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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother was raped, he won't tell anyone I think I'm going to explode!!

108 replies

Theoldcauliflower · 11/03/2015 23:33

Just that , he's informed me he's in hospital 250 miles away , he doesn't know what's happened, he's woke up in his ex bf flat ( he was with him 5 years and still friends apt) someone that was there who knows my brother has text and told him he's been injected with heroin and been raped by his ex and 2other men! My brother is a mess but doesn't want me to tell anyone! I don't know what to do, please one of you talk to me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 01:45

Oh Dione I believe him, this is the worst thing that's happened to out family but I can't tell anyone, my dad isn't in the best of health, grandparents both I'll, I can see why he wants no one to know! I just don't know if I can carry it

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 01:53

If I could get hold of his ex partner, I think I would do awful things! He's 47 he's knows better!! My god anyone knows you don't drug your ex ( 5years) you live with still as housemates and drug and rape them! And let /of your mates have a go while there out of it! He's put date rape drug in his drink, then apt he's been jnjected with fucking heroine when he's feel asleep, my brother has never even had a joint. He doesn't even really drink!

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 12/03/2015 01:57

Cauli, you can carry on. And you will carry on. I don't mean to be blunt, but your brother was raped. You were not.

Help him.

Your anger, and fuck I know that anger, needs to take second stage right now to your brother's pain. Tell your family that he needs their support.

Do they love him?

StrawberryMojito · 12/03/2015 02:00

A sarc is a sexual assault referral centre. I agree that he should be examined and have evidence collected (rape crisis can advise in this) in case he decides later down the line, he does want to pursue a prosecution. As Dione says, keep any correspondence that he sends you referring to it and get him to keep and screen shot (if possible) the text in which he was told.
He needs to tell the hospital the truth about what happened so it can be recorded in his medical records and they make take a blood sample re the heroin. He needs to get tested for STIs also.
You can't make him go to the police but you can try and persuade him to go through an examination to give him options later on ((obviously he could still report it in the future without being examined but the examination/forensic evidence would help the investigation massively).
Rape crisis should also help in terms of accessing counselling.

StrawberryMojito · 12/03/2015 02:05

I don't think you should tell anyone if he doesn't want you to. He needs support from people local to him and obviously somewhere safe to live. Does he have this? How is he going to get his belongings back, has he got friends that can help him?

Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 02:11

Dion I am very awear it's my brother that's been raped and not me thankyou! I wish you heard him on the phone earlier! Yes I'm angry as fuck! I've tried rape crisis probs won't get through till them till tmw! My brother is 32 he's told me I can't say a word to my family , as much as I want to/don't want to i can't! I'm just sat here waiting for a text but nothing yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 02:13

He has a lot of friends strawberry, but I don't know what's happening at mo

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 02:14

My mum and dad would drive and get him but I can't say anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Theoldcauliflower · 12/03/2015 02:17

Of corse out family love him!!

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 12/03/2015 02:25

Cauli if you are sure that your parents will support your brother right now, call them. And tell them.

He (and you) are in a really weird place ATM. If you know that your folks will love and support him, let them know and help.

I am so sorry that this has happened to your brother. I wish your whole family love and strength in the times ahead.[thanks{

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/03/2015 02:37

OP, after you speak to your folks, please call the Samaritans. You need to offload and IMHO they are brilliant.

Sorry if I sounded flippant earlier, but I do know how difficult it is to hear such a traumatic thing. And how difficult it is for the victim to tell a family member.

NaughtyRed82 · 12/03/2015 02:46

If I read your post right you said he still lives with his ex as house mates? If that's the case then he's going to need help to get away from there and somewhere else to live when leaves the hospital. Needs to not be with his ex on his own and going to need somewhere safe to stay, family or something because will need support too.
Should really try and get him to tell hospital staff the full story and maybe with you there with him or someone to support him he may get that courage that he needs at this hard time to be able to tell the police what's happened.
His ex deserves to go to jail and the other two bastards that joined in with him.
This person that was there and saw it happen and texted your brother to tell him, they weren't much help at the time was they! Unless just to scared for themselves and wanted to get away without being harmed too.

VashtaNerada · 12/03/2015 03:03

I think your brother needs to be in control right now and make his own decisions, after all he's just had his control taken away from him. I agree with getting specialist advice from a charity who specialise in male victims of rape before doing anything.
Your poor brother. Thinking of you both Flowers

blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 03:04

Your brother confided to you. He is in the hospital so apparently he is taking action. Why more people need to know?

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 12/03/2015 03:06

Really awful this has happened. Your poor brother.

