Feeling sick. Abusive “ex” and his wife and child have moved to my small home town. What happens if I “speak out”?

[LundyBancroftwasworththeread]

I had a very brief “relationship” with this man at University many years ago. (I use inverted commas because it was very short-lived; around two months and we never actually went on a date, just visited each other a lot in halls of residence). He was emotionally abusive from the start although I didn’t recognise this until I discovered mumsnet a few years ago. He did a huge amount of damage in that very short time.

After we broke up (he ended it) he treated me with absolute contempt while I was desperate for us to get on as we lived next door to each other and were part of the same social circle. There were so many occasions when I bent over backwards to be friendly while he treated me as being unworthy of even the most basic respect. It was the most awful year of my life and it took me years to feel I’d properly got over it.

After not giving this man a second thought for ages now, I have just found out that he is living in my small home town with his wife (who I also knew) and young child. I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better.

The only way I feel I can deal with this is by being completely open and honest about the situation with people. I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant and not be able to explain why I have suddenly gone quiet and started shaking were he to walk in or why I need to leave somewhere quickly if I have to. I don’t want to have the whole traumatic conversation with people under such conditions; I’d rather they were up to speed on the basics so I can just say “he’s here” and they’ll understand what that means for me. I have started telling people already and it has definitely helped and I now have some real life support but at the same time I am incredibly uneasy about the situation as this was something I didn’t ever intend to discuss with anyone other than those closest to me.

My main issue now is how to behave if or more likely when I bump into him/them? I can’t very well be civil when I’m going around telling people that this man is an abuser. And the last time I saw him I was falling over myself to be friendly and I worry that if he were to approach me he would be expecting the same. I don’t want him to come anywhere near me and I don’t want to so much as even have to acknowledge him if I pass him on the street but he won’t know this and may try to approach me any way. I would be ok with telling him I don't want to have to so much as acknowledge him and the reason for this if I came across him on his own but this would be totally inappropriate if he had his child with him or something. I can’t avoid him forever either and even if I could, it would eventually get back to him/them that I have been telling people about the abuse. I am worried what will happen when they find out. Should I write to him to make him aware of what I am saying? He will find out somehow someday any way. I am just feeling totally lost at the moment. Please could someone offer some advice?

I agree with TheFITCrowd. You don't have to be friendly if you see him, you can ignore and walk past, and no one can force you to have contact with him, whether or not they are in social contact with him. I certainly wouldn't write to him.

I'm sympathetic, as obviously your encounter with this man is still affecting you all these years on, but I don't think that you can draw a kind of cordon sanitaire around him to prevent your friends socialising with him, should they meet him. I don't think the comparison with rape is helpful. To be frank, I would be surprised if many people would feel obliged to avoid someone on the grounds that a friend said he was emotionally abusive more than 17 years ago. Treat yourself kindly, and get help. I think you need to focus on recovering, not on trying to get other people to 'understand'.

Good god, she wasn't raped. And it's 16 years later so why would HE be stalking her?????

Just wondering why she is so concern. Maybe there's more to it?

yes, goatsdoroam, I'm not going to measure the length of time since the relationship that left you feeling like this because I also recognise that need to defend.

You should read Anne Dickson's book called "a woman in your own right". It's officially about assertiveness but really it's about self-esteem and the difference between how we react to things when our self-esteem is healthy and when it is damaged.

the book also explains (very well!) the difference between ego and self-esteem and you will in the future recognise instantly if somebody is (for example) drama-baiting you to inflate their ego.

I've lived in a small town. You might never bump into him.

It is in the past. Leave it there. He might not even remember you, or remember events very differently.

I mean 'yes goatsdoraom. I etc....

I made it seem like I thought goats was the OP and I knew she wasn't!

OP, imagine how you would feel if it was people in your real life, people you know and like and associate with, who are grilling you like Red is doing now on this thread.

