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Original poster

mil goes to check ds while he's sleeping

120 replies

22ann · 29/10/2006 20:26

my dh & i took our ds round to f&mil's @ weekend and she really annoyed me & dh by going into where our ds was sleeping to check on him when we have said before that we don't want anyone going in disturbing him. he usually has a couple of hours sleep @ lunchtime but it was cut short by half an hour. this made him grissly later on & us fumming. she also took ds out of the room where dh & i was without even saying anything to us. she came back after saying ds was bonding with his uncle.

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 31/10/2006 13:53

My pil would check up on ds when he was tiny and they'd been left in sole charge. They honestly couldn't stop themselves. He too was a very light sleeper and would wake at the slightest disturbance. They only had to put up with he aftermath on their own a couple of times for them to learn their lesson. But then he's always really needed his routine to be just so for him to be happy - anything else and it'll take hours to find the happy button again.
Any chance of letting them learn by their own mistakes?
Same thing happened 1.5-2 years down the line on the discipline front. They were always completely indulgent and would never enforce our limits on ds, naughty step him etc and then low and behold their little angel started treating them really badly (hitting, screaming, tantrums ....). Took a while to sort that out because he was understandably a little confused when the lesson clicked. Again, though, I only explained why he was acting the way he was to them. I didn't lay down the law for them.

PumpkinMilkshake · 31/10/2006 16:44

Am with 22ann, while DD was little - ie had to be carried everywhere then she stayed in mine or DH's site always. When she got older and wanted to go off exploring I was happy for whoever to go with her.

Have to say I know I have control issues - diagnosed by a counsellor and everything but I can't change who I am and what I am comfortable with in terms of the treatment of my child! It's a very personal state of being

threebob · 31/10/2006 17:16

Looked at another way, your MIL walked into a room in her own house.

WinkyWinkola · 31/10/2006 18:39

I think it boils down to trust and respect. Perhaps there isn't much of either going on in 22an's situation? Sounds that way to me! The taking the child out of the room without asking is simply symptomatic of the granny's attitude in general.

I have sympathy for her anyway. My MIL took my 5 month old son into her kitchen by herself where he dragged a cup of boiling water over his legs. He was screaming. She sat there, holding him like a lemon, not doing anything to help him. She now doesn't take him anywhere without my permission! I know these things can happen to anyone but not to act when something bad has happened just spells out not trustworthy to me.

selee · 31/10/2006 19:01

my mil told me i should leave my baby to cry as it was best for him when he was LESS than 24 hours old, then gave me bossy lectures on not bottlefeeding (when i was actually trying to establish breastfeeding). the amount of gaffes she made to a new mum of less than a day was hysterical.

when you are a new mum its hard to deal with interfering people who should know better.
because of this,and more, i do feel a bit bitter and touchy with her. and i admit i even feel a bit bitter about her being with ds at all. the resentment has built up.

but i overcompensate as i am aware of how i feel about her, and am all gushy nicey-nicey when she's around, also i make an effort for dh sake too. all through gritted teeth mind!

with i could let it go but it still annoys me.
i do understand 22an !!!!!!!

AuldAlliance · 31/10/2006 19:34

I think it also depends on the baby and how you are coping. DS had gastric reflux and was really hard work, screaming endlessly for understandable reasons but nonetheless driving us demented as he wouldn't sleep in the day nor could we put him down. When we stayed with MIL, she insisted she knew what to do and would push him through the streets in the pram for hours, coming back looking bemused that he was still screaming, but then doing the same thing the next day. I was exhausted and overtired and do remember getting very agitated at people waking DS up when I'd only just got him off to sleep and was looking forward to a moment to have a shower, wash up or do something equally selfish and indulgent. It's hard getting things into perspective when you're so tired, everything becomes a major drama. Whether you're at home or at MIL's house makes little difference if you feel that what you know works for your baby is being disregarded, whatever the motives. IME it'll all be water under the bridge in a few months/years - or if your MIL is like mine a new conflict will have replaced this one

