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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother was raped, he won't tell anyone I think I'm going to explode!!

108 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:33

Just that , he's informed me he's in hospital 250 miles away , he doesn't know what's happened, he's woke up in his ex bf flat ( he was with him 5 years and still friends apt) someone that was there who knows my brother has text and told him he's been injected with heroin and been raped by his ex and 2other men! My brother is a mess but doesn't want me to tell anyone! I don't know what to do, please one of you talk to me x

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 12/03/2015 13:21

Its strange how it makes people feel, react differently, obviously what happened to me was horrific for me, but actually the most emotionally hurtful thing thing about my experience what that I confided in someone and they abused my trust and told someone else thinking they were helping. If anything it made me retreat further into my hole in a I suppose childish "now i definitely WONT do anything about it to prove to you all that I DO STILL HAVE CONTROL" kind of way.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 13:23

He doesn't want me to ring the staff I've already suggested that to him. I feel guilty I feel I should be doing more, but all I can do is talk and listen, he's said he will look into counceling when he gets his head round it, total shock to me I can only imagian how he's feeling.

OP posts:
geekymommy · 12/03/2015 13:24

Make sure he knows that you know this isn't his fault, there isn't anything he should have done differently to prevent this. It's not his fault for having been in a relationship with this guy, or for living with this guy, or for being gay or bi. There's a lot of victim blaming around rape, don't participate in it.

Even if there were something your brother could have done to prevent this, telling him that doesn't help him now, unless he has a time machine (if he does, can I please borrow it?). If you've got any ideas about what he should have done differently, keep them to yourself.

GahBuggerit · 12/03/2015 13:27

Re; STD tests - Thats up to her brother, OP should not try and pursuade him at all, she just needs to listen and have benign opinions at this stage while her brother processes whats happened. The hospital will explain why its a good idea practically to be tested

The most important thing now is that nothing happens to the person who has been abused that they don't want to happen, their wishes must be respected. Whether thats avoiding invasive tests for the time being or simply signing a form.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 13:27

Yes he said s t I s to, he doesn't really know the other 2men that well it's so sickening, they could of bloody killed him!

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 13:27

I wasn't suggesting you tell the staff what happened, just ask about counselling for him. But as you've said, he doesn't want that. I do understand the desire to do something, and I think you're right, you're doing all you can for him.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere · 12/03/2015 13:31

Theold* - ALL you can do is 'talk and listen' but it is EVERYTHING.
There is some good advice here about respecting his wishes and telling him you believe him, it wasn't his fault and that he will come through this.

This may be enough to help him reach out for other (official) help too.
Give him the numbers.
Tell him that info/swabs etc can be stored 'for his use later IF he wants to'.

Keep doing what you are doing. It will be hard being far away for both of you.

GahBuggerit · 12/03/2015 13:32

Op you have no need to feel guilty, you haven't done anything.

There is a danger that others feel they NEED to help, get justice, show the person who has been abused that they care, someone cares, can help, WILL help, will take on the hurt for the abused and deal with it all.

Truth is you cant do any of that. its your brother that needs to get justice if he wants (because he will be the one who needs it, not you), to show himself that he can get help,to take on his own hurt face on and deal with it if it can.

IME thats what makes the person stronger - taking back control.

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 13:33

They could of killed him.

And he could still be in danger, so that's another good reason for not telling anyone.

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 13:36

Geeky I know he's done nothing wrong, and I will keep telling him! I will honestly do what he's asking me to but I almost feel like I'm lieing and I feel guilty for it, if my mum ever finds out she will go nuts I didn't tell her.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/03/2015 13:39

If that happens you tell her that your brother, a responsible adult, asked you not to and you respected his wishes.

AmyLeeha · 12/03/2015 13:41

If your mother is upset you didn't tell her, you'll understand. She's not the most important person in this situation though. You're not lying, you're helping your traumatised, injured brother.

tabulahrasa · 12/03/2015 13:48

It's not lying.

He's the one who had his control taken away from him and his trust violated...he gets to decide when and if he wants to disclose what happened and it's doubly important that it is in his control and that you don't also betray his trust.

You're helping him, not lying, just keeping his private information private for him.

I'm glad you got some rest at least.

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 13:49

You might have to lie to her, or mislead her, but best to try to avoid talking about your DB with her at all, if you can. If that is what it takes to help keep your DB physically, emotionally and mentally safe and supported, then that is what you have to do.

