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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mil goes to check ds while he's sleeping

120 replies

22ann · 29/10/2006 20:26

my dh & i took our ds round to f&mil's @ weekend and she really annoyed me & dh by going into where our ds was sleeping to check on him when we have said before that we don't want anyone going in disturbing him. he usually has a couple of hours sleep @ lunchtime but it was cut short by half an hour. this made him grissly later on & us fumming. she also took ds out of the room where dh & i was without even saying anything to us. she came back after saying ds was bonding with his uncle.

OP posts:
NAB3 · 30/10/2006 17:30

Mine will tell FIL to watch MY child when she leaves the room WHEN I AM THERE!!

She also asked my BIL to check on the baby asleep upstairs (At Xmas, in here house) and made him even when I said she was fine.

WinkyWinkola · 30/10/2006 17:30

But she went in and cut the child's nap by 30 mins when the parents expressly said they didn't want anyone disturbing him? Or have I read the OP wrong?

Maybe you've all got lovely MILs who don't tread on your toes. There are some horrors out there though who think grandparenting is their opportunity to be parents again and think they know best. It can be a nightmare and really really tough on a new mum.

hunkermunker · 30/10/2006 17:31

There's a chance you're being precious about this.

kama · 30/10/2006 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 30/10/2006 17:34

WW - I am experienced in having an interfering MIL and SIL - perhaps it has taught me to be more tolerant then most.

Original poster
22ann · 30/10/2006 17:35

thanks for your messages, yes i think i have overacted a bit.
my dh & i had problems with mil when we wanted to buy a house she didn't think we had been together long enough (we'd been friends & worked at the same place for 6 months then after 6 months being together we decided we wanted to live together)& i should move out of my flat & live with her son till we got to know each other better, which we did but i wanted to get married or at least be making plans to before i moved in with him, which mil disliked intensley.
we wanted to get married in the sept(dh proposed in dec) but couldn't due to his brother being out of the country till following april, we managed to move it to april before he left.

sometimes i feel that she is trying to take over, m&fil constantly want us to do things their way, which we take with a bit of salt most of the time.
it is their way of showing they care but sometimes it really gets to me, as they won't just leave it they keep on &on. when dh was organising his paternity leave his dad kept trying to organise when he took it.

OP posts:
kama · 30/10/2006 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
22ann · 31/10/2006 08:07

thank you ww, i've appreciated your advice in the past and found it very good.
my mil is a retired teacher as is the fil they are used to & enjoy being in control of situations which can be overwhelming especially like myself being a first time mum (ds nearly 9 months)
while i know she was checking on my ds out of being caring, with them it's a fine line - you give them an inch & they'll take a mile, i know out of experience.

it is really difficult knowing what to do, i want to keep our relationship calm & happy but if my dh & i have specifically said we don't want our ds disturbed while he's having his nap then really she should respect our wishes. i do feel that mil likes to do & expects everything to revolve round her, she is that sort of person. when dh & i got together i felt that she couldn't handle another female being around especially one who made her own decisions that were not the same as hers.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 31/10/2006 08:39

Hmmm, I don't agree clumsymum. I certainly wouldn't be at all pleased if anyone picked my baby up and took him into a different room without asking either me or dh first. (And I am not a very new mother.) It's just presumptive and bad manners.

To the OP - I would start insisting on some ground rules now if I were you, otherwise things could get very difficult indeed as your baby gets older. It's very difficult trying to bring up a child consistently, when you have a panel of interfering relatives butting in and undermining you.

PumpkinMilkshake · 31/10/2006 09:05

Hi 22ann, IL's still driving you mad? Me too!
I agree with WW - as have in the past. Some MIL & FIL are great - others are a nightmare who want to teach their kids how to be parents - despite the fact that things have changed since it was thier turn, besides everyone has a right to find their own feet even if it means making mistakes along the way. .

Dont know what to say to you ann, other than your not alone and feel free to vent. To those who get on with thier IL's you dont know how lucky you are.

we visited my IL's at the weekend. My niece was there who is a year younger than DD. Both my DH and me had seen to small choc bars in the fridge when MIL was asking us what we wanted for lunch. However MIL was told by SIL not to feed niece as she was going home for lunch. So she shared a packet of quavers between them. My niece then went in to fridge and helped herself to a bar of choc. My DD saw it and asked for one to which MIL replied sorry I only had one! Does she think we are blind! See there are some complete mares out there.

Also IL's house is full of photos of GC, my DD has about 5 pics up and niece and her baby sister about 25! Am so sick of my DD being treated second best I truly feel like telling them to forget about her all together - she's better off without them!

Sorry have turned this in to a rant about my IL's. But as I said you are not alone. (())

theunknownrebelbang · 31/10/2006 09:17

No disrespect to anyone, but I so wish I had my mil and mum to do things with my darlings boys, even if they were things that irritated me.

ProfYaffle · 31/10/2006 09:36

Can totally relate to the photo think PMS. When dh and I got married the il's put up one photo of dd and one of themselves. DH and I jokingly asked where the photos of us were (dh had 2 brothers, he's the only one to get married so far) so they reluctantly put one of us up but i'm looking to the side and the wind has blown my hair across my face so you can't see my face at all!

They also have about 3 photos of dd and dozens of their other 2 grandchildren.