Original poster
22ann · 01/11/2006 08:09

thank you for your understanding and support, my dh is going to mention something to mil the next time she walks into the room where ds is having his nap and also if they take ds out of the room without saying to us. when ds starts crawling & walking i think it is important to know where he is for safety reasons - something i'm sure every mother/father would think important.
everytime we see f&mil something happens/comments made that we don't agree on generally regarding ds, something iam coming to terms with & dh & i being more assertive about.
it just feels like a battle all the time with them, but ds is only 9 months so i suppose the more we assert ourselves now the more they'll think twice about their actions/comments in the future - hopefully!!

OP posts:
lizziemun · 01/11/2006 08:41

i know how you feel about waking ds while having a nap, my pil used to do this until dd stayed over night with them when they relised as i had be saying for last 9mths that if dd did get enough sleep during the day then she would wake 5 or 6 times during the night.

Funnly enough they have ask to have her over night since she is noe 2yrs 9mths.

Original poster
22ann · 01/11/2006 08:41

it's not just for safety reasons about taking ds out of room without saying to dh/or i, i want ds to be close while he's this age, i feel more at ease.
what do you think is the best way to say this to mil?

OP posts:
anniemac · 01/11/2006 09:28

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PumpkinMilkshake · 01/11/2006 09:31

Yes absolutley. You and I have had the conversation before, we both seem to be in need of the physical reassurance that we get when our little ones are close. My DD is 3 now, and although she's off to pre-school etc without me and I know it's important to her development, I love nothing more than bringing her home for a cuddle and play because I have missed her so much!

This is the way we are. Just because someone else is happy to let their IL's have there DC for a few hours or take them out of the room etc doesnt me we have to feel like we are in the wrong, and by the same token we have no right to comment on what they are doing. Neither is right or wrong, it's all about trust and respect between paretn and grandparent and the parent and childs individual needs.

PumpkinMilkshake · 01/11/2006 09:32

Sorry last message was towards 22ann's last comment.

Original poster
22ann · 01/11/2006 10:25

maybe i am blowing it out of proportion a little bit about wanting ds to be so close- perhaps parents feel like this prior to babies starting to crawl & get their own independence( moving on to the next stage, like when they go to school?)my dh & i are unhappy about mil taking ds out of the room without saying to us - we still feel the same about that.
what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
22ann · 01/11/2006 10:32

i agree with pm about some gps having gc for long periods it is their parents choice if they want that to happen some don't have a choice if they have to work i know - i don't work that's my choice, i am lucky that i don't have to.
the gp's all have friends who look after gc for long periods due to work commitments/social life & they see that as the norm & expect the same from us.
if they were to think back to when they were in our position i'm sure they would probably feel the same - although you say that to them & they conveniently can't remember!

OP posts:
VanillaMilkshake · 01/11/2006 10:48

Agree, it;s luck when you have a choice.

When my mum was alive she looked after DD between 6 and 15 months, for about 3 hours on a Friday each week so DH could do some overtime while I worked. I trusted my mum implicitly and she always treated DD in a way both DH and I felt kept to our routine and was appropriate.

MIL proved it this weeked that she has total diregard for what SIL and I want for our children by giving neice crisps and choclcate when SIL expressly asked her not to as she was going home for lunch.

SIL did have MIL to look after her DD when she worked. But would often come home to find her DD awake in stead of in bed for her nap - so her routine was completly undermined. Also MIL used to keep niece up so she was awake to see grandad when he finished work. I would then get calls from SIL late at night saying her DD was over tired and screaming and IL's had just gone home having had enough of screaming - even though it was thier fault.

DH and I are very lucky as we can both work, but his shifts and my flexible hours allow us to care for her without childcare etc.

anniemac · 01/11/2006 10:54

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anniemac · 01/11/2006 10:56

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Bozza · 01/11/2006 11:05

I totally agree with anniemac. This is not a newborn we are talking about, it is a big, cuddly 9mo. As long as the child is not protesting (this is an age for seperation anxiety) I would think it was perfectly natural for a grandmother to take him into another room. Do you not want him to have a realtinship with his grandparents?