This is one of the reasons why I recommended generally revealing little, and not expecting others to be fully supportive and understanding, as it can be very hurtful when they do not, about something you feel so vulnerable about.

redtopink, is a rape the only abuse you can imagine? It's certainly amongst the worst but I think it lacks imagination to believe that if you've not been raped you just dust yourself down and party on.

It was only two months that we were together but I had to live in close proximity to him for a full academic year (and suffer a huge amount of additional shitty behaviour) so I feel I was in an abusive situation that I couldn't get away from for far longer. I also had a really bad illness at the time which made coping with everything much more difficult and I met him at a time in my life when I was already pretty emotionally fragile. Maybe I did have an "inappropriate attachement" but I don't see why that's my fault or why that makes his behaviour any less unacceptable. I always behaved with kindness and decency and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Rednotpinkorgreen - many people don't realise they've been raped immediately. And those that don't realise that it's rape at the time it happens don't necessarily find it any less traumatic because of this. Often it is more traumatic as they can't verbalise or explain the trauma which stops them from dealing with it. I think this is partly what happened to me. I didn't understand what was happening so I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I just knew I wanted to be dead and I thought I was to blame.

I wont apologise for drawing the parallel with rape. The government would not be making emotional abuse illegal if there wasn't substantial evidence that it is incredibly damaging and akin to other forms of domestic abuse that are already illegal.

yy to goatsDoRoam 's post, completely agree. Reveal as little as possible. It is the safest for you.

lundy I get it, but you don't need me to get it.

You know it was a horrible relationship that left you feeling destroyed.

fwiw, I've been verbally cross examined in to having sex. It wouldn't happen now but in my early 20s. Do you think you're too good for me then? do you think I'm unattractive? Do you think you can do better than me then? Or is it that you don't like me? don't you like me? I answered all the questions awkwardly and ended up talked in to havinng sex by a bully who aggressively put forward a 'case' to have sex with me. And in that defend defend defend mindset already mentioned, i didn't seem to believe I had a case to say no. It's not affecting my confidence now but I had zero confidence in my 20s.

Anyway, if I were you, I would speak every person you know to give little details about you to him and his family. My mom's rapist live in the small town with my family and even after her death, he still calls and asking for information about her.

Also, you're not on campus now.

The People You Know is not the same group as The People He Knows, like it would have been in college.

Not only will there be a very slight overlap in the people you know and the people he knows but also that group will not be living in each other's pockets like at uni.

He is not a friend of all your friends now. This is different now. This is not halls of res. Not everybody you know knows him.

Loyalties won't be tested. Your good name won't be trashed in a slurr campaign. You won't be betrayed because you won't share what happened to you and you won't feel the need to 'test' the loyalty of acquaintances.

I hope you can read the deeper message behind most posts, OP.

You have kept all of that in for far too long. But sharing it with friends and family is not a healthy way to go. You will be talking about a person that no longer exists. He has moved on and so should you. You will only be making yourself unhappy if you do that.

Rather than warning people, alerting them to the hypothetical likelihood of your being floored by suddenly seeing him, you need to shine a brighter light on what happened, with a counsellor. I am not saying you are wrong to still feel so strongly, but I am saying that to feel so strongly 16 years on is not healthy for you.

I hope you find a good counsellor and can work through it. It can't be nice to know that part of you is stuck as a perpetually unhappy 19ish year old.

The problem with comparing it to rape is, I think, because EA is harder to define, harder to pinpoint, it can seem as though you're minimising rape.

I know the damage EA can do. I also know it's difficult to explain.

You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone here but I do think you should get some professional help.

Do not tell friends and family. Do consider getting therapy to talk this through.

Plan what you would do if you do see him. Deep breath, collect yourself and leave. There is no need to tell others the juicy details. Say you suddenly feel unwell or that you have a migraine coming on. If you have to explain more just say you recognised somebody who bullied you a bit at uni and you'd rather not risk having him recognise you.

