how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

[trialsandtribs]

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks

I guess I just don't want my DC

I have 2 kids, dh has 3 and none together. My ex pays a minimal amount for my kids. Dh pays everything and wants to write wills treating all 5 equally. This is because he believes as we are married, it's OUR money. I have told dh I feel uneasy about this but he feels strongly about it. But even HE would draw the line at paying for their education- he has his own to pay for.

Bollocks to your partner getting a say in where your child goes to school. My dh's attitude to sharing money is his personal choice. In all honesty if I was in his position, it wouldn't be mine. And if I was in your position, it 100% wouldn't be mine. As a previous poster said, if 8 or so years down the line you really feel as one family with 3 children, by all means blend your finances. But now? Not a chance.

'He says it's really insulting that I'd think he was after my money. I understand that totally but it's a bit like a will... I don't think I'm going to die but if I do I want to make sure that everything goes where I want it to'

Another alarm bell. A rational, reasonable response is, 'Of course you want to protect the best interests of your child, same here!'

'We want to move in together because we love eachother and we want to build a life together'

To him, that means you compromise how you parent a child who does not belong to him. Always. In favour of two children who are not related to him.

Big compromises.

How does your ex feel about this? That decisions regarding his child will now be made in part by your partner?

Because I would be fuming and would seek legal advice to get further custody of him as I would feel his best interests were being compromised by his mother's romantic intentions.

You move him in and you will soon find yourself paying more and more. He pays you rent as a domestic partner and that could have some serious ramifications legally.

You need to see a solicitor before even considering moving this person in.

I thought pre-nups had no legal standing in the UK? Ring-fencing what you put into a house purchase is possible, however, I believe.

What Expat just said- spot on advice.

Run!

You are responsible for one child here. The fact that dp and exw can no longer afford private schooling yet feel comfortable dragging you into their issues via tears and tantrums is a red flag. Both sound immature in that respect and the fact that you feel the need to step in is an unhealthy dynamic.

How is your dp a bonus to your ds in this scenario? I just see downside risk for ds.

You need to detach your head from your heart here and see a solicitor and get some advice because once he gets his feets under the table it could end up costing you . . . a very great deal.

Even as an unmarried partner.

And you are already happily subsidising his children, by your own admission, a lot.

Expat is spot on with her advice. Protect yourself. Naivity and love are no excuse for risking your financial future with a dp who
Is merrily dividing your savings and income up for his own benefit and telling you how to educate your child not even for the benefit of your ds but for his daughters.

That is truly awful there is no excuse for that behaviour.

I think a lot of guff about blending families are used by men to convince women to risk the financial future for the sake of their dp. Mm always advocates putting the child first but often this can distract from the issue.

Your only priority is your child. His daughters have two healthy loving parents. It is not your job to subsidize the effect of his divorce. If I was your ex I too would be very unhappy.

Also all money in one pot is workable in a first marriage but in a second marriage with children it is extremely unfair and IME is only advocated for by the parent of the child that benefits.
I would not move in with this man at all.

My DH talked like that - all one pot - every kid treated the same.

A few years' in I realised that it's just nonsense. All kids not treated the same - a stay at home mum while I worked to help support it all. Double holidays, two houses so they had rooms at both parents, we supported with full maintenance and then created a complete second home at ours.

Yes sadly they had divorced parents, but they still had two parents that made choices for them. I didn't make the choices. It took a while to unravel.

DD going to private school in Sept - SC's went state. Their mother never worked since the day she got pregnant. My view - different mothers, different choices. End of.

You are not their mother - trust me, you'll be told that one way or another over the years. Not appropriate to take the financial responsibility.

So many helpful comments here.
I said a lot of this to my DP... Eg, if I lost my job and couldn't pay for DS to go private and his ex married a millionaire and said she wanted her kids to go private she would be (quite rightly) outraged if DP suggested they shouldn't because I couldn't afford for my DS to be educated privately. "Different mothers, different choices" is spot on. Equally my parents have spoken in the past about helping with school fees if needed. They only have one grandchild and would be (again understandably) quite shocked if I said I wasn't going to give DS the best opportunity cause my DP and his ex couldn't afford it for my SC.

