Gaslighting or postnatal depression?

[Lula2515]

Was going to nc for this...but meh, beyond that now.

This morning I found a receipt where my DP had spent £70 at a bar last night with a female friend. They were only there 2 hours, I questioned him on it and he went mental said I was actually sick, there was something wrong with me. I am convinced there must have been other people there or they must have been drinking champagne or something...which in itself isn't an issue, its more that he lied about it - told me he drank pints and that he needed to see her because she needed to talk.

Thing is, maybe I did overreact, I've been quite low recently- we had a baby nearly 5 months ago. After that argument, I've booked a doctors appointment for later today.

Not quite sure what Im asking....am I mental or is it a bit him?

Our DD is a couple of months older than yours but I would go mad if my DH was doing this. Like you, we don't have loads of cash but I will be honest, I don't know what's my maternity allowance and what's his wages... It all goes in the same account and it's just our money.

We are really fair about fun money- most of it goes towards family things and taking DD out at the weekends but every month we both have about £70 to do whatever with- normally I go out for a couple of dinners/wine with my best friend and he chooses to use his going down the pub once or twice with his best friend. If one of us has a john "off" it goes without saying that the other is owed one at a later date.

I'm agast at how much money your DH is spending, that you have accepted it as normal and that he's somehow making you feel bad when he's the one out gallivanting.

To put it bluntly, your husband sounds really unpleasant and like he's got something to hide by reacting like that.

I don't know. He's funny about money. He's fine to give me money but if I ask he gets annoyed. I'm looking for work at the moment and we discussed what should happen when I do... I will earn a third of what he makes. He suggested we go 50/50.. That would take ALL my money. I suggested we do it on a percentage of our income. He seemed ok but then told me he was talking to the boys about it. And joked that he told a friend at work that me going to work would cost him more (due to expense of childcare), so he's obviously still funny about it.

Sorry, another one to say his behaviour is really quite disgraceful.

It's not his money, it's joint money. And he's spending a bloody lot of it on himself, spending time away from his family.

I'm sure he is tired from work. I'm also sure you're tired from looking after a small baby. Does he recognise this ever?

Has his life changed at all? It doesn't sound as though it has.

You deserve way more respect than this.

His calling you 'sick' is horrible and disturbing.

He's not 'funny', he's bullying you over money. He's making you feel like you're not pulling your weight financially, withholding cash by getting annoyed if you ask for more, putting forward totally unreasonable ways to divide the income.... and all the time treating himself!

He jokes about you costing him money to mates at work? That is eye-wateringly disrespectful... but that's consistent with the rest of his crappy attitude.

He's not a team player and he seems to think you're a bit of an inconvenience. You call him a 'DP' but I'm failing to see how he is a 'partner' in the slightest.

So from your update he would like a little lady at home looking after his dc while he earns and spends the money, sometimes deigning to give you some but heaven forbid you actually ask for it?

He's a prick, sorry. And it might be nice if he stopped discussing you with his friends and colleagues, especially given the lack of respect he shows you even to your face.

I hope you are ok. Do you have family support?

Again.. he used family money to take a woman on a date.

Do you need it spelling out any clearer than that?

Yeah if I say anything at the moment about how he's working but I'm working hard looking after our baby 24/7 he jokes that he's keeping me as an expensive lodger.

My family are lovely, and my sister is nearby but it's difficult because I left him a few months ago when things were bad but then came back and they didn't think I should. So I can't really discuss problems with them now

Oh and when he give me money, it's for food, not me. It's if I ask for food money he gets annoyed, thinks I should pay out of maternity allowance and that I need to pull my weight.

(I know this sounds bad..just getting it out there)

Well yes, it sounds bad. That's because it is bad. It's pretty reprehensible, actually.

Hi OP,

Sorry your partner is such a slug.

Are your family and/or sister really going to reject you because you went back to this guy against their advice? Are they really going to leave you to stew? I doubt it. If they care for you of course they will listne. Talk to your sister - at least she knows what he's like.

We all make mistakes... and people often go back to abusive partners several times before they leave for good. You have not burned your boats - unless they've specifically said 'Right that's it, if you go back to him you'll get no help from us'.

I am sure they would still support you if you told them what was happening now. We can't all get things right first time.

My God the latest updates have just made me think even more that he's cheating on you and that he is an insufferable cunt to boot. I'm appalled on your behalf. Why the fuck are you putting up with being treated like this? What an arsehole.

lula honestly the problem isn't you - it's him.

What's stopping you from going?

"he jokes that he's keeping me as an expensive lodger"

You've heard the phrase 'many a true word spoken in jest'...? This is what he really thinks. You're incidental to his life and not part of it. I'd go further and say you are actually being subjected to abuse.

Even if your family disapproved of your decision to get back with him, they're still your family. You're a mother.... would anything stop you from giving your DCs a second chance if they'd made a mess of their lives? Would you like to think of them out there alone and miserable just because they thought you might say 'I told you so?'. It's worth eating a bit of humble pie if it gets you away from this moron

And yes, it does sound bad. He is behaving very badly towards you and you do not deserve it. I don't think its PND as much as having an abusive partner that is making you very down. Anyone would be in this situation. He is a bully.

I love him. Since I've been back things have been quite good. There have just been niggles..which sound worse out loud

I left my ex twice before I went for good. It was bloody hard the following weeks keeping to it but it really changed my life. I have dd2 now to an awesome bloke and I really couldn't be happier. When I see my friends plodding on in similar relasionships I just wish they would get their fight back and leave but they are so ground down they can't see how happy they would be with out 'the bloke'

Honestly, you need to get far away from him. I'm not saying that lightly.

The way he is treating you is disgusting. He doesn't respect you and you can not - NOT - build a happy life with someone without respect.

Would you like your dc to see you treated this way as they get older? Dad does what he wants, Mum is lucky she's even given money for food?

It's possible to love things that are bad for you. You're describing very bad behaviour - unpleasant, controlling and bullying - and what worries me is that your definition of 'quite good' and 'niggles' is way out of kilter with what others would say was acceptable. Even if these incidents are not happening ever day I think you've got so used to a steady stream of crap that your judgement has been skewed.

There are other pressures. You have a baby together, you've defied your family in order to be with him & your self-esteem is on the floor because of a few extra pounds. These can all make you feel like you've made your bed so you have to lie in it. You really don't.

Bloody hell op - this is terrible. He treats you appallingly, is financially abusive, gaslights you saying you are mentally unwell and he's unfaithful. Can you tell me why you love him and why you are with him? I don't see one redeeming feature.

Listen to Cogito.

To be clear... I don't think hes been unfaithful

What physically or emotionally? Would you go out with another bloke and spend £70 which you didn't have?

So just the appalling treatment, financial abuse and gaslighting, that's all right then

If this is 'quite good' what was it like before?

It's not enough to love someone they must love you back. This man does not love you, he despises you and treats you with contempt.

The fact that you went back to him does not mean you cannot reach out to your family now. My sister could leave her husband a 100 times and I would still welcome her with open arms.

Sometimes it takes a few goes to get away from an arsehole.

I reckon that your weight gain may be as much to do with the misery of being treated so appallingly as baby weight. This man is destroying you slowly.

Agree with PP even if they're not having sex, they're going on dates. He's gearing up for an affair I would say (and I speak as someone who was perished by an MM. This is how they operate.)

Persued!!! Bloody phoned