Gaslighting or postnatal depression?

[Lula2515]

Was going to nc for this...but meh, beyond that now.

This morning I found a receipt where my DP had spent £70 at a bar last night with a female friend. They were only there 2 hours, I questioned him on it and he went mental said I was actually sick, there was something wrong with me. I am convinced there must have been other people there or they must have been drinking champagne or something...which in itself isn't an issue, its more that he lied about it - told me he drank pints and that he needed to see her because she needed to talk.

Thing is, maybe I did overreact, I've been quite low recently- we had a baby nearly 5 months ago. After that argument, I've booked a doctors appointment for later today.

Not quite sure what Im asking....am I mental or is it a bit him?

Lula2015 - he is the one ruining your day & he will ruin your life too if you let him.

Google the cycle of abuse - of course he is nice sometimes. But foul other times. He should be nice all of the time, not just enough to keep you hooked in and hoping and praying those nice times will return.

What are you going to do op? How u feeling?

I don't know, I suspect that my mum is right, that I don't feel I can walk away over this

OP you're allowed to walk away for whatever reason you like. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone.

You don't even have to give a reason.

'It's not working for me' would be quite sufficient. That's the most he deserves really.

Of course you can walk away over this or any reason you choose (and you do not have to give anyone else a reason for doing so). They do not have to live day to day with him. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Such men do not change.

Do you get anything out of this relationship at all Lulu; it does not seem like it.

I am reading this thread and thinking, get the hell out. I wouldn't normally be so full on, this is somebody's relationship, somebody's life, a baby. However, he has TOLD you how he feels, you just need to listen. You describe his friend as the "OW", not a term I would use unless she actually was an "OW". He tells you you have to hand over your entire salary in order to feel "equal" and uses the word LODGER?!?! Gaslighting at its' finest. He is trying to make you feel like this is all your fault, you unreasonable wench, when all he is doing is going out with the boys and the OW and coming home to moody old you who is doing NOTHING except looking after his precious DC. I am in the middle of the most horrendous divorce, I blamed myself for everything, the scales have now fallen away. Please take the help offered by your family. I am sending you hugs, I know how bloody difficult this path is x

Why don't you feel you can walk away?

Just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean it is a happy, fulfilling relationship does it?

Would I be right in thinking that you're waiting until he does something 'really bad' OP? Like hitting you? Catching him in the act with the 'OW'?

Thing is he sounds financially abusive and that is bad enough and disrespectful 'lodger' indeed? I'd have hit the roof.

You really need to leave and yes, you do deserve better.

He won't hit me. I know that.

But yes I guess, finding him having an affair would be what would push me to leave. I even considered a private detective at one stage . Maybe he's right in that I'm looking for problems.

But just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he is someone you should be with does he. And someone who drives you to wanting a private detective - well that just shows how toxic the relationship is?

All the energy you use to try and 'defend' yourself, put forward your pov, will just grind you down. I'm so sorry but this isn't a man committed to his family. This is an entitled man wanting it all his way, and trying to convince you you're ill because you dare to challenge him really says a lot.

Listen to your mum.

My ex can be sooo lovely. Was yesterday. He wasn't lovely instantly because I've dared to not toe the line again.(It's taken a long to see him for what he really is.) being lovely or nasty are just different tactics to get what he wants.

If your mum is calling him a sociopath she is recognising some worrying behaviour.

So he is financial abusive, gaslighting, verbally abusive (with sexist, derogatory terms like "sick", "moody"), when you raise legitimate concerns, inappropriate relationships with other women (she "needed to talk" to him, he splashed the cash on her).

And your mother is clearly very, very worried about you, can see he is abusive, and thinks he could physically hurt you.

This man is certainly not lovely OP.

