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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/03/2015 22:07

Yes I can see how that might make you just collapse or give up. :(

But it might happen if someone's a bit slow or not listening properly. Sometimes if they're not expecting you to say something, they can't work out how to respond. So don't be disheartened please, and don't think anyone wants you go live the way you are. It's terrible and you are so strong just to survive xxx

Please don't give up, whatever you do. We'll be here if you can't get out, but really, it's such a scary situation, everyone on here will be cheering if you manage it

Try and get one phrase in your head, and keep saying it until someone helps. Don't back down or go away, just keep saying it like a stuck record.

Maybe
" hi there I really need you to help me, im NOT OK. I'm escaping a dangerous relationship, with my children. I need you to call the police and let me sit down please."

And repeat...

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 22:09

Good phrase to remember, Miscellaneous.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/03/2015 22:10

Sorry I just thought of something else to say as well...

Here's my better suggestion:

"hi there I really need you to help me, im NOT OK. I'm escaping a dangerous relationship, with my children. I need you to call the police and let me sit down please. It's really important, I might not get another chance to escape from him"

MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 22:11

Complete yes to having a phrase ready. That's a very good idea. It will help you to feel more in control aswell.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/03/2015 22:12

Go to the school reception and if you can't get the words out, ask for a pen & paper, and write down that message and give it to them... Or get them to read it off your phone...

Xxx

Original poster

mariam101 · 19/03/2015 22:14

Miscellaneousassortment thank u I will be practically sprinting to that school with pushchair and bags might look like a lunatic but oh well. I need to get out no matter how I look doing it. I will defo be doing that all the way repeating one phrase of what I should say to someone to help me.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 19/03/2015 22:22

Good luck Mariam, xxx

chocolatefingersandtoes · 19/03/2015 22:27

Good luck OP, my heart is in my mouth for your escape tomorrow...only 23...you really do have the rest of your life to heal and recover from this nightmare. Your new safe, happy life with your children begins tomorrow. You are so brave to do this and your children really, really need you to do this too. All the best!

BeautifulPain · 19/03/2015 22:28

Good luck Mariam your doing the right thing, don't turn the vacuum off just leave it in and go.

RustyParker · 19/03/2015 22:31

Oh Mariam, you are so brave and absolutely doing the right thing.

I can't imagine the staff in my child's school to not help a Mum in your situation so I think your child's school will help you too. Remember, by helping you they will be helping the children too. Some excellent advice from posters.

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2015 22:48

Don't worry about packimg clothes. WA always have a stash of kids and women's clothing. As well as toys etc. I donate to my local WA and this thread has reminded me why I do it.

Stay strong and focussed. You CAN do this xxx

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 23:02

Well done, Marthas. WA need all the donations they can muster.

CunningCat · 19/03/2015 23:07

Schools have a duty of care to their pupils under every child matters and safeguarding policies. Your situation and your children's definitely falls in this band. Go to school as pp have said and tell them you need their help to keep your children safe.
At the very least get to the school and ring the police on your mobile from there if you have to. I am thinking of you tonight and sending you strength to escape from this desperate situation. You can do it! I know you can.
I left my abusive ex with two kids 20 years ago in just the clothes we were wearing, but my family rescued me, so at least I had some RL support. Your situation is different but you can do it!

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 23:11

In any case, a school's first instinct is often to ring the police about things - they usually have very good relations with the local force. Actually being asked to do it - and having an excuse to miss the 100s of kids milling about shrieking ECLIPSE - will likely make the school secretary's day.

CunningCat · 19/03/2015 23:15

Wrt to looking like a lunatic running down road with pushchair and bags! Who cares, it is a means to an end and in years to come you will recognise how brave you are. My eldest DD is your age (no kids yet) I would do ANYTHING to save her from the horror you are suffering.

rubyshoes3 · 19/03/2015 23:32

Like all the posters have already said, you are doing the right thing and you can do this. It may seem difficult now but it will be so worth it. My sister was in exactly the same situation as you. She was not even allowed to go to front door without permission. It took her so long to leave as she had no confidence left in herself but now 2 years on she and her children are so happy and safe. You can do this.

Original poster

mariam101 · 20/03/2015 04:50

Needless to say iv woke up to feed bby milk and the nerves I have are unreal I remeber when I left last time I didn't feel like this. I know I doing the right thing but it doesn't help knowing there is a psyco upstairs hu cud get up at any time I'm feeling really anxious

OP posts:

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 20/03/2015 05:10

It'll be part fear and part adrenaline with excitement.
This time tomorrow there won't be a psycho upstairs

Try to get some rest. It'll be fine.

43percentburnt · 20/03/2015 06:08

Just logged on to say again, good luck, you are doing the right thing. The school will help, if they for any reason won't help as another poster said ask them to call the police.

Hurr1cane · 20/03/2015 06:28

Just read all this I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you can do this!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/03/2015 06:38

Good luck today, you have hundreds of women behind you

gemdrop84 · 20/03/2015 07:21

Good Luck. You CAN do this. Think of your children, sending you hugs.

chinuphigh · 20/03/2015 07:33

Tonight, you will be sleeping somewhere new with all your lovely children in your arms and you will be safe. Big hugs op.

maccie · 20/03/2015 07:46

It may be an idea to request the school ring the police AND children's services at the same time.

I'm a little worried that the police in OP's area are not that effective against domestic abuse from what she has previously posted. If she is not trying to report a crime they might not be as helpful as they should. Children's services should recognise the real danger OP is in.

I am not for a second saying the police are not needed or that the husband has not committed crimes against OP but I think it would be better for OP to have as much appropriate help as possible.

Good luck today. I will be thinking of you and your babies and willing you a speedy escape.

Original poster

mariam101 · 20/03/2015 07:54

Thanks I seem to be feeling better and mre prepared I still have fear but to think in and hour or so I will be free I can't think of anything better

OP posts:

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