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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother was raped, he won't tell anyone I think I'm going to explode!!

108 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:33

Just that , he's informed me he's in hospital 250 miles away , he doesn't know what's happened, he's woke up in his ex bf flat ( he was with him 5 years and still friends apt) someone that was there who knows my brother has text and told him he's been injected with heroin and been raped by his ex and 2other men! My brother is a mess but doesn't want me to tell anyone! I don't know what to do, please one of you talk to me x

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 11/03/2015 23:36

Hi...

I don't really know what to say, but I thought someone should answer...

He's in hospital, so he's being looked after at least.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:42

Yeah but wtaf do I do? I can't even ring my mum it will kill her,he's told me not to tell anyone, he,s been crying his eyes out, been taken to a ward now but I can't get to him or speak till tmw ! They could of give him something, I really don't know what to do???

OP posts:
WotchOotErAPolis · 11/03/2015 23:43

You have got to try to persuade him to tell the police. This is a dreadful assault and goodness knows what damage may have been done to him physically and mentally. However, having dealt with a case like this recently [I work for a charitable trust that assists vulnerable people, albeit 'just' as the administrator], if he really doesn't want you to tell anyone, you must respect that. It's up to him to report it but you can help him by just being there and noting his feelings and thoughts. What he needs right now is a shoulder to cry on.

i know it's not necessarily what you want to think is right, but he must be absolutely terrified, confused and hurt by what has happened to him and it will take time for the shock to wear off [if it ever does]. The hospital will be able to inform you of the next steps, so don't be afraid to ask them. It sadly won't be the first time they have dealt with something like this so they will know how to handle it.

Wishing him a speedy recovery and the strength to get through this awful event.

EBearhug · 11/03/2015 23:45

I don't know what to say either - but if he's in hospital, then it's presumably very recent; his opinion may change. Do you know if he's been to the police? When he says don't tell anyone, does that include the police, or only family/friends?

He's talking to you, though, so that's good - he's going to need support in the time ahead. You could spend some time finding out about counselling services for him, for when he is ready to talk? Will you be able to visit him (at the weekend, maybe?)

He's in hospital, so he's being cared for, and he's talking to you, so he has at least one person he trusts. It's a good start for his recovery.

Best wishes to both of you.

tabulahrasa · 11/03/2015 23:50

Right now, there's nothing much you can do, really Sad.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:50

I'm sworn to secrecy, god I so want to tell our mum but I can't , can just see her face, probs look like mine when I found out but worse, he's my little brother I'm ment to look after him, he's in a hospital in London I'm up north with kids in bed, totally helpless and I know my mum would get in her car and drive straight down but he won't have it! He's only 30 and he's on his own

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/03/2015 23:50

Has he told the hospital what's happened to him? Both the heroin and the rape - they need to be informed so the right tests can be run.

Can you call Rape Crisis to get some advice?

You don't need to decide anything tonight about whether you tell other people. He is safe and he is being looked after, thank goodness. But the hospital staff really should be told if they haven't been, so they can process evidence in case he decides to go to the police.

What a dreadful thing to have happened. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:57

He told me he told them he's been given heroin, he doesn't remember anything hardly, his ex has done this to other men before,
I'm at a loss , it's so far past the line I'm sick( physically)

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 00:10

Thankyou all , wotch and ebare no he won't invole the police, I just have to sit and wait now, it happened early hours of yesturday Morning, I met the ex bf he used to be lovely, but I've been informed he is a meth user, my brother is defo not and fallen into some awful trap here. Devastation is where I am! He's my baby brotherAngry

OP posts:
lunalelle · 12/03/2015 00:12

I second the calling of Rape Crisis for advice and help at this difficult time.

There is little that can be done, practically, by you at this moment. That is frustrating, but London does have people that are well-informed and can help him. You can help just by being present and holding his hand literally, figuratively or both.

Re: your concerns about disease, namely HIV, there are protective drugs that can be given soon after the event. This is of no emotional help, but you may wish to bring this up with his carers in the hospital, though I expect it may well have been raised already if they know the details.

You can always call the Samaritans if you want to talk to someone. Personally, I don't think you should inform other people. Your brother needs to deal with his own distress and may not be able to cope with the distress of others.

aurynne · 12/03/2015 00:12

Go to him, sit by his side, hold his hand and listen. Hug him. Tell him you don't know what to say, but you are so grateful he has told you. Tell him you love him and he is not alone. Show him how much you care.

You will give him strength to make his own decisions.

BernardQuatermass · 12/03/2015 00:19

There's all sorts of reasons might be going round his head to stop him wanting to tell anyone, as there would be for anyone who's been a victim of rape, but it might be that he feels like rape "doesn't happen" today men, although tragically of course it does.

It might be worth letting him know there are people he can talk to in confidence about this - people like Mankind and SurvivorsUK focus on supporting male rape victims specifically. That might be less daunting for him than going to the police, and could help him start talking things through?

