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Original poster

Gaslighting or postnatal depression?

111 replies

Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 09:40

Was going to nc for this...but meh, beyond that now.

This morning I found a receipt where my DP had spent £70 at a bar last night with a female friend. They were only there 2 hours, I questioned him on it and he went mental said I was actually sick, there was something wrong with me. I am convinced there must have been other people there or they must have been drinking champagne or something...which in itself isn't an issue, its more that he lied about it - told me he drank pints and that he needed to see her because she needed to talk.

Thing is, maybe I did overreact, I've been quite low recently- we had a baby nearly 5 months ago. After that argument, I've booked a doctors appointment for later today.

Not quite sure what Im asking....am I mental or is it a bit him?

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 12/03/2015 09:43

What? Are you in London?? Sounds like a lot for a couple of hours in a bar. Did he buy ALL the drinks?

What's your relationship like usually? is he a good dad? Supportive?

Sounds OTT to go 'mental' and say you're 'sick' - YANBU to question the amount of money. Sounds like he's feeling guilty.

How did you find the receipt? Werre you snooping?

Hard to advise on such a snippet of your life, but it certainly sounds as if he's defensive and wasn't very nice to you. How do you feel the rest of the time?

Flowers to you.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/03/2015 09:44

Is it possible he got cash back in the bar? Unlikely, or he'd have just said he had.

Did they have something to eat? Do you know his friend? Could you ask her?

currentnameinuse · 12/03/2015 09:47

No you're not mental - how dare he turn this back onto you. He seems to have a guilty conscience? If you are a bit low after having his baby shouldn't he be at home supporting you rather than living it up with a 'friend'?

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 09:48

yeah, London prices, but still! and yes, he bought all her drinks too...but they must have really been necking them down. He didn't get cash back and they bought chips on the way home.

I was totally snooping, I won't lie. That's probably why he's so annoyed.

He's a good dad and clearly loves our DC. But he does go out 1-2 times a week. I had tried talking to him the night before about how I was feeling down and he got grumpy and said I sounded ungrateful.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 09:52

£70 is certainly do-able if it was a London bar, he was showing off and they were drinking expensive drinks.

How did you know he was with a female friend though? Bar receipts don't generally show details of the 'company'.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 09:54

Oh he was open about meeting up with her, I don't have a problem with her.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 12/03/2015 09:55

So are you jealous of her? Or suspicious of him? I'd be a bit cross if dh went through my purse to find receipts - but then I wasn't out with another man in a pub when my dc was 4 months old, buying him drinks Hmm

Do you go out 1-2 times a week as well? Do you feel that's unfair?

Sounds like he may be finding it hard to adjust to the pressure of being a dad (but that's being generous). He doesn't sounds very supportive.

Twinklestein · 12/03/2015 09:55

You could easily spend £70 on drinks for two in a London bar, cocktails, champagne, nibbles etc.

It would be better for him if there had been other people there, but unfortunately I don't believe there were.

You don't need to go to the doctor, he needs to explain why he was drinking alone female friend while you're stuck at home looking after the baby.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 10:01

I never go out. It's partly my fault because he'd look after DC if I wanted to, but we don't have much money, and I'm super fat still so don't fancy it. I do feel its unfair he goes out so much, I brought it up and he was annoyed, says he works so hard and needs time to unwind and deserves it.

I know snooping isn't cool...weve a bit of history there.

I'm not jealous of her but I guess I am a bit jealous of him and how his life has remained exactly the same and doesn't seem to have given up anything for us.

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 12/03/2015 10:31

That's a lot of money to spend if you don't have much!

currentnameinuse · 12/03/2015 10:32

History of snooping - does that mean you have reasons not to trust hm?

clickers123 · 12/03/2015 10:36

You need some tlc by the sound of it. xx

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 10:38

If your finances are joint then you're not snooping - you have a right to know what's coming into and going out of the account, same as he does.

£70 sounds a lot for 2 hours. How much is a pint in London now? £5? That would be 7 pints for each of them, so either he's got a worryingly large capacity, or he was buying cocktails.

His reaction is more worrying, saying that you are sick because you questioned a large amount spent on drinks... That's a lot for 2hrs if you're struggling for cash.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2015 10:38

but we don't have much money
So how is it that he gets to go out twice a week and spend £70?
If he did that on both nights out then that's £140 per week = over £600 per month = over £7,000 per year!
Definitely get to the GP and make sure you are OK.
Then get your friends round or go out every now and then.
You may not feel totally confident but you can't re-build that confidence by staying home alone all day and all night.

And I don't like your DH attitude to you being insecure.
He should be reassuring you. Making you feel loved. Not yelling at you and saying you are 'sick'. That IMHO is SICK!!!

NickiFury · 12/03/2015 10:38

Cocktails can be up to £13/14 in a decent London bar, that works out at about 3 or 4 drinks each. It's not impossible that he could have spent that in two hours, maybe they had snacks as well?

His reaction to you asking would get my suspicions up though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:41

You can't really complain that he goes out without you if you prefer to stay holed up at home just because you've gained weight. Get yourself out there..... stop hiding. At the same time, he shouldn't be out by himself lavishing attention, money and drinks on other women, no matter how OK you say you are with it and no matter how much he says he deserves it.

So what is the 'bit of history' that means you're suspiciously rifling through his receipts?

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 10:48

No, I agree that I can't be too annoyed when it's my decision to not go out. But there's never the choice to go out with him... That never crosses his mind (my lovely DS would babysit), and yes, I have suggested it.

I say I was snooping, I saw the receipt and had a look to see how much he had spent, I wasn't riffling through stuff to find anything.
We had issues when I was pregnant, telling me little lies and lying about the state of our relationship to OW. Then I did snoop, but on messages and emails, not receipts.

OP posts:
FabULouse · 12/03/2015 10:50

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 10:50

As for money.. He earns a fair bit and I just have a small maternity allowance. He pays for rent and all the bills. So I can't question what he spends, it's his. But I resent it slightly when we can't afford to do stuff as a family and then I find receipts like this...he told me he spent £200 at the weekend on a night out with the boys, so this spending isn't a one off

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 10:51

FabULouse...that's EXACTLY how I feel x

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:53

There's so much wrong here..... 'OW's shouldn't be part of the landscape at all. Everyone needs friends, and friends can be either gender, but there has to be some consideration otherwise it's taking the piss. Same when it comes to money. It's not 'his money'... you're a family. No, you're not going to breathe down his neck questioning him about every cappuccino, but taking a woman on a date, going out with the boys and spending what the family can't afford is taking the piss all ways up.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 10:54
Sad
OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:55

And all of that is forgetting that he 'went mental' and called you sick.... just because you dared to challenge any of this. He sounds like horrible person who has no respect for you and is taking you for a total fool.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 12/03/2015 11:00

Utterly agree with cogito

Flowers
Anniegetyourgun · 12/03/2015 11:03

Er wait. You made a home together. You have a baby together. One of you currently stays at home minding the baby, the other goes out and earns the money. So far, so reasonable. However, you say he gets all the (benefit of the) money and you get all the (responsibility for the) baby - that doesn't exactly sound like a fair division, does it? Surely it is not your baby and his money, it is the child, income, household you share. If not, there is something really not quite right going on here.