DP occasionally says maybe he should buy an investment property "for the girls future" but doesn't include my DS in that... I brought that up when we had a brief convo this morning and he said "how do you know I don't mean for your DS too" I said "because you say "my girls"" and he just went quiet. I often think about the 3 kids (eg getting them the same stuff for holidays as ex won't let us use "her" clothes and buying 3 of something) whereas he does naturally just think of his girls. I've called him on it a couple of times and he either is mortified (eg. Popping out to poundland and coming home to mine with something for the girls and nothing for DS) or he feels attacked. He's getting a new company car and is talking about getting TV screens on the seats. I think this is ridiculous but he says "I promised my girls". I asked how many he was thinking of and he admitted that he's been thinking of 2 as the girls will be the ones being ferried round in the car (I live 40mins from their mum.) I think if we are planning to live together and he's thinking of that sort of thing for the kids he should get 3... Or be thinking of 3 and ask me to pay for one.

I did say this morning that I feel me and DS are supposed to open our home, our bank account and our life but what do we get back? Said that I give a lot to the girls (not just financially but time, energy, emotionally) and I feel DS is short changed as DP just focuses on his girls... I mean he obviously talks to DS but he doesn't get the same level of attention whereas I make an effort to split myself 3 ways.

I feel really sad about it all today

I can see both sides.

You don't want your DP to siphon off funds that would benefit your own child and you are justified in that feeling.

He on the other hand does not wish to be part of a household - financially and emotionally which is supporting a certain standard of living and privilege for one child but his children by default will become very much the poor relations. I can see his POV also and I'm also sure that if he were a woman posting a thread, he would get a lot of support.

There seems to be no way forward other than either one of you gives in or you keep things how they are.

trials, when people show you who they are, believe them. And he is and has. Do not move him in. This could severely jeopardise your and your son's financial well-being and honestly, your relationship with your ex because again, if I were the NRP and learned that my child's well-being was being compromised by the RP's partner, I'd take legal action.

He is not about blending anything but your money to further his life and children.

At the very least, see a solicitor, because whodrank is right, all in one pot doesn't work with second families a lot of the time, and certainly not in this case.

He puts his girls' interests first. That is natural. But it is not your duty to find that and certainly not at the expense of your own child.

I would give the same advice if he were a woman posting her and most people would.

And 'giving in' means compromising the parenting of the OP's son. That is not on. That is for the two parents to decide, same as with the boyfriend's children - they have two parents. It also can have serious legal ramifications for OP's financial well-being.

Is there even a future here then?
I'm feeling really worried I'm wasting time with the wrong guy.

I say again for everyone saying they see dp point of view and wondering if the genders were reversed that is all well and good but how is this beneficial to the op and her son.

If we agree a stepparent is a bonus parent, a nice extra. How on earth is it beneficial for ops ds to lower his standard of living and take away educational options for the sake Un related children who live elsewhere. The dp has consistently demonstrated that his drive for equality is a one way street for his own daughters.

Don't move in with this man he cannot even match his equality talk with actions in this honeymoon phase. And if he were a woman the same would apply. You prioritise the child you have parental responsibility for. Your child's only champions are you and your ex. Abdicating that responsibility in his primary home for a dp who is only prioritising his biological children is foolish and wrong.

It's entirely possible to have a fulfilling relationship without moving in together or combining finances. Just a, 'I'm not in a place just now to move in,' should suffice. Anyone who pushes it might not be for you, however.

Honestly, the whole not being to have a sensible discussion about money and seeing a pre-nup as insulting in this situation is a real red flag.

This can still work - you just need to take your time and keep talking. Blending families is incredibly complex and I'm guessing that neither of you have done this before.
Sounds like your DP just hasn't thought through any of this in detail and wanted to reproduce the set-up he had the first time he was married where everything was shared.
He sounds like a good man, so you 'll get there in the end.

God it sounds far more trouble than it's worth. Can't you continue the relationship as you are ie presumably separate homes, separate finances.

