how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

[trialsandtribs]

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks

I guess I just don't want my DC

Left field suggestion, but would you consider living close to each other, but not in the same house?

It's useful to have that perspective as you're right about tears and tantrums. He got really silently moody when I suggested that the fact I was financially secure was influencing his decisions (eg deciding he wants to set up his own company etc.)

He also said that if he and ex want their dds at private school she will have to cough up a bit more and chip in towards it. My thought goes further than "chipping in"!!!

Incidentally he isn't starting his own business now but is saying he always wanted to. I asked why he hasn't done it till now and he said exw would have said it was the wrong time... I think it's cause they couldn't take the financial risk whereas maybe now he feels with me that he could. I called him on that and he told me he was very offended and couldn't believe I thought that...

Op your dp wants a meal ticket for himself and his daughters as well as a relationship.

Run!

I like the leftfield suggestion.

I think it's come to a head as we have talked about living together for a while but he has been in his and exw old house while it's been on the market for 1.5yrs. They've recently sold so that being in process has forced these conversations along between us. But maybe him buying another place nearby isn't such a bad idea.

He did suggest that he buy somewhere and then live with me but not on mortgage etc but that he'd feel strange living in a House he didn't own and also wouldnt really like doing jobs on a house he didn't own etc.... I sort of get that.

I always feel deeply about the recently divorced who jump from one fully formed household to another. I don't care about the timing of the new relationship I mean physically moving in with their new dp not even pausing to live alone and take stock and create a new way of parenting their children alone. I direct this at men and women.

You really need that honeymoon period to know someone whilst living separately . I don't think a new relationship can thrive in the shadow of the household that so recently ended. You will always be trying to make up for the consequences of the divorce. Dp needs to come to terms with the impact of his decision on his own and he needs to learn to parent his daughters off his own financial resources. He needs to find his own baseline. Passing the buck to you is not fair or reasonably.

Op you are dodging a bullet here by having these thoughts now before moving in

Yes - I have lived alone for 2yrs which I think is a reasonable amount. Thing is I really like it! DP and I would like a child of our own and I suppose the desire for that is what is driving the decision to live together now - as well as the fact we do want to build a life together.

Well your subsequent child will probably have a much lower standard of living that you perhaps envisaged. That will be your dp child too then his argument about equality because a lot more reasonable.

I think op you have sacrificed a lot for your financial security and I think dp is just introducing risk here. A new business, private schooling fir his children and a subsequent child. How will he pay his share for these things? What is his plan apart from sticking his hand in your pocket and taking from ds.

One of my friends is currently blending families at the moment - they have 3 children each. They have put moving in together on hold because their parenting styles are so different it is causing problems, especially with the teenagers.
This isn't easy or simple - but I go back to my original point that you can make this work if you want to. Just keep talking. Nobody can be expected to get this right at the first attempt - you are in a learning process. Keep talking until you are both happy with the solution.

Also if he genuinely wants a child he needs to demonstrate he wants in and is able and willing to provide for all existing children. Because at the moment it sounds like you are being forced to demonstrate your desire for a child with him by giving parity to his children while he just looks out for his own.

But surely if we have a child together the logic would apply that the parents make the choices... So for our joint child if we had one we would each contribute financially to it?

I think the idea of saving for own bio kids and own treats is the best way for me

And if he trots out that he has no spare funds after maintenance and other bits for his daughters then you have your answer. He views you as responsible for all children and himself as responsible for his own only.

I am not sure if that is actually a communication issue like Middle is suggesting. If he was arguing for parity and actually doing it himself and you didn't want to then there would be something to talk about.
He clearly knows his behaviour is off hence the tears and tantrums when called on it. I don't think the type of relationship you would like is salvageable with this man. The level of manipulation and selfishness is just so profound. This is who he is. It doesn't matter that it is for his daughters don't be distracted by sentimentality. Look at the actual behaviour and consequences for you and your son

There are some really negative posts here.
I see this as a simple case of somebody who has a particular view of what is 'fair', but just hasn't thought through the implications of what that means to everyone involved. I'm not sure it it is fair to blame the DP for not having the perfect solution to hand instantly.
None of this is simple, easy or obvious - give DP a chance to think about OPs POV and then see what he does.
I agree that working all this out before he moves in is important and that the OP does protect her and DSs long term interests. And the issue of children together is also important - how will you plan for that?

