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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My brother was raped, he won't tell anyone I think I'm going to explode!!

108 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:33

Just that , he's informed me he's in hospital 250 miles away , he doesn't know what's happened, he's woke up in his ex bf flat ( he was with him 5 years and still friends apt) someone that was there who knows my brother has text and told him he's been injected with heroin and been raped by his ex and 2other men! My brother is a mess but doesn't want me to tell anyone! I don't know what to do, please one of you talk to me x

OP posts:

Phoenixashes · 12/03/2015 07:27

I agree with Mme

When he is discharged the priority should be that he does not return to his house share. He may need you/friends to retrieve his possessions, so that he doesn't see his ex. Personally, if his ex has done this in the past who is to say he wouldn't do it again?

BubblesInMyBath · 12/03/2015 08:14

I don't think you should tell your parents, Agree with what others are saying that he's already been violated and he needs to feel secure he can trust whoever he does tell not to pressure him into anything he doesn't want to do. I'd only breach this if he does anything bizarre like trying to return to ex or go home. (Which may sound mad but sometimes people are in such shock they start convincing themselves they got it wrong)

I know it's a huge burden for you to carry though so definitely seek support for yourself in anonymous agencies.

And definitely encourage him to anonymously seek help at the moment, it doesn't matter right now whether he reports it if he gets the right help that can be done later

I do agree his ex needs to be stopped but I think without evidence collected and your brother in a safe place where ex can't find him you may endanger your brother by jumping straight into that as you want to be sure that if it goes as far as a trial there's enough to convict him

So so so sorry your brother and you are facing this

elizalovelacey · 12/03/2015 08:25

Awful thing to have happened to your brother op. I'm bit confused as you say you can't go to him as you too far up north,but your mum only30mins away from him but he doesn't want mum to know,but don't you also say your mum lives 5doors down from you? If so can't your mum help you with your kids and you go to your brother? apologies if I've read post wrong.

AmyLeeha · 12/03/2015 09:32

Hi Cauli,
Hope you managed to get some sleep. I just wanted to add my voice to the others that have said NOT to break his confidence. Do everything you can to let him know he has options, it wasn't his fault, he's still your amazing little brother and that you're there for him. Get info for him, let him know that you'll be by his side (even if from afar) whatever decisions he makes but don't make any of those decisions for him. That is crucial. He's had all his power, his voice (literally, by being drugged) taken away from him and he needs to feel even if it seems like he's making the "wrong" choices, that he is in control of what happens to him now.

Advocate for making the right choices re his future health and decisions but then hold his hand as he chooses to make them or not.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's horrendous for him and difficult for you. Don't be shy about looking for support for yourself too.

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 11:55

As an abuse survivor myself, please do NOT go against your brother's wishes about telling the family. His trust has already been shattered by this act - if he feels he can't trust you as well, it will be a double whammy.

I know that you probably want support for yourself (maybe why you so much want to tell your parents?) - please reach out to SurvivorsUK, they are very good. My husband used to facilitate one of their local support groups.

I hope you were able to get some sleep, and perhaps reach out to someone local to you to have someone take the kids for a few days while you go down and help your brother? You don't have to say what's happened, just that your brother is seriously ill in hospital.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 12:21

I'm sorry this happened to your brother and I'm also sorry that he's put you in such a terrible situation of being able to do nothing to help and being told to keep the secret into the bargain. I realise he's in shock and pain, but it's not fair on you.

If he is as helpless and vulnerable as you describe then I think you have to tell him that you are going to have to inform people because this is too big for you to deal with alone, he needs help, you need help and doing nothing is not an option any more. I suspect that is actually what he wants you to say.... to take charge.

Original poster

Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 12:29

Hi everyone thanks so much for all your kind words and support. I feel a bit calmer after a bit of sleep, I just can't believe this has happened. I've got this awful mental picture and it will not go. Spoke to my brother, he is going to stay with friends and does not want my parents or anyone else to know, so I won't tell anyone. I can't get to London , wish I could but money and child care are stopping me. Feel helpless really, the hospital tried to involve the police but he won't have it, just wants to leave and go to his friends. I will try rape crisis again today see if they can offer any help! I feel so worried about him, and so disgusted at these people for doing it to him.
Thankyou all for listening x

OP posts:

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:40

Thanks to whoever mentioned these upthread. I'll add the links (I can only do one per post on my phone):

mankind

Original poster

Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 12:44

Thankyou

OP posts:

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:44

[http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/malerape2.php rape crisis, support for men and boys]]

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:45

Also:

MPower

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:46

OP you MUST get some counselling lined up for yourself asap, for the saje of yourself and your kids, your mum and brother. You really need some support.