ProfYaffle · 01/11/2006 11:22

I can understand where you're coming from 22ann I think the context is key here rather than the specific examples you've given. When you feel out of control and undermined it's easy to read too much into small incidents. I suspect if you felt your IL's listened to you more you wouldn't mind them taking ds into other rooms etc.

I think you and I posted on a thread about overbearing parents recently. My parents can be very controlling as well. When dd was just a few weeks old I was at their house and asked them to look after her while i was sleeping. I woke up to an empty house, they had taken her out without telling me, asking me not even leaving a note! They hadn't taken nappies and had no idea when her next feed was due (I was bf). it eventually turned out they'd gone to the park but didn't know how to assemble her pram and it had collapsed with dd in it half way there!

Even though I was frantic I knew they had her and she wouldn't be in any actual mortal danger, when they got back I explained I'd been worried about her food etc and, to be fair, they did restrain themselves and didn't do it again until about 2 years later (which was a couple of months ago).

In these situations you have to pick your battles, I think if you complain about them taking your ds into another room you may be seen as petty then they won't take other, more serious, complaints seriously. I would be quite assertive about sleep though.

shhhh · 01/11/2006 15:53

22ann, I know exactly where you are coming from and like others have said, those of you who get on with your il's...good luck and welldone..!!

I have had issues with my il's since dd was 12 months and I find it hard allowing them gp time with dd. BUT this is down to issues I have experienced with them.

Also the comment about "after a few weeks you will be glad of someone taking dc away from you for peace etc". FFS..I disagree totally. DD is now 17 months and dh & I have never left dd overnight with anyone and if she is left during the day its been due to antenatal scans etc. Neither of us want to leave dd and neither of us are "glad of that break"!! We rush back to her asap..!! BUT thats our views.

The point about taking dc out of the room etc..I also agree with you 22ann..mil did this with dd when she was weeks/months old and dh was just as anxious as I was. We didn't see her need to take dd off upstairs when we were all sat downstairs. Like you said, we are the parents and it was unnecessary. Suppose everyones parenting skills are different. The reasons for us was that she is our dd and she is precious to us, we don't want her being put at risk or in a situation we are not happy with iykwim.

You are not mad or unjustified. You are being a parent and the choices and decisions you make are your's and your dh's no one elses.Both my parents and il's know this..sure they make comments on how we should be with dd BUT she's our dd. End of..!!!

Good luck and keep up the good work, you are being a fantastic mum.

shhhh · 01/11/2006 15:58

just to add, dd has only ever been left with my parents on about 2 occasions..Oh and it was for a few hours and was not through our choice..!!

I'm a sahm mum and very lucky to be in this position, I'm dd's sole carer apart from weekends when dh takes over .

TheDaVinciCod · 01/11/2006 15:59

shhj ihtink thast bad
i htink you need to haev more to your life than sol career for your kid
i htnk mums hwo dont go out for a hsort while and leave their kdis IME are smothering adn ov over proticetive

TheDaVinciCod · 01/11/2006 16:01

adn I BET your dd is bored of you now surely

Bibliophile · 01/11/2006 16:18

I'm sorry but some of this reminds me of the Catherine Tate sketch about the paranoid parents.

VanillaMilkshake · 01/11/2006 16:26

Right lets be straight we are all being the best parents we can...right? And what gives one parent a right to tell another parent they are being smothering and over protective. I am really cross at this comment. I love my DD more than anything, and I recognise she benefits from time away from me. But that doesnt mean to say other people can do what they like with my DD without asking me or DH. And so what if I someone chooses to stay at home. These days you're dammed if you do and dammed if you dont!

Sorry DaVinciKid but you're comments have really made me cross!