man will break up his family to move with her. You support this. I do not. Before feminism I praise humanism and fairness. It remains true that she is still with her husband whilst nurturing teens dreams. If she is afraid to divorce then she must find out why, find a job etc; but if the marriage is Okayish and she wants to remain married then she must learn to be grateful to her husband for the security (as defined by MrNo) he gives her.

2- I never promoted supremacy of males- you do promote supremacy of females. I can imagine what you would have done to OP had she be a 'he'.
I am aware of biological and emotional differences. That does not mean I want to give in them and allow males promiscuity. It is up to all of us to raise kids and build a society that will give the same rights to each of us, and that will bind ach of us by the same duties- a society that can even allow monogamous relationships to prosper if this the wish of both partners. Knowledge is power. We must know better the motives of men an women in any setting to be able to promote a harmonious society.

3- feminism is first of all about the ability to be financially independent. As Simone de Beauvoir said independence starts from your purse. My society is extremely liberal; it pretty much runs around mothers' needs (nurseries- schools etc) and promote a 'feminine feminism' if you do not mind. We like being beautiful, attractive to men and financially independent.
4- I do not want my daughters to ever have to engage or stay in a relationship because they can't financially allow themselves to move out of it or live on their own. 'Les Grandes Ecoles D'Ingenieur' will allow them to be financially independent. They love it by the way in these schools. Art and Music will be their hobby. When my sons will finish high schools I will also make sure that they will get some useful diploma/degree or that they will work. (My daughters worked first to get their own monies before going to Uni.)
Now about Art: you know it is a matter of taste - I do not like Emin T. She makes a lot of monies. That is sure. But so what? I do not like what she 'creates' and she is miserable. I do not want my kids to be miserable. I want them (all of them- boys and girls) to have a decent job and life. As a feminist I would have quoted other artists I admire- e.g. Kate Bush.

Life is crap sometimes. For everyone. OP, OW & MW or not, is still a human being with real feelings that must be hurting like hell for her to post in the first place.

He's probably using you OP, it's just the way it is. Probably not on purpose, but ultimately for very selfish reasons.

If you're not happy in your relationship with your husband, move on. It's kinder to everyone, you included. Leave MM to his own devices and make a happy life for yourself if you can - the way you're doing it now is just a big bowl of misery. Find someone nice - nice enough to not cheat on anyone for any reason - it's never justified. If they can justify doing it to someone, then they can do it to you too as you're just another human being.

Please walk away from it all. Don't still be involved when the fallout comes - and it will. I've been there (in the DWs position) and it's horrendous all around.

Blimey MaMa, you're a feminist? Yet you think women should police men's sexual behaviour. Okaaay.

I'm not sure where all the stuff about finance is coming from either. Sure, all adults should be financially independent. But if we all got a cheque for a million quid tomorrow there'd still be as many of us getting our kicks outside our primary relationship.

Or do rich people stay faithful? I'm not sure what your theory is.