how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

[trialsandtribs]

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks

I guess I just don't want my DC

So the moral of the story is that parity does not necessarily create happy families and can in fact create an entitled monster out of the golden child

How old were you Joy when the families were brought together?

Would he be with you if you didn't have all that money? He has already said he is insulted by a pre nup however he loves you and wants to be with you, whether you have money or not. Doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't move him in. He has been living with his ex wife up til 6 months ago. Where is he living now? It all just sounds too soon, and lots of happy ever after but in reality it won't be like that. He also sounds as though he would expect you to share all your family money with his girls and him, which may be news to your parents and a worry for them should anythjng happen to you.

A baby - surely you'll wait a year or so? Find out what he's like really? If your ds wants him around obviously prioritising his dds with gifts and laying down the law with ds school- how will your ds feel when someone tells him this? He will find out, somehow.

As for schooling - educate your ds privately as you and your exp wish. It's nothing to do with your DP! You might fall out after 3 months and ask him to leave anyway. His girls might not have that opportunity but you can't worry about that, next will be your ds activities, toys, holidays...

The fact he says if he and his exp hadn't spilt up his DD's could go to private school is an interesting comment. Is it an option for him to go back to her.

It's not your fault or anyone's the consequences of their split. Why should your ds be penalised?

Lavender he hasn't lived with ex for a few yrs and we have been together for 2.

Coffee - I'm a bit confused by what you're saying. You had parity but your step sibling became the golden child?

This is all so so helpful so thank you everyone for keeping the advice coming!

Yes lavender he could go back to her. I guess anyone could go back to anyone. I would be monumentally surprised though!

'Incidentally he isn't starting his own business now but is saying he always wanted to. I asked why he hasn't done it till now and he said exw would have said it was the wrong time... I think it's cause they couldn't take the financial risk whereas maybe now he feels with me that he could. I called him on that and he told me he was very offended and couldn't believe I thought that...'

Yet another red flag.

And that he has only been truly split from his ex for 6 months.

And you're talking baby?

Dear god.

You are letting your heart cloud things and your head is screaming at you to look out.

He's offended, insulted, cries, gets moody, isn't very thoughtful of you, wants all the kids to be equal, but thinks first of his children.

Don't become another MN statistic of a person who gets pregnant by someone who gave clear indications long ago that they were not suitable or compatible.

He needs to live on his own for a while at least.

Being persuaded otherwise has been a truly costly mistake for a lot of people on here.

I frequently change my mind after reading posts on MN. I start off thinking I have a logical, reasonable view on things, but then I read all the other comments and I realise that I have got something completely wrong.
So I can understand why your DP thinks the way he does - equality seems fair to all involved. The counter arguments on this site are based on the experience of other posters who have already been through this. I guess that is why I would be inclined to go easy on him and take some time to talk through why you disagree.

I think your approach is right - but the reasons for that are complex and can be counter intuitive. It might take him a while to catch up.

Effectively my sibling was the equivalent of your dp daughters and I was the new link baby.

Everything in our household revolved arround ensuring my sibling (half sibling) my fathers step child had parity. To the extent that if my father came home from work with a sweet for toddler me, my teenage sibling had to have the same as enforced by our mother. I wasn't allowed certain activities because the household had been poorer when golden sibling was a child and we couldn't rub his nose in it.

The end result was my childhood had to match his and the relentless need for parity when there was a large age gap means my golden sibling has no sense of sharing or greater good. I know my mother regretted her choices and her sister has said a lot of golden siblings issues are to do with the fact that he expects his feeling to be prioritised at all times.

Ironically had my mother been on mn her behaviour would have been encouraged. My father is very laid back/passive so he went along with the madness.
My golden sibling lives alone, has a very odd gf situation and doesn't really have friends. He is nc with his own father, me and pretty much the entire family for perceived slights to him

Well said expat

I don't know where the 6 month comment came from! They've been separated ages

That sounds awful. In many cases of nuclear families different kids get different things cause the family set up changes as life goes by and so do parental views.

My best friend has 3 siblings, 2 were privately educated and 2 not. Who knows why but 1 who was privately educated and 1 who want have very successful careers and the others don't... Complex choices without the step issue thrown in

My father paid for part of golden siblings private schooling and university costs and cash generally when job hunting etc. his own father also contributed plus my mother.
Apparently my university was better and was evidence of unfairness from a grown man. Ffs
Nothing and no one was good enough.

The 6 months maybe came from you saying he'd been living in his and his exwife's house and didn't say his ex-wife had moved out of the house.
Lots of couples remain in a house together whilst waiting to sell it as they can't afford to move out.

Oh yes - should clarify that... She moved out when they split because she wanted her own place and he stayed in the house and after a while put it on the market. It's recently gone under offer after a long time for sale.

trials, I'm hesitating to post here as I think you seem to be already taking stock of things in a good way, and I don't want to project my situation onto yours and suggest that what happened to me will happen to you.

But my 'blended' family also had money issues. I was financially secure on my own with DS and insisted on paying my way with shopping etc when at his. But when it came to us living together, he expected me to pay exactly half into the bills pot each month, despite the fact this would have taken up 90% of my monthly earnings (which dropped significantly when we moved in as I lost lots of single parent benefits). He refused to get a joint account because of my 'attitude' so it ended up that he paid the mortgage out of his account and bought some of the food every month and I paid... everything else (also because he refused to have his name on bills). I ended up having no spare money every month and he would occasionally give me £20 here and there 'to buy yourself something nice'. Only ever done in front of someone, of course, to look like he was generous. But he let me pay for our honeymoon, our wedding and pretty much everything else he could get away with.