But op I cannot see dp agreeing to a child unless his daughters get the same treatment as your ds wrt to private schooling holidays etc. the price for another child will be you footing the bill for his bio children. He will make you earn it.

He is already doing this by dumping responsibilities that you do not want onto you without him doing any reciprocal heavy lifting.

Any joint child will be the link between all the children and then whether you want to or not you will have to pool.

But middle op has raised concerns and had got defensiveness and moodiness in response. That is deliberately controlling behaviour
What more ca the op do. Her dp wants things for his daughters he cannot afford and won't even give ds the headspace to be equal on pound land treats.
There is a solution the dp either treats all children equally on the little things (and baby steps on the meatier issues ) or equality on little issues and he backs off on bigger issues. Those are the choices and I am negative because the dp is taking advantage of op to the detriment of her child

Also if op consistently forgot to include her nr dsc in treats mn would be out for blood. Dp has been reminded constantly and has op modelling correct behaviour and yet he keeps doing it. If it's not acceptable for stepmothers then it is not acceptable for step fathers and if that makes me negative for pointing it out. So be it. Women are socialised to put up with bad behaviour and smoothing over red flags. This is a red flag that should not be ignored. Ds matters too.

What do you think OP?
Is he normally a good guy - but has misjudged this?
Or is this an indication of deeper issues/problems in your relationship?
Only you know....

Thanks. I've worked really hard to get to a good and appropriate relationship with DPs kids and they have massively benefitted from having me around (sounds arrogant I know but I do a lot of fun stuff with them which I know they don't get at home). DP is lovely to DS and DS really likes him but I know In DPs head he has two kids and DS is mine, whereas in my head I have one child and 3 kids to think of. (Which is a pain in the arse sometimes cause I get no benefit of being a mum to them but most of the stress!)

I may have misexplained something cause DP MAY be able to pay for his kids to go to private school. He earns well and gets big bonuses... It was more the alarm bells of the principle of if we can't afford it for 3 then none of them get it. And I think on the big things he should be planning with the children's mother.

He isn't a skinflint and pays his way... I usually buy all the groceries on wkends when we are together and he pays for a Sunday lunch out which kind of breaks even. For anything over about a fiver which I buy for his girls he gives me the money (and if I asked for anything lower I could have it). So it isn't that he's not prepared to pay - it's more the principle that he's forgotten the kids have a mum who gets £1k a month who he could expect to save if private ed was something they wanted.

Yeah he is normally a good guy but I think he is driven by guilt at leaving his kids and I think is trying to overcompensate.

Also he isn't very thoughtful... And that makes me

Well op you know him best. You need to work out how to enforce your own boundaries and standards of behaviour.

I stand by my posts and all my negativity
I don't think you can have another child with dp and maintain the boundaries that you want. It depends on your deal breakers are. I want private schooling for my future children and I would leave my dp if he compromised that for me. And I am also highly suspicious of roving males who need/ want from me things they are unable to offer themselves. But that is me.

We all have our back stories - mine is that my parents split up and I am on my second marriage so I just want everyone to try really hard to stay together and be happy....
But I know that's not always the right solution.

So sad. When my dad remarried, I went from being an only child to being 1 of 5.

Step mum didn't have any money, dad owned his own home outright.

They've both treated all of us as equals and wills etc are all divisible by 5.

Doesn't bother me, but then we've done ok so I have no needs.

It would have bugged me (understatement of the year) if we'd been seen as anything other than equals in their eyes.

I am on my first but dp second. And I was the link child in a second marriage. I lived through the parity and the golden status of the first child. It was not pleasant and I strongly feel my own father was brow beaten to equalising for a step child which led to some very unequal results for all of us.

I lurked on mn for years and I have seen ops brow beaten to accept a lot of shit behaviour from both the dp and dsc to the detriment of their own mental health, financial security and existing dc

Private schooling isn't even a MUST for me. I passionately believe in state but I believe more in the best for my DS.... Tbh it's more the principle that I've been merrily saving for uni or house deposit and I might not get to give that to DS

I am now nc with the golden sibling so total opposite to joy.

Although that is probably a crap example cause I know Dp would tell me to save for whatever I wanted! The better example is private school. I don't specifically want private (and am wary of those that do tbh!) but I want the best for DS - which may mean private