how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

[trialsandtribs]

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks

I guess I just don't want my DC

OP, I can appreciate that there must be a lot of good in your DP - you sound sensible, and you want to be with him.

But there are also a whole host of red flags flying that are alerting you to the fact that he might not be the right person to move in with and have a baby with. he certainly isn't the right person now.

So put the brakes on. Two years is actually not that long to decide you want a baby with someone. Perhaps double that for such a complex situation, with three children dealing with separation/divorce/new parenting situations thrown into the mix.

My take on it is that your DP is a coward. It sounds like he ducked, and still ducks, difficult situations with his ex, from not starting his own business to not making a peep at her deliberately fucking him over with working hours etc. when they divorced. And though he isn't necessarily a complete cocklodger, there is an element of him automatically, because he is a coward, hiding behind your financial security in order to avoid having awkward conversations with his ex and making awkward decisions.

I hate to say it, but yes you could probably do a lot better. You sound a much more honest, brave, quality person than him. Two years isn't long, and I think that in another two, you might well look at this slightly manipulative, slightly weak, slightly cowardly character and wonder what you saw in him.

Don't move in for a year at least and DEFINITELY don't even think about babies for a long while.

It is being suggested that op ring fence the money she has today and presumably dp does the same. If dp prospective business is a success it is still her dp right to not hand over all of his cash and capital to the common pot. Pooling all income and capital is not the only way.
I don't pool with my dp and in my social circle it is just unheard of but it does seem very common on mn

Do you really want another child? Many people seem to think they should have a baby just because it's a new relationship but if you have 3 kids between you that is quite a lot to finance and take in the car, on holidays etc. Having a 4th child makes a lot of things more complex and children from previous relationships can feel second best.

I can just see where this thread will be heading in a few years time.

Do they Rebecca or is that just something people say? Are there armies of half siblings being upstaged by the new addition? Does this apply to together families with previous/older children?

I only ask because that assumption is what undermines so many modern step families - the assumption that the half siblings are hard done by

'I can just see where this thread will be heading in a few years time. sad'

Yep. OP has another baby with the guy, moves him in, relationship breaks down over his constant niggling about parity and pooling money, OP has spent a significant chunk on partner and his kids, he won't leave, threatens to go for a slice of house and savings, relationship with first biological child a mess, partner has gradually worn OP down.

When you ignore red flags, the result is never good.

I understand wanting to have another child. But you know, you can do it alone, too.

And dp is already encouraging the notion that his daughters need to be compensated for the divorce and you are already stepping in to discipline where he will not because of the "divorce".

Five years from now you will be exactly where expat says. Poorer and wiser no doubt.

The only problem with putting your house in a trust for your ds is if you do go on to have another child. How would you then split things fairly? This is where things become tricky. Sorry but yet another voice here urging caution. You have everything to lose and he has everything to gain.

Sorry, op, I did think he was still living with her up to 6 months agao. So she has a house near to you? Have they divorced and the settlements etc are all done? Because if not, the court will want to know your financial situation as he will be living with you. Best wait til it's all over. Make sure he hasn't ticked " yes I have a new partner and moving in with her" on his form. It's not set in stone is it?

Ring fence your assets - which isn't anything to do with him and ensure your parents do the same should you marry. If you have another child, they can be added. Tell him after the event. Actually, you should do something because if anything happens to you, your ds will go to his father? Or your parents so all this finacial and legal stuff should be in place now.

Does he take his dds out alone? I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are doing everything to make sure his dc have a family life with you doing all the " trying hard" and he blows it all out if the water by nipping out to get gifts for his dc. That's not just thoughtless it's taking the piss.
He's not helping and he isn't teaching them he will be part of another family. Does your ds like him? Want to live with him, spend time alone with him? Have him discipline and give love?

See a lawyer and talk without any emotion - ask what would happen if it all went wrong and work from there.

What's his is his.

What's yours is also his, apparently.

Not the exact same situation, but I had something similar with my own ex and his (older than in your example) children. I agree with the warning voices here OP.

It seemed like he didn't ever want to have any awkward conversations with the ex so would rather I, the new partner, "absorbed" any fallout.

It was soul-destroying. Every time I tried to quietly assert myself he'd pull out the "if you loved me" card. And emotionally he was brilliant wherever the non-family situation was concerned.

But it was like he was playing the "emotions" and "love" card when it suited him whilst being fairly calculating in terms of negotiating having three people basically doing 120% for his kids.

I'm childfree by choice so was able to 100% adjust round his children and was content doing this.

But there was that same "the children will get upset and how dare you do this to the poor little mites they'll be scarred for life if they think someone other than them is having a slightly better time of it than them at any given moment" attitude?

Like I was some evil witch for not actually being willing to throw myself under a bus for the honour of interacting with his (fairly privileged) children. Tread carefully OP.

Op the experience of floral and pony is showing your potential future. A casual read of the stepparent board will show you that these type of partners will not change and moreover society will praise them for being such good parents. It will be difficult to enforce boundaries and if you have a child, I refer you to my own childhood. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but what she did was wrong, it made my childhood a battle ground and created an entitled monster of my brother. And the crazy thing was everyone was cheering her along because "previous children" have it so hard

I was very retrospectively relieved when I read the stepparent board who, because for some time I was basically feeling like pony so accurately described (quoted below)

"But I think the point I am trying to make is I got guilted into agreeing with a lot of stuff because he accused me of not caring for his daughters... in a good relationship my voice would have been heard on these issues and we could have had a rational and reasonable discussion."

