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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mil goes to check ds while he's sleeping

120 replies

22ann · 29/10/2006 20:26

my dh & i took our ds round to f&mil's @ weekend and she really annoyed me & dh by going into where our ds was sleeping to check on him when we have said before that we don't want anyone going in disturbing him. he usually has a couple of hours sleep @ lunchtime but it was cut short by half an hour. this made him grissly later on & us fumming. she also took ds out of the room where dh & i was without even saying anything to us. she came back after saying ds was bonding with his uncle.

OP posts:
Simplyred · 29/10/2006 20:53

Are there other things that concern you about f&mil?? As I really wouldn't worry - I think little ones look so sweet sleeping and she perhaps wanted to check he was ok.

Mum2FunkyDude · 29/10/2006 21:04

22Ann...I don't know if this will help figuring out why you feel the way you do, but I tend to hate the thought of any of my in laws handling, or cuddling FunkyDude...it is seriously all in my head and I know I should leave it be and let him to get to know them, but I think my reservation is the fact that I can't blatantly and openly tell them off if they do something I don't like!

As I say probably my issues!

TheDaVinciCod · 29/10/2006 21:05

god you are all mad
get over it

TheDaVinciCod · 29/10/2006 21:06

its a kid
he missed 30 mins sleep
she loves him
give her a break

slaughterfalls · 29/10/2006 21:08

Awwwwww, at least she care, I have to check my on when he is asleep as he often wraps his duvet around his head

slaughterfalls · 29/10/2006 21:08

my ds......even.

SherlockLGJ · 29/10/2006 21:09

Believe me, you will have bigger issues as you go forward.

TheDaVinciCod · 29/10/2006 22:10

really so

Gemmitygem · 30/10/2006 06:57

22, I know how you feel: My MIL visited us and one week old DS, asleep in his cot in the dark, she marched straight in, turned the lights on, picked him up and started joggling him around. Of course he woke up and grizzled. I was so full of rage I could hardly speak! But then it was just a week after the birth, three weeks on now and maybe I wouldn't have reacted like that.

I think having a kid is the beginning of a long learning curve of trying to politely manage in laws (and your own parents). they're all doting grandparents but sometimes get it wrong. I think as the mother you can be kind and accommodating but also put the child's needs first (I have zero idea how to do all this yet by the way). anyway all I'm saying is try not to overreact, but it is understandable, and if she does it again I think it's ok to be clear that you don't want her to do it etc etc..

age old problem I think!

Original poster
22ann · 30/10/2006 12:32

thanks gg, my dh & i didn't say anything to her at the time but my dh said he would next time, he's starting to be more assertive with them now.
my ds sleeps in a sleeping bag, we never disturb him during his lunchtime nap as he has woken up when we've popped our heads through before.
i understand gp's want to make the most of visit's but i just feel this is not on when we've said before we don't want him disturbed(we said if there's anything they want from the room before ds goes to sleep)it isn't mil's child.
my mum doesn't go in & check.

OP posts:
Drusilla · 30/10/2006 12:54

Are you serious - you have a problem with your MIL taking DS out of the room without asking you first??

joelallie · 30/10/2006 13:08

Sleeping LOs are really cute and granny just wanted to look at him. If she doesn't see him so often perhaps she wants to make the most of it. Can't see it's such a problem myself but I don't see my kids as being 'mine' as such - they belong (in so much as they belong to anyone) to DH, I, my parents and mil. We all have a joint investment in them. Does it really matter if his nap is interrupted just once? I'd be happy that she loved him so much.

happybiggirl · 30/10/2006 13:09

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 30/10/2006 13:12

why don;t you invite them at a time that he will be awake?

and in all honesty...would you rather they didn't want to see him awake? no harm will come to him from missing a bit of sleep...and he gives the grandparents so much pleasure...

yes, he'lll be grumpy and you'll be ticked off....but not worth getting in a rage about IMO.......