The main thing is to make sure he knows he isn't alone, and that you're there to support him however you can - it sounds like you're doing a good job of that, too. If he's in hospital he's being looked after and he's in the right place to get what he needs physically,so make sure he knows there's emotional support available to him as well, whenever he feels he needs it.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 00:21

I wish I could go but I'm up north I've kids in bed, I just want to cuddle him and say it's ok, even though it's so not, I will do what he's asking but I feel do helpless, he's been raped!!!! Omg it's so mad I'm so sad for him, what do these people ( I use that term lightly coz there animals) scum think there doing when they treat others like this? My brother wouldn't hurt a fly he's just lovely. It's absolutely braking my heartSad

OP posts:
BernardQuatermass · 12/03/2015 00:21

Oops. 'he may feel rape doesn't happen to men'. Not 'today'.

lunalelle · 12/03/2015 00:27

I think there are a variety of reasons why people commit this crime, but none of them have to do with your brother. It may be better to try not to get inside the heads of those people. It's doubtful indeed that a sane person will ever be able to understand their thought processes.

heartsorehelena · 12/03/2015 00:33

I could be wrong but your brother has told you he's the victim of a crime.

So you should now report that crime and let the police deal with the other crimes that may have happened. Otherwise you might be obstructing the course of justice - a crime in itself. Your brother might not want you to contact police. You do have to consider your own part in this - they could be abusing someone else right now, tomorrow, next week.

I know you don't want to elevate your brother's pain from this experience. But he deserves justice and it can best be achieved by gathering evidence right now, no later. His poor body is suffering the effects - if he's already in hospital, he needs his care-givers to give due attention to his injuries in the right context. If he's with-holding that information, he's not going to get the right care.

I really feel for you. But if it was my brother, I'd have dialled 112 and explained, and asked for some tact to be deployed. It sounds like it happened at a party - you could call Crimestoppers 0800 555 111 and be 'anonymous party-goer' and leave it at that. I would hate for him to recover and years later want justice and it not be available due to lack of evidence.

I can't offer much more but I'm really sorry for what's happened. I hope your dearly loved brother knows how important he is to you - he clearly is. All my best wishes to your family.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 00:34

Thankyou Bernard , and everyone for replies! He's 11months younger so very close together really, when I've spoke to him today, just not himself very teary and emotional ,he was already depressed this it's just over the edge, I think he's had it so hard now this! Tmi but he's been hurt which makes it all the worse! I'm so close to my mum I tell her everything, she lives 5doors from me and I have to kept this! I will for him but it's hard!

Thankyou you lot for listening FlowersFlowers to all of you xx

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/03/2015 00:43

www.survivorsuk.org/

This is the organisation recommended by Rape Crisis (who mostly work with women) for men in these circumstances. Please contact them in the morning.

I wish you both the best. Flowers

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 00:46

Oh heart thankyou love, thankyou all for spearing your time to comment!!
Your right I need some help here, he might not see it yet but i do, I won't tell our mum yet but I will ring rape crisis ( hopefully get through ) i wish it was me it happened to, he didn't deserve it!! Evil evil evil cunts that do stuff like this!!

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 12/03/2015 00:53

He can still get evidence collected and not "press charges". Just because he doesn't want to now doesn't mean he shouldn't give himself the option in the future.

If the ex has done this before to others then that suggests he is a very dangerous man. People like this usually escalate their attacks. Your brother really needs to think about reporting it just to protect himself from this man in the future.

Pachyrhinosaurus · 12/03/2015 00:54

He does not need to report the crime to the police in order to get help. What he needs to do immediately is to accept that he may not always feel that he doesn't wish to report the crime. If he asks the hospital to refers him to a sarc, then he can have swabs and a blood test taken anonymously and stored. If he wishes to change his mind and report the crime in the future, the evidence will be available.

It will make no difference to any reporting the future that he did not feel strong enough to report now.

If he is referred to a sarc, he will be linked with services including an independent sexual violence advocate. It is very important that he knows that seeking the assistance of the police / medical professionals / services means just that - he will get help, not that he will be coerced into making a complaint that he doesn't want to at the moment.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 00:59

Does anyone get through when they ring the rape crisis line? I didn't!! I won't sleep tonight!

OP posts:
lunalelle · 12/03/2015 01:05

I think they are not a 24 hour service. Try to sleep - you will need to be there for your brother tomorrow.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 01:30

Pach what is sarc?? I haven't spoke to him for a while, he's been taken to a ward I've been told to ring in the morning, poor thing on his own! Mad thing about this I know who's done it I think ,brother is shut down! Won't acknowledge , but I will when he feels abit stronger!

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 12/03/2015 01:38

OP, the priority right now is your brother. Call him and listen. That's the best thing you can do.

Record your calls. And all other communications, if you can. They can count as evidence if a trial happens.

But the most important thing for your poor brother will be if you listen to him, believe him and love him.Thanks

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