mil goes to check ds while he's sleeping

[22ann]

my dh & i took our ds round to f&mil's @ weekend and she really annoyed me & dh by going into where our ds was sleeping to check on him when we have said before that we don't want anyone going in disturbing him. he usually has a couple of hours sleep @ lunchtime but it was cut short by half an hour. this made him grissly later on & us fumming. she also took ds out of the room where dh & i was without even saying anything to us. she came back after saying ds was bonding with his uncle.

Hang on, Cod is a SAHM. I don't think that is the point she is making. More that because you are SAHM it doesn't mean that you have to be with your children every second of every day. You can have other interests.

Well it came accross very much that SAHM are ruining their children by not going out without them during the day. Nothing was said about other interests. I go to the cinnema regularly with a friend - that an interest, but DH looks after DD when I do. And as already pointed out I not a stay at home mum - because I can't be, but DH and I work it out between us and dont need anyone else to care for her

DH and I go out occasionally and DD is left with a friend when we do. However we still love to be with DD more than anything, and where we used to have nice meals for two, we now take often take DD as well. Should we be leaving her at home?

I do wonder how you will feel when your daughters-in-law don't trust you with their children, your grandchildren. I think it would be extremely hurtful to be told that you can't even take them into a different room in your own house. My parents and PIL do all sorts of things that I used to gulp at, but they are my children's grandparents. They ADORE the children. They are part of their family, and whatever issues we may have, they NEVER impact on the children.

I really think that parenting should be a shared family experience.

Showing your in-laws that you trust them now will pay dividends when they are able to confidently handle your child and offer you - bliss - a break. Yes it is your child, but it is also their grandchild. You need to step back and respect that. Unless they are doing something totally MAD, remember that they successfully brought up their own families and they know a lot about parenting that you will take a good 30 years to learn.

Remember also that babies born into families where they have siblings get absolutely none of this routine/silence/attention - and they thrive too.

you really need to have another child or 2 very soon that will knock this preciousnes on the head - am laughing at the angst in the problem tbh - get over it

What happens if your IL's have demonstrated that they can't be trusted?? Should we just ignore potential risk to our children.

One post on here said about a GP letting a child spill boiling water on themselves and acting like it was nothing. Anna's original point was that IL's woke her DS when she asked them not to as it interferes with his routine. My MIL still shows us the stick she hit DH with as a child. Gives food when asked not too and keeps children awake on purpose. Also she treats the children of her two DS's very differently - which I feel is wrong!

If my own DM was still here I would have very different things to say about her because she always supported DH and I with our decisions etc and followed our routines.

I think this thread has two lines now:
One - Parents and IL's and whether they can look after DC's
Two - The need for some parents to know where and who and how their child is being cared for at any given moment.

Sorry if I got on my soap box for a while , but I have issues with IL's and feel like I need to be with my DD and DH more than I do with anyone else.

My MIL has taught me one thing though....how not to be a grandparent.

BTW Mud, second child will be here in a matter of weeks and I can't imagine feeling any different towards DD or IL's when s/he does arrive

I have absolutely no problems with my mum/MIL feeding my children sweets or biscuits. They spoil their grandchildren, as I was spoiled by my grandparents. My grandma used to give me sugar sandwiches. I know that, when they see their grandparents, routines (such as i have) go slightly to pot. And do you know, I think it is worth it to give children that special grandparents feeling. My dh is completely gobsmacked at the things that his mother does with our children. She was VERY strict with him - a pushover with her grandchildren. Dnagerous behaviour is different, but a different approach to child-rearing is nothing to get your knickers in a twist about.

Well 22ann has posted nothing to make me think that there is any reason for her MIL not to be trusted to take a 9mo (ie not a 9 day old) into the next room. It seems sad that she trusts her so little.

oh this is so obvious. its a dominant alpha female thing.

22wants to assert her dominant status - honey let me tell you the older female will always be alpha female - just thank fuck i#'m not your mother in law or you would be posting " my mil doesn't give a shit about my baby"

steady on saintbernard !

My ILs used to babysit for us and we'd tell them the children were asleep and would they not go upstairs. Every time we'd get home and MIL would say they'd been up there because they "like to check on our charges" and 9 times out of 10 one of the kids would then be awake for hours after the ILs had gone home. Once we came home after midnight to find one of them (under 5 yo) still up where they'd disturbed him and he "wouldn't go back to sleep". So for one night out we'd be paying for the broken routine for weeks. We stopped going out in the end because it just wasn't worth the hassle.

And for all their obsessively close relationship when the children were tiny, the ILs live 10 mins up the road and the kids (now 15 to 20 and obviously not so interesting) have not seen "nanny" since last Xmas... (not my doing) although we see FIL quite regularly as he drops in most weeks. Just wasn't worth all the hassle of the early years

22an, if you don't like the behaviour then gently say something. It's tough if MIL is offended. Don't listen to the Alpha Female tosh! Never heard such tripe.

Morningpaper,

Absolutely disagree with you there. The way I bring up my child and the way I choose to bring up my child is completely different to the way my ILs brought up theirs. They can keep their 30 years of experience, thanks! I won't wean my kids at 2 weeks, I won't hit them, I won't throw them across the room when they come into my bedroom at night, I won't try to interfere with the way they choose to bring up their own children. Need I say more?

