Feeling sick. Abusive “ex” and his wife and child have moved to my small home town. What happens if I “speak out”?

[LundyBancroftwasworththeread]

I had a very brief “relationship” with this man at University many years ago. (I use inverted commas because it was very short-lived; around two months and we never actually went on a date, just visited each other a lot in halls of residence). He was emotionally abusive from the start although I didn’t recognise this until I discovered mumsnet a few years ago. He did a huge amount of damage in that very short time.

After we broke up (he ended it) he treated me with absolute contempt while I was desperate for us to get on as we lived next door to each other and were part of the same social circle. There were so many occasions when I bent over backwards to be friendly while he treated me as being unworthy of even the most basic respect. It was the most awful year of my life and it took me years to feel I’d properly got over it.

After not giving this man a second thought for ages now, I have just found out that he is living in my small home town with his wife (who I also knew) and young child. I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better.

The only way I feel I can deal with this is by being completely open and honest about the situation with people. I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant and not be able to explain why I have suddenly gone quiet and started shaking were he to walk in or why I need to leave somewhere quickly if I have to. I don’t want to have the whole traumatic conversation with people under such conditions; I’d rather they were up to speed on the basics so I can just say “he’s here” and they’ll understand what that means for me. I have started telling people already and it has definitely helped and I now have some real life support but at the same time I am incredibly uneasy about the situation as this was something I didn’t ever intend to discuss with anyone other than those closest to me.

My main issue now is how to behave if or more likely when I bump into him/them? I can’t very well be civil when I’m going around telling people that this man is an abuser. And the last time I saw him I was falling over myself to be friendly and I worry that if he were to approach me he would be expecting the same. I don’t want him to come anywhere near me and I don’t want to so much as even have to acknowledge him if I pass him on the street but he won’t know this and may try to approach me any way. I would be ok with telling him I don't want to have to so much as acknowledge him and the reason for this if I came across him on his own but this would be totally inappropriate if he had his child with him or something. I can’t avoid him forever either and even if I could, it would eventually get back to him/them that I have been telling people about the abuse. I am worried what will happen when they find out. Should I write to him to make him aware of what I am saying? He will find out somehow someday any way. I am just feeling totally lost at the moment. Please could someone offer some advice?

Who knows what will happen if she is kidnapped by aliens?
Who knows what will happen if he is carried off by giant crows?
Let's just start making stuff up to fit our personal rant!

My jaw is hanging open at this update. A refuge place? I'm so disappointed that WA are feeding into this drama.

Well, at least we can stop donating to Womens' Aid as they are obviously very financially secure & not stretched at all.

Certainly appears that way.

I hope you'll be making a donation to Women's Aid OP.

I don't think the sarcasm is warranted from the posters making barbed quips about Women's Aid. For a forum that's meant to be supportive a lot of these comments aren't doing much for the sisterhood. Shame on you.

I wasn't being sarcastic.

OP, genuine question.

Have you had much shit happen in life? By that I mean, losing a close loved one, the horror of a bad diagnosis, the nasty divorce of your parents etc.

Reason I ask is that you don't seem to have perspective on this. The guy sounds like a twat. No doubting that. But that's about it. If this was the only bad thing to have happened to you in life, then I suspect that is why you are so focused on it and keen to tell loved ones and friends. In the absence of drama, this is your "drama", what you can talk about when your friends talk about bad stuff that is happening to them.

Now the story you tell people been fleshed out more. After all you rang WA, and they offered you a refuge.

That adds a really spicy element to your "drama" now, doesn't it?

I wasn't being sarcastic either. Not in the slightest.

I was

Yep. And made the point well. It's going back a few years but one of my colleagues was offered nothing whatsoever despite being beaten so badly she lost her hearing in one ear. WA were supportive but stretched to the very limit. Heartening in some ways to hear the situation has changed...

I feel sorry for you OP in that you have quite clearly suffered lasting psychological damage and would definitely benefit from counselling.

But some of this seems absolutely incredible to me. Especially the part about offering you refuge accommodation. As in a safe house? Refuge from what, exactly? And that they recommend you approach this man? That seems like very bad advice to me. Aside from the fact he probably won't even remember you, this would massively trigger your stress and anxiety.

Surely if Woman's Aid have offered a place to OP, we can assume they have made a judgement which being privy to more information than us and this actually being what they do all the time, we should trust their decision? (Very poorly constructed, but am too tired to edit!)

So you're saying that on the basis of what's been posted by the OP here, WA are not likely to have offered a place? That there must have been more info surely? I think you're right.

Evening all. Just a quick reminder of our Talk guidelines and to try and use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face.

I am unimpressed that, based on what has been posted here, WA appear to be both unhelpfully enabling the OP & using what I believed were scarce resources to offer a refuge space where I cannot see the OP is in any danger at all.

I was quite serious, not sarcastic, when I said it would discourage me donating to WA.

MNHQ has unfairly interfered in this thread. This has been a fairly spirited discussion but absolutely nothing to be concerned about. If mumsnet wants everyone to be utterly vanilla in their responses, people will inevitably move away. I often inwardly grown when I see that "MNHQ has commented on this thread".

I quite fervently believe that, on the basis of this thread, 1. This poster is extremely attention seeking; 2. It would be unfair of her to do as she was suggesting; 3. I am disturbed that the OP rang WA. Not surprised though, more fodder for her drama.

I am worried about the OP, in terms of her psychological health.

And MNHQ, I would be fine to say the above three points to the OP face to face. No name calling, no swearing. Just someone not agreeing with another person.

Yes I couldn't agree more. I had to switch off from this thread when I saw MN Emmanuel's comment. I would absolutely make my comments face to face to the OP.
It's one of the most unsettling threads I've ever read on MN, not least because of the utterly dogmatic view of the OP, but mostly because of the disservice it appears to do to an essential organisation.

OP I am pleased you were offered counselling. I am struggling a bit with how the offer of the refuge space is meant to help you. Is it to enable you to live away from your home town so you don't run the risk of seeing him? Would that be as a step in a more permanent relocation or just until the counselling starts to help you to deal with his presence? Or is there some suggestion of physical threat? Genuine question.

My main issue here is that clearly there's something we don't know. I agree it is all a bit weird and seems bizarre that the op has been offered a refuge place... But that only makes me think that there must be more to it then- as does HQ wading in. I'm not sure being snippy and horrible to the op is helpful.

And just in case there is any doubt, WA don't pay your rent. Of course they don't. WA charge rent, sorry if I am stating the obvious.

There are some very limited and very specific circumstances when housing benefit may be paid on two properties for a limited time. The OP, as they represent themselves, would not quality.

I think the kindest thing to believe that the OP misunderstood the information they were given.