ProfYaffle · 31/10/2006 09:38

Just to clarify, I'm talking about putting up photos of our wedding.

franca70 · 31/10/2006 10:32

I think that waking up a baby is never a very good idea and won't make you popular with said baby's parents. If both you and your husband feel your inlaws are trying to interfere with your decisions, I think it'd be healthier for you to calmly discuss it with them. (I know it's easier said than done!) However, I think that it is lovely for children to have a loving, independent relationship with their grandparents, if you think you want this, I wouldn't worry if she took baby to another room to play a little bit on their own.
Personally, I love that my children are growing up being very close to my parents, dh's parents, our siblings etc. It is something I actively encourage. It is also true that I trust and respect them and don't feel my maternal role undermined if they have different ways of dealing with the children. I'd might feel different if we had a diffferent kind of relationship.

PumpkinMilkshake · 31/10/2006 10:51

Hi Franca,

I envy you. My DM and DD are no long with us so I only have DH's fmily. Unfortuneatly I dont agree with my IL's view on raising children. Both their DS's were hit as children, which although more acceptable back then.. FIL used hand - MIL used a stick, which she has shown SIL she still has beside her armchair now - like some sort of hideous trophy.

We do try to see DH B and SIL as much as poss, but they live over 2 hours away, and as they are near MIL she always wants to be there too so we can never really have a good chat. Plus she follows the GC round with a camera tring to get them to pose all the time so the poor things never have time to play or get to know each other. She drives us insane!

WinkyWinkola · 31/10/2006 10:56

Oh god. The grandparent paparazzi frenzy! We get that too. My son is left blinking after they've blitzed him with their camera. Why can't they just be normal, relaxed and not so bl**dy frantic about him? It's pathetic.

franca70 · 31/10/2006 11:36

Pumpkin, I'm so sorry, you must be missing your parents so much.
can't believe your MIL hit her children with a stick and still keeps it as a throphy.
!

FreakyFloss · 31/10/2006 11:45

I go in and check on DS all the time. Even at nearly two. Sometimes naps get cut short. Sometimes babies will be grumpy. It was only half an hour. Sleeping babies are beautiful and ought to be looked at when sleeping. Would you rather MIL and FIL didn't bother at all?

Original poster
22ann · 31/10/2006 12:26

we get the photo shots too, every time f&mil are here they are clicking away like japanese tourists!

what do you think is best - when we next go over to mil for me or dh to say about not disturbing ds
she can twist things when i say anything - pretending to be really upset over things & we end up getting an email from fil in fact to be honest when my dh says anything she doesn't like we get an email too.
it's their turn to come over to us in a few weeks should we just casually drop it into conversation - that we don't check on ds during daytime naps as he can be a light sleeper & he gets really grumpy later on (as she witnessed) if he doesn't get a couple of hours.
i did say before we went that we've got a tired baby so we'll be making a move & she asked if ds would of gone back after she went in to see him, i said sometimes he does.

an i being over protective about mil taking ds out of the room without saying anything to us (dh felt the same)

OP posts:
Bozza · 31/10/2006 12:29

I definitely think you are being over protective about the grandmother taking a 9mo out of the room without permission.

WinkyWinkola · 31/10/2006 13:05

I'd want to know where my baby is at all times. Nobody, and I mean, nobody, can just take him where they want especially if he was asleep!

Thing is, it's totally up to 22an what she wants, whether she's being over protective or not. It's up to her. That's the point. Her wishes aren't being respected here.

I don't think she's being over protective at all. She's probably really irritated by some old bat who couldn't care less what the parents want.

I'd just use the words, "I'd rather you didn't......" and "DH and I have decided it's better that DS isn't disturbed........." and eventually, if you're being ignored, "I'm DS's mother and it is I who make any parenting decisions about his naps etc. It would be lots easier if you could respect that."

Let her get upset. Rather her upset than you. It's your life and your baby. You're not being out of order at all.

3monkeys · 31/10/2006 13:25

I can see the point about the nap but if a grandma wants to take him out of the room, where's the problem? I love being at a grandparents house and the children all disappear - less work for me! My mum or my MIL would be horrendously offended if I asked them to ask my permission first

joelallie · 31/10/2006 13:33

ITA but can only assume that it must be down to the type of grandparent and the relationship with the parents.

Pinotmum · 31/10/2006 13:34

My mil did stuff like this when my 2 were tiny. I got pissed off with it and dh just shrugged. They are now 6 yo and 4 yo and tbh it's lovely that they are so loved by their grandparents. They have a relationship with grandparents that I never had as mine lived miles away and weren't too interested anyway. If it were your parent{s} would you react the same. I always looked at it from that point of view because my mum never annoyed me s much as mil but sometimes they did the same thing

Bozza · 31/10/2006 13:39

Sleeping baby is a different issue. But taking a 9mo out of the room? TBH there are plenty of 9mos (not mine I hasten to add) who can crawl and take themselves out of the room. I would take my nephews out of the room at 9 months (one is my sis's DS and one DH's sis's DS) although would generally have had DD who would have been about 18 months then attacking my leg.

I think not letting your MIL take him out of the room is showing a distinct lack of faith in her. And I would be hurt if my DIL (hypothetical because DS is only 5) did it to me.