With respect, there are some peculiar and directive posts on this thread. Ultimately, OP, you need to do what feels most right or least wrong for you. I understand the potential to get really triggered by someone who has been very abusive. I don't think it's a bad idea to consider seeing someone about why you feel so defenseless in the face of his return, especially if it doesn't settle for you and give way to being able to face him/the situation if you have to x

Thanks for all the positive replies people. Sorry I have only been responding to the negative ones. I will try to read through everything more carefully and respond to a few people individually when I have calmed down a bit. I am a bit upset.

A lot of the things people have suggested doing and telling myself are the things I did do and tell myself to get over this when it actually happened. And I felt really strong to get to a place where I actually liked myself and didn't feel it was my fault any more. I went for years without thinking about this person at all and I have been happy. And to whoever asked, yes, I have had numerous other relationships since and almost all of them have been good ones. I am still on good terms with most of my exes and the ones I'm not actually friends with I am not on bad terms with. I did really learn from the experience and I haven't let anyone else treat me the way he did.

One of my biggest problems though, to those telling me just to ignore or blank him, is that I have never been able to hide it when I'm upset about something big. It's always written all over my face and everyone around me always notices immediately and starts asking if I'm ok. I don't think this is something I will ever be able to change. I can keep the tears back but I can't seem to fake even a small smile or laughter. My mouth just kind of distorts into this weird mangled shape . As I said before, I'm a very positive, upbeat person usually - I have been told I come across as confident, happy and friendly, and I smile and laugh a lot. It is really out of character for me not to be like this but I just can't put it on when I'm upset. For a long time I didn't realise how badly some of my friends were struggling with some of their own problems because they seemed absolutely fine even when they were saying they were upset about stuff. I suppose this is why I feel the need to tell my friends and family. I know I won't be able to hide how it effects me if I run into him.

"...I had moved on until he came to live on my doorstep..."

Can I suggest that you try to phrase this differently to yourself, Lundy? If you think, "I had moved on, and the things that helped me do that are the things that will help me cope with the current scary situation"

What I am saying is that you are a very different person now - you have grown so much since this relationship and since confronting the abusive nature of the relationship - you have strengths and coping strategies now that you did not have then, and these are what will help you cope now.

There's nothing wrong with being an open book. Just come up with a boring and bland cover story and get yourself to somewhere safe. I really think it's a bad idea to tell everyone in advance about something that is very, very unlikely to happen.

I'm afraid this bit gave me pause for thought, For a long time I didn't realise how badly some of my friends were struggling with some of their own problems because they seemed absolutely fine even when they were saying they were upset about stuff.

But why would you need to hide you're upset if you are with friends or family should you run into this man, OP? If it happens, and you are upset, let them help you and/or get you out of the situation.

I can't figure out from what you've said whether you think he thinks of himself as having behaved very badly towards you. Or, seeing that you say that afterwards you were always trying to be friendly to him, that he may think you actually remember him with fondness? Is that what's really bothering you about him moving to your town that he may cross the street to say hello, all smiles and fond student reminiscences about being young and stupid, and you will feel as though your own experience doesn't count?

Have to do some work stuff for an hour or two but will be back soon. Quick comment for now - tapwater, I don't think he thinks he has done anything wrong. I think in his head he felt perfectly justified in treating me the way he did and he thinks my reaction to him is some sort of unrequited teenage crush that I have never got over. He won't remember me with fondness but I think he would expect me to be friendly to him if he saw me so he may try to approach me and be all smiles which is what is making me feel panicky, yes. If he just knew how much contempt I have for him I feel I would be ok and could get on with my life but he doesn't. I think he still thinks he was some great love of mine or something and I cried a river over him because he was just so wonderful.

In fairness though, you have absolutely no idea what he's thinking - you haven't had any contact with him in years.
What if he's completely blank because he doesn't even remember you?

That sounds harsher than I meant, sorry. I'm just not sure that you're not building yourself up for a big confrontation if you come across each other, and he might just fail to recognise you and keep walking.
If he was as horrible as you say, he might have forgotten all about you because you meant little or nothing to him.

It doesn't matter what he would expect (or what you think he would expect). You stand up and move away.

I really do think you should talk to a professional about this.