You really can't treat all children the same. And to extend it as far as they all have to be schooled in exactly the same way is ridiculous and unrealistic.

I would be horrified if my exh moved in with someone and they insisted my dc were to be educated privately. What she does with her kids is up to her. What I do with mine is up to me (and exh if he cared enough to have an opinion.)

Why do you need to move in together? If you know you love each other, are committed and doing the best by your respective children then what are you trying to prove and to whom?

Expat is right. Moving in is not sensible and the manipulation at play here "tears and tantrums" from dp and allegedly his exw and the fact that you feel it is your role to smooth it over indicates to me that dp is none too "d". There are four adult parents in this set up but only two are taking full financial responsibility for their children . Your dp is prepared to take from your ds and risk upsetting your relationship with your ex for his daughters and his exw would probably accept whatever was offered from this arrangement.
I am concerned that you would still be manipulated even with separate homes. I mean ffs investment properties for his daughters. run and don't look back.

He actually had the brass neck to say these things to you before you moved in. Imagine the demands when he has his feet under the table.

Reading this with Interest, as I grew up in a step family (more than one set-its complicated!) and this makes me realise how much simpler it was for us, as there was no money at all, ex partners were not involved much and no one was going to private school! We were all equally poor.
Anyway, OP, in your situation, I would hold off moving in for now and really sort out what you both want.
From what you have written you sound totally reasonable, and with good intentions toward your step daughters, whereas your dp doesn't seem to think much about his stepson, who will actually be living with him!
Personally, the impact on my child, whether emotionally or financially, would be a massive consideration on deciding whether to live with a man. The man would have to bring, as others have said, a bonus, be an extra, kind, involved and caring adult in my child's life.

middle I really disagree with you. He is a good father to his children and a selfish partner to the op.

Being a good parent does not make you a good person. I think mn hive mind often states in stepparenting relationships that if the dp is a good parent he is a good partner. That is not always the case and is very bad advice for the op in this instance. The op and her ds are not a means for her dp to act out his super dupa parenting of his daughters. Their needs matter and ds needs are the priority to op as it bloody well should be.

He hasn't had tears and tantrums about money... I just chose not to discuss it last night as he was feeling down about missing his kids and was having a bit of a cry about that.

The comments about him only looking out for his own kids really hit a nerve as I do think he does this. Maybe cause he knows DS will be financially "safer" as he has two sets of gparents with a bit of cash and a mum who's deliberately made career choices for he benefit of Ds. His kids by contrast have less financially well off gparents and a mum who hasn't changed jobs in 15yrs. So from the outset it isn't level.
I did say to him "what would happen if DS dad and grandparents wanted to pay for him to go private? It would be totally unreasonable to say no because we couldn't afford it for all 3". It just doesn't make sense to assume all should have the same. Tbh I think this comes from a place of him feeling guilty cause he left his kids. His view is if he were with ex they'd have been able to afford it with a lot of compromises so why should kids miss out cause parents are separated. I agree with that in principle but it grates when I am told that "we" might have to make compromises as I'm in a place where I've worked on my career for a long time and saved a lot and I don't really want to make compromises for someone else's kids... There i said it. Flame me!! Tbh if we had custody I might feel differently but at the moment I don't.

But there are tears and tantrums

Tears about missing his kids shut down tricky conversations before they start

Tantrums when he his called out on the fact that he is prioritising his daughters over your ds. Op you said he feels attacked and is offended

Also don't feel guilt. If dp and exw were that concerned about the material comfort of their daughters they could look at you know earning more money as the parents. This is not your burden to bear so don't. They are not on the bread line. Dp is demanding a luxury for his daughters that most together families do not have and then is refusing to ask their mother to contribute. Really brass bloody neck

And if the girls were in his sole custody then you would still be entitled to think whether you wanted to take on the whole package that is a new relationship and parenting two extra children.
That doesn't make you cruel or selfish. You are an adult and you're making a serious long term decision that will effect you and your ds. The presence of children does not mean you should walk in blindly and assume a happy ever after. You should be more guarded because there are children.