Aitchisforharpsichordcarrying · 30/10/2006 13:13

i have been amazed my how ridiculously over-excited my mum has been about dd, her first grandchild. yes, sometimes she oversteps the mark but the bigger picture is that my wee brother told me the other day that he thinks it's the happiest he's seen our mother since my dad died over ten years ago. how could i ever get cross at her, knowing that?

LucyJones · 30/10/2006 13:17

I think checking is fine, waking up is not - ed at someone's MIL waking up 1 week old baby!!
Taking baby into another room perfectly fine too - sounds like you have real issues with your MIL if you expect her to ask permission to do that!

swifter · 30/10/2006 13:27

I really think you should chill out- so she woke him up and he was grizzly in the afternoon? Its once in a while and she was being caring-sometimes us mums have to learn to relenquish control a bit - TBH I like it when my MIL takes little swift off me, gives me 10 mins break!!

belgo · 30/10/2006 13:28

Has your mil done something to really upset you? What are the underlying issues here - you seem to be so mad about something that most people would consider trivial - and I'm trying to understand why.

DrFrankenZooey · 30/10/2006 13:29

I would be very annoyed too, but then I am a huge control freak

I think you are in all likelihood a huge control freak too. Try to relax, it doesn't mix well with having small children

threebob · 30/10/2006 13:42

Excitment at seeing grandparents can make babies grizzly later on. Missing half an hours sleep once in a while will cause no lasting damage.

I am guessing your baby is young.

joelallie · 30/10/2006 13:42

harpsichord - I feel the same way as your brother. My parents are both still living (thank god) but they adore my kids which is the best feeling. And my dad especially worships the ground DS#2 walks on - he knows it's the last little one in the family I think it's taken him this long to get used to having LOs around again and he wasn't a very hands-on dad as it was - his face lights up when DS#s runs up to him and asks to be picked up/read to/played with. It makes me so happy.

Gemmitygem · 30/10/2006 14:48

It is so hard to be calm with first baby/when baby is young/when it's shortly after the birth (hence I cried at my MIL after the waking him incident, and to my shame I also told her not to rustle plastic bags just beside me while I was feeding him! . I was just in a zone of complete new mum hormones. Even now (he is 3 weeks old) I don't actually like people other than me or his dad holding him, even though I know I have to/it's ok etc etc. I look down and my fists are clenched!!

I think a lot of it is also your own family's attitude, for example my mum is very careful and asks permission to take the baby, is wary of waking him, just because in our family people don't just grab babies, they're quite respectful and (I think), put the child's needs first, rather than their own desire to cuddle the child at whatever time, whereas my MIL just marches in and takes him up; yes, it's her way of being loving, but it jars with me!

Hopefully us first timers will chill out (by the LO's 15th birthday or thereabouts!0

clumsymum · 30/10/2006 15:20

Hang on ... You were in your MIL's house, but you were angry because
a) she walked into a room where her grandchild was sleeping IN HER HOUSE
and
b) she took her grandchild to another room IN HER HOUSE without asking your permission ?

Good God Ann what harm do you think this grandmother is going to do to your baby?

I suspect you are a very new mother, but you really are over-reacting here.

Believe me in a few months you'll be very grateful if someone else takes baby off your hands for a while, with or without permission. And if you are not careful, by the time you want that help, you will have upset and alienated the person most well placed to provide it.

Lighten up my love, FAST

WinkyWinkola · 30/10/2006 17:17

The point is that the MIL didn't respect the parents' wishes. That is rude and out of order. She just did what she wanted.

It doesn't matter whose house it is. It matters who the parents are and who makes the parental decisions. To be overridden like that isn't on.

I would be cheesed off too. Not least because as bigger issues do arise, what is the MIL going to do - just do as she pleases regardless of the parents' preferences?

I'd have a gentle word with her about it just to let her know you're not a walkover particularly in regard to future bigger issues.

belgo · 30/10/2006 17:20

It's not nice being undermined. Very bad for the confidence of a new mum. But the examples the OP has given don't show that the grandmother is undermining the mum, IMO. And I don't think the grandmother was being rude.