The way I see is it is that GPs have had their turn at parenting and now it's the parents' turn. And it is the GPs that should respect the parents choices. However much they love their grandchildren. Nothing to do with that special relationship developing. That will develop regardless. There's just no need to disregard the parents' wishes as is happening here.

Totally agree winkywonkola. I want to make my own choices with dh about how we do things. No disrespect to gp, or il's.
I want the gp / il's to have a lovely, friendly, happy relationship with my children, just not one where they have a say in parenting styles or decision making.

Winky: I think we all know that this isn't about allowing grandparents to ABUSE children.

But late nights / sweets / broken "routine" is NOT abuse fgs!

It isn't just one small step from popping in to see your sleeping grandchildren because you love them so much to throwing them across the room.

this is the silliest thread I've ever read.

"my mother in law took my baby into the next room without EVEN asking"

idiotic. she managed not to kill your husband when he was a baby didn't she?

But can't you read between the lines? It's really not very hard. 22an has posted before about her MIL disregarding her wishes. It's NOT simply about taking the child into the next room.

That you can't see that FGS, is idiotic. Nothing to do with abuse.

no I can't be arsed to read between the lines, anyone who thinks their MIL should say "now dear, I'd like to walk 6 ft into the kitchen, is that OK?" is either (a) a v immature 19 yr old, in which case she should be told not to be so silly or (b) is idiotic

I don't think its silly in the slightest. My dd is 3 now so no new mum neurosis here and I'd be hacked off if my mum/ MIL did that. Its not the actual action that matters, its the lack of respect. As a parent you know best about your child so what you say should be set in stone, and no-one should disregard that without checking with you first. It doesn't have to be in the way of 'please, please let me pick up my grandchild', just a quick 'going to take him/her in the other room, ok'.

As a parent you automatically have the whole of your childs life/safety covered in a way that no-one else does so you need to be aware and in control as much as possible, and when someone disregards your instructions/ wishes they stop you from doing that just a little bit. And I think you have the right to be annoyed that they've done that.

Oh God is this still going.

Build a bridge and get over it, you will have more to worry you as you move forward.

I spend most of my days DESPERATE for someone to take the children into another room

If anyone disregards my wishes relating to my ds I would be quite miffed, the fact that it could be a mil makes no difference.

In fact, a mil should know better.

sorry - just my opinion {smile}

can't type

If you want them to do it then you either have or should make that clear and then they already know your wishes. But if your wishes are that your child is NOT to be disturbed then that should be respected. My dd is an angel to get to sleep but if woken prematurely she's a demon to get back to sleep so I would hit the roof if someone woke her by checking on her unnecessarily/ carting her off for no need etc, which I think is reasonable. However, if the person doing it was happy to get her back to sleep themselves if she woke up, taking 6 hours to do it if necessary, I would be quite happy for them to do what they liked, as they're taking the consequences.

I think it's impossible to convey on here the subtle family dynamics which make us react the way we do to seemingly inocuous behaviour. My MIL for example has regarded me as lower than an amoeba since I met dh eleven years ago. Before we were married she was very vocal about it, sent us abusive letters, refused to have me in her house, called me horrible names to other family members. Since the wedding and especially the children, she has been much more cooperative and really quite supportive of us at times, and I appreciate it, although we will never be close. I try very hard not to bear grudges and I am pleased that she behaves more civilly now. However she makes virtually no effort to see the children - she has only been here two or three times since ds1 was born (she has a car, is very wealthy and travels all over the world on her own - I think she's in Prague this week). We go to her house with the children for a family get-together every February, and are treated like second-class citizens because her elder son and his girlfriend are rich, successful and work in the City. I don't care about any of that crap and I do try not to let it interfere with her and the children enjoying the short time they have together.

However, given the background to our reltaionship, I do take exception to some of the things she does which I feel are disrespectful of me as their mother. When ds1 was 2 and we had travelled for 6 hours to get to her house, I called her from the train and said that ds1 would not need to eat when we arrived, he was exhausted and would need to go straight to bed (it was 11pm). She agreed. When we arrived she literally snatched him out of my arms and took him into her kitchen, where she proceeded to feed him a yoghurt, nagging him about spilling it down his front (he still remembers that because he thought it was odd that she should mind him getting food on his bib!). When she arrived to see ds2 (he was about a week old), not having seen any of us for almost a year, she strode into the room, snatched the baby out of my arms and took him into the kitchen. She hadn't even said "hello". I also remember little things like her swinging ds2 in his baby bouncer after I had asked her not to - she didn't mean him any harm but it really made me nervous. Also her pretending that we were all going on a "nice family walk" when ds1 was 2 and ds2 was only 3mo - it turned out to be an 8-mile trek to dh's father's grave . She gave me no opportunity to prepare ds1 for this, she just went her own way.

So I can see 22ann's point, if it's part of a build-up of disrespectful and undermining behaviour. I do bite my tongue with MIL because she's not a bad old stick really, she really does love dh and the boys in her own very limited way, she is just a pain in the arse. But I think if I had to see her more frequently and have an ongoing day-to-day relationship, then I would have to put my foot down about some things for my own sanity.

Another old auntie, by contrast, stuffs them full of chocs/crap, takes them out into the garden, sneaks in to watch them sleeping - and it diesn't rub me up the wrong way, somehow, because I know she isn't making a point, and she doesn't want to take over, she just loves children!