Couldn't agree with the last three posts more.....!

lula when I finally left my ex it was over somthing relatively small. He was physically abusive and emotionally abusive. The night I left we had a take away, after a plated up he had gotten in to the habbit of checking I had not put more food on my plate than his. On this night as I sat down to eat, he casually mentioned that I must be hungry as I'd given myself more than him. It just wasn't true. He had got that in to my head I always doubted myself and made sure he visably had way more than me. I just flipped and threw my plate in his face. I scooped dd1 up in her quilt, got in to a taxi and went to my DGM. After the initial adrenaline wore off it was so hard to ignore the pangs of guilt, hurt, lonelyness. But my DGM gave me strength and support.

After a while I could see it hurt so much because my esteem was so low and he had gotten in to my head so much id been 'trained' to need him.

I really wish I had come across MN back then.

You know that this isn't right and the problem with waiting for that 'big' excuse to come so you have 'valid' reason to go is that it may never come. It may be just a constant steam of low flying disrespect and piss taking with the added gas lighting.

How would you feel if your kids met some one like this? Would you want to scream and yell 'run- get away from them' or would you advise they just stick it out and give them one more chance?

Walking away from a relationship is hard.
Walking away from an abusive relationship is waaaay more harder. But if I can do it (and I was a mess) anybody can do it.

Finally after a few false starts I met my lovely dp who worships me and I him. This is what a healthy relationship is. No doubts, no gas lighting, no disrespect - just us bobbing along nicely.

Life is too short to stay stuck in mud.

How low does he have to go, how badly does he have to treat you before you say enough?

Does he have to hit you or have an affair?

Is contempt, manipulation, verbal and financial abuse not enough?

I think it's highly unlikely that he hasn't already cheated on you tbh.

If you've felt so worried about infidelity for so long you might well be right.

Your baby is small, are you on maternity leave? If so is there anywhere that you could take a break from him with your little one for a week (or two, or ten)? You could present it as a visit to someone and just get some space.

'I'm looking for problems'

You lack the confidence to leave so you're looking for the 'last straw'. That's quite normal. However, the last straw came and went a long, long time ago.... as did his 'last chance'. The more you make allowances and excuses, the worse he'll get sadly.

Your Mum sounds great. Sorry she's not saying what you want hear

He makes you feel bad for asking for money for food, but he spends £70 in a bar on a random??

And he thinks you're looking for problems?

The problem is him.

Sorry late in getting back to these. Thank you for your replies. I agree about the last straw post..my mum asked me if I would have put up with these things at the beginning..she's right, I would never have let anyone call me sick.
I'm beginning to hate him.

I just had a chat with him. Told him that I'm not totally happy and I don't want our dc growing up thinking it's ok to talk to mummy like that or that daddy hates mummy.
Also mentioned what my dm said (didn't mention it came from her) about not accepting things..and he agreed.
He said its not ok that I snoop. Which I agree with. But I said I wouldn't snoop if I knew he didn't lie to me.
He's thinking about what I've said and we'll talk again in a bit.

I'm glad you sound bit more together but also sad for you. This is going to sound really patronising, and I'm sorry because I don't mean to be. It's just I've been there like so many others on this board. You're having these discussions with him which makes you a reasonable, loving partner and I totally respect you're trying to make it work.

But...he's not accepting how awful his behaviour is. He's putting your 'bad behaviour ' on a par with his. He doesn't respect you and I don't think you can change that.

I'm still struggling with xhtb. I'm doing so much better but still it's hard not to get sucked in to his bs. The other day I reread all my old threads going back years when I was trying to fix things. The advice I had was amazing. How clearly other people could see it then when the truth was I wasn't ready to.

I guess I'm saying, keep posting. Keep reading. And rereading. You will remind yourself of the bad shit when the normalising is happening but you have that confusion. You are in a process. But make no mistake, you deserve better.

Thank you. And I can even see that you're probably right. But still I need to try.

Have just seen a job I am going to apply for near my dm. Not totally qualified for it so it seems unlikely. But I do feel if I got that I would probably leave. I feel like I just need something. A final push.

Job sounds great. I'll keep fingers crossed.