how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

[trialsandtribs]

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks

I guess I just don't want my DC

Op your instinct is right, it isn't your job to provide for his girls they have two parents for that as does your ds. Your job is to put ds first and protect his interests.

Massive red flag that dp thinks he has any say in your son's education.
I don't think you can ever have complete equality in step families of course each partner has their own kids best interest as a priority.
In our case dp pays to my account a share of bills and rent that leaves us with roughly equal spending money after maintenence for his ds. Anything for my ds comes out of my spends so swimming lessons, day trips, nice clothes savings. If dp or his ex wanted any of those things for dss that's their business and not mine.
So here things can be pretty unequal. But even if we made things equal in our house that would make things unequal in dp ex house as her older son never had swimming lessons or expensive shoes.
By your dp logic my son shouldn't have decent clothes or go to clubs because a kid I don't even know ( dp exs ds1) didn't have them and it's unfair.

t

thanks for all the responses here.
I'm not going to go into all the recent debates about hard done by step children apart from to say that I have realised my DS has been getting the short straw a little bit as I have stepped in a lot with the girls and DP hasn't as much (or anywhere near) with my DS... and I haven't called him on it...
Until now!!

Had some good conversations with DP this week about how we potentially manage finances if and when we move in. At the moment I am thinking we ringfence the equity in my house at the moment and then re: other money we have 4 'pots', a household pot (i.e. everyday), an 'us 5' pot (to save for things for us all, eg hols together etc) and then him and I keep the rest of our money and he can save for his kids and me for mine. We discussed whether he would put in more to the "us 5" pot as he has 2 kids although neither of us really had a strong view.

I have been able to articulate my point that we can't treat all the kids equally very well thanks to the examples here and he has been really understanding of things. It's been good being able to give him some of the examples mentioned here to explain why it is totally impractical to try and make kids with only one parent in common and not the same resident home have the same lives.

I don't think he ever had bad intentions. I have also told him he needs to stop talking about certain things to the girls (they feel abandoned, they feel they've lost dad, i don't get as much time with them so at weekends i want to give them attention whereas i see your ds in the week) and start doing things.... eg. i said about a year ago that I thought his DD (7) would benefit from counselling and him and his ex talked about it, agreed it would be good, DP told his ex he could get it for dd on his private healthcare if the GP referred her and then nothing happened. I told DP that it's a bit pointless talking about how his DD feels abandoned when they could do something about that (eg. counselling). He said that his ex hadn't got the appointment to have her referred so i said "well you're her dad, why don't you arrange it" and he said "Great Idea". I genuinely just don't think he would have thought of it. duurrrrr.

Equally he recently changed jobs and I suggested he go part time so he could see more of his kids but he chose to take the job and further his career. So I have told him whilst I understand how he misses the kids he can't sit and mope cause he doesn't see them much cause he had an opportunity to see them more and chose his career. (which i have no issue with btw, i just think he has to take responsibility for that choice.)

I've told him I want to be understanding of all the children but that we can't pander to the girls as I genuinely think the 7 year old "uses" the divorce to get what she wants.

Anyway - i think the channel of communication is good and i feel much more confident that I am not being an awful "stepmum" by saying what I am saying. I also thank you as I think you have helped me see that i have been overcompensating with the girls as "it must be hard for them" and now I am going to focus on my DS more, and tell DP he needs to step up his dadding skills!!!!

You suggested he go part-time? And then tell him he chose his career over seeing his kids?

You are still putting him before you and your needs. How is he supposed to support himself and his kids if he goes part-time? Via you bankrolling it?

He's an adult with two kids to support. They are his responsibility. When we are adults we don't get to just start up businesses or jack in work when we have kids to support.

Stop mollycoddling this man, trying to rescue him or fixing his problems and start working on you and why you feel the need to hang onto relationships.

Don't move in with this guy. If you are desperate for another baby, have it on your own or co-parent with a gay man or couple. Far less expensive than a pet man whom you have to bankroll on top of his kids.