We also had issues with ExH getting very annoyed if he deemed me to be in any way favouring my DS over his DDs, to the point that he insisted they have the biggest two rooms in the house we subsequently bought together, while my DS went into the smallest (they were there at weekends, DS lived there all the time). He hit the roof when we got Christmas cards that didn't mention his DDs, and took massive offence at people in my family leaving them out.

But mine was an abusive relationship (one that I don't think I would have escaped from without MN). So possibly not the same as yours. But I think the point I am trying to make is I got guilted into agreeing with a lot of stuff because he accused me of not caring for his daughters, not wanting us to be a family etc. I loved (and still do) his daughters and did want us to be a family but in a good relationship my voice would have been heard on these issues and we could have had a rational and reasonable discussion. It doesn't sound much like your voice is being heard and that's my main concern. You know in your gut what you want to happen and you are having your mind swayed my guilt, not by rational changing of position on your behalf.

All I am getting at is that mumsnet dogma is not infallible. Divorce is not a reason to contort yourself for the "sake of the children". Expat has made some very good points.

Parity can ruin good childhoods for all in the household even though objectively all the children are well cared for growing up in a wealthy household. I wish my dad had fought my corner a bit more. I am not damaged by it but I am wary of the orthodoxy that a step child requires compensation for the divorce. I think my brother is damaged even though it was for his benefit.

Yes!! His eldest dd has taken the divorces the hardest out of all the kids and has subsequently been "given" the most (leeway on behaviour/affection/attention). Actually since I've enforced some standards of behaviour through basics like reward charts and telling the girls I expect the same from them as my own DS when it comes to behaviour (after telling DP I wouldn't tolerate her being rude to me in my home) she now has much better behaviour for everyone and seems happier for it as she is clear on boundaries and isn't told off as much.

Ponytail thanks for sharing your story. I have wondered if I am not being heard enough and I know from counselling after my marriage broke down that I have an issue with putting myself in the picture and not just doing what everyone else wants. I am trying though!! Lots for me and him to discuss.

Why are you having to enforce standards of behaviour where is dp in all this? This is his child being rude right?!

I would not move in and I would definitely not have a child. It takes broad shoulders to push back against this type of dynamic. It is also very wearing to maintain the equality at all costs plus the world and his wife will be chipping in with how "sorry they feel for the daughters" insinuating that they hard done by.

So many red flags here. I get his pov as he is massively guilty about not being with his girls all the time and wants to do his utmost for them even if he can't afford it without your help.

He needs your financial help and he knows being with you means his girls get a lovely home to live in as well as all the laundry, cooking, house cleaning and childcare done. Being with you and living with you is a win win situation for him and his daughters especially as you are kind, caring, and so financially solvent.

I am sorry to rain on your parade but let's take away the love and passion from this arrangement (as I think this will be drained out of you pretty fast anyway if they move in).

On a practical side you are going to have huge laundry loads, ironing, tons of to'ing and fro'ing 'taxi' services, endless shopping trips: what are their domestic habits like by the way? Or is he really hands on with that side of life?

You work. Who gives up work if a child is sick? Would he collect your son if you were at work?

It's the practical side that never gets split 50-50 even if finances do.

You have nearly double his assets and you will probably end up doing 70% of the domestic chores.

Statistically 2nd marriages have double the rate of failure compared to 1st marriages so be very wary of long term financial plans.

Being emotionally manipulative and having strong views on what YOU should and shouldn't do with your hard earned money is a big no no and shows he does not view you as an equal or even close!

Your son and his financial security should be the forefront of your concerns. No one else. You could be jeoparding both your son's and your own future having financial dealings with this man.

What you could do is put your house in your son's name and your saved assets in a trustfund for him so that it is secure.

Then any future or other joint purchases you may make with your partner can be separate.

Keep seeing that counsellor! When you put yourself first, you are able to put your son first better.

I think OP's DP needs to process more fully the emotional fallout and guilt wrt of his own divorce because this is affecting his ability to plan constructively. A new/blended family can not mend these injuries.

I vouch that he isn't ready to take this step because he says one thing but behaves in another way.

I also think that commonly the woman ends up being the one who is expected to 'think about all the children' - this is already playing out e.g. The Poundland incident.

Three red flags for me. Eve. Without the finances.

Either way op I would consider setting up a trust fund for your son which you and his gparents can pay into which will secure his education and university fees/1st house deposit etc regardless of what other financial decisions you and your partner make.

It is very easy to set up and I'd get that sorted before anything else!

Ring fence your sons money as other posters have suggested and then talk with dp. And keep prioritising your ds and yourself. There are not enough comprises in this world to compensate his daughters or dp for his divorce. Please don't be brow beaten into thinking that your money and emotional investment can create a happy ending for these girls. There is no compensating to begin with and it isn't your job even if there was.

This is what I would do. I would buy two adjacent houses. One for him bought with his money and one for you bought with your own money and I would keep everything seperate. No reason for you not to spend lots of time together and for you both to be involved with each other's children.

I wouldn't have a child with him and I wouldn't marry him.

If you do decide to move in together then you should try to discuss and document everything. It may be worth involving a financial advisor. (Don't forget to discuss wills)

But OP if you do keep everything separate and he goes ahead and starts his business making lots of ££££ how would you feel if he kept it all from you? As that would be on keeping with paying half of everything.....