But we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It's March 2015 and the Stately Home is still open to visitors. Unfortunately I have not been able to make the links work; is it possible for one of you lovely people to do that?.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
October 2014

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Attila you have just given me some insight there. That's how my parent's were.

Hippy sorry I havnt got back to you with those books. Will try and sort it later

Thanks Attila. Everything in your posts is resonating.

My dd's anxious at the moment. I have just put a tiny card about what a daughter means in with her Oyster card so she finds it on the way to school tomorrow (exams). I try so hard to patch in all the things I never had and perhaps that's a little bit of silver lining because I actively try to be a better parent. Not perfect I know, but as supportive as I can be.

Beaufort I never told anyone about how my parent's were with me. Never, ever. I protected them. If other people's parents said something about how bad my parents were, I defended them. The first time I did was to my boyfriend. I used to cry in his arms. He saw their behaviour himself and for the first time I had someone on my side. I married him of course.

Beaufort your doing great you know. This experience has made you this sensitive amazing Mum you are today. Silver linings.

Attila you have helped me get a glimpse of understanding as to how they could be so cruel to me and yet just brush it under the carpet.

Theymakemefeel I was put in boarding school for a year so they could go to the other side of the world for a whole year. I didn't see them in all that time. I loved that year. Felt part of a family. Ate properly and wasn't anorexic looking anymore.

Oh Milli. The food thing resonates too. I could control that - it was the only thing I could use to control my mother and I remember sitting at the table as a child refusing to eat when I was starving because I knew it was the one thing that concerned her. I am, of course, a recovered anorexic. Recovered though for nearly 30 years.

Typically, when told they've hurt your feelings, a narcissist's denial takes the forms of insisting you're not hurt, or that you shouldn't be hurt, that you're wrong to be hurt, that they didn't hurt you, that you're too easily hurt, and that you shouldn't complain because they're hurt worse

That sums it up perfectly

sleepy it does.

No worries Millli - whenever you have a second!

Typically, when told they've hurt your feelings, a narcissist's denial takes the forms of insisting you're not hurt, or that you shouldn't be hurt, that you're wrong to be hurt, that they didn't hurt you, that you're too easily hurt, and that you shouldn't complain because they're hurt worse

I know all I would hear is how hard it was for them, what the went without to give us an education -blah blah blah. I begged not to go into 6th form but my mum loved the boasting 'oh my children go to ---- School'.

She was vile because she couldn't boast that her daughter was at uni. Of course once my younger sister got to uni she didn't shut up about it and rubbed our noses in it.

The more I read about these, essentially, horrible people. The more angry I get. Why do they do this? That's what I just can't get my head around... A life full of love, happiness, family, kindness etc is surely better than these shallow selfish nasty attitudes!?!

Even when I take photos of my ds in my parents garden, my mother is far more interested in how the garden looks in the photo rather than her grandson. In fact it is of upmost importance. If there was a piece of grass out of place she would be tying herself in knots about what people thought.
Never mind the precious smiley little boy playing with a ball.

I know all I would hear is how hard it was for them, what the went without to give us an education -blah blah blah. I begged not to go into 6th form but my mum loved the boasting 'oh my children go to ---- School'

I was sent to private school and both my parents were extremely boastful about it. They just talked about how good the school was, when it was established etc, lots of showing off. But they never actually bothered about how I felt. They hated the fact that I was unhappy and miserable because I was ruining their image. My sad feelings were hugely problematic for them and I was considered a big big problem. I was responsible for making THEIR lives a misery and my mother was always sulking like a spoilt child.

Even now my father talks about how they spent all this money on my education and I just f it all up. Then when I told him that it was because I was unhappy, he was enraged and said 'are you trying to tell us that we were bad parents??!' then I got called a bitch and had the phone put down on me.
These conversations come nowhere too - I am left shell-shocked and think 'where the hell did that come from?' They paint the most awful picture of me, but the irony is I am known by my friends as very tolerant, calm and caring - the total opposite of what my parents think.
They say I am aggressive bully.
All I have to do is politely say 'no thank you' to something, but they make out I have stuck 2 fingers up at them and said f off!
Then I spend my time trying to put them right which I have learnt not to do now as it is futile.

Sorry, long rant!

Oh sleepy

staffiegirl your post just made me cry. Am sitting in the car in Sainsbury's car park with tears running down my cheeks. I haven't cried for years - I didn't think I could anymore.

Hippy I think all my therapy books are in the attic. I must have put them away years ago. Sorry. Have been looking on the internet though and there are many many books on the subject. I buy second hand now. I did a lot of work back in the late 80s early 90s with Louise Hay. I have put a link from her website.
www.healyourlife.com/love-your-inner-child
Hope that is of some help.

Thank you milllli - I'll check that out!

Sleepy it's horrible isn't it. That the school was far more important than how we felt.

I remember a teacher telling me he couldn't understand why my parents were forcing me to stay on and that I far more suited to the local college. I understood!

I just don't know what I have to do to get any kind of acknowledgement (or should say positive acknowledgment). And I keep thinking she will die not knowing how shit she makes me feel but at the same time she would deny it if I said anything.

Does anyone have problems with accepting compliments off other people?

If someone says 'that's s nice top' I have to say 'oh but it's a bit tight at the back' or if some one says 'your hair looks good' I say 'oh but I need to do something about the grey streaks'

It's like I can't accept that anyone could possible say anything good about me

theymakeme I learnt ages ago to take compliments graciously rather than say negative things that put myself down. Just say "thankyou". It helps keep the tone positive and you feeling positive and also you are not then putting yourself down. People love giving compliments but when someone doesn't take them and puts themselves down it sort of takes the shine off the compliment. Even if you don't find it easy just practice sayin "thankyou".

theymake yes I used to have a massive problem with that. I've learned now just to say "Thank you!" and, if appropriate, "£10 off ebay, bargain!!"

As a result of practising the above, I also find it much more natural now to give other people compliments. So it's a win-win for everyone!

I can remember turning six years old. I was at school on my birthday. The teacher had a thing where anyone whose birthday it was would be called up to the front and the rest of the class would sing Happy Birthday. I vividly remember standing there and wanting to smile, but savagely biting the inside of my mouth to prevent my lips from curling upwards. I can't remember the motivation for that feeling, but I can remember feeling incredibly anxious, in fact panicked, that if I smiled something awful would happen.

That was 36 years ago. I can remember the classroom, the teacher's name, the words I was learning, the girl I sat next to. I can remember the smell of chalk dust on the blackboard, the scent of the rhododendron blossoms that grew by the sides of the school chapel, and the face of the little boy who picked some for me. But I can't remember what I was afraid of.

happiness pocket. Maybe you were afraid to feel happy for if you felt happy something or someone would make you feel bad soon enough.

pocket If I wasn't in a room with others I would be crying now. The fact at such a young age you were already worrying about what might happen.

I need to start accepting that people are being nice because they want to be. I have no problem giving compliments