Quit talking about moving in and finances for now and work on your self-esteem and putting your son first.

His issues with his divorce are just that. His responsibility to work on, on his own two feet.

At present you are trying like hell to fit a square peg in a round hole.

He earns £120k and I don't give him a penny! How is suggesting he goes part time offering to bank roll him? Sorry but I don't understand that

Incase it's relevant I also work part time and find the balance of life and Quality time with DS is well worth the career compromise / less pay

Well, for starters, you say you spend a lot of money on his kids as it is. He goes part time and that will be more.

I don't recall saying that... I pick up bits and pieces for them If I am getting for DS and we are together that wkend (eg stickers etc) and I often buy them bits of clothes but anything over a fiver I usually ask for! I honestly don't think he's a cocklodger or a guy who doesn't pay his way... I just think he's someone who thinks we should have one family pot for all "our" collective kids... And I see it differently!

take your point on rescuing him! I do do that (and not just with him!)

It changes everything now you tell us he earns £120k and you earn a similar amount. Surely you both have far more choices on how to provide for and educate your children than the average person. Surely he doesn't need to depend on you and your money?m

He doesn't depend on me! That was near my statement. My question was really about whether I should save for his kids education (resounding no). I assume the amount of money we earn doesn't later that principle?

Never my statement!

Not near :)

It doesn't change whether you should pay for his DDs' education, but it certainly puts into perspective the fact that he's not struggling to get by. I don't know how much private school costs, but I had a vision of him being on a low income and feeling that he couldn't provide adequately for his DCs while you were living the life of Riley.

You still need to be on the same page wrt finances, but it sounds like your chat has helped to get that on track.

trialsandtribs sounds like you are making great progress without tearing your relationship apart.

Why do you need to 'save' for his children's education when you are both such high earners? I don't understand.

Because 3 kids at private school = approx £45k a year for which you need almost all of one of our salaries... So all possible

I'm not sure you can ever really blend families and sort out all the financial stuff.
but ignore the red flag wavers

I think you are trying to create the perfect arrangement and it doesn't exist, especially in view of the fact , and I don't mean this unkindly at all, you both have failed at the conventional uncomplicated ( mum, dad, kids ) family set up.

fwiw I have a blended family situation and it is very hard. DP , I love him dearly , criticises some aspect of how I discipline my children. I remain quiet about how he indulges his kid who lives with their mum. there is a lot of put up and shut up , but I do pay all the bills and our finances are separate .

If he earns that much, surely he can decide if he wants to make the longterm commitment to putting his dc through public school? Plus all the other costs of scholl trips, activities etc? You don't even live together. Let him arrange with their mother their education.

You have one ds and an ex dh who has plans for your Ds..your new dp sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. What if you split up? What about the money you have spent? Will your ds mind, when he's older and these dc have had his inheritance?

I don't understand why pooling money to fund his dc education is so necessary. Plus uni? Weddings? Houses?

You are trying hard to make a happy family. Your dp is trying to keep his dc happy as he feels he has abandoned them.

You say you know you're a people pleaser. Well, make it so you don't get taken advantage of. Ring fence assets. Ensure you and your ds have time together alone with him as the focus of your attention.

If your dp earns that sort of money, he must be time poor. How is he making time for his dc? It's a luxury, going p/t. He'll be able to pick up the housework etc:)

Does he miss his girls or does he miss the convenience of seeing them at his convenience. He sounds parentally immature and I do wonder if he sees you as the person to pick up his parental slack. You are not the primary parent of his girls and he can't shift responsibilities onto you where ultimately have no jurisdiction.

He got divorced, it changed things, not just his relationship with his children but with his Ex as well. Your job isn't to parent his parenting, assuage his guilt or the default path of least resistance when avoiding difficult conversations with his Ex.

His earlier preference for parity and lack of pro activity regarding his daughter's counselling, makes him appear lazy rather than stupid.

Be very careful that he doesn't view your support as an assumption of his parental responsibility.

I would not be planning babies with a man so immature/ lazy, no matter how nice he appears.