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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting or postnatal depression?

111 replies

Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 09:40

Was going to nc for this...but meh, beyond that now.

This morning I found a receipt where my DP had spent £70 at a bar last night with a female friend. They were only there 2 hours, I questioned him on it and he went mental said I was actually sick, there was something wrong with me. I am convinced there must have been other people there or they must have been drinking champagne or something...which in itself isn't an issue, its more that he lied about it - told me he drank pints and that he needed to see her because she needed to talk.

Thing is, maybe I did overreact, I've been quite low recently- we had a baby nearly 5 months ago. After that argument, I've booked a doctors appointment for later today.

Not quite sure what Im asking....am I mental or is it a bit him?

OP posts:
StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 12/03/2015 11:52

Phone. I give up Grin

Vicarscat · 12/03/2015 11:55

The money situation (it's his money) and how he talks to you shows that he doesn't respect you. I really would get out, fat or not, and get some of your life back. I doubt that staying at home like this will improve your relationship or how you feel about yourself or him. Spending that much money with another woman - he was probably trying to impress her.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/03/2015 12:07

Psst... Staircase... see if your phone likes "pursued" any better?

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 12/03/2015 12:20

Lol Thanks Annie that is what I was going for. Unfortunately even in trying to type this my phone threw up "jol Ms fb" in even the first sentence. And I'm an English teacher!!! Degrading.

Fudgeface123 · 12/03/2015 12:22

You said OW OP, does that not make him unfaithful?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 12:28

I think the OP meant 'other women' in a sort of general, platonic, sense. Don't know about anyone else but when I meet my male friends it's for a coffee or maybe a quick glass of something at the local after the hobby we do together. I'd certainly pay my fair share and I don't think we'd spend £70 between us.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2015 12:34

I think you posted because you are starting to see things as they really are.
The scales are falling slowly from your eyes.

You can and should still go to your family.
My sister was in a very abusive relationship. She left. She went back. I never judged her. She needed to get away in her own time.
She did get away and we helped massively.
They will still want to be there for you.
Don't NOT go to them out of pride. You will need all the RL support you can get.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 15:01

Just met for lunch...apparently he's been talking to friends and he thinks we should both just pay half each (all of my salary) so that I feel more of a partner..and it might help my mood! Said I only didn't feel like a partner because of his attitude and he said I don't always have to get moody at him! Argh!

OP posts:
Vicarscat · 12/03/2015 15:07

What a horrible, money-centred attitude he has. And deciding with his male friends what to do about you- nasty stuff. If all your money has to be spent on the household, you will effectively be penniless? And so even more powerless than currently? This does sound abusive.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 15:07

He's been discussing the personal financial arrangements of your partnership with friends.... ? Shock That's appallingly disrespectful How dare he? Dismissing your legitimate complaints as 'moodiness' is the height of contempt.

Are you not insulted?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 15:08

He's taking the piss....

claravine · 12/03/2015 15:15

This friend stuff could all be bollocks anyway tbh, it's another abuser tactic to imply hordes of people agree with them

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 15:30

"My friends all agree..." Yeah sure they do Hmm

He's absolutely taking the piss, Lula. A fair and equal partnership does not mean one partner living in penury while the other goes out on the piss twice a week and blows a wad of cash on booze.

A fair arrangement would be that you both pay the same amount based on your salaries. So if you earn £1000 a month and he earns £3000, then you pay £500-worth of bills and he pays £1500-worth (although I hope your outgoings aren't that high.)

He is being very disrespectful of you. The more you post, the worse it seems to get Sad

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2015 15:35

Wow - his twat-ish-ness knows no bounds!
Seriously.
Get away while you still can.
He's an absolute arsehole.
Contact Womens Aid to get their take on this. They will be able to help you to see that this is ABUSE!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 15:40

It's that word 'moody'..... Hmm When you challenged him about his date with another woman you were 'sick'. Now you're 'moody'. Men who despise women (and he's one of them in case you haven't realised) love to put them down with accusations of being 'moody', 'crazy', 'hormonal', 'time of the month', 'not right in the head'.... anything except take them seriously.

You need to get away from him OP for the simple reason that in your first post you said you had booked a doctor's appointment and you wondered if you were mental or had PND..... You're already being manipulated into blaming yourself.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 16:02

Rang my mum. She thinks I should leave him. She was very supportive and she's gone off to research sociopaths.
She said something that struck a cord...that she doesn't think I'll leave til he reeeally hurts me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 16:04

Have cancelled my doctors appointment

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2015 16:15

Sorry if I've missed something but why did you have a docs appointment and why have you cancelled it?
If it's because he thinks you are 'sick' that you booked it then still go.
Ask for some counselling for yourself to understand why you are prepared to put up with an abusive partner!

Pack up few essentials and go to your mums to get some head space and think about what you want what will be good for your and your DC!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2015 16:15

Good re cancelling that. You need badly to talk to Womens Aid instead on 0808 2000 247.

This earlier comment of yours re him is yet another red flag amongst many:-
"He's fine to give me money but if I ask he gets annoyed. I'm looking for work at the moment and we discussed what should happen when I do... I will earn a third of what he makes. He suggested we go 50/50.."

That is really financial abuse. His later comments are no better either.

He needed to see this woman because she needed to talk; is he her knight in shining armour or something?. Such men like this one hate women, all of them.

No fault of yours for going back to him initially; such men can be very plausible to the outside world and promise much as well.

Keep on reaching out to your family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2015 16:17

What do you get out of this relationship now Lulu?. What needs of yours are being met here by this man?. I am talking emotional stuff pertaining to you, not anything else.

Your DP is not the man you thought he was and such men as well do not change. Infact I daresay his overall contempt for you has further escalated.

Twinklestein · 12/03/2015 16:19

I'm glad you spoke to your mum, sounds like she's got him pegged.

hesterton · 12/03/2015 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 16:27

Hmmm..he can be lovely but I guess that's how he gets me. I don't know.
My mum pointed out that he 'punishes' me.i.e. today when I challenged him, said we could have had a lovely day and lunch but I ruined it (changed his mind when I booked doctors)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula2515 · 12/03/2015 16:33

Ha! Fuckpig! Oh lord...I don't know what I'm doing. I feel less miserable about it now

OP posts:
PoppyField · 12/03/2015 16:33

Hi,

Any abuser can be lovely, it's just they turn on you when they decide not to be 'lovely'. He is not vile all of the time, just enough to keep you on your toes and frightened about what emotional abuse he is going to bully you with next. You are living in fear of punishment. That's not normal and it's no life.

You really need to gather all your courage and get him out of your life. You don't deserve this. Don't let him grind your self-esteem further into the ground. You and your baby deserve more than this.