Want2bSupermum · 12/03/2015 14:08

OP - I am so sorry this has happened to your brother.

My extended family has dealt with rape and it was something that we all came together to help the victim get through. It was over 10 years ago that it happened. One of the staff at the hospital suspected rape and ran drug tests and made meticulous notes including taking pictures of some of the injuries. My family are forever thankful to the person who took the time to do this because it secured a conviction 5 years later when the victim was strong enough to report the crime to the police.

I can't stress how important it is that you are there for your brother. I would respect his wishes but also call the hospital and see if you can speak to someone to relay what he has told you to someone there so they can perform the tests and document his notes accordingly. He might want to press charges once he is stronger. I think you should go and be by his side. He needs you right now. Is there anyone apart from your parents who can look after your DC? If your parents are the only ones who can look after your DC I would call your brother and agree on what to tell them (mugged or something along those lines).

geekymommy · 12/03/2015 14:11

It's his right to not tell anyone he doesn't want to tell, including family members. If your mother has a problem with that, she's the one being unreasonable. This isn't about her, and she shouldn't try to make it about her. She's not the one who was raped, he is.

I wouldn't tell anyone else without his explicit permission to do so. Certainly not anyone other than medical or law enforcement professionals (and I'd think long and hard about it before going to them without his permission). They might conceivably have a need to know, anyone else doesn't unless your brother wants them to know. Curiosity does not constitute a need to know.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 12/03/2015 17:42

Cogito

That advice is a serious contender for the worst, most insensitive, potentially damaging and ignorant piece of advice I have ever heard.

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 17:46

Really Moustache? Out of all of the advice on this thread?

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 17:52

I have to agree with the others here. I've kept such a secret and it is not easy and I needed to get counselling so I had someone I could spill to in confidence. Hardly comparable to what this victim has woken up to! (I was abused as a child too btw, not that it's relevant here.) My point is, it is possible to not tell people who know him. You should tell someone he will never know, who must keep it confidential.

You can't tell your mum because that's his mum. You cannot tell his mum. That would be the worst type of gossip and could really mess up their relationship and would certainly damage the relationship with your DB too.

Tutt · 12/03/2015 17:55

Cauliflower please listen to the posters who have advised to do exactly as your poor brother has asked. Please don't contact your parents before asking his permission.
He has been violated once don't violate his trust.
The best advice I can give is just to let him talk to you, you talk to him. You may not be able to get there BUT you can be on the other end of the phone and that is very helpful so please don't feel helpless.

Try in a very, very gentle way to urge him to seek help, the rape crisis is fab and the mens side survivors is great too (I have had cause to refer to them).

What I think he will need exceptance from you, love and kindness.
If he is going to friends ask him if you can have their phone number so you can talk (share) with them so you are not so alone too.

You can aslo talk to the rape crisis people or your own GP for practical and emotional help, they can refer you to people who can help you to help him.

Get as much info (google etc which I don't normally recomend but there is all sorts of good help from professionals to be found).

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 18:40

Hi everyone, thanks so much.
I'm not going to tell my parents I've promised I won't and to be honest the more I've thought about it I want to protect them, it would absolutely kill them. Can't get through to rape crisis but I've been on the website and looked at other things to, I've rang our family dr and should get a call back tmw morning hopefully. My brother just seems to have gone very quiet now, not saying much on the phone, I'm so frightened that he's going to refuse any help!

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 19:05

Give him some space. In time, he may decide to report this.

it is a lot harder for guys to report rapes than women. And less likely to report it. They always led to believe they have to toughen any problems they have.

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 19:08

Be patient. I know you're angry and frustrated and scared, but be patient with him.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 19:11

And gay men get lack of empathy from some people when they do report it...and straight guys don't want to report it because it is too embarrassing for them.
It is going to be really tough for your brother.

aurynne · 13/03/2015 01:08

You have said it is hard for you to travel because of childcare... however, this is your brother, whom you say you're very close to. He has gone through something that drives a number of men to suicide. Is there really no way you could ask a friend for help with the kids and just go to him?

I personally would move heavens and earth to be my sister in a situation like that (or brother if I had one). All this talk for the OP to get counselling because it is so tough on her... well, it is way tougher for the victim, who happens to be completely alone right now. Sorry, but phone calls just don't do it.

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