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 12:49

I'm pleased that you managed to recharge your batteries. It's a real credit to you that your brother felt he could turn to you and confide in you.

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:50

I have kind of experienced a lit of what you are going through. You need support or you will be unhappy and struggle to maintain a happy atmosphere.

Also, keep the communication open with your DB, there can be a tendency (understandable) to deny or minimise an event like this and that can make it really very hard for the victim, obviously, but it also makes it hard for you because you know what happened but cannot act on it.

Can you talk to the hospital staff in charge and see if they can get him some counselling?

BernardQuatermass · 12/03/2015 12:51

Hi Cauliflower, just checking in to see how you are. FWIW I'm glad you've decided to keep this secret from your parents & family - I know its dreadful to keep secrets when they feel so big, but doing what your brother wants, giving him that control back and proving he can trust you will be a big help to him and might help him feel more able to open up to you later.

But do consider talking to Samaritans yourself if you need to offload - they have people on the phones 24/7 and they're there for anyone experiencing distress, whatever the cause: don't feel you have to sit with all the thoughts and worries going round in your head, you can talk about them in confidence and it won't break your brother's trust because you can keep it all anonymous. 08457 90 90 90 or you can also email [email protected], and that's totally confidential too.

Thank you to PeaceOfWildThings for putting those links in! I'm new and was on my phone last night and couldn't see how to do it!

GahBuggerit · 12/03/2015 12:52

Im so glad you arent going to tell anyone OP. Terrible advice and anyone who has been through abuse will tell you that having yet another decision, another facet of your life managed for you and taken away is sometimes the last straw - imagine being abused in the most horrific way, confiding in someone asking them to keep it quiet, and then that person too abuses your trust in them. Terrible terrible advice.

It WONT be your fault if the ex does this to someone else because you didnt report him - it will be the exes fault. The blame for rape lies with the rapist, no-one else.

Your brothers wishes absolutely 100000% matter far more than any one elses. You just need to be there, a hand to hold, a friend, his family, a his sister. Thats all your job is until he asks you for something.

If in the future your brother wants to pursue justice then fine. Good luck to you all op, especially to your poor bro xx

Original poster

Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 12:52

I'm more worried that my brother isn't going to get any, and will try and deal with this on his own, I will try and get as much info as I can today. Thanks for the links xx

OP posts:

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:54

Second attempt:

rape crisis

There is a surivor's booklet you could download and read, send him a copy by email?

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:56

I know, but if you get counselling just because of the knowledge of his rape and not telling anyone, then he is morw likely to tell someone.

Honestly, I've tried carrying this kind of secret. I don't think it is possible to function properly. There's a reason why professional counsellors have to have regular sessions with supervisors to offload.

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 12:58

It's not the rape that with mess with your head, it's him not telling anyone and not being able to get him help. If he had told the police I wouldn't suggest you get counselling.

Damnautocorrect · 12/03/2015 13:03

Oh god your poor poor brother.
I haven't read all the posts yet, so forgive me if this has been mentioned. But there are special rape centres that will take the appropriate evidence to store in case you change your mind at a later date to go to the police.
They will keep it securely for years and years. Its there should you change your mind at any time.

It will also enable him to access the support he WILL need to get over this.
Im so sorry for your brother, please try and persuade him. He doesn't need to make any decisions about the police, but it leaves it there SHOULD he wish to at a later date. It won't go away no matter how much he pretends it hasn't happened. I believe the one near me is called sapphire clinic.

DopeyDawg · 12/03/2015 13:07

OP, as a survivor myself I agree 1000000% with GahBuggerit's words above.
You MUST respect his wishes, now of all times.
If you brother could manage to give samples / speak to people etc at the hospital, so he has options later on, that would be ideal, but if he cant manage it, he cant.
You can take notes of conversations with him / keep texts etc for future if he needs them, but you cant tell / use them now as it is up to HIM what happens. Only him.

It is very frustrating for you, I imagine, that you cant get down there to be with him. I am sorry you are stuck at home. Get some support for yourself - it is a big shock you are going through too. The better you are supported the better you can support him.

I am so sorry your brother was assaulted in this way.

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 13:13

Peace with respect, other people will have different experiences. Some will want counselling and get it, others will need counselling but won't get and some won't need counselling and will be able to cope fine.

OP please just provide your brother with telephone numbers. Please don't try to persuade or cajole your brother at all. Let him know that he has options. Reassure him that you're there for him.

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 13:14

I also second GahB's post above, she's found the words I couldn't.

PeaceOfWildThings · 12/03/2015 13:20

Sorry.

What about being tested for STDs?

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