Don't get me wrong, the ex was a very "nice" man with some very good qualities and I loved him.

But it was like where his children were concerned he expected me to go above and beyond to "prove" something.

(example: he wanted me to volunteer to do the hard technical side of his child's university project for them. They have a very active social life -regular jaunts abroad, weekend parties etc - were privately educated and have parents who can afford private tuition if they needed it).

Exactly floral there are a lot of voices on mn who genuinely believe that putting the step children first and making allowances is the correct thing to do. And when the step mother raises concerns she is barked down for being cruel and awful.

For every kind step parent and awful step parent there is a bullied stepparent and stepchild being coached to believe that the "divorce" was the worst thing that ever happened and they must be compensated by their parents, step parents and those dreadful new half siblings whose mere existence rubs salt in the wound. No one likes to talk about what happens when these step children grow up and the entitlement starts to back fire. It is assumed that it is common with the nrp - the Disney dad but mothers also do it.
My brother is now a middle aged man with no friends and no functioning romantic relationship and no children. If I didn't hate him for what he put me through I would feel sorry for him.

The stepparent family is quite common amongst my friends, in the sense that we were the children.

Wherever the stepchild was made the golden child to be prioritised above the half sibling and step parent etc they do not have close relations with parents or the new siblings as adults.

It is so striking; the "hard done by step child" is like this dreadful urban legend which will not go away. It is so pervasive that even nice non controlling bullying people are sucked in. It is damaging not just for the adult relationships that crumble in the face of it but also for the other children in the household who are not deemed to be hard done by whose entire childhood is constrained by the needs of the step child, who is not bad in any way but coached by all adults to believe they are special and entitled to the detriment of others in the household.

who the one time my ex did prioritize me was a significant milestone birthday (with a zero at the end)

He took me away for a couple of nights (cheap city break, not a week in Barbados - I was happy).

Partner's child (at uni, all bills paid by father so no student debts, lots of friends including housemates, no emergency, no crisis, mother around) decided she needed a phone call with her father for a couple of hours the evening of my birthday, so I had to sit alone in the room.

No apology or explanation, because that's just how things are, mustn't upset the poor deprived wee creature by making her feel left out (because her dad's partner is living the life of Riley in a budget hotel).

I can have a wry grin now at the lack of social skills but I'm just pretty glad I'm out of that dynamic though!

floral that is why I advised the op to run. You cannot fight the urban legend. Even if the dp improves slightly he still believes that his daughters are hard done by and are entitled to more than bog standard parental love and support. The manifestation of that belief will change so it won't be the ops burden maybe but it will be there and those little girls will respond to it and be shaped by it.

Then op will have one adult and two children pushing the boundaries plus the entire peanut gallery of onlookers tutting about those "poor hard done by girls". You cannot communicate rationally with that dynamic.

This is all fascinating and will help me to have the conversations I want to have with him. I do see fact they have been treated with cotton wool gloves and he will often say "but I look at it through their eyes and they feel abandoned" and I do now say that he needs to get over the fact he left home and actually you only have to look at my DS to see that if the parents can be smart it doesn't have to ruin a child's whole emotional future. (Again not wanting to sound arrogant but I worked really hard at handling my divorce well, got lots of advice and me an ex co-parent well and whilst I know DS would like us back together I don't think he's "damaged" by our divorce.

DP needs to live by his choices a bit more and ditch the guilt which I know must be hard. Whoever said he was a coward is right. It's something which I just don't get... But then he thinks I am "totally gung ho"!

Op if he felt genuine guilt about their abandonment issues he would reading books and seeking professional help for his children. Not just mithering when they play up and failing to parent.

FFS if a parent is self aware enough to know that the guilt they feel is not rational and affecting their parenting why not do something about it. Why is it acceptable to force bystanders to deal with the fall out?

'But then he thinks I am "totally gung ho"!'

Eh? Whatever you do, don't add a baby into this mix. Have one with a sperm donor alone before you do it with this guy.

He has a looooonnnnggg way to go before it would be suitable to set up a blended family with him and it sounds like he needs some professional help as whodrank suggests.

Being an adult and a parent means you take responsibility for your problems and sort them out yourself.

It sounds like nobody in your dps family is ready for him to move in with you. Even your dp.

If his dc feel abandoned now, how will they feel with him living with you and your ds?

And you need to focus on your ds and your.feelings before your dp and his dc/ ex wife. Your ds - He doesn't need to be part of an understanding support group at his age, iyswim. You and your ex seem to have done a great job. Your DP is doing it his way, which is going to take up hours of your time thinking and making plans for his dc. I'm surprised he wants a baby tbh. It sounds the last thing he should be bringing into the mix, aside of money issues.

No rush, what about looking to live together next year? And enjoying spending time with your ds at weekends whilst he's growing up? your dp can spend a few weekends with his dc alone and bond, they might like that- however nice you are. And you sound really nice!

Whoever said he was a coward is right.

You can't create a strong honest blended family with a coward.

The loser here will be your DS.

This is your warning sign.

trials here is a link to another MN thread.

I think the post by catsmother on the different social expectations for women with a new partners child as opposed to men, was very well-written and certainly struck a chord with my situation. Good luck with your talk

Definitely definitely wait before you move in together. I thought I knew my dp well after 2 years. I know him so much better after 6 years. It meant we were much stronger and more resilient when we moved in together (after 5 years).