It's March 2015 and the Stately Home is still open to visitors. Unfortunately I have not been able to make the links work; is it possible for one of you lovely people to do that?.
Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
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March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
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Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
More helpful links:
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
Some books:
Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
But we took you to Stately Homes
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2015 10:59
Arghhh just typed out a whole essay and lost it 
I'll try again...
theymakemefeel that's something I've wondered too and I'm just getting my head around it so might be difficult to put into words. My mum cares deeply for all of us and seems to empathise (unless it was something she did). But like you said she was 'beside herself', my mum takes those feelings on. Then she's so overwhelmed by how awful things are for me. Then she's exhausted by taking everyone else's feelings on. Then she shuts it down and I have to stop feeling/experiencing things because she can't deal with any more. Sometimes she skips the first steps and goes straight for 'I can't deal with this, I need to care about me'. Sometimes when I thought I was totally fine she'll throw in a sentence as she breaks down that shes so worried about me and constantly trying to find some money to give me/buy tickets to cheer me up/trying think of ways to help with my job (????!!) and I never wanted her to feel them for me, I just wanted her to listen.
I think some of it is the drama but I don't think she enjoys it, I think she's just comfortable with it (it reminds her how hard her life is).
I don't know if this makes me ungrateful and I've spent a lot of time trying to work it out/categorise it/tell myself you can't dictate how someone feels. But now I just think despite any justification, she was my mum and she didn't care for me properly. I don't know if that makes me ungrateful.
pocket you've almost outed yourself as me irl 
everything you said is recognisable (including moving to be closer, new fabulous job so happy for you). In my case my stressful, horrible job misery wasn't for conversation with my auntie, she just likes to take the fact that she's so supportive and keep it inside as more validation.
I was talking to dp about it last night, trying to work out how she's had years of therapy and says all the right things (at times outright quotes the toxic parents book 
) yet is still no better and such a martyr. I think she went to therapy and got validation for her genuinely awful childhood, worked through it all and is now out the other side (to an extent obviously), but that validation was addictive, and now it's the only way she's comfortable. She's a martyr in every day life but it also stops her doing further work in therapy/fixing some easily fixable issues in her relationships. She NEEDS to be fucked up - deep down, and day-to-day drama. It's nice to have worked out because I couldn't get my head around her being outright vindictive in day-to-day situations (I'm very clear that she is in arguments etc) and so I kind of understand but its a conclusion that doesn't send me back into the FOG - she should still sort herself out and has a responsibility to do that. Sorry for rambling.
Oh pocket 'Every conversation just a relentless deluge of negativity and bitchiness' - that is a more eloquent version of what I've been feeling about DF all day. had to spend today with them as DM has recently discovered she has cancer 
and DF informed me he couldn't attend her hospital app because he was too upset so I had to take the day off work and travel three hours round trip to take her there for him, while he stayed home.
But while I came to pick her up and dropped her back off, there was a FLOW of bitterness, the highlight of which was a monologue which began 5 mins before we were due to leave the house, about what he should have said at his father's funeral. He began the actual speech - the one he should have made, all about how unloved he was etc etc, and of course I had to be a callous bitch and interrupt this heartbreaking monologue to say, we have to go or we'll miss mum's appointment. He couldn't bear the day to be about her.
I'm shattered. So shattered that when DS2 (who has ASD) came up to me when I came home, he started on one of his 'I feel sad bit don't know why' conversations and I actually said, 'Sorry, I'm so upset about granny I have no room just now for other people's emotional demands unless they are in crisis. If you are really worried or sad about something, you can have my full attention. But if it's just a hormone surge, can I please just have a moment to catch my breath about granny?' He was very good and trotted off and perked up. But I still feel about offloading on him like that.
silveracorn that is unbelievable that your father tried to delay your mother's appointment :s god.
Every single person here has had their wounds from parents, some of them profound. But I don't think any of us would put our hurt ahead of an imminent appointment like that 
---
Don't call Iknit!
So,
A present has arrived from MadOldBat for DD's birthday. A week late. With a card in it about how much she loves her.
:(
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