Agree the immediate priority is that he doesn't have to go back to that house to stay with that man.

For the longer term, years ago a boyfriend of mine confided in me that he had been sexually assaulted by another man. So I know that feeling of explosion and helpless frustration that you cannot tell other people, people who could help protect and support your brother. I called survivorsuk, as detailed above, and they were very helpful.

Their advice was, be supportive, encourage him to report it but don't force him into anything he doesn't want to do (even by arguing forcibly that he do so- he already feels forced to do things against his will, traumatised and violated, and pushing him too hard could bring that back and cause mental/emotional collapse), be there for him, love him, don't waver in the love and support. They were very clear on not forcing the issue, even if it meant telling him to phone them himself.

They were also very clear that I could call them back anytime if I needed support and help in supporting my boyfriend, and if I felt like I was about to explode they would be there to listen and support me. They recognised that helping my boyfriend get through this would be an emotional strain on me too, and they would be prepared to support me emotionally if my boyfriend didn't want their support directly but through me.

HTH. Wishing you and brother strength to get through this. Flowers

blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 03:09

I just read he have not reported it yet. I agree with other posters and have him (and you if possible) to reach out rape crisis center.

AuntyBrenda · 12/03/2015 03:30

I'm so sorry that you are going through this cauli Hope you hear some more news soon and I would echo keeping as much evidence as you can and encouraging your brother to do the same in case he changes his mind.

Has he told the hospital the full details of what he has been told has happened? Would the hospital notify the police as a matter of course? Flowers

Chillyegg · 12/03/2015 03:52

I'm so sorry op your brother has gone through this. I have a friend who has been through similar. I have PMed you x

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 06:33

OP you shouldn't tell your parents and you shouldn't tell the police. Your brother is an adult, he will survive this, he will manage this in his way and he doesn't need you to rescue him.

I think you should listen, give him the numbers for support groups and ask him if he wants you there (if you can possibly get there).

Cabrinha · 12/03/2015 06:41

If you won't tell your parents, can't you at least tell them a friend of yours has been attacked, and get them to have your kids while you go to him?
No possibility for your kids' dad to have them for a few days?
Your poor brother AngrySad

KingOfTheBongo · 12/03/2015 06:51

OP, the police MUST be informed. They are three vicious rapists, God knows what more damage they are capable of!!! Your brother may not agree now, but it's best for him as well if justice gets done.

WildBillfemale · 12/03/2015 06:52

Right now this is about your brothers wishes. It's not about you or what you want to do, it's not about your mum. He needs his boundaries respected more than ever right now.

Your brother is still in hospital and traumatised he does not need the added burden of panicking upset relatives, this is about him not you.

Get to your brother asap. Sit and let him talk and when you think he's ready for it suggest he speaks to Rape counsellers. He doesn't have to tell your parents EVER if he doesn't wish to but you should encourage him to talk to people who have experience with this sort of assault. The worse thing he can do is try and pretend it doesn't happen.

You should encourage him gently to talk to the police - maybe the hospital have already notified them?

This is an awful assault and very serious. Your brother needs professional help and this is for you to encourage him. Please deal with your own shock away from him.

PossumPoo · 12/03/2015 07:07

OP PLEASE don't tell anyone else at the moment. Your DB has confided in you and needs that respected. If you can, go to him and let him know you're there for him and he can trust you.

It is truly a horrendous thing that has happened to your DB and l hope that he eventually finds a way to bring those despicable people to justice.

MmeMorrible · 12/03/2015 07:16

OP you were obviously in a state of shock yourself last night. Hope you have managed to get some sleep.

In the cold light of day make your plans to get down to London if you can. Call in family or trusted friends to look after the kids, get on a train and go and hold your brothers hand.

Please don't betray his confidence by telling anyone else or calling the police. He needs to call the shots and be in control of how this is managed moving forwards. You need to be his confidante and his support. Encourage him to speak to SurvivorsUK and get counselling when appropriate.

Help him with the practicalities that will need to be sorted out today. Where will he go once he is discharged from hospital? He can't go back to the house share as it's clearly not safe for him. Can he stay with you for a while? Does he work and need to let his employer know he is likely to be off work, probably for a few weeks? Is there a friend he trusts that could go to his house and get him clean clothes etc?

So sorry you are both having to deal with this.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2015 07:22

Can you call the police on 101 and ask for advice? Without names etc they won't do anything by they might be able to help you with support and information about what your brother should do if he does wish to report it at any time.

I do not think you should tell your parents or report it to the police against your brothers wishes.